New to the Group and Feeling Lonely...

Terry - posted on 04/02/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Well, I was invited to join this group a while back and this is my first time checking it out! My husband took a new job in September and he has been traveling off and on ever since. He has been gone weeks at a time! When he took this job, he was told that traveling would be minimal. While I understand that times are so difficult right now and I should be grateful that he has a secure job, it doesn't negate the fact that it hurts when he has to leave us. I have three boys who miss their dad very much. Not only do they have an absent father, they also have a distant, depressed mother who tries her best to put her happy face on, but it's so hard to do sometimes! I know this isn't my husbands fault and he is only trying to provide for our family, but I just feel so abandoned and lonely. I have friends and family for support, but sometimes this just isn't enough. I need a companion, lover and partner to share my life with and to be there for my children. I am just worried that this traveling is never going to stop and that life will slip away from us. As we all know, life passes very quickly. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I am thankful for what I do have, but every once in a while, my loneliness gets the best of me. Thanks for the support!

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Kimberly - posted on 11/24/2013

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You just have to keep calm. We all know its not his fault its works. Please keep calm and hope for. Adjustment

Yasmine - posted on 06/27/2010

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I know what you are taking about,my husband is a flight attendant, and he spends a lot of time travelling , I get up at 5 a.m to feed my baby boy, bathe him get him ready to go to the kindergarten and then I go to work at 8 a.m, go back from work, and pick up my son, go back home to clean and make some food, and play with my son, read him a book and then feed him and do whatever I have to do to make up for the time I haven't spent with him, and then I stay with him till he sleeps, I do the shopping, I go to pay the bills and I take my son to the play ground to enjoy some quality time with him, sometimes I feel that I am alone, and there is no time for me to do what I need to do for myself, but I know that one day my baby boy will look at me a thanks me for being as strong and patient as I am now, It's hard to do it all by yourself, but you have to know that your boys will see you as their mountain, try to smile more often, and let them know that their father is doing what he is doing to provide everything they need, If you are strong to face what you are going through, they will learn from you how to be strong as you, best of luck for you

Samia - posted on 06/27/2010

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hi Terry

i agree completely with Stacy my husband is a cabin crew and he travels a lot we live in Dubai and we have 2 years old son when his daddy travels it is time for me to go out and experience everything together and i teach him how to independent and how we can plan something fo daddy when he comes back we prepare surprises for him and also it is time for me to change myself for example going to the hairdresser,do some shopping,going out with some friends this helps me to be ready for him when he comes back.good luck:)

Stacy - posted on 05/27/2010

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The other mom's have great ideas. I used to feel the same way you do, then I quit waiting at home for my hubby and I started to LIVE. I went to movies (kid ones) without him, we went to the park, we went to museums, planted a garden, etc.

At first it was hard, and I felt guilty for having these 'experiences' without him there to share. But I needed to do things for me, so that I could be the best mom I could be. It was also a great way for me to teach my daughter that she could be strong and independent (we didn't just have to wait for Daddy to be around to do fun stuff.)

Nina - posted on 05/06/2010

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Terry.. Though my life is somewhat easier now.. my kids are grown,.. I had at one time life as pretty much a single MOM with 3 kids under age 5... (a 20 mo spread and then an 18 mo spread) and I had no family nearby.. I tried to jump into activities with the kids where I would meet other Mom's in possibly similar situations.. well i made friends but.. (my husband in early days was a commuter pilot then with larger airline) not in the same situation. Did things like parent /tot gym... encouraged play dates w/ nursery school friends.. and got to know moms.. so could do kid swaps.. to give each other days or hours off. Back then we didn't have Skype.. wish we did.. though now to keep ourselves connected i do thinks like send a cell photo a day.. of myself. and we try to talk on Skype every day while gone.. You could set up a bedtime chat.. read a story online. w/ hubby for kids or for them to discuss daily specials (good and bad) I didn't catch the ages. so some might not be right now.. but to think about. Or like the commercial on TV.. share an Oreo cookie and glass of milk together. My hubby was/is still gone 2-5 days at a time.. home about the same.. so there is never a real schedule.. and was always hard for him to jump into our schedule when he got home due to varying nature of trip times/ time zones/ Make sure after a short time home that you Split.. the kids schedules .. and set a DAY for yourselves... call in some of the mom swaps.. if you can arrange an afternoon together. and remember if the kids are little .. they won't remember you didn't celebrate on THE DAY. We often postponed the last day of Chanuka.. (and still do) until everyone can be home to celebrate together.. and often invite friends to share that day w/us to make it more special. I also made sure to keep a list of the good things as well as those "tough" bad issues to discuss.. and chose the most uplifting to balance the Tough ones so I was never dumping everything in one phone call. those I didn't share.. I kept the list.. so we could go over it when he got home.. so he wasn't Missing anything. good or bad. and was always informed. The key is the communication and setting time for yourselves when he is home.. And for him to set special days w/ each child when he is home.. even if it's not one for each .. keep a rotating calendar of whose turn.. and choose an event /activity of child's interest .. from enjoying an adventure hike/a boat ride/bicycle ride/model airplanes/ to exploring subjects online - get the kids involved in planning before Dad gets home. for their day. Set the guidelines (0-$) before hand.. to keep in check.. and go for it. I hope these suggestions have helped..Not sure what area you are in but if you are in North East.. let me know.. see what connections I can make for you.

Danielle - posted on 04/29/2010

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Hi Terry! Welcome. The other moms are right. It is normal to feel lonely at times, and sad as well. Finding something to occupy your time, and chatting with others who are in the same boat will definitely help out. We all just have to do the best we can, and like the one mom said, find what works for you. Good luck to you!

Jenni - posted on 04/28/2010

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Hi Terry,
Sometimes, writing on the wall post or to someone close to you, to bring out what's inside your mind, it helps. Since I got married with my Swedish hubby, we were always apart due to the nature of our works (telecommunication/banking). We have a teengirl age 15, sometimes when she rebels, it makes me tired and exhausted, but by taking things one step at a time, definitely helps. I was a very selfish person before, to the extend I didn't u/stand his nature of job, need to be at the sites for wks, months, etc. But again, when I often sit down with my mom in law, I started to realized that he wasn't that lucky during his childhood, father left him at an early age, not having sufficient funds to continue his study to a highest level, and he worked so hard to reach the level he is now.. At the end, I mellowed down and supporting the best I could. Starting this year my husband is based in Northern Iraq, and he was reluctant to let his family to join due to safety reason. He even encouraged me to take up a LTA (Long Term Assignment) abroad so our daughter will managed to finish her high school in 2 years w/our interruptions. He sacrificed himself to be apart from his loving family as longs as his family safe and enjoy the life we should be.
Comparing you with 3 kids, and I with only 1 teenager, it wasn't fair to ask you to take things easy. But sometimes, when kids away, what can you do is, take time to pamper yourself to spa, do yoga or even join some moms for a cup of coffee, it will helps. In modern technology now, ichat, email, video conference is always possible, so try to discuss w your hubby to arrange at least 10-15 mins a day to talk to the kids. Involve them when you speak with your travelling husband, it work for me, I am sure it will work for many moms/kids. Now, our daughter didn't complain so much like it was before, and often she chat with her dad via MMS, skype, whenever she could after school. IF he loves you and the kids, he will NOT be slipping away from you, what he needs is, your continous support Terry, and be strong emotionally and mentally. I am very sure, if he sees that, he will be amazed with your energy and spirit. What travelling husband/s don't want is, a whinning wife/ or kids when he gets home. As a mother, we always have to be smart in handling home issue/s, trust me, when you could handle the whole parts, you're not only an amazing mom, but you're definitely a superb woman!
Loneliness, just a part and parcel of being apart. Don't think abt it too much, always relax, good music and reading a great book always help. Terry, good luck and God bless you and your loving family!
jenni

Lisa - posted on 04/06/2010

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Travelling sucks at times! And I think we have all felt lonely.... I also think when you get blindsided, it is even harder. Travelling has gradually snuck up on us, my hubby has alway had to travel for his job, (18 years) however it has really increased in the last 5 years.... Because we have had such a long time to get used to it, we have developed ways to cope. I think everyone develops thier own coping stratagies, and recognize it and give it time.... Make a plan for what you can do when you feel lonely, and be honest with your kids about it.... This was one of the biggest breakthrough for us, when we really started to be honest with ourselves and the kids about what we were thinking and feeling.... Now, it is Ok for me or the kids to say, hey, I'm missing Dad, and we talk about him or give him a call on the phone.... It's OK to vent, we all need that at times.....

Tracy - posted on 04/04/2010

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Hi Terry,

I can absoloutly empathize with you. I have 3 boys too, mine are 9, 13, and 16 and even though there not babies it is hard. Sometimes i think it is harder because they are older and miss heir Dad, also there are things they want to do with him like build stuff and i can't do that with them. They tend to get frustrated and i tend to get sad. My husband has been working away for the last 4 years and i often wonder how much it is going to hurt when we look back and have missed spending this time together while we still had the boys at home.



I remind myself that we are doing the best we can right now. My husband and i have free chat between our phones and chat as often as possible because without conversation we wouldn't have much relationship when he is away. I tell him how i feel and he is very understanding, we both get frustrated that we haven't been able to come up with a job at home that covers the bills. There is not much i know of that can take away the loneliness that can creep in from time to time. I just try and stay busy, focus as much on the good bits as i can and it seems to keep those bad days to a smaller number. When those days do hit i vent on here too :)

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