complicated - with much love and loss

Maria - posted on 12/14/2010

I haven't been here in a really long time. I appreciate your thoughts ladies so much. Since I wrote this I have had to really learn to accept that I have no control over these matters and really have no right to expect these things of my children, but I still feel a deep need to have grandchildren, I don't know if it is instinct or what, never the less i feel it, but don't expect it. and iwll be blessed someday if it happens and if not then it wasn't meant to be. My son seems to be doing better now so I am thankful for that.

Teresa - posted on 07/28/2010

I understand completely. I was very saddened by the fact that my son, now 22, would never get married (due to laws about gay marriages here in my state) or have children. He is ok with it. I grieve for his missing these important milestones in his life. However, I remind myself it is HIS life. I have no control over any of my children. If all three decide to never have children or marry then it is their decision and something I have no control over. You have to give it over. You can't control this. It is not yours. I am happy to just enjoy them as they are and know they are my family. Good or bad, loved forever!

Jennifer - posted on 04/29/2010

When we find out that our children are gay there are a lot of our dreams that need adjusting. I know you would like to carry on the family name and there are surrogates if he decides that is what he wants to do. My daughter is gay and I really wanted grandchildren, but recently I have been looking at how the world is and I wonder if this is a place I would want to have to see a grandchild grow up. It is so much different than when we were kids and a lot more harsh than we sometimes realize. I am so sorry for the loss of your child. I can't even begin to imagine how you cope with it.

I do know that you have an awesome son that is gay and it would help him a ton if you could come to fully accept his sexuality and any partner that he chooses. It's not easy but I know you love him and want him to be happy. If you are having troubles accepting it because of religious reasons, it helps to find an accepting gay church in your area and talk to them about the few times in scripture that same gender relations are mentioned in the Bible. I say "same gender sexual relations" because that is not the same as gay. I do not believe that the Bible spoke of homosexuals but of specific types of same gender sexual activity. Also homosexual and same gender sex are not the same. I know of many homosexuals who are celibate. Also, I believe that God loves your son just the way he is and doesn't expect him to change who he is.

If nothing else, at least know that you are not alone. Having a gay child is an adjustment. Once I was able to accept my daughters orientation, I have begun to see how truly amazing she is. I have also become a great advocate for my daughter. I do not let homophobic statements just waft by anymore, I stand up for her and that has helped her and me.