Carol - posted on 06/03/2010 ( 1 mom has responded )
I remained in a selfish abusive relationship. I was an enabler, thinking my Love would be enough for my spouse and my son who after turning 17 turned 180 degrees to the left. I haven't as yet gotten over it. I feel wiped out in ways that is so different than who I was. Or it could be age, been there done that, and frankly for most of my life made good as well as poor choices. I'm 58 and feel totally drained. Nothing or no one seems to motivate or keep me challenged any longer. I'm in a slump and frankly don't care. I got out of my abusive marriage four years ago, me and my son wasn't going to walk on egg shells any longer and my x could pour all the booze he wants from now til kingdom comes. Walking away was freedom, however, the anquish of my son's rebellion and major disrespect left me totally exhausted. I lived for this kid 100%, my worst nitemare came to pass. Much like Job in the Bible had experience with losing his home, his wealth, all his comforts including his kids which he pray every morning over. He had fear in his heart, and so did I over my boy who's now 19 and posting on his facebook and myspace rating me a #2 mom, lowest blow yet. Number 10 is the highest. My x rated a number 3, go figure. My faith has dropped, but I can say it's still here in my heart, just not as big or as strong as it once was. Girls I was on fire, and no devil was going to camp out on my family's backyard. Nonetheless, I really wanted out, I just didn't plan it too well. God no doubt covered me and shield me from much worst. Thank God for my overall health. I have a man in my life, but frankly it may soon be reckoned with as well. The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side if you know what I mean? I'm afraid of being alone. I grew up watching my dad stick it out with my mom, visa versa. My mom constantly said she stuck with my dad cause of financial reasons, my child hood dysfuncitional behavior as well as wrongful learned behavior has me in a pickel you know? I just didn't give too much to planning ahead. I've always been in the "now" or at least a week away, but truthfully never actually done a throrough examination of "what would I want" by the time I reach retirement, kinda goal planning. I just have always danced thru the tulips in hopes that LOVE would come and capture me, take care of me, and all would be cool. Well Love did capture me, but somehow I let it get away too, I speaking of Jesus. I really think it's me, my character flaw, I go into a relationship full steam ahead, giving all I got, rather than taking it slow and easy, both personal and spiritual, and before too long I concentrate on the flaws or what I'm not getting, and then disappointment with feeling I didn't get my way crawls in and I'm in a "Poor Me" place. Sucks doesn't it. To take the time to self evaluate and realize it's not about other people and crummy circumstances, but it really has to do with making wrong choices, jumping right in, vs. taking a scope of the surroundings and walking in one foot at at time, oh well that's me, Love me or not, I will have to accept it, and try again. The only thing about now, there is nothing that craves my interest so it's kinda depression and the old self kicking in isn't quite at full speed. I'd love heartful with solid thought considerations. No bashing please, been there, still there, have Mercy? Thanks, me, my email is email@example.com Carol, a bushed mom and baby boomer who's accomplished the greatest gift from God, my life and my son, good bad or indifferent, but with my choice all the way. It hasn't been an awful journey, and I have been Blessed more than I deserved, for sure.