Why is my 5 year old so defiant and we cannot get along??

Carmen - posted 6 days ago

Hello, I have a 7 yr old daughter. she takes meds. diagnosed with adhd, odd, depression, anxiety, separation anxiety, and emotional disturbance disability. she sees 2 therapists. she is out of control in n out of school. she lies, manipulates, spiteful, abusive, seeks negative and positive attention. recently she picked on her little brother and he hit her with a toy out of anger and blacked her eye (he's 2). she went to school the next day and told her teacher that I did it. she has also told the school that I leave her in the house all day by herself with nothing to eat while I go to work. thing is I DONT HAVE A JOB. she has told random people, family friends etc that I tell her I hate her, I starve her, I lock her in the room.. all kinds of stuff. when she does something wrong she blames it on other people and says people are lying on her. I've tried EVERYTHING. time out, punishment, taking things away, sending my 2 yr old away on weekends n spending undivided time with her, even went as far as pretending to call the cops. nothing phases her. she does what she wants where n why she wants. she has no respect for me, her brother, belongings, authority, nothing. I feel like im dealing with an out of control defiant and disrespectful teenager. n its getting worse as she gets older. shes been this way since she was 3. I feel like my only option is to send her away but I will feel guilty and feel as though I have given up on her. she knows the good and bad consequences of her behavior but she chooses to do it anyway.

Marion - posted on 05/11/2013

A few years have passed since this original post, so I hope things have improved. I am going through this exact same thing with my 5 year old son right now and it breaks my heart. It's not just that he knows how to push my buttons, I work on a psych unit and I am use to dealing with it. It's that nothing works, I am consistent, I have tried so many different techniques it makes me exhausted just thinking about them. It's like he hates me half the time and then is crying about ever losing me the other half. When he is calm, I ask him what he thinks the problem is and he says "I just don't like this family and don't want to be a part of it". Almost everything is a fight all the time, but his teacher and other kids parents think he is a delight. I am not a bad parent, I love him so much and try so hard. After several issues today, I told my husband I am taking him to a psychiatrist, I've done all I can and this is not normal behaviour or reactions. My two younger children are not like this, they don't always listen but it's possible to correct their behaviour. The only difference between home and school that really sticks out for me is that at school they are on routines, where every minute is organized. After at least 3 years of this, I am just getting worn out. Glad to know I am not the only one. Unless you have one of these children you can never understand how frustrating and heartbreakimg it is. I have been reading all the comments and will be trying many of the things suggested. I know a wonderful boy is there, I just have to figure out how to get him to show that at home too.

Jessica - posted on 04/23/2013

Hello Aleshia, I found this post while desperately searching for some answers with my 5 year old daughter, the only difference is she is acting out in school also, not just home. I have tried everything I can think of, but, as you have said of your son, she does not fear or care about any consequences at all! She wants to do what she wants when she wants and it anyone tells her otherwise it's an all out temper tantrum or whining or screaming. You just never know. I have cut out all artificial color because it makes it much worse but, now even without that in her diet she is acting out. I am like you and I really have to use a-lot of walking away and biting my tongue while dealing with her. I too have been thinking of making an appointment with a psychologists, I have two other kids and she screams and yells at them constantly and it keeps our family in a state of chaos. I hope you find answers with your son. I wanted to share with you because I know exactly how you feel and wanted you to know you are not alone.

Debbie - posted on 03/23/2013

I have found that children know what buttons to push at home. We are with them everyday until they find the chinks in our supermom armour we didn't know we had until we have lost control of the whole situation and given command over to the little ones. We are held hostage in our own homes and begin foxhole parenting! While at school there are certain rules for behavior that have to be followed and the teacher consistently follows them lest there be total chaos in the class. There is the rub! Our consistency factor grows lax or we assume the golden rule should work like we think, because we take the kids to their favorite place, they should reciprocate by sharing with each other and clean up after themselves without fuss from us. Only in our dreams, I used to think. But then I found a remarkable little parenting application that worked like a dream! I actually found myself getting happy first-time obedience from my children as they scurried around trying to find ways to make my day better. It was so simple, I couldn't believe it. It seemed to have a built-in conisistency factor that gave me ability to mean what I said and DO IT without the fear of temper tantrums and disrespect. It taught the children self-reliance and how to think of ways to serve one another and build happy family attitudes. I believe it was heavensent. We used the happy face token system in our family for many years and the children talk about this program as a hightlight in their youth. There is a good website that talks about strong-willed children at http://strongwilledchildren.com as well as http://happyfacetokens.com that describes the program. The happy face token system is guaranteed to work within 30 days or your money back. I don't know of too many parenting programs that are guaranteed. It was worth checking into. Good luck.

Carla - posted on 03/23/2013

And that's one of the great reasons these types of forums are so encouraging, Bernadette. We may NEVER have the answers, but sometimes just knowing you are not alone helps. The GOOD news is that they don't stay 5 forever--but honestly, honey, there will come a time when you will miss all this. Maybe not real soon, but those of us who have quiet homes, at least for me, I sometimes miss the zoo-like noise and activity of having a bunch of rowdy teenagers.

We all have seasons in our lives, which pass. As I watch my daughter struggling to juggle work, home, school, husbands, I remember longing for just FIVE minutes of peace and quiet. Now I have hours of quiet, and I miss the old days. If we can, let's enjoy each season for what it is. Once they are grown, you enter into a different season, one of friendship and counseling for them, and it's not the same as them depending on you for EVERYTHING, but it's a nice season. Then come GRANDKIDS, which is a joyous time.

Pray for your children. Pray for protection, knowledge and wisdom, and a Christian spirit. Teach your children the ways of the Lord, from the time they are infants. As the world gets worse, you may be the only Jesus they will see.

God bless, all

Bernadette - posted on 03/23/2013

I have read some great ideas I will try with mine......and all I can say is THANK GOD IT'S NOT JUST ME!!!!! LOL.....thanks ladies.....:)

Carla - posted on 10/12/2012

Sounds like, off the top of my head, Crystal, that it's emotional. You say he's your step-son--so I am taking it he went through the divorce. Divorce is terribly hard on children, I don't care WHAT the experts say. Talk to your husband about a therapist. Kids often think the divorce is their fault and have terrible feelings of guilt. They also want their mom and dad, no matter how bad it was, back together again. If he's good at school, I would think it's what's at home that's bothering him. He needs security, love and patience.



God bless, hon, let us know how it goes.

Crystal - posted on 10/12/2012

I have a 6 year old step son he is exactly the same as to what you have described, he hits me and himself, he breaks everything, he refuses to do anything that is asked of him or anything he is required to do, actually right now at this time he has a black eye, and rug burn from doing these things. Again teachers have zero problems and other care givers also do not have any problems. I have a total of 4 children and he scares my other 3. He screams for long periods of time, I have tried multiple forms of discipline such as spanking, time outs, added chores, writing the I will not do it again, talking to him, taking things away, grounding him to his room, and the latest is the 1-2-3 Magic, and that also does not work. He has even gone as far as cutting off his 6 yr old sisters hair while she was asleep. I am scared for myself, and my other children, as well as for him. What is to become of him as an adult if he does not learn now? Also I have had him tested for ADHD, and Autism, they say he has nothing. Do you have any suggestions???

Shelly - posted on 07/02/2010

Yes, Love and Logic is a book. And Rhonnie- there are so many different forms of ADHD some don't have focus and some are Hyper. My son was impulsive. Where some of the destruction came into play.

Alba - posted on 06/27/2010

Sounds like my son. Thanks for sharing your info.

Nicole - posted on 06/27/2010

They always want to start with the charts! No, they will not work for your son. My son is the same - he is almost 12 now. He saves his outbursts for Mom and Dad. Very rarely does he lose it with anyone else. He has been diagnosed with ADHD/ODD and meds for the ADHD make the ODD worse as well as give him anxiety attacks.

Check out this website: http://www.drjeffonline.com/

This is the doc that wrote the book "10 Days to a Less Defiant Child". I cried when I read his intro because it hit home. He talked about how, as parents of these children, we feel like such faillures because we HAVE tried everything and it doesn't work! People who have never parented a child like our sons do not know the stress that we deal with every day.
Dr. Jeff's book goes over ways for you to help control your anger when dealing with a difficult child. He explains how defiant children feed off of your anger. He also addresses how you can go about situations in a non-confrontational manner and gives you examples of what you may normally say and what you should say. Kind of like going at it from a different angle. I hope this helps!

Marcie - posted on 06/27/2010

You should have him seen by a child psychologist. I have a 5 year old who is defiant and sound similar to yours but not as bad as your describing. I admit not being consistent with him at an earlier age, & my husband has been constant & he has no problems w/ him - I'm now being consistent & he is behaving better. I worried about ODD or oppositional defiant disorder - & yes it exists w/ therapy they say 80& of kids can be turned around in ~ 3 yrs, or my child may have early signs of ADHA. So I'm in a similar boat - if he has ODD_ please seek help as this would be a very tough teenager to live with & handle.

Christina - posted on 06/27/2010

I think it would be helpful to see a therapist that specializes in issues with children and parents. This person can get a detailed history and watch the two of you interact. A therapist can also give you some behavioral things to try to get things under control. My recommendation is to be calm and consistent in every situation. It is always a good idea to ask for help.

Alba - posted on 06/26/2010

I have the same issue with my oldest (7) and he is getting better with Attachment Parenting principles. I HIGHLY RECOMMED it. Some books to read are "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" and "The Continuum Concept" Also check out this website... http://www.attachmentparenting.org/

Rhonnie - posted on 06/26/2010

I wish people would stop putting the blame on ADHD. My oldest child had it and bad and violent behavior was not one of them. It is the lack of focus. Please, look deeper into this. This poor child could have some kind of psych. problem. It just won't go away with a pill. Please take him and have him evalu. by a professional. Don't take no for an answer! Fight! Moms are the kids best REPS.!

Lynne - posted on 06/26/2010

Just want to say I completely feel your pain as I have a 6 year old son who is very defiant. It is the most frustrating and anger inducing thing in the world when just about EVERY day is a battle. My son has adhd with oppositional defiance disorder. I'm in no way saying that is the case for your son as I am not a doctor and would have no way of knowing that. But your best bet is to have him evaluated by a psychologist to see what exactly you may be dealing with. Hopefully the psych can also point you in the right direction to some parenting techniques that best help children who are defiant. The standard discipline does not work with these children. For example, with my son you can't spank him. If you do, it does nothing to stop him from the negative behavior. He just keeps doing the same thing (screaming at you, throwing things etc). So, what's next? Spank him harder? Tried that. Still nothing. And then? Can't beat the tar out of him, and certainly don't want to. Also can't let him get his way all of the time because that also sends the wrong message. I have found with my son he so enjoys pushing our buttons and the powerful feeling of control he gets when he gets us infuriated with him. Most of it is about control. With us, when we remain calm (much easier said than done) and don't let him have that control he tends to calm down faster. And if he consistently sees that his usual techniques have failed to work that particular behavior will extinguish. We also take away valuable things and implement time outs (which does tend to help all of us to calm down). Finding something valuable tends to be a challenge for us too as he tends to either lose or destroy things shortly after he gets them. Not much seems to be that important to him. Thankfully, as he's getting older though he's starting take interest in certain movie characters which helps us with those kinds of consequences.

About remaining calm when he's defiant, I have found that remaining calm myself and talking to him in a calm tone works far better for getting him to comply than yelling or screaming at him. The more you yell, the more defiant he may become. The more defiant he becomes the more you yell. Anger feeds anger and I'm sure you are well aware spirals out of control very quickly and easily.

But above all, definitely get him to the psychologist for both of your sake. Make sure you tell the psych how you are feeling as well and how this is impacting your life.

I hope this helps even a little bit. It really is so difficult to deal with. Good luck at getting to the bottom of the behavior with the Psych eval. Hopefully you get some useful information.

Lynne

Aleshia - posted on 06/25/2010

I meant is it A book?

Aleshia - posted on 06/25/2010

Is "Love and Logic" and book?

Julie - posted on 06/25/2010

It seems he enjoys getting you riled up. When he gets you angry, he wins. Its a game. I work with children with some really tough home lives, many from families of gangs, the stress of their lives is too much for them to handle, and their behavior reflects it. (I'm not saying that is where your son is at, but the behaviors reflect what I see.) The fact that he's only doing it for you is actually a good sign, their is still time to fix it. I use "Love and Logic" in my classroom. It focuses on logical consequences. Taking things away no longer phases him, he just feels with you that is the way it is. Think of a specific behavior that particularly makes you angry. Rehearse the situation and your reaction, giving a consequence that directly matches the crime. Rehearsing it, and waiting for it to happen allows you to keep your cool, because you already knew it was coming, and you've already planned out your response and how he will react, and how you will deal with that reaction. "This toy is causing fights, so this toy will have to sit on top of the fridge." Use one liners like, "I love you too much to argue," when he tries to engage you an argument or "It seems to be so" when he throws its not fair at you. Get a a relaxed tone, and repeat the same line over and over until he choose to speak in a respectful tone or back down. Realize people function in 2 modes, frontal lobe (clear rational thinking), and brain stem mode (fight or flight). You know you are feeling yourself slipping into fight or flight, and can not work with him at that time, he also can not be rational when he's in fight or flight, you have to both be calm. Look into "Love and Logic." The amount of change it has made in my kindergarten classroom and in my home is amazing!

Aleshia - posted on 06/25/2010

Yes, I did go talk to the psychologist yesterday. She said to start him off on this reward chart( I do not feel confident in this because I have tried this before and I told her rewards do not work for him). I am going to do it again just because she told me to, but guess we will see how this works for him this time.

Carla - posted on 06/25/2010

I can hear your frustrations, Aleshia, loud and clear. Having been through my own and now grandchildren, I am not shocked by your statement that you're afraid you'll hurt him. Anyone that is honest will admit (after having raised them to adulthood) that the thought hasn't crossed their minds from time to time. So, first, I would like to say, don't feel guilty or that you're a bad parent.

My daughter called me one day, her little one was about 20months at the time. She said 'I need you to take her'. We were on our way out at the time, and I told her so. She said 'no, Mom, you don't understand, I NEED you to take her!' I got it. We went immediately and took her to brunch with us.
If you have friends or family around when you feel like that, please arrange with them to take him for an hour or so. Both her children are strong-willed, but with Grammy they know there is no nonsense. I think it's a mom-kid-thing.

I will mention my old stand-by, Supernanny. I have seen her take the most violent child and using the Naughty Chair system, turns them into compliant children. It takes a while, and a lot of patience, but it works. I put the naughty chair in the corner, either facing the trash can (make sure it's clean ;)) or the dryer, so there's no distractions. First tell them what to do, or what not to do. Give them a warning, and let them know it's 'the warning'. If they don't comply, put them in, 1 min for each year, so in your case, 5 minutes. My grandbabies HATE the naughty chair, so they don't even want 'the warning'. Put him on the chair. Set the timer. If he gets off, turn the timer off, and don't set it again until he seems like he's going to stay there. This takes time and patience, but if you start doing this, and get the point across that if he misbehaves, this will be the consequence, it will help. After he sits his 5 minutes, go to him, explain again why he was put on the chair, or make him tell you why he was on the naughty chair, then make him apologize and then hugs and kisses. This sounds easy, but it's not, he will try to get off, but don't say anything to him, just go get him and put him back on.

Your anger comes from not being in control of the situation, and his anger is coming from not being able to be in control! But you are the parent, he is the child, and you have to make him understand that your will is what is obeyed, not his.

If he breaks toys, give him a rubber ball to play with, I don't think he can break that. Children in this generation seem so much more destructive; I think it comes, partly, from knowing that if they break something, you will replace it with another or something better.

I see you were to talk with the psychologist yesterday, I hope he/she had some good advice.

God bless, honey.

Susan - posted on 06/22/2010

i went through that with my son and i had to send him to a group home for 45 days to get evaluated and he is severe adhd and also bipolar and yes he does take meds for it since then he has had outburst but they have been very mild sometimes his outburst would last anywhere from 12hrs to 24hrs each time but now they only last maybe 10 min

as far as counciling yes he went to thats also and thats where they recommened i send him to the group home

he outburst started at age 21/2 yrs and he is now 71/2 yrs old he got kicked out of 3 daycares, headstart, and what we have is called the ymca all between ages of 3 to 5 yrs old

at one point i almost lost him to the department of child serves because of his out burst

Sandra - posted on 06/22/2010

Keep firm and strong with him. Remember to make a big deal out of any good and desirable behavior and don't over react to undesired behavior. It seems so counter intuitive to do it that way. Just remember he is five, and there is nothing in this world that a five year old could do to you that would require you to "hurt" him. I am not against spanking, but it needs to be done appropriately. The punishment must fit the crime, so to speak. I work in a special ed coop and there is not much in the form of behaviors I have not seen (I have the scars to prove it). It can be handled. You need to breathe and stay clam. Do NOT by any means act when you are not clam. He is watching to see how you handle things and KNOWs your triggers and just how far to push you. Keep your head up and don't do anything that would cause harm. You can do this.

Laura - posted on 06/21/2010

We have a Golden Ticket rule. He gets 5 at the beginning of each day, if he makes a bad choice automatically take away a ticket. If he loses all tickets by the end of the day-he loses all priveledges. Some may say that this is giving chances, but it works for us. He also earns a quarter for each ticket he has at the end of the day to save up for something he likes-so it is positive and negative rewards. Heard it on the radio from a Christian author once on behavior issues. Try it and see. Hint-let him make his own tickets and make it fun. I would write down on the calendar at the end of the day how many he had left. PS this is the only thing that works with my strong willed son. I think it gives him some empowerment.

Kelsey - posted on 06/21/2010

Well I am not sure if I have any suggestions for you b/c my daughter has been having some behavioral problems with me. When she gets mad at something or when she can't do something, she bangs her head. Our Dr. tells us it's just a phase but it's lasted forever.
My daughter and I butt heads a lot and I get seriously frustrated at her more than I think I should. So if you find out anything, let me know.

Aleshia - posted on 06/19/2010

Thanks everyone for the inputs, long or short. Some I agree with, others I do not. I am only judging based on how I know he will react to these suggestions because I have already tried just about everything yall have mentioned. The reward thing...stars, sweets, treats, toys,.....NO, NO, NO...I do not know why, but he becomes very demanding of his rewards and expects them every single day. He will try to be a little con artist and make up reasons why he deserves his rewards, and NEVER KNOWS WHEN TO STOP. He will complain the rest of the day about why he NEEDS his reward. I just choose not do do rewards anymore

Lisa - posted on 06/19/2010

first, no more chances. when you discipline, make it stick. second, get the CDs Total Transformations. It will teach you how to deal with an abusive child. your son needs some serious help--starting with you changing your parenting skills.
the second thing is he needs an outlet for his energy. taking away everything because he destroys them is totally understandable, but also let him earn them back. Make a chart and when he is obedient he gets a star and when he screams, or does something you don't like (make sure it's written down) he gets a minus.

Jennifer - posted on 06/19/2010

maybe he's bored. I know thats sounds too simple but if he doesnt act this way in school were he gets constant interactions with others and has a veriety of things to do then the answer may be just that. Or he could be jelous. Take time, a couple hours a week and take a walk with him alone, go on a hike and have him take a journal and write or draw what you two see and talk to him about it. If he lashes out to only you maybe he just feels like you betrayed him in bringing a new kid in the house and now a new man. Don't back down or feel guilty just make him understand that you still love him even though there are other people in your life. And if you don;t do this already read him a bedtime story everynight (either you or your boyfriend) even if he acts up during the day. My son doesn't act up in the same way, but he is sensative and thinks that we don't like him anymore if he doesn't get a story each night becuase he misbehaved during the day.

Lorraine Alicia - posted on 06/19/2010

I have a six year old son who can be very unruly and somtimes he drives me up a wall. I have made the same mistake with giving him many chances now he only have one chance.



I know somtimes not dealing with them is easier on us but i promise you if you stick with it he will come in line. When he changes his mode you change stay on top do not allow him to think he has won because you will have start all over again.



People who do not have children like this will not understand. They will not understand how a little child like that could cause so much trouble but trust me i know. I can give you stories upon stories of the things my son have done but that will not help.



You need to remain in charge sorry to say but he has to know you are the adult and he is the child and you want the best for him. You have to correct him with love and not anger because that can lead to a place you do not want to go.



When my son acts up and i get extremely angry i give time out trust me its not just for him its for me so i can regroup collect my taught and deal with the situation at hand in the best manner possible.



One of the most important thing i do is i also pray for him and myself ask god to give me wisdom in dealing with him and show me ways to get through to him.

Amanda - posted on 06/19/2010

i have the very same problem with my 9 yr old son u are not alone i braught him to speilaists were i was told it was my fault i needed to do a parenting course were i had done 2 years marti mao therephy with him nunerous parenting course and with 3 smaller children thet he was hurtin i had to send him to my mothers for a while as i was going to loose my other children over bruises he had left on them it was only then that the doctors took me serious and he has been diagnosied with adhd just 3 weeks ago and we are all lookin forward to him comin back home with the help of the doctors dont give up yr hope and strenght u are doing everything u can just keep takin deep breaths and try to ignore his behavior hopefully u will get the best help for ye soon through this physcoligist its a long road but if you need to blow of steem at any time email me at mandie@live.ie i understand everything that you are going through and dont let them fog you of with u doing a parenting course although they help they arent the answer you need it took 4 yrs of going to different doctors to get my sons behaviour sorted out just a small bit i wish you the best of luck its a long road but u will get there

mandie

Aimee - posted on 06/18/2010

When you go in to talk to a psycologist...ask them about ODD...(oppositional defiance disorder)...it sounds like there could be a possiblity of this....research it and see if any of the sxs match your sons behavior. GOOD luck...and remember others have been in the same boat as you and its not easy but it can be worked on and things can get better.

Jenna - posted on 06/18/2010

I don't know you situation, however, I do know that if your child doesn't have anything to do, his behavior will get worse. Try buying him something ya'll can do together, and only let him play with it when you have time to devote to him. I can't stress enough how important that you spend every moment you can with him...doing fun, constructive things. He is lashing out for a reason. The more time you can spend with him, the more you will learn. I'm sure you have a busy life, where you don't know where your next minute will come from, let a lone your next couple hours, but you need to. Also, I'm not sure how long you've been dating your boyfriend, or how long you were together before he moved in, but that may be an issue as well. Especially when it comes to disapline. I know it takes a lot, not to haul off and smack them sometimes, but believe me, it only makes matters worse. As a matter of fact, there was an article in Time magazine (2 months ago) about spanking...it will make your child more aggressive. You can turn him around, it will take a LOT of time and energy. When he acts out; rather than yell at him from across the room, try going to him, bending down to talk face to face and tell him exactly what it is you expect from him. If he replys, great! If not, tell him he is only getting 1 warning, and ask him to do it again. If he still does not reply, make him sit facing a corner for 1 minute for each year (6 yr old= 6 minutes). Do not talk, argue, or even look at him until his time is up. After his time is up, go back to him (at eye level) and tell him again why he was in time out and ask him to do what you had asked. If you he replys, great! If not, repeat the above steps, no matter how many times it takes. But the main idea here is to let him know that he does not call the shots. It is also very important to ALWAYS use a calm, cool and collected voice. He will learn from what he sees. Hope this helps!

Kaylea - posted on 06/18/2010

One thing to look at is he is doing well in school. My 6 year old is strong willed at school and at home. Bit huge tantrums when he does not get his own way.
One thing you might try with the wanting to take things apart, find an old computer, recycled or something and let him take it apart and try to build something else, or my sister took her sone to a second hand store and bought an old phone or electronic thing and let him take it apart.
right now with my boys they earn stars for respectful, safe and responsible behavior, I used different words, and once they get 10 stars they earn a super star which is worth 30 minutes of extra Wii time., or they can use it to get a small prize, right now they are into lego guys.
Since his behavior was at home and at school plus a history of ADHD, both my sons are one adhd medication. this has helped significantly with my stubborn 6 year old.
I also tried many different interventions, earning quick rewards, taking all toys out of his room, it did not change his behavior.
I was told by the school counselor "it seems he has no boundaries" I almost called her some nasty names..

Chrisna - posted on 06/18/2010

Hi! My son just turned five. We've been having problems with him since birth. He's the youngest of three children and he brought me to my knees. Although discipline is very important, always try to see life from his perspective: get down on your knees and see what his seeing, even when you have to explain something to him. You have taken away everything he likes, and you did not replace it with anything else. He sees you as the enemy. Choose your battles well, before you fight, decide if it's worth fighting over. Start enjoying life with him, play and go for walks, plan something special everyday, not always easy, but it realy works! Every time you get angry, he will too, so stay calm and relax, make friends with him

Deanna - posted on 06/18/2010

Try a discipline technique called 123 MAGIC. It worked with my family. I have 3 boys with ADHD and some days I could pull my hair out. This program allowed me to discipline them without emotion. They feed off your negative energy and it just makes it worse. You can get it at the library but you will be on a wait list for a while. We have also given lots of outlet for thier creativity. We get them old appliances at garage sales and let them pull them apart. They have a open craft bin with a multitude of things in it so they can create as they like. As well they have a bin of bits of wood in the shed with nails and hammers. It is amazing what they come up with. This allows them to be busy but not destroying our house. Good luck. Hope these ideas help.

Michelle - posted on 06/18/2010

I know exactly what your going through. The only difference between our sons, is that mine was having problems in school. My son is now 7 (almost 8), & for the last 3 years, I have stood my ground when asking him to do something, or when he asks for something, & I tell him no. If you stand your ground things should turn around. I can't say that it will change over night, but it will change. It may get worse before it gets better, but it will. I will say that for this to work, others have to do the same. If my son wants a new toy or something, he earns the money to buy it himself. When my son would break it, it would go in the trash. When I taught (still teaching) him how to manage his money, he has become more respectful of his things. He still has his difficult days, but you have to work through them to get to the good ones. Yes, I too sought Psychiatric help. If you have any other questions, I'd be glad to try & help with them. Good Luck :)

Amanda - posted on 06/17/2010

Hi Aleshia,



I understand completely how you feel. I have a son who is now 7. We have been having very similar problems since he was 2 years old. It can be frustrating and extremely heart breaking. I love him so much but it can be really really hard.



I took him to see a child psychologist a year ago and she diagnosed Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). It described him perfectly. She has been working with him on anger management and socialisation skills and while it is still a hard road I can definitely see improvements in him.



I think you are doing the right thing seeing a professional. I am certainly very glad we are dealing with this now and not "waiting for him to grow out of it" - something he probably would not. The psychologist is teaching hom skills and techniques he will be able to use to help him control himself for the rest of his life.



I wish you good luck and a lot of empathy and understanding. I hope you are able to get the help you deserve and give you a relationship back with your son.

Melissa - posted on 06/16/2010

Hello,Your son sounds like my 9yr old son when he was that age..lol My son seemed unhappy sence birth! but I think alot has to do with the father figure in his life. my husband at the time (his dad) was never home and when he was , he really wasnt...So therefore I had to be the one 24-7 trying to deal and be stressed out!....It took me along time to finnaly get my son to settle down and SOMEWHAT behave...I think its an attention thing and thats the way they think their going to get it....SO try your hardest and I know how you feel, there was many of times i thought i was going to go crazy and beat him ! but i didnt and we are making it threw everyday, and every day it gets better. I had made a tight rutine try to make everything at the same time..bed..dinner..breakfast...snack time..play time..nap time..be stern be strong and remmber your not alone!..taking away toys never works. do time out somewhere boring and also try geting his energy out go for walks ! i hope the best for you!

Shelia - posted on 06/16/2010

hi! my name is shelia and I'm raising my grandchildren, and they have a psycologist. and they now have our grandson who has a twin sister almost undercontrol. they put him on medication he's more relaxed and is able to behave alot better, he still gets frustraded every now and then . just rest asured its not you, they'll fined out whats happening, make sure you write everything down in a notebook and the day these thing happen it helps them to help you . if you feel like the doctor is not helping get another one especially one that deals with alot of kids. hang in there and good luck . shelia

Shelly - posted on 06/15/2010

I am also thinking the ADHD. I would have him evaluated. We did the same thing. Oh, its the terrible twos, Oh, threes are worse, At four it was why can't he listen, and at 5 bouncing off the walls, talked constantly, always getting into trouble at home!, We started blaming each other for the way we disciplined him. He was put on Focalin XR. The first day he was worse and I thought Oh no what did we do. But the next day he was a totally different child. I enjoy him so much more now. We had him go to our psychiatrist and she diagnosed him. We now have our sweet polite well behaved kid we knew was in there. Our Dr said you will know it is not your parenting that is making him this way if your other kids are not that way. Just a thought. Here are some questions to ask yourself. If you answer yes to most of them then get him help. Good Luck.

A person with ADHD may have some or all of the following symptoms:

difficulty paying attention to details and tendency to make careless mistakes in school or other activities; producing work that is often messy and careless
easily distracted by irrelevant stimuli and frequently interrupting ongoing tasks to attend to trivial noises or events that are usually ignored by others
inability to sustain attention on tasks or activities
difficulty finishing schoolwork or paperwork or performing tasks that require concentration
frequent shifts from one uncompleted activity to another
procrastination
disorganized work habits
forgetfulness in daily activities (for example, missing appointments, forgetting to bring lunch)
failure to complete tasks such as homework or chores
frequent shifts in conversation, not listening to others, not keeping one's mind on conversations, and not following details or rules of activities in social situations
Hyperactivity symptoms may be apparent in very young preschoolers and are nearly always present before the age of seven. Symptoms include:

fidgeting, squirming when seated
getting up frequently to walk or run around
running or climbing excessively when it's inappropriate (in teens this may appear as restlessness)
having difficulty playing quietly or engaging in quiet leisure activities
being always on the go
often talking excessively

Michelle - posted on 06/15/2010

He is picking up on your moods, its that simple. I have had the exact same feelings towards my daughter, but I noticed that on the days where I was having a bad day, she would start as well. But even though she still has days like that, it has gotten better and she does love me, and only me. What happened 2.5 years ago? Was there any specific change in his life or yours? I find if I cant talk to anyone then writing it down helps. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm blaming you, believe me I 'm not. Its just I have been there and its only recently things have started to turn around for me and my daughter is noticing the impact on her, similarly she and her Dad are having problems now, but that was because there was a family situation a while ago and she only had me. I have a family visitor and a health nurse I can talk too, they dont judge, they want to help you and your son. But you do need to let the anger and guilt out. It isnt your fault. I hope you get the help you need and deserve

Jennifer - posted on 06/15/2010

I know this will sound too short and too simple, but even though it's totally inconceivable to you, i think he "doesn't think you love him." Of course that is the farthest from the truth, but in his brain he has an enormous craving for your love. My advice is for you to set a mom and son night every two weeks where you make arrangements for your other children to be cared for by family or friends while the two of you go to pizza or a new fun movie with ice cream afterwards. The point is, remove the two of you from home, for total one on one bonding. In the beginning he will not "talk" to you (I mean about anything that bothers him or his perspective on life, etc.). But each week, he will "say" something of significance. Don't push him. Just listen. Just "be." The more he begins to trust your love I think he will start to calm down. Maybe he will initiate these times and you can out of your regular schedule get away to hang out together. This is my first post on this website since I became a member at least over a year ago. But I felt I have something to share. Hang in there mom. As much resentment as you feel towards him right now, and as little as you want to spend any time with him right now...Now is the time to bond with him. Good luck.

Wendy - posted on 06/15/2010

sounds like your brother had a sort of adhd disorder hun. which goes to show what happens when it is left with out treatment and help, though not nice for you and your family to go through (my neice has a lock on her bedroom door as nephew will go after her in one of his spats and she barrakades herself in till he is finished) it is a real shame he did not get the help he sounds like he needed which im sure would of helpped you all have a better life. sadly even now you have to fight to get your child diagnosed and get treatment . a life sadly wasted. x

Danielle - posted on 06/15/2010

i dont mean to scare you when i post this, but your little boy's behavior sounds like the way my (now 16-yr old) brother behaved as a child towards my mother. my brother has now been arrested once, and had several charges against him for drug-use, underage-drinking, and jumping fences. (he does parkour with his friends.) my little bro has been mean for as long as i can remember. when he was 3, he called my mother a bitch and pushed a shopping cart into her and knocked her over in a store. he used to sit out front and wait for other children to pass, and when they came by he would start a fight with them. even though he is almost 8 years younger than myself, he used to taunt me and abuse me mentally. for years, he has been telling me and my mother that he hates us, that we are stupid, and that we are worthless. my mother has been in this alone, and she has no energy left to try after he sucked all the energy out of this family. the sad part is that he is really smart, and has some natural talents. but for whatever reason, he doesnt like people and mistrusts everyone but his losery friends. where did he get all this bad behavior? we can only guess that his shotty relationship with my father can be blamed. my dad was a military guy, and after retirement, an alcoholic. my little bro is very unstable...try to get a handle on this as soon as possible. do whatever you have to do to get your son to trust you to help him. if you have to talk to a therapist, so be it....this world is a scary place, and so many people say that it is only getting worse. i wish you luck.

Rebekah - posted on 06/14/2010

I don't know what kind of advice to give you as I have a boy very much the same. He is 7 almost 8 now and I have as well be struggling with him since he was 2.
I recently came across a book that I think has been somewhat helpful. It's call "How to talk to your kids so they will listen, and listen so they will talk"
The only advice I can give is that when he is acting out, take him and get down to his level so you are looking in his eyes. Tell him that whatever he is doing is bothersome to you or whoever he is doing it to. For example, when my son hits his brother I tell him that when he hits him that can hurt him. And sometimes he will immediately say he is sorry. It shocks me sometimes. But if I were to give him a timeout he would cry and scream and carry on and he would say "he started it" and wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about what he did.
Then give your son choices. Tell him "do you want to do the dishes or sweep the floor first". Then when he does his job reward him with candy or whatever he likes. Sometimes it helps to show him the treat and say that's yours when you finish your work(etc).
Overall try hard(I know how difficult it is) to stay calm and patient. Listen to what your child is really saying. If he is saying "I don't want to do that" then acknowledge that he doesn't want to do that. Somehow if you repeat what they say, they will stop their tantrum...because it shows them that you are listening to their wants and needs.
I hope your days get better. Good luck with everything.

Janice - posted on 06/14/2010

Aleshia, if you don't do so already, you may want to try taking 30-60 minutes a day and spend that time with just him. Use that time to talk, read to him, play in a sand box or take a walk. If you use it to talk, don't use this time to talk about his behavior. Talk about what he wants to talk about. If he is watching someting on tv, ask him if you could join him. If you have him helping you out a lot with younger siblings, after he does something you asked him to do, tell him what a great helper he was to you. Make sure you let him know that you love him but not his behavior. Let him know that the person who bought that object that he broke bought it because they thought he would enjoy it not break it and if they would've known he would break it up they would've left it in the store so another little boy could have had it. When giving him something new that someone bought for him, talk to him about properly caring for his new toys so he will know what is expected of him. Let him know that if he continues to break things that is given to him, you will have no other choice but to let everyone know that they are not to buy him anything else because he cannot care for his things properly. If he continues to not do what is expected of him, if he wants to watch tv take the remote and put it someplace where YOU would have to get it for him and unplug the tv so he would have to rely on you. Then DON'T do it. If he asks you if you are going to help him let him know that since he don't do as you ask, then you feel like no you are not going to help him and that if he want you to do things for him then he have to start listening. Let him "earn" things that he wants or "earn" time to play with his new toys given to him.

Michelle - posted on 06/13/2010

Aleighsha, you are describing my son at that age to a t he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD with aggressive tendencies at the age of 4 we tried for a year to work with him doing behavior modification but his is so severe that the only thing that has helped us is medication. It is like night and day when my son takes his meds we all get along he went from a poor student to an A B student....dances in a semi professional dance troop and has loads of friends talk to the psychologist about the Oppositional defiance disorder as that is what his behavior sounds like. Hope this helps

Wendy - posted on 06/13/2010

lisa you just described my nephew, none of us realised how bad he was for my sister cos though when small he was a little monster he got better in public as he grew up but worse at home, smashing things hitting my sister yet she never said , just that we did not know what he was really like. well he was diagnosed with adhd, ocd , slight autisum and a whole host of other things.
my sister says the ealier you begin the fight to have em diagnosed the better, she did not let him go on ritalin but they found a better alternative. so maybe that is what aliseia needs to do , take him to the docs and begin the fight for someone to assess his behavior, some of my nephews anger came from the fact he did not understand why he was doing those things he tells us and once diagnosed it helpped to know he was not just BAD,
hope this helps hun and if this is his problem you have a long road ahead. goodluck x

Lissa - posted on 06/12/2010

Sorry for the 40 page reply lol

Lissa - posted on 06/12/2010

I could have written this I completely understand. It started before my son was 2, at first he did all these things with everyone, we all put it down to tantrums. As he got older and started to understand social behaviour he stopped it outside the home but continued inside and with close family and friends. Other kids wouldn't play with him because he was so awful to them, friends wouldn't look after him because they couldn't handle it or he was hurting their children. He is now 13 I have had doors smashed ,holes in walls has punched kicked etc etc. He smashes things up, steals, lies and over the years it has gotten worse and worse. He has started to light fires and is becoming more and more dangerous to himself and others. He has accused a couple of people of doing things then admitted it was because he was annoyed at not getting his own way. He has recently told me he will start accusing me of certain things if I don't give him what he wants. When his behaviour starts becoming "noticeable" to the outside world he reigns it in for a while but it never lasts long. We have always been firm and consistent and never ever give in or give up (people almost always assume you are doing the wrong things until they see it for themselves). We have seen various people over the years who all very half heartedly said things like give him star charts. I have at points had to empty his room apart from mattress and bedding(once because he put his furniture in front of the door and started burning things, if it had gone up we couldn't get in). We have seen various people who don't take it seriously because he manipulates so well, he's very much I know I did the wrong thing but it's because (the reasons change depending on who he is talking to). I also think without seeing it people really cannot believe that the nice pleasant boy they see could actually punch his mum or threaten her with a knife. I had a fall and hit my head a couple of years ago and my closest friends and family all thought my son had done something to me and I was covering it up! I think the docotrs believed I was exagerrating. When it comes to punishments he simply doesn't care. I finally got someone to listen but I really worry it may be too late. We are now awaiting an appointment for a full psychiatric appointment (he says he sometimes hears voices, this is recent). It has affected our marraige terribly and we just try and get from day to day with him. Our youngest two are very happy confident and bright, one "proffesional" commented that they seemed unaffected by our eldests behaviour and dealt with it well. My answers is how "normal" is it for a 4 and 5 year old to be in the middle of someone screaming swearing and smashing things up and just ignore it and go to play in a room away from the choas, not getting upset about it. You need to push push push the health proffesional .Stay strong and try not to break, emotionally remove yourself from the violence and name calling getting upset or angry is just hurting you. It's a very good idea to write a bullet point list of behaviours before you see the psychologist. Think about things like his social relationships and how if at all he shows love, remorse, guilt, does he seem to understand what is acceptable but just doesn't see that the rules apply to him. Is he bedwetting, is he violent with others or just directed at you? Try to look at all of these things objectively, you are used to this behaviour so a good day for you may be unimaginable to other parents, write a list and ask your friends on a scale of one to ten how bad would this be for them. Keep a diary of what you did that day what he has eaten, how you have reacted to his behaviour. I feel I am a prisoner to him I can't even go in the bath if he is home because if it kicks off two people need to be there partly for damage limitation and partly to be each others witness that nobody harmed him. Do not give up your son needs help and you know him best, make people listen even if it means badgering them every day until they do something. If you need some support you can message me, I know how lonely this can be.

Marcie - posted on 06/27/2010

You should have him seen by a child psychologist. I have a 5 year old who is defiant and sound similar to yours but not as bad as your describing. I admit not being consistent with him at an earlier age, & my husband has been constant & he has no problems w/ him - I'm now being consistent & he is behaving better. I worried about ODD or oppositional defiant disorder - & yes it exists w/ therapy they say 80& of kids can be turned around in ~ 3 yrs, or my child may have early signs of ADHA. So I'm in a similar boat - if he has ODD_ please seek help as this would be a very tough teenager to live with & handle.