my son just came out the other day,,we didnt have a clue..why do I feel like crying ??
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Jennifer - posted on 08/23/2011
It is a big adjustment when you find out your child is gay. When we have our children, we also have hopes, dreams and images about who they can and will become. When we find out our children are gay, we have to grieve the loss of some of those expectations.
There is also a part of us that knows being gay is not easy and we are sad that our children are going to have such a rough lot in life. It may also be hard on you because the world "expects" boys to act a certain way and girls to act another way. It puts you in a situation where you will need to learn how YOU will handle certain situations. Like when you go to work and someone asks if your son has a girlfriend. My husband skirts the issue where my daughter and I come right out and say she is gay.
There is also the possibility that you may feel that something you did caused this and I can tell you that you in NO WAY could have caused your son to be gay. It is just who he is. He did not choose this, it just is.
There is also the possibility if you are Christian that you fear for his eternal life. I struggled with that one for a long time but once I studied in depth the few times in scripture where same gender relationships are mentioned, I came to the conclusion that it was not about homosexuality but about another type of same gender sex. Most people can not separate sex and sexuality. Gay or straight.... we are still one or the other even if we NEVER engage in intercourse. My daughter is a virgin and she is a lesbian. People ask me how she can know if she is a lesbian if she has never had sex, and I reply.... "I knew I liked boys before I ever even kissed one and no one ever questioned that I was Straight even before I experienced sex for the first time."
Being gay or straight is more about which gender you can see yourself having a life long committed relationship with rather than just sex. I mean, there are straight people in prison who have sex with the same gender....not because they are gay but because it was their only sexual release. There are also gay people who have relationships that do not include sex but they are still gay because of who they are attracted to for lifelong relationships.
One of the most important things you can do is try to talk to your child about this. Try to understand it as much as possible and be honest. If you are feeling sad because you realize that you won't ever have a daughter in law... let yourself grieve that. Use this as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your son. Gay people need supportive parents above all else. The world is not kind in many respects and it will be helpful for him to know that no matter what, you will be there for him.
Kristin - posted on 09/21/2011
Well, I don't have any Christian aid to offer as I am not so inclined, but I can assure you that help & support are out there. We have some amazing friends who are gay & there are thriving communities & resources out there. The more you get involved & offer support the better you all will feel. Sometimes I have to defer to another appropriate role model (counselor, family friend, etc) and admit that while I don't have an answer I will help find one. I didn't expect to know about drag performance, but I always expected to support my kid! Remembering that your child is a person with their own individual identity is important. Keeping that person happy helps too. You may also wish to do a bit of research & find some positives. My daughter identifies lesbian & I was thrilled to see that they are statistically more likely to complete higher education degrees & less likely to suffer domestic abuse. Obviously that's not a guarantee for everyone, but focusing on the positives & offering love & support go a very long way!
Karen - posted on 09/30/2012
My 26 year old son just told me two days ago. I do believe I am open minded, but so many statements on this blog ring true. I had no clue...he's had girlfriends, etc. When he told me (at my nephew's wedding!) he said "it's no big deal, it's not like I'm telling you that I have cancer". True, but as someone posted, "I have lost the dream of what I thought his life would be". I have three other married children who will be totally supportive. His dad thinks somehow it's his fault. I cried off and on all day yesterday, but I also reiterated to him that it doesn't change at all how I feel about him...that I just need time to process all of it. (He also stated that he was in a relationship with his room mate) Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Lynette - posted on 03/30/2012
I cried for six months on and off when my son came out almost 3 years ago. You are entitled to cry it is part of your healing and acceptance.
For a long time my husband and I didn't talk about it to each other or anybody else, then we came to a point that we realized we are not doing ourselves any good. It took me all my courage to talk to our pastor and his wife and she said something that really meant the world to me. Her words were "Talk about it to people tell your friends and family, and yes some of them might and will judge but you will also get those that will pray for you and support you."
Well we did just that and we found more supportive than judgmental people.
We accepted our son for who he is and although I mourned the loss of my lost dreams, I am building new ones.
Elaine - posted on 01/10/2012
Eileen, I think your response is totally normal. When my daughter finally said the words to me that she was a lesbian and informed me of whom she was having a relationship with, I had to take off work and cried for a week. Till this day, I cannot tell you why I was crying. I actually believe now that I had a nervous breakdown.
This happened over five years ago. I am at a different stage now, what I call my self-therapeutic stage, which includes me participating in exercises like joining groups and starting my own blog to give other parents an outlet to speak vent or question, (gaydaughter.blogspot.com). The blog is posted stating that I may write a book but that is not the ultimate goal. I am trying to filter through this situation just like everyone else.
From my experience, I believe that everything said by Jennifer is accurate. Since you do not state your personal feelings other than wanting to cry, I will reserve any personal advice as to how you should handle this revelation.
Jennifer - posted on 08/30/2011
Eileen, I totally understand what you are saying about being open-minded until it comes to our own family. I always thought I was open-minded about this topic...when my daughter came out to me, I realized that my mind was only open a crack and it took my daughter coming out to me to kick that door wide open. LOL
I never realized until my daughter came out to me, how ill equipped the Churches are in handling these situations. I never realized how many "well meaning Christians" actually CAUSE gay people to walk away from God and make them feel that God can never accept them for who they are. I spend a lot of time reassuring my daughter that God loves her exactly the way HE made her and those people calling themselves Christian are actually doing the Devils work by making judgements where none should exist.
The Bible says "Judge not lest you be Judged" and I never realized the significance of that until I had a gay child. I have watched gay people she knows walk away from God because people have judged them and told them that they are going to Hell because they are gay. By Judging them in a place that only God is suited to Judge, they in essence have stolen their gift of eternal life and any chance they had to come to God. I believe those people that made those judgements will be held accountable for the loss of those they judged.
I'm not sure if you are a Christian or not, and it really doesn't matter. I just wanted to let you know that there ARE some of us out here who love Gay people and understand that God loves them too. You will find a lot of the "haters" are typically calling themselves Christian. It's important to know that these people are not doing God's work. They are misled by their "religions" and are actually unknowingly working for the Devil by their hate. God is Love and that's the most important thing to remember.
Sorry about the long winded reply. I tend to get passionate about the subject. I hope that no matter what happens with you and your son that your lives are filled with love and respect. Oh....one more note.... I have noticed that God seems to have made gay people spectacular in certain area's of their lives. It sort of balances out the adversity they face. My daughter is extremely mature for her age and works doing aerial silk performance with the circus. Our neighbor who is gay is also VERY affectionate and accepting of everyone. I believe that is his gift. Look for your son's gift and cherish it.
Jane - posted on 08/30/2011
Because he is not who you believed he was and your fantasy images of his life in the future have to change. No daughter-in-law for one thing. You will adjust your image of him and see a happy but different future for him. First you are mourning the loss of who you thought he was. That is why you feel like crying. It will pass with time.
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