What is the best thing to do when my 10 year old back talks me and treats me like crap?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Melissa - posted on 09/28/2009

4

1

0

I am also in the same situation. My daughter is 9 years old and will backtalk me in a heartbeat, especially if she doesn't get her way. She is also ADHD but I feel that is no excuse for the way she treats me. I have tried taking away the tv and game system to no avail, she thinks it is a big joke. Talking to her don't work and I can't punish her because her father won't let me and when I do try to punish her it starts a big fight. So what do I do in this situation?

Missy - posted on 05/23/2013

1

0

0

I'm a single mom with two kids my daughter is 8 and my son is 9. I have been having a hard time with my son he is such a sweet heart but this year he has changed.. he is talking back when he doesn't get his way and has been calling his sister and me names and hitting her. Even if i see or hear it myself he denies it. I have never once raised my hand at my kids and never will. but i just don't know what to do anymore. He has lost his bedroom door for slamming it in my face, i take things away and give him time out's and groundings but every time i do this he claps has hands and says yaaaaa. I have tried talking to him about how he is acting and how it hurts me and his sisters feelings. I now he is hurting cause his dad is not around but he also hasn't been around for 5 years and only calls or pops by when his father or brother want to see the kids. I have tried asking for help from cas getting him a big brother or someone to talk to since he wont talk to me but they only offer that to family that deal with cas .. i need help :(

I'm thinking of moving after this school year i hope this might help him cause i also believe that the kids around here are rubbing off on him I live in apt building where for some reason the other kids their age don't have bedtimes and can run free in and out of the building without an adult and there are some very rude young one around here.. but plz if you have any ideas that might help me , im all ears.

Michele - posted on 09/22/2009

1

3

0

Just read a great book by Dr. Kevin Leman, "Have a New Kid by Friday". It was really helpful. I have a 15, 6, & 5 year old and this book helped get some control back. Just started implementing his techniques last week and already seeing the difference. I would recommend it. I actually checked it out from the library for free, so start there. Good Luck!

Ale - posted on 08/31/2011

8

15

0

Sweetie, I dont know what to say because I started putting order in my house since my boy was 1 year old. When he didnt behave I gave spanked him in his butt. I dont know if he fears me or not but I never had problems with him. I dont know if I´m gonna get bad comments in this forum, but DO NOT let your kid treat you like crap. Once a while you punish him with your belt is not going to kill him.

Tika - posted on 09/23/2009

1

20

0

Take his TV and video games away for two days. Be stern and stick to your punishment. Don't give in no matter how much he screams and cries and complains. You are the MOM he is the child, you are the boss, he isn't. I have a 14 and a 11 year old boy. My 11 year old challenges me all the time. He is Mr. Popular at school and he gets what he wants from the kids he plays with at school. He is a Gifted child with the brain of Einstein. His dad and I are divorced and I can not turn to him with every problem I have, so I gotta stick to my guns and be the mom and not his friend.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

62 Comments

View replies by

Erica - posted on 08/25/2011

19

9

0

My Daughter started doing this to me around that age. At that time i was feeling just like you it is sometimes hard to hear some of the remarks that come out of their innocent little mouths :-(. After trying a few different things to correct the behavior such as taking away her toys and using quiet time I decided to let her know that if she was going to treat me that way that i was going to let her know how it made me feel. Talk about feelings if he/she is upset they are not really going to know how to handle that yet try to explain that it is okay to be upset make sure everytime this happens to communicate so your child will understand you it is never okay to be mean to mommy. I admit that it did take some time with my daughter and sometimes yes it still happens. I just remind her that I would never do anything to hurt her feelings and that she can trust and talk to me about anything it will get better the key is to address it every time it happens. I wish you luck and god bless

Dionne - posted on 08/24/2011

8

0

0

i have never been in this situation but i will say is im a single mom of four. i love my kids to the fullest. but one thing will not except from them is talikng back and makin me feel like crap. i have a 13 yr.old son and he has his moments but i let him know number one i dont talk to him like that and he surely will not talk to me that way. I let him know when he wants something the first thing he will say is mom. I just remind him to think before he speaks cause in the end when he wants something it will come back back on him. i just say u should let ur 11yr.old know ur the parent and u will not b treated like there friends. Because friends cant get the things that they are going to want.

Rebecca - posted on 09/28/2009

13

39

1

I'm a parent of a 14 year old girl i went bac to what my mom used to say to all of us four girls do what you say say what you mean if you don't follow threw it's going to get worse you and your other half has got to get on the same page also me and my husband has diff. ways of parenting but we had to sit down and say ok how are we going to deal with this together that way they don't play one parent off of the other

Nicole - posted on 09/28/2009

73

12

3

My 11 gets that way...My 10 is usually good. No difference in the way they are raised or disciplined. We don't have tv in the rooms or video games or phones belonging to the kids so I usually have to get creative. We use the bible and have them copy not just a single verse but any section that I want about respecting your elders/parents. We have also swatted bottoms and I know in this day and age it is frowned upon but it does work as long as it isn't your answer to everything. Also (this is one of the creative ones that I got from another mom) feed them nothing but peanut butter sandwiches no matter what the rest of the family is eating until they quit acting out. It shows them who is in control and that yes you do have control over them still. Sounds silly but it works. And it doesn't take too long.

Thomasine - posted on 09/27/2009

11

11

2

My 10 year old is the same way, but me sorry to say when he talks back to me I pop him in the mouth, but I think that is the age when they challenge you and see what they can get away with but you have to be strong and show him whos the one in charge, it sounds harsh but trust me in the future they will thank-you n they will appreciate you more, if not you will lose them.

Cynthia - posted on 09/27/2009

4

20

0

Nothing really new for me to post that the other moms have already said but just to reinforce it. Yes i have a 10 (in 2 months 11) year old that gets lippy. I have been really paying attention to what he watches and also reminding him that he doesn't talk to his teachers or leaders from church like he does me, it sometimes works. I think the big thing lately has been the t.v. and paying more attention to what he watches. I will be checking back to see other post.

Frankie - posted on 09/27/2009

19

28

1

Quoting Debbie:

I suppose beating them with a big stick isn't really acceptable in this day and age?



That was my first thought...LOL

Frankie - posted on 09/27/2009

19

28

1

I have a 7yr old who talks back. I have to stop myself from smacking him ( that was my mother did) and then I just take away things from him like his Playstation and tv privilages. I make him sit on his bed til I am ready to talk to him.( I take that time to calm down) If it persists then other things like library time and I have even taken Holloween away last year. For example his birthday is coming up...if he's good he will have a party. If not he wont get anything. It's hard...especially coming from an abusive home myself...but if you take the time to calm yourself and talk it over you will get things done the right way.

Catina - posted on 09/27/2009

1

20

0

It is easy to say whoop the child, like another post stated, but at some point that child will get use to that and it wouldnt matter anymore. I use to spank my child, but he is so use to that, so now since he loves to watch the Sprout channel I will keep him from watching any TV or anything until he realize what he has done. Whatever that child like to do, watch, or go I would take that from them for a period of time and maybe then they would learn what they are doing is wrong. You also need to have a firm voice with your child to let them know you mean business. Although, my child is a bit on the extremely active side, and can get sort of out of hand he still knows he will be punished in some way.

Megan - posted on 09/26/2009

3

13

1

I can understand where you are coming from my 6 year old is like that and very emotional too. it got to the point the other day i couldn't handle it anymore and went to his school counselor for help. i then got a phone call about an hour later saying they had a good talk and he is acting out because he misses his father. try talking to your childs counselor sometimes they are afraid to tell us what is bothering them and seeing the counselor is a fun thing for them.

Angelica - posted on 09/26/2009

4

1

0

Maybe you could tell your child that it is unacceptable to talk to you like that, and tell him/her how it makes you feel when he/she talks to you like that. Tell them that you will not talk to them until they are ready to apologize and will talk to you in a respectful manner. If they do not go away, and continue insulting do your best to ignore them to show that you will not engage with them in such behavior. I also suggest that you do not get into a battle with them when they are being disrespectful, it becomes a power struggle where the both of you are most likely to say things to put each other down.

Maliaka - posted on 09/26/2009

2

25

0

The next time your 10 YEAR old trys to ask you something give the 10 Year old the silent treatment until the 10 YEAr old says SORRY about treating you so bad TRUST me it works. (they need u more than u need them)

Regina - posted on 09/26/2009

19

13

2

If a child treats anyone else in a disrespectful way they should lose all privileges....everything for a long period of time. Followed by a heart to heart.
TV, video games, computer, time with friends, phone, extra activities, etc....it is all a privilege and not a right.
Let the child know that you know he/she has the potential to grow up to be a fine young man/woman. But that behaving like that is not acceptable.
If child continues making unacceptable choices take away more things.....strip the bedroom of anything or anything that is fun!!
But in the process of doing this continue to let him/her know that you really do love him/her and you want him/her to grow up to be a great person. You are looking at the future and must love your child enough to bring the child up right.

Spend extra time with your child, go to the park, go out for ice cream, talk about the crazy little things that happen during the day.....
Slowly give child back their things when you see attitude is improving.

We have 4 kids of our own and have had to do many things over the years for discipline. Love your child enough to discipline him/her.

Marisa - posted on 09/26/2009

3

20

0

Believe it or not, my oldest loves school, so I threaten him with not going to school! He never misses so I've actually carried out on the threat. I think that if you tell them your gonna do something to do it. Don't back down. You back down once and its over.

Latrice - posted on 09/26/2009

24

14

0

I can honestly say that I don't have that problem. This was something that was taken care of the first time she got in trouble. She got whooped and then we discussed why she got in trouble and the things that we will not tolerate. She knows what we expect and she also knows that she can always tell the truth because lying will get her in more trouble. She's a really good kid with very good manners.

Melanie - posted on 09/26/2009

1

15

0

I have a boy that has been that way for about 9 months and he won't be 10 until October. Just have patience and let him know that you are going to stick to your guns with punishments. I usually make him do something that I know he hates for a punishment like going to bed early to read or cleaning or making him write 50 times I WILL NOT TALK BACK TO MY MOM. It works!

THERESA - posted on 09/26/2009

1

2

0

first of all u guys have to have a serious talk & u need 2 let your ten year old kno who's boss if your child keeps it up give them the cold shoulder act like u don't want 2 be bothered with them i mean totally egnor them they won't like it a bit ....try it ...it works

Kay - posted on 09/25/2009

29

18

2

The first thing you need to do is take everything out of the bedroom except the bed and their clothes. Next tell your child they can earn their things back wit good behavior and keeping their chores done. Yes all kids need to do chores wash dishes ,vacume, take out garbage ect... no not all of this just something. As their attitude changes give things back. Yes it works I know it sounds like a bunch of crazy talk but I know it works. I have 2 sons ages 22 and 20 and also an 8 year old girl so I know stuff that works .

[deleted account]

Be consistant!! It takes time but it works once you push back on the boundaries level headed and not steaming out the ears, they will listen.

Deborah - posted on 09/25/2009

3

2

0

Quoting Melissa:

What is the best thing to do when my 10 year old back talks me and treats me like crap?

Please help.



He has a following directions problem.  Explain to him how to follow directions, explain to him why it is important to follow directions (ie., in a school setting he will get in trouble or in a job setting he will get fired), let him know that it is your job to teach him to follow directions, give him the option of discussing disagreements w/him after he has followed directions and enforce consequences when he does not follow directions.  Also, recognize EVERY TIME he does something positive and let him know how much you appreciate it.  Remember you are the mom and know more than him (but don't say that).  Good luck!

Stacey - posted on 09/25/2009

12

23

3

I let my kids know that it is not going to fly them talking to me like that. If it continues they loose stuff like video games, computer ect. Eventually they cool off and say they are sorry.

Joanna - posted on 09/25/2009

3

18

0

Well, as a mother my first instinct would be to discipline the child by removing privileges or treasured toys. As a psychologist I would want to know what is upsetting the child and causing them to act out?

Angela - posted on 09/25/2009

1

18

0

Hi Melissa! What has worked best for me is to quietly say, "I'll be happy to talk to you when your voice, tone, and words are as respectful as mine. This is such an energy drain for me. 'I'll have to do something about this, but not now. I'll get back to you. Try not to worry." Then I walk off. After I've cooled down, I then give him two choices of my chores that he could do to restore my energy - cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, laundry, etc. OR I could not do something for him so that I can spend that time recharging my own batteries (take him to a friend's house, soccer game, etc.). I rarely have had to use this more than twice, because it works. You can find other ideas, tips and techniques at this great website, www.loveandlogic.com. Since I've changed the way I parent, we've seen a big change in our family, and it's wonderful.

Marianne - posted on 09/25/2009

3

39

0

Stand up and show ur kid that u r the mom! Although we'd love to have our kids treat us lyk their friends, we still should set the proper limits. Talk to your kid in a firm yet gentle tone that you will not tolerate his misbehavior towards you and that you expect more respect from him because he is already 10 and kids his age should act with respect for their parents. Ask him about his feelings and opinions towards this concern and listen to his reasons. Arrive at a good ending by setting rules together. Good luck!

Lisa - posted on 09/25/2009

2

14

0

For me as a single mother I have 5 children and it's hard to keep the piece in my home. I have a 7year old that knows how to push my buttons and has a mouth like my 16yr. old. I got him back good. I asked him to clean his room, he said " I don't have to and you won't make me" I replied with I don't have to make you, I will make you want to " He said "huh?" As I walked in his room to remove the television, video games, and radio" He cleaned his room no plroblem, and evern appoligized. So my sugestion to you would be to start taking things the child values most away.

Kathie - posted on 09/25/2009

9

11

1

Calmly let your child know that you love him/her but you are not going to be disrespected. Every time he acts like this give him the same punishment. i.e. Take away his favorite activity and make him sit in one spot for one minute of each year of his age(10 min) like a time out, doing nothing but thinking about how he should treat other people. Don't let him return to his favorite activity until the next day only if he can show respect for you and others.

Jenny - posted on 09/25/2009

2

8

0

Just say nothing and walk away, when he has cooled off talk to him about the incident, tell him that you would never do that to him and you expect him not to do that to you. If you address this when you are both calm you will find the outcome much more productive than telling him off in the moment when you are angry and he is angry.

Janine - posted on 09/24/2009

82

18

3

When i hear mums in this predicament the first thought that comes to mind is push over! Are you or have you been the kind of mum that gives in to sulking and gives him more then he deserves. I assume you are not setting your boundaries clearly to your child or giving in way too easily. I too like another mum believe in respect for your parents and have instilled that in my children. They know not to push it too far. No means no mum. That means taking away t.v time, game time, friend time and anything else that is important to him until he realises what you do for him and you get the respect as a parent that you sorely deserve. You need to lay down the law, be firm but fair and stick to it!! Your child is on the verge of teenage years and who they start acting like now could quite possibly turn worse as the years go on and we all are aware that the teenage years are the worst. I believe you have the answers within yourself but just need to action them a little harder. Otherwise try a team environment for him or some sort of community work where he can appreciate the value of things and life more openly and honestly. They all need a healthy balance and it is frustrating to keep on trying to provide that in their lives when lets be honest, most of us are trying to get that ourselves. Communication with your child is also an upmost. Hope it helps x

Paula - posted on 09/24/2009

160

25

23

When my 4 1/2 year old asks for something in a demanding way I try to ignore his request or ask him to repeat what he said untill he figures out and then he will come up to me and ask me politely for what he wants, like snack time etc. If he talks back to me or tries to be moody about something I tell him to go to time out which is to play by himself in his room and to think about why he is there. Or we have a little chair he has to sit in and its called the 'ugly chair' since he has to sit in it for 4 minutes, and then he usually says hes sorry and I get a hug. lol This usually works. Hope this helps

Carmen - posted on 09/24/2009

4

33

0

i had the same problem..my friend taught me a neat trick that kids just hate!! wall punishment back against the wall and knees bent make your child stand there for a bit and seemed to work for my add adhd son! good luck

Angela - posted on 09/24/2009

20

18

6

Slap him across the face!! J/K, just the instinct that comes to mind. Are you divorced? Not that only single mom's have difficult times with their children, I'm just wondering about the presence and influence of the father. My mom raised me as a single mom and things were difficult btwn us at this age. Since my mom has been divorced from my step-dad, my brother is always testing her. Does your son see his father treat you this way? Does your husband/his father know about this treatment?



At this point, I would say you are beyond time out, esp with this age. Maybe try some hard labor? If this is a constant/consistant behavior, maybe you and your husband need to engage him together, possibly talk to the school counselor or pediatrician, or have family counseling at your church if you regularly attend one.

Krystal - posted on 09/24/2009

20

19

3

Let them know that you will not alow him to disrespect you like that any more and if he coutnues to do it start taking things from him that he likes. like games or tv time or just cut back on the amount of time he can play his games or use the computer. when you take some thing away let him know that he can earn them back by showing you aswell as other adults that he can be respectful.but also there is a book that helped me with this problem as well as other problems its called love and logic and i would recomened this book to any one. But just remenber when trying some one eles advice it may not always work because each child is different and will learn things in different ways. I hope this info will be of some use to you and good luck!!

Gail - posted on 09/24/2009

2

10

0

You are smart to address this before the teen years. When my kids answer me in a less than polite manner, I usually respond as though I didn't/couldn't hear them. "Pardon me, but I don't think I heard what you said, could you try again please?" If I still get the lip, I usually point out that I am speaking respectfully to them (I try to make a point of my own attitude so I can say that!) and I expect a polite, respectful response. I also tell them it embarrasses me or hurts my feelings when they are rude or 'dis' me in front of their friends. I do not say this in front of their friends, but will pull them aside or discuss after the crowd is gone. I never let small incidents slip without correction, so have not had major blow-outs as it is not allowed to escalate to that level. They all go through it, but you don't have to accept it without comment. Best wishes!

Tisa - posted on 09/23/2009

1

20

0

I would like to know the answer to this age-old question too! I end up at wits end.

Kelly - posted on 09/23/2009

3

15

0

hmmmm...I think it depends on how severe it is. There are times when my son will talk back - but then I see what he is doing is the same thing I have done to him. Meaning I am sometimes pretty sarcastic when I say things and I see him doing it too - I then realize that I need to talk it out with him because basically he learned that reaction from me! My son is 10. I also have tried to do a much better job of treating him the way I would want to be treated and it has worked. :)

Rebecca - posted on 09/23/2009

62

85

6

Right now I am going thru the same thing with my daughter who is 10 1/2. I hate this age. Her mouth, the "I know", and you don't have to tell me stage. Not fun at all. I am going to look into the book that someone recommended and see if that will help. Good luck and keep us posted.

Pennie - posted on 09/23/2009

8

16

2

I have my kids write sentences or definitions, such as the definition to "respect." It has worked wonders for me and I have five kids.

Michelle - posted on 09/23/2009

6

22

0

girl.. im right there with you!! he can be so helpful and sweet.. but as soon as I ask him to do something he doesnt want to do.. Im treated like crap!! I know he's on the brink of puperty and his hormones are raging.. so I try to be understanding.. I let him know its not ok to speak to me like that.. and will take away a privelage! good luck..

Emma - posted on 09/23/2009

4

8

0

Hi! My recently turned 11 year old is very much like this (all the time!) i try to show him how upset i am (the tears work well) as he hates seeing me upset or i tell him not to be so cheeky or i will put him over my knee and spank him in front of his mates (at this point he will probably laugh and you have steered away from a full-blown battle which is easy to fall in to. So 1.. Laugh it off (it's a phase) or 2. Break down in tears to bring on the guilt! They all go through this 'testing the parents' thing, it's a sign they are questioning the world and authority and realising they can't get away with it at school so good old mum takes the backlash! x x

Cindy - posted on 09/23/2009

39

19

1

I know exactly what your talking about I have the same problem. What I noticed is that when I'm in a bad mood and without thinking I say or do something rude, then later on that same day she starts acting rude, treating me like crap etc. So I have to work a little harder to have a good attitude towards not only my daugter but my family. I don't take things away because when I did she just ended up getting into more trouble. She acts like that when she's bored or someone is picking on her at school so I let her calm down and when she's ready we chat about problems and figuring out solutions.

Jamie - posted on 09/23/2009

2

10

0

Hi Melissa that is a tough age! I tried everything and finally what worked for us was I took away something good in his life every time he put something bad into those around him. I started where I knew the impact would hit hard and kept getting harder it took about 3 months and he finally got the point. He even went form wearing contacts back to eye glasses! Good luck and always pray :)

Danielle - posted on 09/23/2009

3

11

0

You have to put your foot down and let him know you are the boss. Be consitant cuz if you arent it will not work.

Sarah. - posted on 09/23/2009

3

9

0

I have 3 daughter 13,10,and 7 i truly believe in the nanny 911 way. i talk respectfully and expect them to if they don't i take things away the tv their games ect.. We do family fun things on the wkend if they have done their chores and behaved we go to the movies or bike riding together ect.. be firm, stand your ground, you are the mother and their teacher they should not have a choice but to respect you. laid down the rules of the house and have them sign them and write up a consequence chart for if they brake them . that way if they brake a rule they will know what to expect let them know their are consequences for their actions .

Monique - posted on 09/23/2009

2

23

0

just remember that soon they will ask you for something and when they do tell them you only have to provide what he or she needs and not what the want. it should get better after that. good luck!

Ann - posted on 09/22/2009

2

25

0

I am very sorry you are feeling so powerless. Do not give up. Could you be more specific about when you feel like crap? The reason I ask this way is two-fold.

1. Every situation needs to be dealt with individually

2. Your child is not doing this TO you. He is just behaving in a way that feels powerful. Power feels GREAT. To get control of his behavior you have to take control. Control starts with YOU!



All the moms above have the right idea. It is so incredible how we all do the same thing but in our own way. I do not believe in threats. Withholding privileges is not a threat if you calmly lay out the plan and immediately follow through. This is sooooo hard at first. Remember, it took a long time to get to the place where you asked for help. This takes time.

Is your child the only person you feel this way about? If the other authority figures in your home are treating you with disrespect your challenge is MUCH harder.

Good Luck!

Debbie - posted on 09/22/2009

69

10

3

Totally agree, carry through any threats you make so he/she knows you mean business - however make sure if you do use any threats they are ones you can carry out - a friend of mine recently used a threat on her daughter that we were quite shocked she carried out. She had told her 7 year old daughter if she didn't stop yelling at her she would have to live somewhere else for a while. That didn't stop her yelling so she threw her in the car, drove to her mothers and dumped her there. Not sure if that threat should ever have been made to be honest - it didn't help the situation at all.

Jessica - posted on 09/22/2009

6

2

1

figure out what he likes most (from your other post it looks like tv and games), Then take it away until he can prove to be a nice, respectful son. including doing some chores, alone time and a sincere apology. if it works fo a 4 year old, it should work for yours. (we usually take the night light or his blankie. sometimes both). make sure to follow through. thats the hardest part. whatever you say you are going to do, do it.

Debbie - posted on 09/22/2009

69

10

3

I suppose beating them with a big stick isn't really acceptable in this day and age?

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms