what do you do when a 13 year old wants to move out of home??

Kelly Louise - posted on 01/18/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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we are trying to get our 13 year old to do a little chores like feed the cat, clean his room without been asked to do it but it's a battle and now he's writing in his diary that he wants to move out for a couple of months and then come back for a week.... all we ask him to do is be polite, do his chores and start thinking of the future...why is this a battle and what should we do? i got sacked from my job to be with my children and have more time for them.... i give them everything they want with in reason... they are not spoiled but i am at my wits end with mick and so is my hubby... he already lost two children due to the relationship didn't work out...i don' t think hubby could handle another child going because he can't get his own way...my other two children are happy...why not mick??

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Kyley - posted on 01/23/2010

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Hi Kelly. I am a mother of 5 kids and 2 of them just happen to be teenagers one is 13 and the other 14. So i know how you feel with all that you could be getting from Mick. My suggestion to you would be sit him down and talk to him. Make him write a list of what chores he wants to do but you would like one of those to be .............. Just put one thing in it that you want him to do weather it be taking out the trash of feeding the cat. Tell him you would like to see it happen for something like a month and then if he does do it for that time take him the movies or something of his choice within reason of a price. And if he complains about the chores then you can say "well you made them" Another option is and i know this will be hard but i only just managed to do it with out going too nuts is dont do anything for him at all. Dont clean his room, uniform, or any clothes that are not in the wash house/ laundry. Dont open his curtains or windows in his room or anything else to do in his room. Have 2 nights a week where its a cook your own dinner for him. Where he as to cook or do his own meals without help from you or your hubby. Get the other 2 kids doing small amounts of chores and reward them for doing them with little treats but dont give those treats to mick as well unless he has done some chores. There will be days where he will get sick of it and not do anything but just leave him. It will take a couple of weeks to a month but he will soon start realizing that he needs help and the only way hes going to get it is by asking you for help. But no matter what when that happens dont baby him and start doing everything for him again because he wont learn. At this stage you can tell him how you feel when he doesnt help around the house etc because he will know kinda how you feel because he never got any help with his stuff. Dont over load him with your things around the house just outline the things that you truly need help with around the house and that it would be great if he could help the little ones from time to time and teach them how to clean up their rooms or something like that. But when boys are 13 an teenagers they truly dont want to know that they have to start growing up so just give him a rest in that matter hes still a kid for now and thats good he doesnt need to rush to grow up at all start telling him stuff like that when hes around 16. I do hope that what i have said is helpful to you as i myself have done it and still do it and it works for me. And GOOD LUCK

Vicki - posted on 01/19/2010

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Pat yourself on the back for not being his friend first off! It's infuriating with this whole wanting to be friends and kiss up to the kids! Second for the love of heaven Do Not get caught reading his diary! Third ask him where he plans on living if he moves out of your house. Suggest a nice foster home, where he will have chores, no privacy, no new clothes...etc...really talk it up. Point out what he has and ask how many homeless 13 year olds have food, clothes, love...etc. Then pat yourself on the back again for having him be secure enough that he only gripes about it and doesn't really run off.



He also could be irritated that you are home. Did you work full time before? You may just be cramping his style (read, making sure he isn't a delinquent) Have you watched A Christmas Story...his "moving out" is reminiscent of Ralphie and the soap induced blindness.



I helped my child pack once when he was younger and wanted to leave home...he's still here...he started crying and admitted he was just mad and didn't really want to go. By the time we finished planning what he was going to do and where he was going to go, we were all laughing

Rachel - posted on 01/19/2010

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Make them work for what they want. If they don't do the chores they don't get anything. My 8 yr old does his chores without being asked. He knows if his chores don't get done he don't get whatever it is he's been asking for. Weather it be the new game for his DS or for his WII it doesn't matter. Skip a day and no new game. PERIOD.

[deleted account]

A 13 year old doesn't have the legal right to leave your home just becaues he wants to. You are the mother of a teenager and teenagers are difficult. Try to remember when you were that age and how difficult it was, you didn't feel like you fit with the children neither did you fit with adults, your body was going through all these changes and hormones were raging and Mom just didn't understand. Sounds to me that's where Mick is right now. Be supportive to him but remember you're also his mother. You only have another few years to hold him tight and mold him into the adult you think he could be. If you let him make the wrong decision now he won't appreciate it in a few years.

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Ruby - posted on 01/23/2010

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Teenagers do go through a difficult time, but they are also very close to adulthood. With that being said, your son must also understand respect and responsibility because the real world is not going to tolerate a lack of either. As for privacy, (as much i didn't see it fair at 13, i understand it now) it is earned... it is not mandatory in a home where the child does not pay anything! As a parent, however, try speaking to him when he is not in trouble and take the time to truly acknowledge the things he does right. Let him know that it will mean a lot if he opens up to you. And as a parent, we must pick and choose our battles. He might open up about something just to see if you will go balistic, and if you do that can cause him to close back up. So in short it is a two way street which will take time, and guide lines, to pave out!

Donna - posted on 01/23/2010

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Teenagers are difficult no matter what. Maybe if you turn the chores into something rewarding he will do it. If he can do all his chores keep his room clean he gets an allowence or an extra hour past curfew. As for the moving out part. All teenagers at one point wish that they could move out, they think that somewhere else is better. Maybe you can ask a family member that isnt better off to take him or someone you know will be stricter than you. See if they would take him for a month or so and maybe that will open his eyes to what he really has. As for him not being happy you need to talk to him about that. maybe theres something going on that is effecting him. If he wont talk to you find someone (and adult) that he feels comfortable with to talk to, but dont ask that person what he's saying bc he will lost trust in that person and in you. Just ask that person to reinforce that he can come to you about anything and you wont judge him or get angry. Remember a child wont come to you if they think that you will judge them or start yelling at them. My parents were judgemental and would never listen so i never when to them and life got to a point i almost took my life.



So just take a deep breath, remember its part of having a teenager and let him know that you are there for him no matter what

Jennifer - posted on 01/21/2010

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I have a 13 year old step daughter and a 10 year old daughter. my 13 yr old threatens shes going to go live with grandma all the time. Shes not really serious, she says it a lot because she thinks it hurts us. Kids get mad all the time. 13 is a tough age, they think they know everything and that they are ready to take care of themselves. The homeless shelter idea is a good one, or just drive down the street to show him homeless people and ask him if thats how he wants to live.

As far as invading his privacy, you are a mother and you have a right to know what your kids are up to especially at 13!!!! There is just to much sex and drugs now a days at such a young age. I never let mine know that i read anything of hers, BUT you have to!!!! Its a safety measure you can take to prevent things from esclating. If I didn't go through her drawers and notebooks I would not have discovered half of what I know about her and what she is capable of doing. Believe me you learn a lot from your kids when you read some of what they wrote. She goes to therapy and if I find anything I think is harmful to her or to the family I bring it up there. Do not ever feel guilty about going through his stuff. YOU are the parent!!!! You want to keep him safe. Good luck!!!

Melissa - posted on 01/20/2010

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13 is a tough age. Just be patient and listen to him, respect his privacy! He is venting like the other ladies said. Try to sit down with him and talk to him like he is an adult, being respectful of him might help him be respectful of you and your hubby.

Cathy - posted on 01/20/2010

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i think all thirteen year olds say that they want to move out because they try to be independent and some times they think that is it much greener on the other side of the fence but they also say it when they are angry because they didnt get what they wanted and some of them think that they are missing out on something

Melissa - posted on 01/20/2010

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I have to agree about looking at the diary. My sons father passed 2 months ago, and I bought him a journal to keep his personal feelings in. Sometimes, it is very hard not to look and see what he is feeling, but I consider this his personal space area. Having a diary is a very good idea. My 13 year old son has made threats wanting to move in with Grandmother when he does not get his way, but it usually passes. I think it is pretty typical for kids to be lazy and resistant at this tween age? If you get him to start doing chores and it works, let me know. I am dealing with the same thing. Good luck to you!

[deleted account]

By reading your post I would guess the two "HAPPY KIDS" are your bio kids? And lil mick is the step-child? I could be way off, please tell me if so.

Jody - posted on 01/19/2010

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I have a blended family and two teenage daughters and everyday is a battle. We use consequeces for our kids and there actions. We have a problem with my step-daughter and her grades, we take her cell phone away and her computer til the grades are either an A or B. They don't like it but have learned the they have expections, if they didn't they are gonna be sorry in real life situations. Life is not fair or easy , but we do what is best for ours!! Good luck, my advice would be make a chore list and make him follow and let him earn his freedoms and if he doesn't then he just doesn't get to act like a 13 yr....

[deleted account]

Teenagers are lazy, they dont want to do anthing you tell them to do and the next 5 years will probably be a constant battle zone. I wouldnt worry about the moving out business it probably is talk when I was his age I ran away from home at least once a month, I used to pack my back get as far as the end of town and then think damn this is hard work and go home for my dinner. Thats teenagers for you try and think back to being his age it seemed like all your parents want to do was nag you and all your friends parents were much nicer than yours lol. If you want him to do chores than why not give him an incentive, with my sons they get paid for doing some chores sometimes with money sometimes with computer time depends on what you have to bargain with.

Irene - posted on 01/19/2010

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first of all take a deep breath.. all teenagers go through this its called puberty lol your son has reached an age where he is shifting from child to adult, not to mention all the testostrone, he is going to be moody and unco-operative its pretty normal. this is also the time where children break away from family and their freinds become so much more important, they are geting ready to mentaly and emotionaly to move out and become adults totaly responcible for themselves, it is a long process an doesnt happen overnight, this is the time where you need to start negociating, sit down with him an your husband an come up with an agreement setting out what you want him to do and what rewards an punishments you have all agreed on write it out an all sign it- then stick to it, he still needs boundries but he also needs freedom. as for the diary... i agree with angie, i still have a diary i wrote in when i was a teen, alot of it was just venting, if iwas angry i would talk about moving out, but just cause i felt like doing that one day didnt mean i felt the same way the next day. it stops suddenly because my sister cought my mum reading her diary- we never trusted her the same way again, he needs a private place to express his thoughts an feelings an it is ahuge invasion to read it- ido understand why you would want to, this is a hard world to bring up kids with so much drugs alcohol sex ect that our kids are exposed to, but it would be much better in the long run to have a open trusting relationship with your son, to let him know that you are always available to talk in an open honest an non judgental way- its hard to do but it wont backfire on you. if you keep reading his diary an he finds out he may never trust you again and thats not how you want to start his teenage years- this is only the beginning!!

unless there are other factors going on like abuse iwouldnt worry about him running away, and you an your husband shouldnt let what has happened in previous realtionships impact this one, it dousnt sound like it is even remotly the same kind of situation.

if your son doesnt acctuly say to you he is going to run away you cant talk to him about it- or he will know you have been reading his diary. im sure in time this will all resolve itself out, but it will talk time- you have a teenager on your hands, good luck

Kellie - posted on 01/18/2010

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Thirteen may be a little to young to be talking future. Just because he doesn't feed the cat, clean his room or take out the garbage doesn't mean he is undisciplined, unhappy or ruining his future. What teenagers want is more access to fun stuff: movies, "parties", the mall, computer, video games. These things should be earned because they are privileges. When he doesn't do as he is told you restrict his access. As far as wanting to move out, get creative. Find the nearest homeless shelter and take him there so he can see how the "other half" live. That line about your hubby losing two children due to the relationship not working is disturbing. I am not really sure what that means but it seems that the kids "misbehavior" may not be the problem that needs fixed.

Angie - posted on 01/18/2010

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How do you know what he is writing in his diary? He may just be venting and in a diary - with privacy - is the perfect place for him to do that. Unless he has spoken this to you directly, I'd assume it's just venting. Stop reading his diary; it's not your right to invade his personal thoughts. If he ever finds out you've done this, you will have one heck of a time gaining his trust back.

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