Why does my daughter have an Attitude Problem?

Atasha - posted on 02/25/2012 ( 11 moms have responded )

63

30

17

Why is my 9 year old daughter so rude to her father and I? We ask her to do the simplest things like 'take dirty laundry down' or 'let the dog out' and she snaps! She complains that we always make her do everything, even though her father and I believe a few chores is good for her. How can I get her to do her chores without the attitude? I mean it's not like I make her clean all day, just a few little things. When I was her age my grandmother had me doing a lot more than I ever ask of her. And I did it without the attitude!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

Try asking her politely. As parents, we often bark out commands without realizing it, and this puts the kid on the defensive.

Instead of "Let the dog out." say "Please let the dog out." or "Would you let the dog out?"



Also, point out your contributions indirectly during your request--"Would you let the dog out while I'm cooking dinner?" or "If you will bring your dirty laundry down, I will wash it for you."



This forces her to see that you are not asking her to do anymore than you are doing yourself.

Nia - posted on 03/05/2012

13

10

1

what does she love the most? my daughter loves bedtime - she just turned 10 and she loves having a story and cuddle time before bed. this cuddle time is filled with her telling me stories or me making up one; telling her how i appreciate her and making her laugh even though she should be sleeping. if she says something i say "when you talk to me like that it shows me that you're over tired so you're going to have to go to bed early and miss out on some (half, all, 20 min) of story time.



also she is a dancer so sometimes i have to remind her that we are paying for dance, driving her to and from the studio and competitions, and buying all that she needs for dance... and how much it hurts when she talks like that. it shows that she doesn't appreciate anything. perhaps if she talks like that she'll have to start finding a ride (washing own dance clothes, paying for things)



sometimes i hit her with a sad face..... sometimes i've said "oh? i can really have you do everything and then you'll see that that's not the case"it works and sometimes it doesn't - have you asked her why she talks like that?

[deleted account]

Your mom has a point. Kids are going to whine about doing chores, that is there way of expressing to you "Hey, I don't like doing this!" Of course, we know things must be done whether we like them or not, and your daughter knows this too, she just needs a place to vent, and you are that place.



Kids who never say anything negative to their parents often fear that their mom & dad will no longer love them if they express anything other than thanks, or, their emotions have been ignored for so long by the parents that they child believes that her emotions don't matter.



The fact that she feels confident enough to complain to you means that she is secure in her relationship with you, and that she knows you care about her feelings, even if you don't give in to what she wants, she knows you are listening. The whining is frustrating, but it is a good thing.



ETA: That doesn't mean you should let her say anything at all to you though. If she becomes disrespectful, you do have to draw a line, but instead of punishing her, try to teach her a way to vent her frustration in a more positive way...

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

11 Comments

View replies by

Claudette - posted on 03/22/2012

52

0

4

My youngest on occasion has given me attitude. At first she used to whine and I used to get angry. I've learned that if we expect please and thank you out of our children, we must also give them the same courtesy. Sounds crazy because we are the parents, etc. but you have to make it clear as calmly as you can that you will not tolerate all of this attitude. So I changed my attitude and found that she was more receptive.

Tonya - posted on 03/05/2012

1

6

0

We have a rule in our house. You may say how you feel and what you like and don't like BUT no attitutde is allowed. I am the parent and I will not allow my children to talk to me with an attitude. If they expect me to treat them with respect they have to treat me in the same manner. I work in a school and I can say if they are giving you attitude they could very well be giving their teachers attitude as well. We all have to do things in life that we don't want to do but we do them and go on down the road. And yes while I do believe that children deserve rewards for a job well done I don't believe it has to be every time.

User - posted on 03/01/2012

1

0

0

Children only do what you allow them to do. If at first you "punish" for bad behavior, there is a likely chance that that won't occur to often (if at all) in future. All kids look forward to something and making that less available to them once you disapprove of their actions would make them think twice!!

Atasha - posted on 02/29/2012

63

30

17

I agree fully with you Kelly, and it doesn't seem to matter how we ask her if we say please or turn it around and bribe. She always has to whine and complain. I am not saying she is spoiled or anything but when I was her age, I had harder chores than the ones I give her. I had to do them without complaint or I would get more. I am not trying to push her past what I know she can do, and every little bit helps now that I have two more children. I want to everything I can to make her a good person and the way she behaves now makes me believe I am failing. My mom used to tell me that "If your kids don't say 'you are so unfair' and the occasional 'I hate you' you might be doing something wrong". It always made me laugh but I am not sure they are very wise words. I don't remember ever saying i hate you to my mom but you are so unfair came up quite a bit.

Atasha - posted on 02/29/2012

63

30

17

Thanks Claire, but unfortunately my daughter also has her own paper route so bribing her with money doesn't work. She figures if we don't pay her, her job will.

Melanie - posted on 02/29/2012

1

0

0

I wish icould help you on that one. My son is 9 and when ever i ask him to do something he whines. i dont know what to try on him any more. He also has a horrible attitude at home(not school) and is always arguing with his dad and i.I have abolutely taken everything away, toys, tv, video games, even his books, coloring stuff. All he says is what are you going to do if i dont learn my lesson. Im not going to learn if you punish me. Any ideas? I even tryed the reward system for being good. Out of 2 months he only has 16 stickers for each day he has been good.

Claire - posted on 02/28/2012

12

18

0

Hehe I remember doing the exact same thing when I was her age. My daughter's 8 now and it can be quite a difficult age.



I don't think it's wrong to expect her to contribute to the household - though sometimes they need gentle prodding in the right direction - I swear at times my 8 yo thinks that there's a fairy that picks up the dirty washing, or makes her bed.



A gentle introduction to domestic life never did us any harm, there is always the option of pocket money - if she doesn't do the chores she doesn't get any, if she does some, she gets some and if she does everything thats asked she gets the full amount.



Hope this helps.

Michelle - posted on 02/25/2012

2,191

23

1087

She is part of a new world kids are way mouthier and feel like they are hard done by if we ask them to do anything. Have you tried a reward system for when she does do what is asked of her, my 11 year old can barely remember to put his clothes in his hamper half the time but if you offer him a few bucks if he does his chores without hassle or issues he is right in there like a dirty shirt getting things done.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms