I didn't ask for this, but I am happy he's happy!

Tina - posted on 03/03/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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When I was pregnant with my now nearly 19 year old son... I asked god to let him be happy and healthy... I never said straight. Maybe in hindsight I should have but not at the cost of his happiness.
My son is finally happy with who he is, has friends and fits in. Even has many friends that are girls.
I wonder ed like I am sure many parents do "is this my fault? ... did something happen to cause this?"
maybe it is this there are men, women and gay people.... there is nothing wrong with them, they are the same children we loved before we knew. I am close to my son now and we don't have secrets.
I hope I didn't forget to ask god for anything else...lol this isn't about us! Love them, accept them, and be there as you have always been... you'll still worry that is what parents do, now we may just have different concerns and less concerns... hey teenage pregnancy is probably out! lol
best wishes to all

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Carmina - posted on 05/15/2011

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this is is a nice conversation, i have always wondered what i would do/think if my son said this to me. hes only 19months old haha but its just something you think about. you all have such nice open hearts to your children and have opened myself up to the situation. bless them all x

Jennifer - posted on 05/15/2011

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Teresa-
I understand that you don't want to talk about him being gay or share that with people and I also understand you don't share your straight childrens sexuality with people but the problem is that being straight is automatically assumed which is why discussion isn't needed. Also, until we make it more acceptable for our children to be exactly who they are, gay marriage isn't going to be allowed. As long as we keep them hidden and don't stop people from making nasty remarks, life for them is not going to change. It is also important for you to understand that this is not a lifestyle choice. It is who he is. Living in the Bible belt and having a homophobic father is most likely the main reason he tried to conform and be straight at one time. It could also be the reason he shuns anal sex. (BTW there are many other ways to have sex without engaging in anal sex for gay males)

As for worry about sexually transmitted diseases, it is important to have talks about how to protect himself from sexually transmitted diseases when having sex. STD's can happen to heterosexuals as well as homosexuals but the problem is that most homosexuals are not educated on the best ways to protect themselves. Condoms and having a monogamous relationship are important and so is regular HIV testing for both him and his partner.

My daughter doesn't like flamboyant gay people because she feels that they are just craving for attention and they give a bad impression of what it means to be gay. The quiet ones who look normal and just want to have a normal life with a partner that they love don't get noticed so many people think that flamboyant is what it means to be gay. It's going to be very hard to get Christians to see that being gay ONLY means that you want a lifelong relationship with a member of the same gender as long as there are gay people out there prancing around in costumes at the gay pride parades. If gay people want to be accepted by the mainstream, they have to show people that they are no different than anyone else.... except who they want to spend their lives with.

What do I do? I avidly defend my daughter to my church and the people in it. I let them know that God knew her from the womb and He created her to be exactly who she is. I let them know that she was at least gay from the age of 5 when she wanted to marry her female LUTHERAN preschool teacher. I let them know that I originally prayed fervently that God would change her sexuality since she knew she was gay before the age of accountability. Since I have prayed for my daughter since she was born that God would make her exactly who he wanted her to be and she is STILL gay... I have to assume that God wants her this way. I also have to assume that this is MY chance to learn to LOVE more and to be more like my Savior. Jesus never once condemned a gay person in the Bible. The 10 commandments never mention homosexuality either. My job as a Christian is to Love unconditionally like my savior did. Their job as a Christian is to love gay people enough to make them feel comfortable coming to Christ just as they are and IF God wants to change them, He will. If not, they will remain who they are and it is our job to accept and love them. If we tell a gay person they are going to Hell, we have judged them. We will be judged in the same way that we judge others. I tell them that they should be careful telling people they are going to hell because we might be condemning ourselves to hell at the same time. It is up to God to make that decision.

Teresa - posted on 07/28/2010

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Like Jennifer I am a Christian mom. This has been very difficult for me. My oldest son who is now 22 had dated girls all through middle and high school. He went to the prom and I knew that he was also sexually active with a couple of them. He talked of disliking openly gay people, so I was confused and surprised when he announced at age 19 he was gay. I had seen the signs since he was younger but only to a small extent. His real father was extremely homophobic and I believe this may have caused some inner conflict for him. However, he still talks about how much he hates openly gay people calling them that nasty F word. I asked him how he can say that when he is gay. He shrugs it off and said those kind of people make "real gay people look bad". I totally do not understand this. He also says that he does not like anal sex. This also seems to me to be a contradiction to his chosen lifestyle. My husband has said he believes he may be bi and not strictly homosexual. I love my son and never made it hard on him when he told me, I accept him as he is. It has caused conflict in my religious life. I am not open about my son. We live in the Bible Belt and so being gay is still not as accepted as elsewhere. I also do not believe my sons sexuality needs to be discussed with anyone. We do not go around saying "Hey my daughter and son are straight!" So why would I tell anyone he is gay. I am not ashamed of him but I do worry about him. I would not have chosen this life for him. I worry about sexual diseases for gay people, I worry about hate crimes and I grieve that he will never be a father or in our current political society ever have the right to get married. This makes me incredibly sad. I struggle with that every day. I want only happiness for my child. So I pray a lot for him. Not that he will suddenly wake up and be straight but that God looks out for him and keeps him safe and happy. Since folks I work with or my friends do not know my son is gay, they sometimes say hurtful things about gay people and it is hard for me not to bite back. I do not participate in these snide remarks but it makes me feel like a traitor to my son for not saying something in defense. What do most of you do?

Jennifer - posted on 04/29/2010

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I am a Christian mom of a teenage lesbian. I had a real hard time to begin with. I still sometimes waffle and wonder if I might have somehow caused this but then I remember... my best friend is gay and she has 2 sisters, raised by the same mom in the same house, and they aren't gay. I also remember there are babies born with BOTH genders and no one questions if they caused that. It just happens to be the way they are! If a baby can be born with both genders then why can't a child be born gay? I have to look at the evidence and the evidence points to "this is just the way they are" and it's no one's fault. I personally believe this is how God made my daughter and He loves her just the way she is.

I also had to take the time to look at the passages on same gender sexual relations and examine them in many different ways until I figured out what fit. It didn't fit that God could be a loving God and create my child just to destroy her for who she is. That didn't make sense. I finally figured out that the same gender sexual relations mentioned in the Bible never referred to homosexuals but specific same gender sexual acts. Man on man rape as in Sodom and Gomorrah or Sex to worship a fertility god as in the lists in Leviticus. Anyway, I trust that God created my child the way she is for a reason and if she decides to have a monogamous loving relationship with a member of the same gender or remain celibate, she will be inside God's will.

Stacey - posted on 03/04/2009

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Hi Tina,



   I think your approach is right on. I applaud you for accepting your son, and I assure you, this is not your fault. I have a 13 year old who is just starting to question her sexuality. It seems rather young to me, and I had a hard time with it at first. I did blame myself, because, I am a lesbian. I am happily married to my partner of almost 7 years. I blamed myself for divorcing her dad, her not seeing her father on a daily basis, for living my life openly and honestly. Then I realized that I raised her to be just who she is, and I love her more than anything on this earth! I realize that though she may look up to me, her life does not emulate mine. She just knows that there doesn't have to be a mold that she fits into. That's a good thing.

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