Getting past the lonliness...???

Amy - posted on 09/15/2009

Cassi, you already know you are not alone in this. The best medicine you have (my opinion) is your phone. Keep those conversations going with your husband. Had you thought about your son joining a sport. Sometimes that helps out too, plus you get to have adult conversation with the other parents. My husband works in Chicago, I live in Michigan. Sometimes he too is out for weeks at a time. I realize it is only 6 hours away but sometimes it's hard to travel. Our youngest plays every sport imaginable, so with her schedule it's hard to get away. But when he is home, we make the most out of the time we get together, even if it is just sitting at the table. I try to do most of the chores around here, so when he is here he doesnt have to worry about them. We have more time that way. Or if the chore is more for him to do, I am right there beside him, even if it is just handing him something. I have been doing this for the last 22 years. It never gets easy, just managable. I strongly advise the computer with the web cam. As for the depression, go see your doctor and have them put you on a light dose, just to help you cope more. If you need to chat, hit me up. Best of luck to you :o~)

Kim - posted on 09/13/2009

Hi Cassi, my other half has been going away as long as we have been together - he used to sometimes go away for up to 4 months at a time which was a bit hard (I think in our 12 years together we have been apart way more than half of that!). I started finding it really hard when we started having the kids - only have 2 (daughter 8 and son 4) - my son feel like about 6 kids though... he does my head in!lol! We moved to Australia from New Zealand a couple of years ago from my family to his - bad mistake! That sent me on a huge spiral down hill with depression etc. Just found coping harder and harder. Then because I do most of the stuff at home when he is offshore, he got more and more used to that and even when he is home its gotten to the point where I have to bear the responsibilities of everything! Hate that - sometimes it is like having 3 kids! At the beginning of the year I saw a counsellor for a while and that helped a little with getting myself back on track. I started studying Graphic Design online and also started boxing which I found fantastic for stress relief! I think my problem was that I just simply lost myself because I was doing everything for everybody else and nothing for myself. I miss my partner when he is offshore (at least it is only 5 weeks on 5 weeks off now) but I actually think I would go a bit insane if he was home all the time now ... the kids just get out of sync when he is home! Kids adapt though. My eldest gets a bit upset when he leaves but she is pretty good considering. She knows he will be back and doesn't get to hung up on it. My son doesn't seem to really notice too much although he does ask about dad. I try not to make a big deal out of it and just carry on per normal, not making special concessions because dad is home or away.

But I think the best thing you can do is do something for yourself if you can - something that makes you feel good - and do it without feeling guilty which I know is sometimes easier said than done. Don't forget who you are in the responsibilities of coping with things by yourself. You are the most important one in the family circle as you are keeping everything functioning and if you don't look after yourself first and foremost everything will get on top of you. And also if you feel like you are not doing things perfectly and getting stressed about it - don't! Forgive yourself for not being perfect, nobody is a perfect parent/partner/housekeeper/bookeeper no matter they what they like others to believe- life happens, you just have to let that sort of thing go as it will totally bog you down.

Good luck with the job hunting.

Stephanie - posted on 09/12/2009

My husband has been working out of town for 4 years nor gone 28 days and home 14. When he started this jb the recruiter told us if you made it through three trips it would get easier, not true. It is really hard sometimes. Seems we have his good times home and sometimes we are miserable. I feel like it has made our marriage stronger, but I don,t think that if we had a choice he would choose this profession again. We are now used to the money, and so are our bills and there is no choice, so we make it work. I feel jealous sometimes because he gets to go out and I don't, all I do is take care of kids and I resent him sometimes. Still I love him more than anything and I hope you give it your full effort and try to make it work. People give up on marriage too easily these days!! Hope I helped!!

Sara - posted on 09/11/2009

Metitation. or how ever you spell. The tantrums I would put a stop to and it sucks. But you have to give him different type of outlet for his feelings. Or everytime he is upset when he gets older he will throw a fit. As for your depression you are aloud to hate his job even though he loves and you have a right to express your feelings. Does his company allow passengers. If so I would take a trip with him. You will see just how hard it is to not sleep next to your loved one. The phone calls help and talk talk talk. Also get a laptop for your husband and a web cam that way he can record short videos for the kids to see and hear his voice and email them when he gets a chance. Invest in a speaker phone so the kids can talk to him and they can hear his voice. Pictures help too. My youngest is 2 1/2 and has a great bond with her father now even if it wasn't great before a year old. You being a stay at home mom help[s too. P.s. the laptop is work equipment and can be taken off on your taxes. Along with anything her purchases while on the road. Pay an accountant to do your taxes so that you can get good advise. I no how you feel. I went through the depression and loneliness and we almost ended up divorced. It is hard and you have to be strong. Make a few friends that can some what understand that will help. I went through a highrisk pregnancy and all while he was on the road. I know just hard it can get. You have to have faith and confidence in yourself that you can do this. Get angry at his job hate it you are allowed to feel that way. But you need to also be able to work threw these feelings and get yourself in a better spot or you will end losing much more in the end.

Vicky - posted on 09/01/2009

It'll get easier. My husband started to travel one month after we were married and it has been 11 years traveling now, we've been together 14 years. I went through the depression, anger, every emotion that you can think of, but now my children keep me busy and I go running every day with another at home mom. You have to focus on you and what makes you happy and in return you will be happy with him and your situation, and your children will be happier and stop acting out. I also have one rule that I, or our boys, can call at any time day or night no matter what and he has to answer. It will get easier.

Tosha - posted on 09/01/2009

My husband is a farm hand so he is away Seeding and Harvest every year.
He is my best friend and helps out a lot with the kids.
We have been doing this 14 years and it has not got any easier.
We have 4 children one who is 18 and on his own.
A 16 year old away at school a 9 year old and a 4 year old.
It doesn’t get easier for us it is the same every year the kids are adjusting to a new school routine as well as their Dad being away. Good friends help but how do you say good-bye to them when your hubby is back and then you and the kid’s want to spend time with him. So much to think about, life sure does not turn out how you expect it, which is good because a lot of great things happen along the way als.
Try to take one day at a time and if you need to don’t be afraid to get help although this may be all the help you need. Its nice to know that we are not alone and people do care!
Hang in there this is now not forever!
God Bless

Sarah - posted on 08/28/2009

What a great idea. I am totally going to use that one :)

Jaimie - posted on 08/27/2009

Quoting Cassi:

I found out that he liked planting things and watching them grow by attending group meetings for Parents As Teachers. He really loves going and doing things with the other kids there. I'm not much on planting things and all that, but whatever makes the kids happy. We get plenty of rain here, it has been a wet summer for us. My 4 year old has water boots he loves to stomp in the puddles with! It's the little things in life that make a difference. Actually tonight at the park my friend and I were talking about how instead of buying new toys and what not for the kids all the time we just like to take them places they like. Like the pool or the park for example, or even just a walk. Both of my kids love being outdoors, the baby never cries when we are outside so we do a lot of walking around town.

Tonight is being a difficult one with the lonliness. It's been almost a week since my husband left again and this is about the time it usually hits me hard. I try to keep busy with the kids during the day, but at night I cant sleep and I just lay here for hours. Then here I am online again just trying to get my mind off of things... Should I see my doctor about this? I just don't want the way i feel to affect my kids.

ok i know i just posted but about the not being able to sleep!! Oh man do i know exactly what you are talking about!!!  I still get that way at times .  like hen he comes home i sleep the hardest i have ever slept in life, then a few days after he leaves i'm tossing and turning, thinking to myself i have to get sleep the kid will be up in so many hours!!!  You can go talk to your dr. about it or what i did was went a bout over the counter sleeping pills. i hope it gets better for you.  if you are really that depressed i would talk to the dr. i'm telling you when he put me on my antidepressants i felt like a new woman it was great!!!

Jaimie - posted on 08/27/2009

Cassie I feel for you, i am also a truckers wife. My hubby has been doing it for a little over 2 years now! the 1st year is the hardst, i ended up on antidepressants. my husbands company is the same way 1 week out 1 day home. so we figured out and better way that helps us with the loneliness and not taking to many days off that cuts into the paycheck. he goes out for 2 weeks home for 2 days, i know it sounds dumb but really it makes it seem like he is home more. my son use to throw fits also, it's really unavoidable. what i did was wen hubby would come home we would take our son to the truck and let him play in it tellin him this is what daddy is in when he's not at home. eventually he got use to it and now it's normal to him. i'm just like you never thought i woulb be 25 and a stay at home mom. but hey life is never what you expect. if you need someone to talk to feel free to email me, and i know i of a website for truckers wives if you need more support. Hang in there girl it will get better!!!!

Natasha - posted on 08/26/2009

My husband did contract work in the mining industry, and it was really hard for me because the mom is always the one that stays home and look after the kids and the house, and then you must be mother and father all in one. Sometimes he was away for six weeks and the longest was two and a half months. The best thing for you is to stay bussy, i started to sell childrens clothing on flea markets on a Saturday, and it really helped me. You make new friends, you are making your own money and it becomes something that you are looking forward too. And what i did with my kids to help them to remember that dad will come back, is i bought a box of smarties, and if you know how long your husband will be away, say he will be away for thirty days count out thirty smarties and put it in a nice big box that the kids had decorate. This will help your 4 year old kid, everymorning when he wakes up let him eat one smartie, and tell him for every smartie that he ate it is one day closer to dads return day, and let him look at the smarties in the box so that he can see that everymorning he ate a smartie that the smarties is getting fewer, and let him know that when the day came that he will be eating the last smartie that is the big day when daddy comes home. Sorry my English is not very good.

Sarah - posted on 08/24/2009

I joined a mothers group through my church. I also arranged for a babysitter to come once a week when my husband is gone to give me a much needed break. I can't say I don't miss my husband every second because I do. But keeping my children and I really busy helps. I searched all the free activitied in the area and attend those. We visit parks I know that are packed with mom so I can talk to another adult. Since my husband travels overseas a lot, phones call arn't so easy so I crave that adult conversation. You will make it, we all will make it. I know what you mean about your childrens attitude changing after daddy leaves. This is my biggest battle because I canoot get my 3.5 year old to settle down. He acts as if he just ate an entire chocolate cake. I just take one day at a time and look forward to the days my husband is home :)

Nicole - posted on 08/22/2009

Hi Cassi, I have been married for 9yrs and my husband's travel with work varies. At times for a few weeks(home on weekends) or 1-3days/wk! We have two children, 4yrs and 2yrs, therefore, I stay very busy. Prior to having children, I was always very independent, very social, and did not mind my husband traveling. Friends/neighbors would comment how I was a so "tough" and a "super mom." However, when my last child was born, I started feeling overwhelmed and lonely. And had an extremely difficult time admitting I needed more support.

A few things that help me: I have a very flexible work schedule and love my career(0-4days/wk, 0-20hrs). My schedule allows me to enjoy what I do, yet does not hinder quality time with my children. I sing at church and play on a tennis team, my social outlets. My husband is very supportive and helps me to be able to enjoy time to myself and even enjoy occasional vacations with girlfriends. My mother-in-law has kept the kids so I can attend practice during the week. We have a family jar with written activities(bowling, picnic at park, movies) for us to enjoy on weekends, for example, this weekend we drew movie night and slumber party in playroom. The kids slept in tents and loved it! My husband and I make it a priority to have a minimum of two dates a month without the children, this morning, we had a babysitter so we could enjoy a bike ride.........watched our bikes while eating lunch at a mall food court sweaty and all!!!

You MUST set aside time for yourself, do not feel guilty!!!! You MUST set aside time for you and your spouse without the children. Do not be ashamed to ask for help. Last thing, I read a book "Baby Wise" prior to first child and it helped with scheduling feeding times/naps/bedtime so when hubby is gone, I have relief in knowing my children WILL be asleep at 8pm!!!!!!

Trust me, I know it's rough but try to focus on the positives when he is away........less cooking, you have control over the remote, control over the temp in the house, and you buy yourself treats without sharing.........lol!!!!!!

Rosalie - posted on 08/15/2009

I feel really bad for you Cassi. I have a travelling husband and 3 weeks was my max. When the kids were little it was especially hard. He was able to only do about 2 weeks at a time and now does only a few days here and there.



Loneliness and depression are not just your problem, it is an epidemic. And throwing in hormones of women's cycles makes it harder. Often women with husbands home are depressed and lonely too.



One thing I have found is that when away my husband calls almost daily and emails. We often have the best conversations over the phone. I tell him about what is happening, the kids, let them talk to dad, and just "share". If he were home I probably wouldn't have his attention that long as chores and tv fight for it.



If you aren't already in a group with other women, I sincerely hope you find one. Having social contact and a break from the children is very important. If you have anyone who can babysit too, I'd suggest hiring them for you to just go out by yourself even if it is an hour only weekly. I'd suggest when he is home you also have a babysitter once in awhile so you two can feel child-free.

Cassi - posted on 08/02/2009

I found out that he liked planting things and watching them grow by attending group meetings for Parents As Teachers. He really loves going and doing things with the other kids there. I'm not much on planting things and all that, but whatever makes the kids happy. We get plenty of rain here, it has been a wet summer for us. My 4 year old has water boots he loves to stomp in the puddles with! It's the little things in life that make a difference. Actually tonight at the park my friend and I were talking about how instead of buying new toys and what not for the kids all the time we just like to take them places they like. Like the pool or the park for example, or even just a walk. Both of my kids love being outdoors, the baby never cries when we are outside so we do a lot of walking around town.



Tonight is being a difficult one with the lonliness. It's been almost a week since my husband left again and this is about the time it usually hits me hard. I try to keep busy with the kids during the day, but at night I cant sleep and I just lay here for hours. Then here I am online again just trying to get my mind off of things... Should I see my doctor about this? I just don't want the way i feel to affect my kids.

Pam - posted on 08/02/2009

We don't get a lot of rain where we are, so when we do the kids and I love to go play in it. When they were that little I had clothes and shoes for them to play in the puddles. Those are some of my favorite memories. How cool that your son enjoys planting flowers. That is something I did not take up. My brother is our only family here. Sometimes he'd watch the kids for us. He is such a softy. That usually ended up with the kids driving him insane. Once our oldest locked himself in the bathroom and my brother had to call us. I could hear my son yelling, "You're not going to spank me!" Oh dear. John and I laughed.

Cassi, you are doing so well at keeping busy with great activities! :)

Cassi - posted on 08/02/2009

it is AWESOME to have a place like this. I do things with the kids, just usually we stick around here. We make play-do cookies, and my son loves planting flowers so i've bought countless flowerpots and we plant flowers in them... he loves watching them grow. we go swimming and to the park for playdates. Tonight of friend of mine called for a playdate because his son is the same age as mine and usually once a week we meet at the park and let the kids play. Tonight was great because my sister offered to keep the baby and I felt so much more relaxed. Thanx for everything! It's so nice having someone to go to the understands.

Pam - posted on 08/01/2009

I am so glad you got out with the kids! We love the demolition derby. When my kids were younger and John went on trips I always planned extra fun things for while he was away. He didn't travel as often, though. With as much as your hubby travels, that would be all the time! But don't feel bad about doing fun things with your kids, like the derby. It will help you and them enjoy your time and make the most of it. It also helps the time go faster. The kids are going to grow up and do things whether you are doing fun things or not, after all. ;)

In some ways it is easier with older kids, and in other ways, I wish they were younger again. I don't know if I'd find this more difficult if my kids were 4 again. Then again, my older two were quite the handful at that age. Especially together!! There is a 2 year gap between them in age. The younger two were not as much of a handful. I'm not dealing with a lot of teen "hormones" or "attitudes", but I'll tell ya, some of the things they go through with friends can be trying! It makes me think things were easier when they were little. When they are bored, it takes more to amuse them. I can't wait till school starts again. :)

The first 7 months of John's job we were doing good if he was home for 3-5 days at a time. That was so difficult. Then I tried to pack in as much family time and the absolute needed to-dos. But of course, he still had work to do for his job, too. It was a crazy time! He still travelled a lot after that, but his time at home would be for a little longer at a time. I find myself wondering how women do this and stay sane. :)

Isn't it nice to have a place like this?

Cassi - posted on 08/01/2009

My husband gets 1 day per week that he stays out... He must stay out a minimum of 2 weeks and when he's home he can't stay for more than 4 days no matter how long he was out... He usually tries to stay out 4 weeks unless there's a special occassion or holiday that way he gets 4 LOOOOOOOOOONG days at home! LOL! So 3 or 4 days a month is about what we see him.



Tonight helped me out a lot. I take the kids visiting and stuff like that but it seems that we just don't do anything fun unless dad is home. Tonight I took them to a demolition derby just up the road. They both really enjoyed it. My 4 year old was amazed that the cars were crashing into each other and though my 7 month old probably didn't understand it he was flapping his arms everywhere and laughing, probably the noise was exciting him. It was fun, and got my mind off of things. It was really my husbands idea to take them because he knows I want to get out and do things more, but I just hate to without him. I feel like it's almost not fair for him that I get to see the kids so much and do so much with them while he's sitting in his truck eating tuna sandwhiches... It really is hard! Is it easier when the kids are older?

Pam - posted on 08/01/2009

My hubby's travels have totally thrown off my sense of time. I never know what day it is any more. Our routine gets a bit tossed, too, with his trips. I laughed when you said sometimes when your routine is interrupted you just want him to go - I do that, too! :D I want him home so much, then he is here and I think it sure messed other things up. Still it is so nice having him back. And how many times have I heard, "I'm doing this for you and the kids"? lol yeah... It so great that you get to talk with your hubby for 2-3 hours a day. I don't get to talk with mine very often when he is traveling. It'd be so nice to be able to talk with him more. Is your husband home for long between trips?

My oldest son has been trying to find a job for a couple of months now and hasn't been able to. I hope things in the economy change soon. Hopefully you will be able to find a job that you will like. That would help with the loneliness some, too.

I wish I had more ideas/suggestions for you. :)

Cassi - posted on 08/01/2009

I cry everytime I think about how much I miss him. Although sometimes when he's here and our routine is interupted I just want him to go! LOL! Thanks for letting me know that I am not the only one having a hard time with this. I try to stay strong for my boys all the time. I talk to my husband all the time. We talk probably a minimum for 2 or 3 hours a day. He always knows what we are doing and what the kids are up to. It helps some that we can talk so much, but at other times it's just makes me miss him more. I was just so used to him being here.



My husband actually took it very hard leaving this last time, especially with our 4 year old throwing such a fit yelling "Don't leave daddy, I don't want you to leave, you don't need to leave"... We actually talked and I'm in the process of trying to find a job but with the economy there isn't much out there right now. When I find something he wants to leave his job and find something local because of the kids. Strange how when he started this it was for the kids and to make their lives better, and now he wants to leave it because it's too hard on the kids.



Thank you so much for your response!

Pam - posted on 08/01/2009

It is difficult to adjust to extended travel schedules. I know what you are going through. A year and half ago my hubby was able to get his dream job, also. I had no idea he'd be traveling so much. I often feel like a single mom. I have to remind myself that I am not a single mom, and I still need to run things by him when I can and include him in the decision making process - especially when it comes to things with the kids - when possible. My kids are older, though. When they are 4 and 7 mo. old, many of the decisions you make are more instantaneous.



I'd like to say that I cope really well with the loneliness and depression when he travels, but I don't. :) It does take a toll. Having time out with friends and for yourself is helpful. Having something of a daily schedule would be helpful. It doesn't mean you have to really regimented, but just a guideline of what you do and when for each day would be helpful for you and your little guy. You'll find it easier for the daily tasks. I make sure that when my hubby is home that he takes care of the big things I can't do. (But why do the vehicles have to break down while he is gone? :s) When he is home, I can't expect him to pick up completely so I can sit back, as much as I'd like to, because he really doesn't know what has been going on with everyone, as much as I try to keep him up to date. So I still have to stay more in charge. I struggle with that as well, since I don't want to be in charge when he is here. And he wants to be, so I have to be more of a side-line coach, without nagging.



I don't really have many friends where I am, so I am often lonely. I think having friends helps. I thought about finding some sort of group to join like a women's bible study or something. Maybe you could find a play group or something? Then your little ones could play and you could hang out with some women.



If nothing else, you know you aren't alone. :)

Pam - posted on 08/01/2009

It is difficult to adjust to extended travel schedules. I know what you are going through. A year and half ago my hubby was able to get his dream job, also. I had no idea he'd be traveling so much. I often feel like a single mom. I have to remind myself that I am not a single mom, and I still need to run things by him when I can and include him in the decision making process - especially when it comes to things with the kids - when possible. My kids are older, though. When they are 4 and 7 mo. old, many of the decisions you make are more instantaneous.



I'd like to say that I cope really well with the loneliness and depression when he travels, but I don't. :) It does take a toll. Having time out with friends and for yourself is helpful. Having something of a daily schedule would be helpful. It doesn't mean you have to really regimented, but just a guideline of what you do and when for each day would be helpful for you and your little guy. You'll find it easier for the daily tasks. I make sure that when my hubby is home that he takes care of the big things I can't do. (But why do the vehicles have to break down while he is gone? :s) When he is home, I can't expect him to pick up completely so I can sit back, as much as I'd like to, because he really doesn't know what has been going on with everyone, as much as I try to keep him up to date. So I still have to stay more in charge. I struggle with that as well, since I don't want to be in charge when he is here. And he wants to be, so I have to be more of a side-line coach, without nagging.



I don't really have many friends where I am, so I am often lonely. I think having friends helps. I thought about finding some sort of group to join like a women's bible study or something. Maybe you could find a play group or something? Then your little ones could play and you could hang out with some women.



If nothing else, you know you aren't alone. :)

Pam - posted on 08/01/2009

It is difficult to adjust to extended travel schedules. I know what you are going through. A year and half ago my hubby was able to get his dream job, also. I had no idea he'd be traveling so much. I often feel like a single mom. I have to remind myself that I am not a single mom, and I still need to run things by him when I can and include him in the decision making process - especially when it comes to things with the kids - when possible. My kids are older, though. When they are 4 and 7 mo. old, many of the decisions you make are more instantaneous.



I'd like to say that I cope really well with the loneliness and depression when he travels, but I don't. :) It does take a toll. Having time out with friends and for yourself is helpful. Having something of a daily schedule would be helpful. It doesn't mean you have to really regimented, but just a guideline of what you do and when for each day would be helpful for you and your little guy. You'll find it easier for the daily tasks. I make sure that when my hubby is home that he takes care of the big things I can't do. (But why do the vehicles have to break down while he is gone? :s) When he is home, I can't expect him to pick up completely so I can sit back, as much as I'd like to, because he really doesn't know what has been going on with everyone, as much as I try to keep him up to date. So I still have to stay more in charge. I struggle with that as well, since I don't want to be in charge when he is here. And he wants to be, so I have to be more of a side-line coach, without nagging.



I don't really have many friends where I am, so I am often lonely. I think having friends helps. I thought about finding some sort of group to join like a women's bible study or something. Maybe you could find a play group or something? Then your little ones could play and you could hang out with some women.



If nothing else, you know you aren't alone. :)