45 YEAR-OLD MOM OF TEENS TIRED OF LIVING LIFE ALONE

Sara - posted on 07/09/2012

Never let the world tell you what it wants you to be. Happiness is found individually. That is the secret to having it all. Never let someones reaction dictate what your reaction will be. Know who you are and stand beside it without shame.

I am a stay at home mom. If they could they would and they can't so they envy me. They are probably not judging and if they are their life hasn't taken them places where I have been. I can forgive naive and rude because it is the same. Yep, I am lazy and if I wasn't then they would try to put another label on me. Even though we Americans bottle up, label and process everything, individuals cannot be labeled. Of course we are expected to work, we are Americans! Demand individualism and personal happiness. My personal happiness is making sure this marriage doesn't fail. My hope is that someday we will secure a better future of medical benefits, college tuition and a early pension. My husband hasn't finished college and he makes as much as my friends husbands who have. And, he will retire years before they can even think about it. After he does his college will be paid for and he can start thinking about a second career. This is what is about for us. And, it allows me to be more selfish as I work on being unselfish ;). We all need something for ourselves so if just being on the arm of "the Captain" wasn't enough then you are right to have your own career. But, don't let anyone make that choice for you.

How did your husband feel about you staying home? Mine hated it at first and now he is thankful. My son is the best evidence of how it can be beneficial. Sometimes I get insecure and I ask him if I should find a job and he says "NO"! Funny how things change. But, I had to stand up for what I thought was right for us. One day I will go back to work but for now this is what it is. I have to find appreciation in that or I would go totally nuts with my husband away.

It feels so good to find you. I am away from any other military wives and to be truthful I wasn't sure if I wanted to be around them. I have read some of the things they write (random sites) and my husband tells me about some of the other family situations (dysfunctional). I never joined any of the sites until I came across your posting. I was looking for books/sites for helpful ideas to help with the distance. I had to write to you. It was like you took the words out of my mouth. I can tell you appreciate what you have and how your heart aches for the affection. That is me!

Did you just compare us to Mother Teresa! LOVE IT! I feel like a nun. I have compassion for elder people. We live near Sun City, AZ and I think omg this is what is like being alone. Thank God I have my son. And, then I think I better have tons of kids because when I am old I want them to visit me!

You can rant to me anytime! I promise to try and pick you up with words of encouragement. And, I also promise not to say, "I don't know how you do it".

Thank you!
Sara

Mom Of - posted on 07/07/2012

Hi Sara,

I guess our situation is somewhat similar. I know you mentioned that you refused to work full-time, do you work part-time? I'm just asking because I stayed at home for 8 years to be the "dutiful wife" and stick to my strong conviction to raise my children myself. However, during that 8-year stretch, I became very lonely and felt like a loser. For example, I would be some where with my husband, "the Captain" and people (mostly women) would ask me what I did. I would, reply "I'm a stay-at-home mom" I would see the rolling eyes and hear the words "oh", instantaneoulsy labelling me as a worthless lazy person. You know, moms can have it all these days...a career, loving husband, perfect home and well behaved children"... a perfect life! Yeah right! That's so far from the truth. Working women cannot have it all. Something always suffers. Either the family (kids) or work. It's all a lie and we believe it until we're actually living it, stressed out trying to handle it all! Enjoy not working full-time! Trust me, it's not worth all of the stress!

Anyway, enough of my rant! Sorry to hear about you and your husband. It's truly hard to be alone. I really understand. You just want someone to share you days and nights with. Someone to talk to. Someone that understands. I get it! Mother Teresa said that the worst feeling is the feeling of being alone. I truly believe it. You can have all the money in the world, but it doesn't take the place of feeling alone.

Sara, I'm here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on or just to rant like me. Like you said, you're not alone...we have each other to lean on.

Talk to you soon :)

Sara - posted on 07/07/2012

My husband has served 15 years… I see him approximately 20 to 30 days a year. I have been raising our son (age 7) by myself. We have been married for 8 years. I am left alone to take care of everything from the house, finances and raising our son. Unlike you - I refuse to work full-time. But, I miss having something for myself. 

My husband and I barely communicate. I respect his work environment but I feel SO resentful. If he is not out to sea, he telephones once a day or every other day. But, we never have much to say to each other.

I also feel like I am wasting my life away. Shorting myself when it comes to my needs as a woman. My advice - when he is home have the internet disconnected ;). I know my husband loves our son, but he doesn't understand being a dad. My son and I lack the bond and connection most families have with the father figure. We are strangers. 

Are we wrong to feel this way? No, totally normal in our circumstance. For me, how to fill the void is still a working progress. Some days I feel like I can cope and others I cry myself to sleep. I pray for a love note, flowers or kind comment from him. When he is home it is like being touched by a stranger - it feels uncomfortable and unenjoyable. I think I am virgin territory again but this time I don't feel a rush of excitement, only resentment. 

Thank you for your posting. You are not alone and I now know I am not alone.

Mom Of - posted on 07/04/2012

Hi Elyse,

Thanks for your reply. I know it must be difficult to manage all 3 children by yourself...especially, if you just moved to a new area not knowing anyone who may be able to give you hand. I know how you feel...giving up a career to stay home and single-handedly raising children is difficult! I was a stay-at-home mom for 8 years. At that time, I felt so isolated and wanted more, so I went to night school to upgrade my skills. In 2008, I lucked out and got a great job. However, focusing on my career again now interfers with raising my kids. Lots of juggling schedules and rushing all of the time. My eldest daughter works part-time so I have to drive her and my youngest daughter too, who is heavily involved in classical music lessons (viola, piano and youth orchestra) everywhere. I feel like I have absolutely NO time for myself to relax nor to enjoy anything. Work and kids...that's my life now! I feel extremely exhausted by the never-ending "TO-DO" list and the stress of working and raising a family alone has taken a toll on my health. Now that I'm 45 years old, I look at my life and analyze what is really important and miss those quiet days where all that mattered is my children, keeping house and cooking meals. I've learned from this experience, that even though moms can "have it all", something will always suffer. Either work or family. It is absolutelly impossile to have an equal balance if you're doing it all by yourself. Perhaps it's possible if you have support...I don't know personally., And if you're career-driven as myself, family suffers. I'm very independent and always enjoyed making my own money/working, so I found it difficult to be so dependable on my husban'd salary. I have strong independent convictions and feel like a "sponge" living on someone else's income. However, due to my career aspirations, I'm now dealing with a rebellious 12 year-old daughter who (left alone to fend for herself because I'm working and husband is never home) lies, steals and is doing terribly in school and doesn't practice her viola or piano (I pay lots of money for). Now my life is full of regret for not continuing to stay home with my kids, fear that my daughter will not succeed and failure as a mom. So, in this respect, I do appreciate that you need a change of pace from the children, so a live-in nanny might be something to consider. Or maybe consider putting the career on the "back-burner" for now and really enjoy every moment creating memories with your children. I've learned (the hard way) that kids need us at all ages...especially in the tween/teen years. Hope this helps and good luck to you and your wonderful family!