It's soooo not the same thing!

Moni - posted on 08/16/2010 ( 29 moms have responded )

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My husband travels a lot for work. Sometimes he's gone 2 nights a week, sometimes for the whole week, sometimes for more than a week or two. We just went through a spell where he was gone all week, home for 48 hours and gone again. It's not fun, as you ladies know, but it's life and you make the best of it. I think what really has gotten me lately though are my friends whose husbands come home every night, at the same time mind you, and think that they know "exactly" how you feel and how tough it is because their husbands don't help with....(insert a chore here). Yes, I am pretty sure I am being petty for being annoyed by this, but honestly, some weeks I would love for my husband to load the dishwasher incorrectly, because that means he's home.

Anyone else have to deal with this? Oh, and being late home by an hour is not the same as being gone for a few days....Whew, just had to get that out. Thanks ladies, I thought this group might understand how I feel :)

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Lisa - posted on 08/27/2010

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The other thing I would encourage you to remember is that this lifestyle outside of many people "frame of reference" They can't get their head around they way our lives are normally, I sometimes think "Man, they just don't get it", and then remind myself that while the situation is different, they are feeling the same thing that I am, just in a different frame of reference.

I am sometimes very frustrated by this as well, but it does help to twist it it around this way..... Hope this helps!

Sonia - posted on 10/03/2010

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Your feelings are not petty they are normal however maybe it would help to see it from their side. My husband is gone longer than some of your husbands and not as long as some of your husbands. They are not trying to be callus of our feelings its just what they know, husband is gone it sucks, point understood believe me. Whats the difference, gone is gone, and we miss them when they are gone. I envy those who have their husband/SO home with them every night and they say how they are upset with them for being an hour late, but isn't that normal. Who am I to say they have no right to feel the way they do just because mine is gone more often. Gone is gone and I miss him however long, he's worth being missed, I love him. Although its true they don't completely get IT, so it seems like you are alone. I wouldn't want them to be in the same shoes, but it really sucks to feel alone because their lives are so different. This is what makes it hard to relate, but if we expect our friends and family to be their for us and not judge shouldn't we offer them the same courtesy. My suggestion, keep up with this sounding board, make friends here. Maybe join a group of ladies who are going through the same thing closer to home as well?

Antoinette - posted on 09/10/2010

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yeah I know how you feel by getting annoyed I mean I have no sympathy for people that complain like that while my husband is off in warzone and it's not like I can call him at work or anything or see his face even on webcam. When he is home though he's at work and its not a normal 9-5 job..he comes home when his work is done on base and then sometimes even gets called right back in when he gets home. It's hard when you have to explain to your 4 year old that you can't call daddy at work. They just don't understand what exactly is going on. It's different when he's not deployed but gone for months of training because he's able to take his phone so our daughter gets kind of confused. But definately not easy seeing them cry for daddy when it's time for bed or stop and watch other kids outside with their daddys and seeing their little smile quickly fade away and eyes water. And definately not easy when you are dealing with that and pregnant and with the reality of having another baby while your husband is at war and being attacked everyday and knowing that he wont be home to cut the cord and hold the baby the very first time and hear the first cry and hear all the coos. It's one thing to expect it when you are in the military lifestyle but another to actually experience it. So really people need to stop complaining others have it way worse and don't sit there and whine.. You just have to keep yourself busy and keep a tight schedule with your children so they at least have some stability they can count on everyday, like keeping bedtimes the same and naptimes, meals, snacks, playtime, etc. Also planning something fun doesn't have to be expensive can be like a picnik at the park or a treasure hunt or something once a week can give everyone something to look forward to other than just moping around waiting for daddy to come home. Also having a positive attitude especally in front of the children really sets the mood for the day.

Alyssa - posted on 08/31/2010

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I can't say I had to deal with the friends part (I don't have any married friends) but I do have to say that whole bit about someone complaining their (bf/fiance/)husband is an hour late is pretty darn funny!! I hadn't been dating my husband all that long and he was traveling while we were dating so it wasn't anything new to me. The first trip he had to take after I moved in with him he was late getting home... By TWO days!!! All due to too much snow...

I can totally understand the annoyance with people who really just do NOT "get it".

Barbara - posted on 08/24/2010

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Is your husband in the military by any chance. She is worried about 2 weeks when you're having a baby without your husband. Maybe she can't live without the sex for 2 weeks. LOL Just trying to add a little light heartedness to our aweful situations.

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Terri - posted on 05/15/2011

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Amen...I'm with you on that one! The closest any of my friends come is one who has a husband that is a firefighter...yes he has 48-72hr shifts (& you can go visit at the firehouse if you choose) but no way on the face of this earth is it the same as a husband that is gone weekly 4-5 days a week in another hotel & state. What is more annoying is that with my husband he can get between 12 & 14 days off most months & everyone always thinks that is so wonderful you get lots of time together...WRONG people WRONG it's called commuting, chores, catching up & lets face it I am not a gardener so he does that too & some where in there we try to do family time for our son. What little time is left over at the end of the night after the house is calm we try to devote to one another, at which point we just want to fall over from exhaustion, watch t.v. in bed & talk. Most weeks, for most of the week I am alone & sometimes it feels like I am alone even when he is home because he is so busy trying to catch up on his stuff that he obviously can not do when he is not home. That being said he is wonderful & I know it won't always be like this but yes I too deal with it. I too would love to tell them how wrong they are because at the end of the day their husband is always there.

Chairettie - posted on 05/04/2011

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Yep, I understand you! It is hard to relate to anyone if you are not in the same situation or have been in the past. When people do that too me I realize they are not really listening or understanding so I know they are not the ones I can confide in/or vent to when I need to talk about it and need supportive encouraging words. But we love them anyway Moni! You have many mommies who are right here with you :o)

Elva - posted on 05/02/2011

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It is hard to not be resentful at times but then on the other hand, they do what they can for us. When my husband was transfered 400 miles away, I was pretty much on my own with 6 kids, the youngest a new born, a 1 yr old, 3 yr old, and 3 in 4-5-6 grades. This was and still is our lifestyle although 4 of those kids are now adults and some even have kids of their own! My husband to this day does nothing when he is home. In fact the other day it shocked ALL of us when he made our bed. 1st time in 20 years!!! He sometimes feels left out when he is home and I have appointments or other previous things that need my attention as I have developed a life that kind of doesn't include him. I started to have hobbies that have turned into businesses and it gives me play money. I DO try to set aside what I can to spend time with him when he is home. The thing that we learned to live with is his profession is not scheduled. He goes when he's called and returns when the job is done. He travels locally and internationally. He can call and say that he leaves for such and such a place and his plane leaves in a few hours and won't return for weeks or months. YES it is hard to not have him for birthdays and anniversaries or any other holiday BUT I can only imagine what it's like for him to be sitting alone in a hotel room during these festive days at home. and I thought I had it hard.

Courtney - posted on 05/01/2011

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You at least get in from friends. I get it from my sister. She doesn't seem to understand why I can't plan a family get together when I work full time, am getting my Masters degree at night and am raising 2 boys practically by myself. During sports season, I am lucky if I have 1 night off without having to cart kids to practices and sit and wait for them while entertaining the other.

She complains about the hours that her husband has to work, yet he is home for dinner every night. She is totally clueless as to how our lives function and it really annoys me. At least I have people from work who understand how tough it is to teach all day and then go home and not ever get a break from kids.

Amy - posted on 04/28/2011

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Yes this is a pet peeve of mine as well. I have had to listen to my "sinister-in law" gripe at her b/f for breathing in the wrong direction and crying about it several times,not stopping once to realize that he is there for her no matter what kind of mud she slings at him. my hubby is a very happy guy when he is home because the last thing I want to do is nag him all day about the little things. I hate listening to my boys sob while they watch daddy make his way toward the terminal. My sister was pouting about her hub working so late when my husband had to leave on my birthday after he had made big plans to "spoil" me that day. He is gone for 6 to 8 weeks on his boat and is home for 2 weeks. He gets no weekends or holidays,not even Thanksgiving or Christmas. We have never in our 6 years of marriage been together for an anniversary. I hate hearing my husband cry because he has missed another of his childs birthdays and because he "has to watch his kids' lives in pictures" . Those are the times when I wanna clock the women that constantly nag nag nag and whine cry whine cry. True, my situation shouldn't have to be anyone else's problem or burden, but its tough when no one out there really gets it. That's why I am so thankful and happy I found all of you. I never thought I would.

Collette - posted on 03/01/2011

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I know what you mean. My best friend tries to tell me she understands because her husband works 12 hour shifts and comes home and goes to bed. Ummm, he's there all weekend. Isn't he?!
To be completely honest, I feel that way sometimes about the women on here, too.
My husband is gone for 7 weeks and then home for 7 days.
I just try to remember that there is always going to be someone out there who has it worse. At least my husband is safe at work. I can't imagine being a military wife!

Angela - posted on 12/26/2010

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My husband travels and has long days at the office when he is at home. I don't think we can judge how hard it is by how long someone is gone. I know I might have an "easy" 10 days with my husband gone and then there will be 1 morning where I feel like I don't like my 2 year old very much and didn't sign up to be a "single mommy".
My husband and I have discussed him taking a job where he would be oversees 6 weeks and back 30 days. In some ways that seems more of a routine and easier to adjust. Being a parent is a hard job period! Let's support each other as mothers who know what it's like to have a husband not always be there, regardless of how often that is!

Moni - posted on 12/26/2010

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Nika, yes, I imagine it must be difficult to have your husband gone for 8 weeks at a time. No, my husband, and many others are not gone as long, but that doesn't eliminate our right to feel the way we do. Every situation is different and we all have our own struggles. Yes, it could be worse, but it is not yours, or anyones, right to discount someones feelings. Having your husband gone for any amount of time sucks, plain and simple. We vent here as we assume there are other ladies here who understand where we're coming from. If it makes you ill to read it, I suggest you avoid these posts.

Talea - posted on 12/09/2010

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Oh yes! My husband drives long haul and can be gone for months. I know annoying it can be. Then I get the "well at least he's not deployed" which is true and while I admire those men and women who make that sacrifice I worry about my husbands safety day and night also. I have been out with him twice and with the teen drivers in summer, the weather in winter and so many horrible drivers I refuse to let myself dwell on it anymore or I make myself sick and get nothing done.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/04/2010

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yes i have my stories a little different then yours my husband has an out of state job and he is gone three weeks out of the month and he is only home for 7 days. i wish he was he to help out with my three year old son and my 5 month old daughter. i also dont like going out and seeing my friends/family with there husbands. hang in there i understand what u are going through

Ashley - posted on 10/28/2010

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I know how u feel my husband to be is gone for three to six weeks home for a few days than gone again as for friends i have some that are good and others who cant understand why i cant just leave to visit them when he is back.

Jodie - posted on 10/27/2010

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i know exactly how you feel and it frustrates and ticks me off as well. my husband is only home 6 days a month, we have 3 kids. i have a friend whose boyfriend is home every day although at different times. sometimes he works the late shift from 4pm-1am. she complains to me that she never gets to see him, they never get any family time together. i just want to slap her! i don't really understand how she sees our situations as similar when she can see/speak to him everyday and i can't. i always said i would never marry a man who wasn't home every night because i lived it as a child with my dad being gone and i knew how hard it was for my mom. yet here i am, a single married mother. you all deserve to be recognized as the strong, amazing women that you are. you're all doing an awesome job!!!!

Jessi - posted on 10/09/2010

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Your description is EXACTLY like my husband's schedule! What does your hubby do? Just wondering. I don't have any friends that complain about their husbands not doing something. They always say I don't know how you do it... They're also telling me I need to say something to my hubby about stuff he should be doing when he is. He has actually gotten pretty awesome at contributing when he's home now. It took a HUGE blowout, but it has been A LOT BETTER since.

If the husband is there, nothing is the same as them actually NOT being there! Those women don't know how bad it really is unless they actually have to experience it for at least 2 or 3 days ina row. Those friends that I have that tell me I need to stand up for myself are also both single moms. One that is with the baby's dad, but he works nights 3 nights a week. So they both know what it's like to have to pretty much do it all like us. Just smile at the ingnorant women and find some that are at least single moms, that can somehow relate to you.

Megan - posted on 10/07/2010

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I understand how you feel. I have to deal with my husband being gone for a year every other year and I get aggitated at those who bicker about the petty stuff their husbands do when I cant have him here with me

Teri - posted on 10/06/2010

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My husband is an OTR Truck Driver and is gone 2 weeks, then home 2 days. Sometimes its out 3 weeks, home 3 days. I have always said I'm not strong enough to be a single mom, but for most of the time, I have become just that. I'm very blessed in that besides having a great husband who when he's here, is HERE, I have a sister who's hubby is a pilot and a SIL who's a Navy Wife and they are very understanding.

Melissa - posted on 09/22/2010

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I go long periods of time without even hearing from my husband (weeks). Sometimes when I hear wives complaining I get a little bit upset inside because it seems like such an unfair thing to be fussing about. Then I remember that their feelings are valid and that even though we go through long periods apart, some spouses have it worse! When the last time got to be over 6 weeks without word and I was feeling bad, I heard about a lady who hadn't heard from her husband in something like 5 months! It is definitely not the same to have a husband home every night, or even most nights. Still, I think it's good to try to be understanding, even when things stink!

Laetitia - posted on 09/06/2010

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My little girl and me are doing well, counting the the days till hubby is back 35 days!!! then he is back for 3 week then gone till xmas.. cant wait to see him walking through the arrival gate at the airport!

Moni - posted on 09/06/2010

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I'm sorry for all the ladies who are separated from their husbands for such long periods of time :( I should thank my lucky stars that I know I'll get my hubby home at least 1 week a month :) It is nice to know that other people know how I feel. I do try to step back and realize that it is outside their frame of reference, as Lisa stated, I admit though, I'm not the best at doing that all the time! I have a pretty good support system going now of women who are in the same position as I'm in and we get together when our husbands are out of town at the same time, makes a HUGE difference! Hope all you ladies without husbands right now are doing well!

MICHELLE - posted on 09/03/2010

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I totally agree with all of the above, it is not nice when your husband has to go away, I have three boys under 6 and am without my husband most part of the year. It is very challenging and draining.Somedays I wish there were another alternative.

Laetitia - posted on 09/02/2010

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i have an idea how you feel my husband is in russian and i am in Australia, he is working there for now with a promising job opportunity but we wont know until december if it will be worth it, his been gone since mid july and wont be back till oct. and will leave end oct and back dec, having had the baby i dont want to travel with him, so i stay home, we talk online every night and through out the day when he is working but its not the same, and it bugs me when friends bf are gone 1 night in a blue moon and they cry saying they miss them, when i have to go months without my husband...

counting days 40days untill we see each other again!! i cannot wait.

The plus side with our situation is we dont take our husbands for granted! we enjoy being a wife when they are home, and can live the 'single' life when they are gone, by that i mean we can go see friends etc and not have them worrying at home waiting for us when they are away... but the times they leave those 'see you later, love you goodbyes' are the worst!! and they never get easier!

Jodee - posted on 08/24/2010

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Yes I deal with this. I normally can actually deal with people like that, but my husband is going to be gone for a 11 months starting in oct, and I am having my second child while he is gone. Well My sister inlaw says her boyfriend is going to be gone for 2 weeks, and she does not know if she wants to stay with him because it is, so long for him being gone. I just wanted to hit her, and tell her at least it will be only 2 weeks.

Barbara - posted on 08/24/2010

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Moni I know how you feel. Mine is the same thing. Although I get to talk to him just about every night it's not the same. He does always tell me how wonderful of a mother I am raising our two kids practically alone and dealing with my son who has severe ADHD and with a clingy 14 month old.

Sara - posted on 08/22/2010

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I absolutely agree! In fact I struggle a little with getting angry with my friends whose husbands are home everynight because they cant make time to spend with me in the evenings. Evenings seem to be a selfish time for people. So, I try and spread my one evening a week with someone out to as many people as possible so I dont feel like I am intruding too much.

I do have to say though that my husband is MUCH more help when he is around now because he appreciates more how hard it is when he is gone and how he misses out on all the little things. He is home right now, but I know any day they are going to send him away and then the loneliness will return and I will start stalking my friends in the evening for someone's house to invade so I dont feel quite so alone.

Shawna - posted on 08/17/2010

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I completely agree! My husband is gone for 28 days, then home for 7. This last time he was gone for 3 months and just left his break of 10 days. The other night when my husband was home and my brother was helping him work on a truck, and his wife was calling him every 10 minutes to come home, then the next day she was complaining to me about him coming home late. I just had to look at her and say, "seriously!?!"

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