Overseas traveling is very frustrating

Nikki - posted on 02/21/2009

I too understand what you are going through. My husband has worked overseas.and I know it can be very frustrating for us wives. My husband works as an engineer on ships. He had to go to China for a month a few years ago and that was quite interesting. They had to go into the dry docks for maintenace. The odd hours I had to keep so we could just talk on the phone was crazy, but you do what you have to do to have that time with him while gone. Right now his job has him gone for a month and home for a month. It has become part of my life.We have been through him working 28 days and home for 14 to him working 3-6 months and only home for a couple of weeks. I have always said I am a married single mom...that's my life. You learn to adjust, you have too. It is a true test on a marriage living this lifestyle when your husband is gone for work. We have been married for almost 14 yrs, we have 3 kids and it is not easy by any means on either of us. We do what we have to do to live the way we want to raise our kids. My best advice to you and anyone is communication. Whether it be phone, email, txting.... it is key to making it work. You have to learn to be independant. In the begining of our marriage I was very clingy and it was terribly hard on me, him being gone(he was in the Navy). I had 3 kids under 5 y/o and I had to babysit 2 more children under 5 y/o to help make ends meet. I have to say that was the hardest time in our marriage. Sure there are many times I was standing there watching one of my kids at their softball game wishing he was there or my son win a dance contest when he was 4, wishing he was there, missed birthdays, valentines,countless anniversary missed....You dig deep and you pull through.But the times he is home are so much more special, you learn to appreciate the simple things many married couples do not... You also have to have that time to yourself when you can get it, when he is home and available. He too has to see your side of things.It is VERY important that the 2 of you have time together. Even if it's after the kids go to bed and you relax in the living room with a glass of wine and just reconnect. Good luck to you!!

Heather - posted on 02/20/2009

I am new here, and it's great to read that I'm not alone. My husband and I have three kids,16, 11, 9, and my husband has traveled for about 10 years now. It's been a roller-coaster, and we've just learned a lot through the experiences we've had.  He travels overseas about half the month. It may be a week, 10 days, two weeks, then he's back for 1 to 3 weeks. The schedule is NEVER the same, and I have learned not to ever expect him to be around for school plays, concerts or other special events.

He travels throughout Europe, Asia, Russia now, and all the cultures are different. Our marriage has definitely evolved - I have had to become very independent, and really just not'count' on him for anything. He has the kind of personality that enjoys solitude, and I actually think our marriage 'works' because of his travel, now. When he leaves, the kids, the house is kind of somber, then life goes on.  I am the chief disciplinarian, and oversee everything, and luckily I am able to stay at home, even though my kids are now all in school. I dream of going back to at least a part-time position (I'm a chemist), as I feel a little vulnerable about my own finances. But, he's gone half of our weekends, and I'm able to be here through school holidays, snow days/delays, and illnesses, and keep most things running smoothly.

I have gone through all the emotional stuff:  the constant worry about his well-being, jealousy over his job vs. mine -  his luxurious wining and dining, and even wondering whether he'll make it back to a hotel room since I know there are times he's NOT sober. I've gotten frustrated that it seems like he works so many more days out of the year since he's gone over the weekends, too. Of course, too, it always seems like everything 'bad' happens when he's gone (accidents, illnesses, power outages) - the Murphy's Law effect. But now, I mostly have learned to work with it, and really don't want to know all the details of his traveling life. Our hardest times are upon his return - when he is used to being with adults and in a quiet hotel room, and he comes home to screaming loud kids/friends, and heavy metal playing in our son's bedroom. It's a hard adjustment for him, he's nearing 50.  He, of course, returns to his routine, but it's messy. He invades my kitchen, and it feels weird. He interjects himself into discipline issues that I think have already been handled. It's not a stable life or constant continuing routine for me or for my kids, and we all just adjust. If nothing else, my kids have had to learn to adjust.  

My biggest problem is that my youngest son, 9, terribly misses his dad since he's very close to him. My other two really learned early on who to depend on. Andrew's teachers at school 'know' when his dad's away, due to his mood. I feel like he lives just waiting for Dad to return home. Also, he's got the Blackberry now, a more recent complication. Just in the past year, the laptop and the Blackberry have become a terribly addictive habit. It has really changed him - his e-mails are dinging in all though the night and early morning. I have noticed that he stays on kind of a European sleep schedule - up at 3 or 4 AM and back to bed at 7 or 8 PM, just to save himself from jet lag. Must be easier on him - but definitely not on us - since, then , again, I'm doing the entire routine from 5:30 AM to 9:30 at night, without him even when he's in the US. He also works long hours at the office, often, upon return to catch up there.

I'm just saying, go with the flow since it makes your lives easier. Thanks for listening to MY ramblings now...

Stephanie - posted on 02/15/2009

I hear you!  My hubby travels for about 2-3 weeks at  time, then home for 3-5 weeks.  He spends his time in Asia - talk about a time difference!  There is hardly any waking hours for me that he isn't sleeping, and vice versa.  

We have a 2 1/2 year old girl, and I am a stay at home mommy.  I relate to your comments about the blackberry - I could throw it out the window!  Plus, he gets emails all night long when he's home because those contacts in Asia are awake and at the office zinging him emails all night long.  My hubby doesn't bring his blackberry upstairs at night, but he is constantly on that thing during the days he's home.  When my hubby is home, he is at the office M-F, so we only see him evenings and weekends.  

The thing that is getting to me is the fact that I have set up routines and rules/expectations for behavior, etc.  I tell him about how time outs work and whatever, and it's as if he can't discipline our daughter - he says "I am not home very much and I hate to see her upset."  We finally have the big girl bed routine down and when he's home he will sit by her bed, rub her back, etc. and I could just shake him!  Then, when he's not home, I have to spend an extra 30 minutes doing that because Daddy did it.  Seems like a small detail to many, but the routine I put into place really works for us when he's not home!  

I think the overseas traveling is hard on our husbands because there is no sense of "home" or normalcy.  Maybe that's why your husband enjoys time with friends - the 3 hour dinners, etc.  Believe me, I'd love to go out for a 3 hour dinner with my friends!  :)  I just say that because my husband tells me it's hard to be in a hotel room night after night - talking to family over Skype, etc.  He says that he knows my days are fairly "normal" - as they would be if he were at the office.  For him, that's what he misses.  But when he's home, he doesn't necessarily "value" that time and shut down the blackberry or computer either.  Hmmm... kind of confusing to me.  The only thing I can come up with is that work becomes his focus, his "life" while he's out of town.  It's becoming his habit.  Hard to quit a habit...

We're still relatively new at the overseas traveling, so I don't have any strategies or things to try... I come to this site to learn from those who have done this longer than I have.  

I wish you luck - talk to him.  Remind him of the reasons why he is working so hard - his children and you.  

Kynder - posted on 02/15/2009

i can relate my husband is in the navy and is out to sea for the next 5 months. i am also a stay at home mom. at times it can be overwhelming but you have to remember why you are making sacrafices. our husbands are both consumed with their jobs so they can provide for us (its nice to stay at home with the kids). next time your mans in town get a babysitter and have a romantic weekend together. this will give you time to reconnect and tell him whatever is on your mind. spending most of his time on the computer is not intentional hes just trying to unwind, thats not an exscuse. be honest tell him to set aside more time for the kids. dad can set aside a night to take the kids to dinner and a movie while u take a night to yourself. theese things have worked for me. maybe some of this will help.