adjusting when he comes back!!!

Clare - posted on 04/10/2009

My husband goes away for 6 weeks then home for 6 so I know what its like to have your routine thrown up in the air when daddies home. My daughter is 9 and son 2, he's been doing this all her life. We have a nice calm routine when he's away but find it always gets a bit out of order when he's home, we do the best we can by sticking to bedtimes and eating times. The children both seem to understand his coming and going and even the 2 year old "chats" to him as often as possible. I talk about him all the time and try to include him in all decisions no matter how small as he struggles to feel included or needed when he gets back. I found when I looked at normal families and saw how little quality time they spend together I realised I was lucky and this is a good life with plenty time when he's home for uninterrupted family time.

Melissa - posted on 04/06/2009

Hi, I am also basically a "single" but married mother. I have 3 children, my daughter will be 2, my boys are 4 and 7. I think the one thing that makes it easier on them is he sends us videos of himself telling them that he loves them and misses them. He also sends them ones that say that they need to listen to mommy, or to make sure that when it is time for bed that they go. And they watch the "night night" video every night before bed. They get to hear him say that he loves them and they get to see him blowing kisses and tell him they love him. It really sounds small but it made a world of difference for them! Also when he does come home I have him just observe the first day or so that he is home. As hard as it is for me to resist the urge just to throw everything in his lap and run out the door, it makes the transition alot easier for us all. That way he can see any changes that I have implemented in the month that he has been gone and any new routines that the children have gotten into. It makes it much easier on all of us and seriously cuts down on the amount of bickering about how things are done now, making the days that he is home much more enjoyable for us all!!!

Allison - posted on 02/18/2009

hi everyone im so glad im not alone. feeling rather down today as my hubby is leaving on friday and will be gone for another one an a half.months this after we hve just been together for less than a month. before that he was also gone for 3 months. after almost 2 yrs of coming and going i thought i would used to it by now but im not. we hve a 17 mnth old son who has probably only spent 6 months with his father. does it ever get any easier?

Tabitha - posted on 02/18/2009

Wow, I didn't realize there were so many "single" moms out there.  I guess I felt like I was the only one whose dear hubby came home on the weekends! Ha!  It is extremely hard.  I make sure that my kids anticipate their dad coming home by speaking of it often.  I also make sure that I do not try to be "dad" too.  When you are raising children especially boys, you do not want to belittle their idea of what a dad does because it is a part of who they will become.  I make sure that they know that dad is working hard for them, but he still keeps up with everything they do.  This includes the good stuff and the bad stuff.  On saying all of this, I didn't arrive at it quickly.  There have been times that I resented the fact that hubby could walk out while I couldn't.  It seemed at times he was leaving his responsibilites behind.  That was my own problem to work out, and I admit sometimes it slips up on me.  I romanticize his job when I am sure it is far from traveling the US touring!

Tabitha - posted on 02/18/2009

Wow, I didn't realize there were so many "single" moms out there.  I guess I felt like I was the only one whose dear hubby came home on the weekends! Ha!  It is extremely hard.  I make sure that my kids anticipate their dad coming home by speaking of it often.  I also make sure that I do not try to be "dad" too.  When you are raising children especially boys, you do not want to belittle their idea of what a dad does because it is a part of who they will become.  I make sure that they know that dad is working hard for them, but he still keeps up with everything they do.  This includes the good stuff and the bad stuff.  On saying all of this, I didn't arrive at it quickly.  There have been times that I resented the fact that hubby could walk out while I couldn't.  It seemed at times he was leaving his responsibilites behind.  That was my own problem to work out, and I admit sometimes it slips up on me.  I romanticize his job when I am sure it is far from traveling the US touring!

Tabitha - posted on 02/18/2009

Wow, I didn't realize there were so many "single" moms out there.  I guess I felt like I was the only one whose dear hubby came home on the weekends! Ha!  It is extremely hard.  I make sure that my kids anticipate their dad coming home by speaking of it often.  I also make sure that I do not try to be "dad" too.  When you are raising children especially boys, you do not want to belittle their idea of what a dad does because it is a part of who they will become.  I make sure that they know that dad is working hard for them, but he still keeps up with everything they do.  This includes the good stuff and the bad stuff.  On saying all of this, I didn't arrive at it quickly.  There have been times that I resented the fact that hubby could walk out while I couldn't.  It seemed at times he was leaving his responsibilites behind.  That was my own problem to work out, and I admit sometimes it slips up on me.  I romanticize his job when I am sure it is far from traveling the US touring!

Nicola - posted on 02/17/2009

Hi Jackie, we live in France and my H works in UK, leaves Monday 4am, and comes home Friday night.  I hate it, it is very very difficult on us girls who are keeping the family and home together.  From the childrens point of view, the way that I deal with it is to include him in everything.    My 5 year old dictates emails for me to send him, which he loves.  Everytime we pass the turning for the road which heads for the coast and the port we always shout * we love you Daddy, see you Friday*, this was really sweet last week because my youngest, 22 months shouted I love you Daddy for the first time!  When it gets to Wednesday, I put them to bed saying *2 more sleeps*.  Don't forget they don't see it as him coming and going into their lives, it is the norm for them and they will just accept it.  I think if mine got the impression I was not happy with it then yes, it would have an impact, but include him, talk about him, I say things like *who loves Daddy more than me*  at random times and they love it.  Also don't forget, that at this age, Daddy's are working hard to keep the family going so some are rarely home before bedtime anyway so the children don't see a Daddy even if he does come home every night when they are in bed.  Thats what I think !  Don't know if its any use to you but it keeps my little girls happy and knowing that they have a loving Daddy xx

Josie - posted on 02/14/2009

My husband works overseas and is usually able to visit every three months or so - just for a couple of weeks, so I might be in a bit of a different boat compared to many of you here.  For all essential purposes I am a single mom and have come to realise the 2 sides of that.  Yes it means that I am solely responsible for everything (laundry, cleaning, bills, kiddie activities, diapers, trash, cooking.....etc....we all know that role well) and I work from home also, but on the flip side I also have the privilege of being in absolute control of my life for 3 month blocks.  I get to keep all the prescious moments to myself, like when my one year old walked for the first time, when she turned one, got teeth etc.  I really try to make sure that I take time to appreciate all those moments fully - it helps me get through day after day!

For me it has been frustrating when my husband comes home and now he wants to have an equal share of my control, but he doesn't want an equal share of the hard work.  So, if you do the math, that means that my fun stuff gets cut in half, while the work doubles after having 2 people to look after instead of just one baby!  I know that he job is hard work and that travelling all the time is stressful, but sometimes it is hard to get past the reality that he can go home or to a hotel at night and crash in front of a tv and do nothing.  Or sleep in on a weekend.  It is difficult not to feel resentful when I sometime struggle  to find 5 minutes to have a shower! (and forget sleeping in!!!!!!!)

The last time he came back was especially hard for me...the last week he was here I was just so mad at him inside, and just kept telling myself...'let it go, he's leaving soon'.  I would ask him to do something and he was say he was tired or busy (doing work even though he was on vacation)....which would make me SOOOOOOOOOO furious!!!!  But after he left i did some real soul searching and I really don't want my marriage to be this way, and I am planning to make some very big changes next time around, starting with a family conference at the beginning to discuss how to divide up the work and how to make sure that we both get some personal time.  I absolutely think that communication is the key, and I want my daughter to gro up with 2 good role models in her life - something I think both my husband and I need to be mindful of.

Shawna - posted on 01/23/2009

I am so glad that I just recently joined FB if not for anything but to find this community.

I think Janet B. has some excellent ideas. I wished we had done things like that when my kids were younger.

Its hard when you find yourself being the primary caretaker with little support from your spouse when it comes to raising the kids. But as they get older it's extremely important to have that back up. We call dad when things go awry and he supports me.

I always found it disappointing when he would come home and it was play, play, play. I felt as though the kids seen dad as the fun one and me as the big meanie. So, it might have been out of sheer resentment that I started those phone calls :) but it was important for me and the kids to recognize dad as an authoritative figure. Of course, I would always speak to my husband and tell him WHAT he was going to say to them before I even put them on the phone with him... :)

But it worked. Still works. Having one parent away is never easy. There is no substitute for physically being with your kids, however, as long as you find ways to include dad even when he's gone, your children will have an easier go of it.

My kids are now 13, 9 and I have a new one 6 mos. (explains why I'm up late, she STILL doesn't sleep through the night). My older ones have dealt with dad being gone all the time for five years now. Its sad because they don't cry anymore when he leaves. I'm not saying they are happy about it, they are just accustomed (immune) to it.

The 13 year old is a boy and he's going through that stage where he needs his dad's advice more than ever. Keeping that line of communication open is key at this point. Dad may not be home but he is there... It's been especially rough on him. Living in a neighborhood where dad's can be seen out playing catch with their kids or doing lawn work etc. makes him wish for things like that. It's not easy! A boy a needs that influence. But a traveling dad is better than no dad at all.

Your kids will get through it, but there is nothing easy about the road ahead. Regardless of what you do --- it is what is. But, having said that, the advice you've received so far is all good advice.

And while I used to feel jealous about Daddy being the fun one... I'm not like that anymore. Dad misses out on quite a bit. If he wishes to shower them with gifts and play dates around town... then so be it. It may be a way of compensating but it seems to make everyone happy enough and I can't really fault that. And some professional advice would say that's not such a good way to go about it. But my kids seem to be healthy enough upstairs. Besides when you travel like my husband anything can happen. I would rather my kids have fun and fond memories to look back on. So its always a big deal when he comes home!

Having said all that, my husbands work is seasonal. He is gone a majority of the year but in the winter time (2-3 months) he is home --- like now. Life is different, almost normal this time of year. But it always hits hard come spring and Dad is back to work. It's a hump but we get through. Kids are so resilient -- yes... but it still affects them. There's no way to sugar coat that.

Good luck. I'm going to be going through it all over again with the 6 month old. And now I will probably try a lot of those things that I didn't have the opportunity to try with the older ones --- the internet is a wonderful thing.

Shelly - posted on 01/20/2009

Jackie,

  I know it's hard when you feel like your a single mom.  But hang in there all you can do is find a distaction for your children when daddy is gone as well as for yourself.  Some times we as mothers get  so stressed out by our husbands being gone that our kids pick up on it.  When your husband gets home make up a family fun day that is just dedicated to spending time with the kids even if it's just playing on the floor with them.  That way your kids don't feel the stress of daddy coming home they will been looking forward to him coming home.  That and play dates play dates play dates.

Alida - posted on 01/20/2009

You need to relax en be the strong one.  Men are not able to adjust to anything and therefor it is important that you stay on top of everything.  You have to give the impression that you are in control in that way he will understand to step back when you need him to.  Kids adjust far better than grownups. 

User - posted on 01/19/2009

I think that trying to keep some type of "schedule" helps us. I'm not strict on times, but try to do about the same things at the same time each night. We try to sit down for dinner and have baths and read a book (most nights). I also have a 5 month old and they like to run the show, sometimes. I also have 9 and 5 yr.olds, so we're looking at homework and other activites, too.

Janet - posted on 11/12/2008

I just try to stay very positive and I refuse to allow myself to head down the path of bitterness. My children will pick it up too. And we are going to be doing this for a long time and I just don't want to live my life full of bitterness. When I start going there I remind myself that we have each other as a family and he is on the road all alone without his favorite people in life. His job is hard and stressful, he works 50+ hours in 4 days usually at a company that he doesn't know anyone. He goes to bed every night alone in a hotel room after a dinner that he ate alone. He may not know exactly what I'm going through but I don't really understand how hard it is for him either.



Your children will follow your lead when it comes to adjusting. They pick up on how you are responding to situations and often determine how they are going to feel about something simply based on your response. We keep a positive spin on his travel. We talk about what Daddy is doing while he is gone and that his work is important. (and Daddy tells them what he did while he is gone at a level that they will understand). We celebrate his successes when he gets home. And we pray together about things that made the week difficult. We talk about how thankful we are that Daddy has a fun a job that provides for our needs.



And he keeps in touch with the kids while he is gone. He talks with them on the phone or we get out the webcams. He helps DD with her homework over the webcam. He plays games with them online when he has the time. He has even eaten dinner with us! We set up the laptop in his spot at the dinner table and had the webcam going. We just try to keep it fun and creative.



So our routine is that he walks in the door at about 7 on Friday night. Hug and kiss and everyone is happy to see Daddy. We sit together and the kids show him their projects from the week. We talk about what happened that week. And then we say a prayer. Sometimes, I'll get up at that point and take a break from the family while he watches a movie with them or plays a game. He puts them to bed and then he and I have a date night (late dinner and a movie).

LInda - posted on 11/12/2008

I dealth with that when my children were babies adn growing up with daddy being a truck driver he can be gone for a week or two at a time. I let them talk to daddy whenever he calls so they dont' miss him so much..

I find that sleeping alone i get better rest, when he comes home i get little to no sleep so i try to make up for it while he is gone...

some days the kids get really mad at me for daddy being gone but i just try to keep them busy.

when he comes home we try family activities and it seems to work out.

my son just started school this year and its hard on him when he wants to show daddy his things he does at school, but i make him put them in a safe place to show him when he does get home..

My daugter starts next year and i'm sure the same will be then.

as far as routine goes i get him involved as much as possible and we stick with the same routine as when he is gone..bed times the same, meal times the same etc...it seems to work for me but daddy has to compy.

good luck!!!

Jennifer - posted on 11/11/2008

I just have to communicate with him when I feel that he is overstepping or being over the top. I find my husband gets less tolerant of out 4 and 5 year old children when he comes home. I just have to throw out a look or say this is how we have been doing it and it usually works things out but it is tough. I agree. I would say communication is the key

Deena - posted on 11/11/2008

My kids are 2 and 4. My situation is my husband is a consultant and works on deadlines. He may only travel a few times a month in 2-3 day lengths, but he also comes home after bed time and leaves before the kids wake. The kids feel like they never see him. In a perfect world I know this is not his preferance. He would love to be home with his family consistently. He left the consulting world and went to work for the city for a full year to improve our family life and I could see how depressed he was. It wasn't worth it. Now instead of fighting it and complaining I support him and talk about him differently around the kids. They know that he works very hard so we can have the toys we play with or the food we eat and the kids mainly the 4 year old speaks respectfully of him too. He says positive things to his sister like "daddy will be home to play with us and put us to bed in 2 more days" and she giggles. And of course I am thankful for not having to work full time and I am able to be with my children more. As far as the disruptions when he is home, I take the opportunity to hide and reset myself. I also communicate what I need from him. A friend of mine showed me what it meant to be a christian wife and to do things with a happy heart. I don't know that I am a good christian wife but she was helpfull in turning my anger around. And thoughts for Alyssa, what if you and the kids did give him the homecoming he wishes for and then the rest of the time he may be more helpful towards you and give you what you need. After 14 years together and almost 2 divorces, I've finally realized that there are no winners in mariage. If there were then there would be a loser. The compromising, the give and take, and most importantly for me, lowering my expectations of him...hahaha. It has helped tremendously! I mainly try to speak and think positively of my situation. What are the alternatives if I didn't?.......

Katye - posted on 11/10/2008

My husband works in Alaska for three weeks and then is home for three weeks, so I can definately understand your situation. My children are 15 and 13 from a previous marriage and 2 and 3 from my current marriage. My husband has been traveling for just over two years and I thought I was going to have to make him stay permanently. I found that I just needed to communicate with him about changes in routine or discipline techniques before he came home so that we always stayed on the same page. I also explained that because I am the one that is here all the time, he had to back me up even when he wanted to give in to temper tantrums and whining fits because he was making my life harder and it wasn't fair to the kids to have two sets of rules. I guess what I'm saying is get together to set rules and then both of you stick to it even when it's hard. We have been practicing this for about 5 months and the kids are completely different. So consistent and very few tantrums. Good luck.

Alyssa - posted on 11/10/2008

Golly that is the one I struggle with the most. I just start getting life in order. The kids doing what they are supposed to and he comes rolling in for 5 or 6 days and then leaves again, starting the whole process over again. Mine are 2 and 4 and the 4 year old is really struggling understanding why daddy leaves all the time. Its also hard to adjust to doing everything myself and having a routine and then when he comes into to town I expect him to help me but actually end up more frustrated than if I'd done everything myself. I get bitter and almost jaded that he's been gone. He has no concept whatsoever about how hard it is to be all alone managing a house, two kids, large dog and two cats all by myself. He expects this big happy homecoming when all I really want to do is give him the girls and take a break. Then he gets jaded. So if you come up with any wisdom let me know.