I am really starting to hate him

Kerrie - posted on 02/05/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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hi, i have a two year old and a 5 month old, they are both really demanding as kids are. i am experiencing a lot of problems with my 2 year old. shes hit the terrible two stage and dont i know it. my partner works away monday to friday, he eats out, gets drunk in the bars with his work mates and i really hate him for it. when he as got home on a weekend he as got washed and changed and gone out again. he hardly ever sees his kids or me as it is. obviously i do everything in the house and look after the kids. when he is home it seems i have to ask permission to go and get in the bath i am so fed up. he never helps with the house work or anything. through the daytime on a saturday or sunday he just goes to sleep! when do i get a break!

wow! i feel better already just for getting that out.

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I think gaining insight into another person's life can help.  For instance, I've been jealous before about the eating out and traveling.  However, then I step back and see the bad things that my husband has to deal with.  He is a trucker and gone all week.  He can't kick back and watch TV all week.  He has to use bathrooms all over which are not comfortable.  He has to get in showers that aren't his own.  He's in a truck that is always moving.  He doesn't get to see the kids when they come home from school.  He might be in New York, but he doesn't actually get to tour it.  I went through a time when I was very upset and lonely.  It seemed that when he was home he was sleeping.  He's changed companies now and isn't as tired.  At first, he would make plans to have jam sessions on the guitars when he was home.  I had to sit him down and discuss with him that in reality I only see him a little over 100 days a year out of 365.  It put it into perspective for him.  I do have to allow him the same down time that anyone would need however.  I have learned if you get resentful and angry that it just makes him want to be away from the house more. 

Soula - posted on 02/17/2009

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Try to join him sometimes if you can. You'll get an insight into his life that way and feel closer to him

Rachel - posted on 02/15/2009

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I also get resentful that my husband is able to sleep in a big, comfy hotel bed all night, without interruptions. He is able to go out to nice dinners and out for drinks, while "on the road". I know he is working , but sometimes I wish we could reverse roles!

Lynette - posted on 02/13/2009

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I understand completely!!! My husband travels 2-3 weeks at a time I am left home with 21 month old twins that do not sleep through the night, so I am on the dayshift & the night shift with them and doing the housework, laundry, shopping and everything else. When he is not traveling he does work from home (physically he is home but mentally & emotionally he is still at work). He can't be bothered with helping me with the kids or anything around the house because to quote him "he has to work!!" It's frustrating because I either have to take the girls with me everywhere or get a babysitter. If I do leave when he is there to run errands and get groceries the girls need to be down for their nap and if they get up before I get back or 2 hours (which ever comes first) He is calling my cell phone telling me I need to come home. I too would love a break, just some time for me.

Soula - posted on 02/12/2009

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His attitude would drive me round the bend! You need to talk and establish what his idea of a family life is and what does he think his role as a dad should be, as well as his role as a husband. if you don't spend time together it's likely that you'll drift apart and take each other for granted. I would also strongly advise you to become financially as independent as you can be because you never know what the future holds and you need to be able to generate your own income. I can't stress this enough, a woman with no money of her own has fewer choices in life; trust me, I've had to find out the hard way. Good luck!

Rebecca - posted on 02/11/2009

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Kerrie:



I feel so bad for you and I understand your frustrations.  I think it would be a good idea to tell your husband that the 2 of you need to sit down and talk and that you need him to REALLY listen to you.  It isn't being a stay at home mom with a traveling husband.  He is in the family too and needs to help out and give you a break.  He should want to be with his children and spend time.  There must be boundaries to some degree.  Try to love him, not hate him.  It is easy to get resentful but that isn't Love.  I am sure you both love each other but one must act that way too not just say it.  Actions speak louder than words.  I will pray for you.

Ashlee - posted on 02/10/2009

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U are not the only one.We are both young moms and  unfortunatley our men haven't had a reality check, what it;s like to be at home 24 hours a day and with children no less. Me and my husband both work opposite shfts so of course we never see each other nor spend time. We have 3 lil ones at  home, 3,2,1 I love them to pieces but it's sad to say when two ppl love each other sometimes that just not enough. The one day that we do have to spend time he thinks that watching a football game on tv is quality family time because it's something he wants to do.  I also take care of a special needs baby and travel from thunder bay to Toronto every two weeks. We constantly fight over the smallest things and still we seem to be back at the same place. No where! t seems no matter how much we tell them it goes in one ear and out the other. I feel you.  Having this mom's circle makes me realize I'm not the only one with marriage issues.  We are all listening. This is the best support group ever.

Lynda - posted on 02/09/2009

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I can relate to the part of feeling like your starting to hate him. My husband works away between 3 and 5 weeks at a time and has done for 8 months now. It is very hard emotionally because when I'm lonely for adult company I sometimes resent him & his happiness. He has got it so easy, ok he goes to work & works hard but other than that he has no worries at all. No cooking, washing, cleaning or financials. Meanwhile I have had the 3 kids, both boy's who are now 19 & 16 and finished school & out of work and our daughter who is 9ys at school. I work as a housekeeper & run the house & be the best mum I can and have to look after the financials which really sux, it is so hard. He just spends what he wants & then when I have had to ask him to budget he get's annoyed but yet he don't want to do the financials. When we try to talk about things when he comes home it's all lovely for a couple of days then we just start fighting & disagreeing about nearly everything. Our marriage has been one long continual battle for the last 21yrs & it is really taking it's toll now more than ever.

Best of luck with your partner. Try to keep strong & always respect yourself.

Susan - posted on 02/05/2009

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Kerrie...I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old who is also in the worst of those terrible twos.  I spend so much time dealing with him that the 5 year old acts out because she feels left out.  My husband is away for two weeks at a time and as you can see by the date stamp, I only get time for me, late at night.



I too resent that he is eating in fancy restaurants every day and only wanting to eat my cooking and be waited on when he gets home.  He thinks that his 14 hour work days are relentless, but has no idea what it is like for me at home.   On his last trip, I  e-mailed him my daily iteinerary from beginning to end.  I left out nothing (including barfing dog) since he doesn't take a hint very well.  Then, before he even arrived home, I scheduled my time away for me alone and with girlfriends and didn't give hime a choice.  I also hire a baby-sitter for one night away while he is gone.  When he got home, he never said a word about my time away or that I expected him to take care of the kids.  I also empowered my 5 year old with the words to tell her dad that he needs to step away from the computer and play with her when he is on duty.



He arrives home tomorrow, but has already asked for my days and times that I need away and is scheduling his time away too. 



Find a way to communicate with your man that works for you and take that time you deserve.

Teresa - posted on 02/05/2009

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Kerrie,



 



I am so sorry that you are going through that!  There is no doubt that finding a way to get things on track is so hard.  I know there are all types of people out there, but maybe try to tell him how you feel.  So elementary I know and maybe he isn't the type to listen, but I have to think that if there is love there he won't be able to ignore how you feel.  Maybe if he can understand how managing things at home without him makes you feel then maybe together you can find some common ground. 



 



My husband was so stressed about work for awhile last summer that he would travel Mon-Thurs and then go to baseball games on Friday night.  I stuck with it for about 6 weeks because I knew he needed to find a way to relieve his stress, but I finally had to tell him that the Friday night going out wasn't the problem it was that he was doing it every Friday night.  He started to see it take a toll on the kids and how they behaved and he realized that he was also going to bars after the game that was getting to me.  I let him know that while I trusted him, the problem was that when he was going to bars by himself that opened him up to situations that were disrespectful to me and his obligation to our family.  So when he saw that their was doubt he stopped.  I guess it was just easier to find his relaxation by going to a baseball game with me and the kids than having a ticked of wife and kids.  So the gain was not bigger than the consequences.



No matter what you do, just remember that first you have to act with respect for yourself and if you don't behave like you respect him then he will just get defensive or angry which won't help anyone.

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