Am I bad for my husband?

Sandy - posted on 01/24/2011

Mental illness is one of the most mis-understood and misdiagnosed things in some cases.

While it's not ethically proper to tell someone to make specific choices it could have happened, but if it's a long term Dr. with a good history and recommendations chances are they didn't say "Divorce your wife". I'm not saying that it can't happen, it's just not likely.

I wouldn't necessarily go the opposite way either with saying your husband is lying. If you or your husband are suffering from depression, anxiety, etc then he may have spoken to a counselor or Dr. and may have understood them to mean what he told you. Perception can be hard sometimes, especially if your mind isn't functioning as "normal" which is true in the case of depression and mental illness.

On the other hand, maybe your husband didn't care for the advice he was given but wants a good reason and one he thinks would be good in your eyes to not see the people who give him "hard/honest" answers or ones he doesn't want to hear.

You are not alone, there are millions of people that suffer from depression, anxiety, and other mental illness. They have sites for resources out there and if you are in the US then try www.nami.org. They can help you find local resources: counselors, groups, individuals, support groups, etc.

I suffer from Bi-Polar II disorder and was diagnosed 4 years before my husband and I were married. We had been together for quite some time and he always felt my mood swings were his fault and took a lot of blame on himself when it had nothing to do with him.

You can't control how someone else feels, you can't make someone else depressed. You can act in a way that makes them react with depression, anxiety, etc. But you cannot MAKE them depressed. Situations can depress someone, people can have a negative influence, but you can't force someone to feel or react. They are the only ones who have control over that.

I would suggest that you contact NAMI and find local resources. Suggest a new counselor/Dr. Suggest group or couples counseling, whatever will work for you. Most counselors want to see a spouse/significant other during long term counseling anyway.

My husband has stayed with me through thick and thin and has honestly saved my life (I was severely suicidal when we met) and he has seen me at my worst and at my best. I can't imagine if we had broken up during my treatment.

You are part of your husbands support group, so definitely support him (sometimes even if he won't allow it). However, don't wear yourself down so much trying to help him that you don't put yourself first also. Protect your own mental health and consider a counselor or third party to discuss your own concerns with.

Also don't let the information overload of the internet fry your brain! If you see a counselor ask for specific help with your situation. There are many types of mental illness and even many type of depression. Find out what the diagnosis is and ask for pamphlets or recommendations for books on it or authors. Find out what treatment they suggest and why.

If it's not a situational or seasonal depression it could be a chemical imbalance (as stated above) and you may have to have medication to help, no differently than a diabetic may need insulin.

As far as needing praise, my husband also needs that more than a "typical" person. He wants a thank you or a good job for things like vacuuming. I have learned that I shouldn't resent it, although it is easier said than done somedays. I also find that "praising" in non-traditional ways works wonders more than "Good job honey" all the time. Sometimes just thanking him, giving him extra love. Writing him a note and popping it in his wallet to find later when he doesn't expect it, etc.

We each have our individual problems as well, but I am the one diagnosed. We work hard to be the best person we can for ourselves and for each other and try to remember that we aren't perfect.

This is a lifelong journey, patience and communication is the key. My husband and I have been doing this for almost 13 years total now and we still have good and bad days. The bad days are fewer and farther in between tho.

Best of luck and feel free to message me anytime if you want to vent or talk!

Katherine - posted on 01/24/2011

i do believe your right. didnt think about it in that perspective. smart woman.

Katherine - posted on 01/24/2011

My husband I turn to only christian councelors for guidence when we hit a bumpy road and it works wonders

Katherine - posted on 01/24/2011

its only the two of you that knows what goes on behind your doors. i actually had a similar situation. wont go personal but it was me who left because of my depression due to my fathers passing and other things piling up so quickly. I can honestly tell you that was the stupidest thing I ever did. Do Not Leave Him. He needs you right now wether you are a silent help or vocal help he needs you. He can tell you how you can best help him through this. Communicate. My husband, was trying to help me through my grief, more like me not excepting my fathers death. I took it all the wrong way ang thought he was pushing me to get over it. We of course have moved on from that and make sure we both communicate even more. hope this helps

Keira - posted on 01/24/2011

I agree with Svetlana - something does not add up. As a Psych degree-holder I can tell you, counselors are not told to make decisions for people, but offer suggestions as to how they can create their own paths and find their own decisions. Counselors/Therapists/Psychologists/Psychiatrists are there to provide you with tools not answers.

My thought may be hard to hear, but have you considered that your husband could be trying to tell you that he is worried that YOU may be the one who is depressed? You say he suffered from mental illness before you were married, chances are he can recognize the signs that perhaps even you would not see. My recommendation would be to go to a therapist together, at least for one session, and figure out what is really up. There is no shame in seeking assistance - even the most "together" people in the world have moments where they just need someone to talk to.

Brooke - posted on 01/17/2011

Thankyou all for your help. Allie, when I read your post, I started crying, it's so good to know that I'm not the only one! Things are definitely getting better now, a lot of that is since he quit his high-stress job (Youth worker) and got another job with less trouble and drama. So I think that was a big part of it. I will definitely try encouragement and praise more. I also find it frustrating that I have to praise an adult for what they know they are supposed to do, but I'm used to that by now. Every time he does ANY sort of housework, for example, I have to tell him at least 3 times about what a good job it was, and how much it helps me.
Also, I must admit I did wonder if he could be lying, but didn't dare allow myself to think that too much, as I was scared of what that could mean. Thankyou, ladies, for providing some possible reasoning for that, which actually makes sense!
It is still difficult at times, and I guess it will be for a long time yet, but we are working through it day by day.
Also, I cracked a tantie one weekend, and yelled at him that he was always complaining how he is always so miserable and bored, but whenever we ask him to go somewhere, he always says no. Probably not the best way to go about it, but it did result in him agreeing that I could 'force' him to do fun things. As a result, we have actually been camping, out with friends, to the local historic town, and other places where we have all had a lot of fun. At the end of a couple of these outing, he turned to me and said "Thankyou for making me do this."
My biggest problem now is judging when to push like that, and when to just leave him be. But I'm learning, slowly.

Allie - posted on 01/11/2011

You're not alone!!!!!!!!!!!
My husband was also told by a mental health professional that all of his problems were my fault. The worse part is the psychologist is a FAMILY FRIEND and has known me for FIVE years!!!!!!! I should've seen it coming though because when we found out I was pregnant she and her son told my husband to get a paternity test..... (needless to say we are no longer friends because thats not how you treat (talk about) someone you 'care about').

Regardless, my husband stood up for me.

I know that one of my flaws is that I can be overly controlling. My husband and I have our individual issues, but I'm constantly working on mine and he's constantly working on his because we love each other and neither of us want to be without the other.
As for the depression aspect, there are many researchers out there that believe that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and if this is true, then there is absolutely no way that you're the ULTIMATE cause of his depression.

From my own experience (I studied some psychology in College so I am by no means an expert) there are multiple layers as to why someone is or might be depressed. So although you (like myself) may not exactly HELP the depression, we're not the cause. There is an underlying reason; financial stress, work issues, legal trouble, health issues, repressed childhood feelings/memories... you name it and it can "Cause" depression, sleep issues. (not that any of those are his cause they're just examples)

What I have found to be helpful to my husband (he has told me this helps) is to just back off... not worry so much about him. When I worry about him I tend to be overly aggressive asking him 'whats wrong' 'what can I do to help' a million times.. but he is seeking other professional help and I just leave it to him. Ask him other questions not concerning that aspect. He know that I love him and care about him unconditionally and that I would do anything for him. And I know that if he needs me to do something for him he'll ask. Its hard for me to "avoid" (for lack of a better word) the topic or the situation so I just have to remind myself that it will get better (and I truly believe it will). I also try to remember to praise my husband (which unfortunately doesn't come that easy for me to praise adults for doing what I think they "should be doing".).


Anyway sorry to ramble and I really hope this helps. And remember there is no overnight cure for depression (if any cure at all) and it'll will take a ton of work from both you and your husband. Good luck! and if you ever need an unbiased opinion feel free to message me anytime.

Stifler's - posted on 01/09/2011

I can't believe they are placing blame on one person for the other's depression. He has depression, it's not your fault! If there's a problem in your marriage you guys should see a marriage counsellor.

Sarah - posted on 12/29/2010

Go see a Christian counselor together, one who doesn't advocate divorce. Yes there are those out there that do sadly. Ask that person if they would like to talk to the 2 of you at different times because there could very well be separate issues but leaving won't solve them. Issues that require separate work don't mean that quick fix should be a divorce. Often the "quick" fix is never right for either party. It sounds like you love him a great deal and THAT is definitely worth fighting for. Luckily it sounds like your hubby is fighting on your side of that issue too. Or should I say the 2 of you's side of it. ;)

Alexis - posted on 12/20/2010

Maybe you can both go and see a psychologist together...Have you been seen or diagnosed with depression? Im not saying you have it but if he went maybe you should go and get a professional opinion and then both go together to get to the bottom of this.

Jessica - posted on 12/09/2010

I would suggest speaking to someone. Here is a link where you can get professional help. If you post this question to them you will def get proper answers from people how know what they are talking about (not that any of these people dont - just saying these are people who have been trained for these situations) http://www.risingchild.com/group/viewgro...
Good luck and I truely hope that you and your husband can sort through it and have a positive result.

Carol - posted on 12/08/2010

hi brooke its not your fault as you said in your letter hes had depression before so keep you head up high and lookafter each other people or jelouse of what you have a good stronge relationship my husband had depression for over a year and i felt it was my fault it wasnt but i also had depression at the same time so it was hard crying and feeling let down alot try and meet new people both of you say to each other another day we will get through this try and not take antidepresant tablets they can make you worse change your diets or go on holidays were you never been before theyre is also groups try and find help the best one is together and see the light at the end of the tunnel good luck to both of you

Wendy - posted on 11/30/2010

One more thing (I'm sorry to be so long-winded but topics like this matter to me so deeply). Men communicate best through sex. They are most comfortable communicating with us when they feel safe, confident and masculine (i.e. during the sex act). I don't know if this is anything you would consider but try a bit of "role playing" in the bedroom. Nothing too cheesy - just ask him to "punish" you for whatever he thinks is causing his depression. You're basically calling him on what he said but do it in a playful way. He doesn't have to know you are playing "shrink" and looking for deeper insight. I think you'll find one of two things. 1.) He will go along with it and during sex things will come out like "who's the boss now" and "you're gonna do exactly as I ask tonight"... At that point you will know that he feels a lack of control and confidence and as a result he feels like less of a man around you. If that is the case, it means that what you are hearing as "he doesn't want me anymore" is really "he doesn't feel worthy of having me because he can't discipline himself enough to move past his underlying issues". 2.) He won't know what to say to "punish" you and he will say corny things that you KNOW aren't him because YOU aren't the root of his problem". (Men will NEVER be passive aggressive during sex, so the TRUTH will come out as it is safely under the guise of role playing.) In that outcome, it means the issue is not with you at all BUT he can't figure out where it is coming from. Either way, it's gonna take work for both of you. K - I'll shut my mouth now.

Wendy - posted on 11/30/2010

To me this sounds like your husband may be passive aggressively handling his unhappiness with his life in general. When men are passive aggressive it usually means they don't know what decision to make about something (in this case maybe he can't determine what is causing his depression and he could be scapegoating you). It means they are broken and need us to lift them up. If you aren't clinically depressed yourself, and if you do everything to make your husband comfortable, loved and cared for in every way then logically he knows it isn't you. BUT in saying something so harsh he is (believe it or not) most likely ASKING YOU for your opinion and help. Guys have such a hard time asking their women for help because they think we will see them as weak. He apparently has been depressed most of his life and now that he has you - he really needs you to take the reigns on getting him better. I doubt the counselor said anything about you or a divorce, but that is your husband's way of probing you for insight. Not a graceful way to say the least, but you have to understand how debilitating depression can be for someone who has it all of their life - a man will feel like he is less of one because he can't control it. Don't get offended by anything that comes out in the process, but don't kid yourself in thinking it will be solved any time soon. Just step up your game and go out of your way to show him how much he means to you. When he notices, THEN start asking him gory details about what is REALLY in his head. You may need to be his mom, wife, best buddy and maybe even his "father" all at the same time. Assure him you won't be shocked, hurt or disgusted (even if you are, but keep in mind this is about getting him past these things) by any of it. He is depending on you as his wife to help him - even though he may never directly ask or understand how much he needs your help! You married him for many reasons - so remember that he is worth it. His depression will lift when he feels you completely KNOW him - even all of weakness and darkness inside of him. You may already know this but men live more in the moment and until that moment comes when he bares all to you, he may construct a shell or "image" of himself that he thinks you would rather have him be. In that shell he will start to fall apart and become passive aggressive - which is a place NO MAN can live in. It's just not natural for them on any level. I hope this helps.

Tah - posted on 11/25/2010

UMMM...they did not tell him that. He said that and he probably just doesn't want to see them again in the chance that you would want to go and find out he is lying. They don't tell people things of that manner. They have never met you and wouldn't jump to that conclusion. They also don't tell people things like get a divorce, they listen and help people to explore their own feelings and they ask a lot of questions to get a better view. He is not telling you the truth i can guarantee it.

Samantha - posted on 11/18/2010

Try a group session. Talk to someone together. Their is always away to work things like this out. If you truly are the probably.. their would be a reason something you do or did, which could be fixed. When your married and you too are in love you can always fix problems in the relationship, you just have to talk and figure out what they are. Never give up though.

Tabitha - posted on 11/17/2010

Like the others have said, I'd choose couples counseling. A pastor (if you're in church) would be ideal because he knows you, but a family counselor would be able to determine if some course of action needs to take place. I needed anti depressants after both of my kids' birth. I am not ashamed of that. If you or he need them, don't feel like it's a bad thing. I prefer the name happy pills anyway. :) I hope and pray things work out. The hubby's mom knows him better than those docs, so disregard their judgmental, ignorant opinion!

Kimberly - posted on 11/10/2010

I would say that there is something very strange going on. No doctor would make a diagnosis on someone they have never met. Additionally, I have been through counseling and i know for a fact that they do not make judgment calls or tell you what to do. Someone is lying ;( If he rewally is depressed, you should be supportive of him, unless it is taxing your physical/emotional well being or that of your children. It couldn'thurt for you to see someone either. (Not saying you are depressed, just that sometimes talking to a professional can tech you how to manage your own feelings)

Zarah - posted on 11/09/2010

Your situation is unique and I admit it is quite hard to comment on this. But maybe you can go to the doctor with him and both of you can seek help. Maybe he is just ashamed to admit his true conditions to you but if the two of you will go see a doctor, he may feel less insecure. It may also help to tell him that you love him no matter what the result of your test. If it is you who is making him sane, then why would you leave him? Goodluck and my prayers are with you.

Gina - posted on 10/28/2010

Go with him to see a doctor. I would go to a christian counseler. God Bless you both!

Erin-joy - posted on 10/24/2010

If your hubby stood up for you, then he really loves your and never feel like your not the queen in his life. If everyone thinks your depressed or making him depressed then go see a counselor and ask them if your nuts.....im guessing your not. i sent my husband to anger management and he seen a lady....she made him worse....he would just tell me off , ok what the hec, but he would tell her that it was him not me. your perfect for your hubby and just work thru it, so ladylike that ppl wont believe its you. ooh and my hubbys fam hates me....told me i could be replaced and that he doesnt smile or laugh anymore and all this crap. if he didnt love you, he wouldnt stand with you. Good luck girly, thoughts and prayers are with you....

Diane - posted on 10/23/2010

Have you thought about getting counselling from your pastor? If you go together and talk with someone like that you might get better advice, especially if he knows your husbands history. It may be better also if you go with him in the future so they can see it's not you, maybe they're not understanding what he is saying to them? Good luck.

Svetlana - posted on 10/23/2010

That sounds really weird, he sounds like he's lying. How can two diff people tell him to leave you. Is he the one wanting to leave? And does not want to hurt you, yeah I would go to those "doctors" with him and see if they actually told him that or if he said that himself. What he said is just odd, does not really add up to me.

Maria - posted on 10/22/2010

My husband has severe depression (he selfharms and tries to take his life) Leaving him is not the answer but support, the truth is people don't just get depression and mental illness it has always been there it just goes into a knd of remission, then flares up and it can be for the stupidest things. Both his doctor and psych are in the worng to say what they did, especially if they don't know you or have not met you, they obviously have not taken notice or heard the whole story, they should have been told you husband had mental issues before he met you. The only point they might have is depressed feelings can catch, not like a virus does but if for some reason 1 of you or a family member is feeling depressed then the other person can feel depressed because you don't want to see that person you love hurting or ill and I don't know about you, but when the person you love who has depression cna't pull themself out and you can't pull them out of it then you feel depressed because you can't help them or make it better and feel helpless (I know I do). You are not pulling him down and don't let anyone tell you that. If however you are feling depressed as well then it might be a good iea to get some medical help as well, and you both need to support each other that is all you can do, liten when he wants to talk and leave him to it when he don't. This situation can't be solved but you can find a little relief. You need to get some suport as well, try finding out where your local Mind and/or Rethink office is they both have a website and are on facebook. I hope this helps.

Daria - posted on 10/21/2010

go see someone else....together!

Kayla - posted on 10/21/2010

I wonder what these doctors/psychiatrists qualifications are? Professionally speaking, psychologists/psychiatrists, etc never come out and say you should divorce your wife. They discuss issues that are bothering you and may suggest some things you can try at home such as exercising or taking more time to relax, or how to talk to your spouse, but never to come out and say you should get a divorce! That is usually left up to the patient. I did experience a similar situation when I was a teenager. My dad was going through marriage counseling with my step-mother and they brought me in. As soon as I stepped foot in the door she started shouting at me that I was a liar. That haunted me for the longest time, and I had no idea why she would think that. I later found out that she was a church counselor and didn't have proper qualifications. Even going through therapy myself, it took me a long time to find somebody that I felt comfortable with. Surprisingly it was just an intern. I found many psychologists just ask how you feel in response to a situation you explain which can be so frustrating. This girl actually gave me some feedback, but it was just some things I could try to help as far as communication or to deal with my own problems. She wasn't telling me I should make a major life decision. One thing about depression too is that some people have clinical depression and that's a chemical imbalance in the brain. It has nothing to do with you. Also, in every relationship, partners will do things that the other one doesn't like or may make them feel bad at times. But it doesn't mean that if they are depressed that you caused it. I struggle with depression, and my husband does things all the time that tick me off or make me feel bad, but it doesn't mean my depression is caused by him. It's just personal issues I haven't dealt with properly. All you can really do is support him the best you can. Let him know that you're there to talk if he needs to get something off his chest, and your full of hugs when he's down. One thing he might be able to do is keep a journal of when he is feeling down, because maybe it's a particular time of day, or food he's eating, or just waking up that may be causing it. I know for me, when I am tired, I have a harder time dealing with my emotions. I know this was long and I hope it helps =) Keep your head up, and just keep trying to find a therapist you like and disregard the comments from the ones you don't like. They don't know what they're talking about.

Brenna - posted on 10/21/2010

I think one of the problems with counseling and the like is that there is so much of a belief in victims. Your problems aren't really yours, it's someone else causing your problems. There may be a case of this victim mentality going on in this situation. When I have needed help for depression, nobody really helped me deal with it. The people I saw, every one of them, told me I had no responsibility to deal with my depression, unless that responsibility meant divorcing or excommunicating the people 'causing' my depression. And no one would listen when I told them I'm a stay-at-home mom because I love being there for my kids and raising them. No, even though it was a desire I've had for over 10 years after thinking hard about what I wanted to do with my life, I could only possibly choose to be a stay-at-home mom because my husband and/or my parents have abused me - even though my big frustration and big depression trigger for a long time was that my husband wasn't happy with my staying home, even though we could afford it!

I don't have a lot of respect for counselor type services anymore because of my experiences, and the guy who immediately recommended divorce without even taking steps to make sure your husband's story wasn't colored by his depression is a douche. You wouldn't have wanted couples counseling with him anyway, because the sessions would probably be tilted against you, since he decided to judge so instantly.

Don't leave your man because some doctor is a douche. And I agree that the next guy your man goes to see needs to be a couples thing.

Kelly - posted on 10/21/2010

Definitely seek counseling together. It sounds like there are family issues not just one sided issues. Any professional that would make such a judgment without so much as speaking with the two of you together is no professional. Is it possible that he is experiencing referred depression? Sure, that does happen, but then again, you both need to seek counseling to deal with the problem properly. I honestly did have a counselor tell me that he would not fault me for making the choice to get a divorce (from my first husband, not the one now) but that was only after almost a year of counseling and meeting both of us throughout those sessions. I wish you the best of luck. These situations are not easy to deal with but with open communication and hard work you can get through it no matter what the outcome!

Melissa - posted on 10/21/2010

You and your husband need to determine that together. If you feel that you need input, you should seek a marriage counselor. If you and your husband would like a book to read together, I would suggest you read His Needs Her Needs written by William Harley. These people that said it was you and had never met or talked with you do not know what they are talking about. Just because they have a degree in something doesn't make them know-it-alls. My husband and I are reading the book I mentioned earlier and it is wonderful! This man looks at both perspectives and is a very successful marriage counselor. If your husband says that it isn't you, then you need to take him at face value. I hope that this helps. Your husband married you because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. Don't throw that way. Fight for him and fight for your marriage. It's worth it! :-) I hope that I've helped and encouraged you. I will pray for you and your family.

Joanne - posted on 10/21/2010

I think like everyone else and that what you really need to do is both make an appointment together to see the doctor-that way no one can mislead the other as to what is said. I have a hard time beleiving any docotr would recommend divorce or leaving (unless someone is being abused), I think they would highly recommend prescriptions if either of you is the one suffering. As said before I'm not sure if you are a christian but the power of prayer is miraclulous and your own church pastor may help you out with some counselling and help get to the bottom of things. sometimes someone who knows both parties but can be objective is the best solution to problems. I pray that things work out for the two of you.

JACKIE - posted on 10/19/2010

I agree that you should see a new dr. together. What he is telling you his doctors said doesn't add up. It may be that both of you need counseling. The book Katie recommended is definitely a good resource.

Katie - posted on 10/19/2010

Find a new doctor and go to counseling by yourself if you have to. I don't know if you are a Christian but The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian is a great resource.

Aisha - posted on 10/19/2010

it sounds too much B.S and dont listen to those stupid idiots because they dont know what is to have wonderful husband.. dont listen to you and your mother in law is right and hold on to her words not their words..

Idella - posted on 10/18/2010

stay by your husband side no matter what. he has mental health issues and you love him. deal with them as they come but never leave him to his own devices. if he killed himself because youn left you'll be the next one treated for depression. And i think all psychiatrist are full of doody and just want ur money. that is fr4om my own experience.

Elizabeth - posted on 10/17/2010

I would get a double appointment and both of you see the doctor together and then let them decide who needs treatment and the bestway, it could be that both of you are suffering a little???I would not suggest leaving your husband if you both think things are working and that should not be down to anyone to tell you to split up, that was wrong of the health proffession to say so, unless violence is involved.

Julia - posted on 10/16/2010

It sounds a little fishy to me. Couples counseling might be the best option for you two, that way you can get both of your thoughts out there and you can know the truth in the matter. I highly highly doubt a counselor could recommend (or would) divorce as a solution to a mental health problem. Probably therapy, but not divorce. I think that your husband and you may need to talk through some issues and find out what's going on at the core of this thing. It sounds like theres some hidden resentment. If you were the one who was depressed, I would recommend getting yourself treated and then reassessing the situation.

This seems a little off, in my opinion.

Kim - posted on 10/15/2010

Dont leave him support him and if u think u have depression to seek help for your self. Being depressed or sufforing from depression is not shameful

Rozayda - posted on 10/15/2010

I agree,,,you should go to the doctor with him.

Lynn - posted on 10/15/2010

Do you and he argue a lot? Do you ever take your anger out on him when you dont mean to?

Heather - posted on 10/15/2010

Well, I'm not saying your husband is lying, but I have taken many Psychology classes and also deal with mental illnesses in my family and I don't believe for one minute that a doctor would tell someone to get a divorce the first time he talked to them. Is it possible that he is trying to look good in your eyes by letting you think that he is sticking up for you and telling you your wonderful or something like that. I would suggest going to the dr. with him.

Jane - posted on 10/15/2010

sounds like b.s. maybe he just stumpled on two duds. why don't you guys talk to someone together?