Curious if any ladies are in a "Taken in Hand" relationship.

Wendy - posted on 12/07/2010 ( 114 moms have responded )

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I'm wondering if there are any other ladies on this site who are happily and proudly in a Taken in Hand marriage? (If you are unsure what the term means, please read up on it first or be respectful when you ask questions. There are many misconceptions and people can sometimes be nasty towards those of us who honor our husbands and ourselves in this way.) Otherwise, if you are in this sort of relationship, I would love to read about your happiness and fulfillment. I am truly the luckiest women in the world to have married the man of my dreams and it is through our relationship that I have grown as a person and felt more happiness than I ever thought possible! :) How about you?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Mae - posted on 12/14/2012

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This is the relationship my parents have and it works for them as they have been happily married for over 30 years. The women in these relationships aren't push overs at least my mom certainly wasn't. However my Dad raised me to be a feminist. He watched his father abuse his mother and was determined that it would not be me because he realized that not every man out there is a kind and caring leader. My hubby and I act as equals even though he is the one that works I usually have the final say on what the money is spent on because I run the house and know what the needs are. For example I'm home with our daughter all day I dress her so I know better than he does when she has outgrown clothes and when we need to get her new ones or I do most of the cooking so I know what items need to be put on the grocery list. I also do most of the shopping so I know what the approximate costs of the things we need are so I do the budget. To many of our friends I "wear the pants" in our family but it is that I have the knowledge needed to make a lot of these choices and my husband by virtue of working all day doesn't. We communicate constantly about what our needs and wants are and make those choices together. There is no women's work or men's work in our house there is just work.
Those of you that have found good men that respect you and care for you and are in a TIH relationship good for you! Those of you that are single and thinking of this you need to be super careful because not all men are good and honorable men.

Sylvia - posted on 09/30/2012

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I am in a Taken In Hand relationship like they talk about on the www.takeninhand.com site, and it seem like there's some misunderstandings here that I'd like to comment on.



One of the things I really liked about the site was how they stressed that they in no way think everyone should be this way, and the creator/owner of the site said as how he made the site this way simply because that's his preference, not to denigrate any other preferences.



Another thing that made me keep reading was how they weren't trying to push any religious or political agenda, and there are people of many different beliefs on the site.



Thirdly, they stress that it is only a Taken In Hand relationship if it is wholeheartedly wanted by both the man AND the woman, and they are very much against pushing it on anyone and call it abuse if the woman is given no choice.



Another thing I like is that they don't push a "women should submit" message. It's more about down-to-earth relationships not trying to achieve a standard that's not humanly possible unless you have a service fetish. To my mind it's more like strong, competent woman meets hot, take-charge man, who takes her in hand in the nicest possible way. In my marriage we don't have any spanking or discipline and the owner of the site even said he's not into that whole discipline thing, so it's not just me!



I like the fact that the site is for those who prefer strictly monogamous relationships rather than being for people who like to swing or share.



Most of all, I love the site's emphasis on how the husband in a takeninhand relationship PUTS HIS WIFE AND THE RELATIONSHIP FIRST. To me, that's hard evidence that this is nothing to do with abuse.



I was married once before, and my first marriage was a disaster, because my husband wanted me to take charge and be the man of the house if you get what I mean (that came out wrong!). After he cheated on me, we divorced and I thought I'd never get married again... until I met my current husband who is a take-charge guy with good character. He found the site (www.takeninhand.com) and the rest is history. I am so very happy. My husband says it's the same for him. He too had a disastrous first marriage and almost gave up hope of finding a match. Trust me, my husband is no abuser. He is on the bossy side but that's what I like! It is very relaxing for me. We have a blast together!



Best of all, both of us as individuals have grown as individuals and in our respective work. When my husband tells me how much being married to me has helped him in seemingly unrelated ways, I feel so happy. He in turn has encouraged me in my own dreams and ambitions more than I ever thought anyone ever would.



Not for everyone, I agree! But it works for us. If it's not for you, it would be as much of a mistake for you to try Taken In Hand as it was for me to try a so-called equal relationship. It's an individual choice.



Just my 2 cents.

Serena - posted on 06/15/2013

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I am in a domestic discipline or similiar to a TIH relationship I love it point blank. lol it is the closet fufilling place I have ever been in I am lucky though my man was hesitant at first and didnt jump at the idea. But hes comfy with it now. There are lots of men that like to use it as an excuse to abuse woman

Sarah - posted on 12/29/2010

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Ummm...so I did read some about this type of relationship and well...to use your own terms I don't believe we are different enough (my hubby & I) to be one over the other. Allowing my husband to "discipline" me makes it sound like he is my superior. Let me be plain about this. He is my partner, yin to my yang in sooo many ways that our relationship is definitely God given. But he is my equal, Period.
Don't get me wrong. I've had ummm "fantasies" and he indulges me (giggle) quite well. But I guess being raised by a feminist I'd just be liable to laugh at his "hand" if he tried to "take me" "in it". The final "say" is usually an us decision. But compromise tends to leave more of both of "us" "intact" making the result more harmonious.
Plus I've had toooo many friends and family in straight-up abusive relationships. It sounds like a very tempting lifestyle for a male abuser and a slippery slope for females who've escaped abusive relationships. If you 2 can walk that, what sounds like a thin line, then good for you. Honestly! Just be vigilant okay. :)
But like I said, I'm not in that kind of relationship so there are certain to be aspects I don't understand. Plus in this day and age you can't bash a lifestyle that advocates monogamy.
Good for you for broadening others horizons! God bless you both!

Samantha - posted on 12/23/2012

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Hi Lynn,

I appreciate your curiosity. This is a hard lifestyle to defend because so many want to equate it to abuse, D/s relationships or BDSM.

We function very much like other couples. Our closest friends have no idea. It is very private. If you asked anyone to describe my husband they would tell you he is a smart, sexy, friendly guy with a sharp sense of humor. He is never overbearing or controlling with me and I am not openly submissive to him. We have our standards on how we expect each other to behave. If we are out in public and I do something he feels is not honoring my promises all he has to look at me in a certain way and I know exactly what he's thinking. Our commitments to each other are very akin to vows, we just choose to live them everyday.

Occasionally, (probably once or twice a month) things will get sideways in the relationship. I'll get off track in my commitment to always show him the respect, care and love he deserves. If he feels that is the case he will discipline me for it. I know that sounds harsh but it is done in a loving, and respectful way and it does put us back on track. My husband is in charge and I like it that way. Him disciplining me reaffirms his role as well as mine.

He has always been an alpha male personality and we have always had some aspects of this type of marriage since we were first married 20 years ago, though not the discipline. I am the one who initiated the conversation about discipline and he was reluctant at first. He didn't want to feel like he was harming me. It took a lot of talking through but we decided to try it. I cannot tell you how much our marriage improved. Being held accountable to upholding my commitments is something I very much wanted. I don't like being disciplined, not because it hurts (it does), but because it means I have let him down enough for him to take action. But after it is over I feel better, forgiven and our relationship renewed. Believe it or not it is a very intimate thing.

People ask all the time about the husband, how is he held accountable? The husband's role carries tremendous responsibility. He his responsible for protecting and providing for his wife and family. He is also required to put the wife first in every way. I cannot tell you how loved and safe that makes me feel. If he were to fail in his responsibilities he would risk the very well-being of his family so there is very little room for error. Therefore he is expected to self-correct. A ship can only have one Captain and the ultimate responsibility always falls to him. Someone has to be at the top of the order and answerable only to himself. In our life and marriage that person is my husband.

Just so you know my expressed consent for him to do this was a very big deal for him. I also have the right to withdraw it at any time, for any reason.

We have never been more connected or passionate in our marriage. We live a very peaceful and loving existence. I would never want it to be any different.

I hope this answers some of your questions.

All the best to you,

Samantha

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Add me to the list of TiH wives here. This change just 6 months ago completely transformed our 28 year marriage from two very different individual who tolerated each other and cooperated to a very full, loving, and even a sizzling hot relationship. The Taken in Hand website gave me the initiative and serves as a well respected guide -- highly recommended, even though there is not enough in the way of new postings and discussions (which is why I'm here). For what it's worth, I am a strong, highly educated, retired professional woman on the vanguard of feminist thought. Oh yes. Feminism to me represents completely open choice. My choice was born of acknowledging an undeniable and powerful erotic response to being taken in hand. Turned out it was a natural thing for my husband, and he's been wonderful. No more power struggles, and yet he looks for my point of view and considers my interests first in a way that never ever happened in past. We are connected more tightly than ever, happier than I thought possible. It has changed things in ways even outside of the bedroom, opened our minds to new possibilities in work and recreation, and generally taken a huge amount of tension out of life. I choose a submissive role, but not subjugation. I give him total control, and his response is to take greater responsibility for my happiness and welfare. He is the boss, but I am no slave: simply the yin to his yang. Hope to hear more constructive discussion from others, TiH or not.

Carrie - posted on 09/16/2013

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hey, i was in a tih relationship and didnt know it but it worked sadly i was in it with the wrong person i think i have better success in this setting. Now im single and i think i would like to try again but im not sure how to address the situation to a man can anyone help.

Alison - posted on 09/03/2013

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HI. I really do not understand why people have to be so nasty, everybody has a right to live the way they do and how they want to live. I am happily in the same sort of relationship, my husband makes all decisions, and he has the finishing say, but hes the most loving , caring man you ever would want to meet.

[deleted account]

Hi. I am sydney and i am in a taken in hand relationship, I have never been happier. Looking forward to talking to other mummy's.

[deleted account]

I am and i am also proud to say i am to. I really think its up to the individual, if this is for them or not and it is for me. xx

Tina - posted on 09/02/2013

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well Wendy, I have never heard this saying and I read about it like you suggested. And what do you know, I am already in a very similar relationship. I love and adore my husband, after years of failed relationships I decided I wanted a loving man, that will take control of most things in the house and our life that I can trust. (I did it all before and often the man took the mickey or abused the situation) And I have exactly that, 6 years on, we talk about everything, no decision is taken without both our agreement, although most of the time I just say you decide, you havent let me down yet. That is holidays, money, cars, (couldnt tell you who the bills are through, or when the mot due,) he takes care of it all. Reliable, trust worthy and always puts me first. My friends were quite shocked that a 'allowed' this man to take control of everything, he even booked the wedding and made all the arrangements, I didnt know when or where, as I knew it would be good. My friends where worried I was putting all my trust and leaving myself vulnerable but i fell in love and trusted for the first time in my life.

Angela - posted on 02/03/2013

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@ Rebecca Bulkely. Your post was very interesting. At the start of the thread, just over 2 years ago you were curious about this type of marriage formula. Three days later you'd discussed it with your husband.

Now, a couple of years down the line you're telling us "My TIH relationship turned abusive and I got out."

Just ignore the updates Rebecca. You don't have to rush to the thread to see what the next person has said simply because you got an update!

Rebecca - posted on 02/03/2013

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It says I'm not subscribed to this convo anymore, but I still get updates... How do I get out of this? My TIH relationship turned abusive and I got out. Now I want fully out of this convo!

Bobbi Jean - posted on 01/21/2013

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I am sorry, the parts of your message I quoted from your original post were deleted when I posted my reply. If you need me to repost some of it to clarify, please let me know.

Blessings,

Bobbi Jean

Bobbi Jean - posted on 01/21/2013

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Ok, Nevada--I'll try to answer questions you have. These just represent my view, but I think having a successful 35 year marriage with my husband in charge gives me some validity.

<>

This kind of marriage is not a child/parent relationship. It is a contract between two consenting adults. The more I research it, the more convinced I am that my husband and I enjoy a TIH marriage. I do not view myself as submissive or handicapped in anyway. My husband has always encouraged me to pursue my professional interests and education. (If you research TIH relationships you will find that many of the women are leaders in their professional field.) As far as being able to act on my own. I am a seven year military vet and twenty year Army wife. When my husband was deployed, guess who was instantly in charge? Since I successfully did this for half of my marriage, I don't think letting my husband be in charge hurt my decision making capability.

<>

As a matter of fact, my husband did fall into a situation like this. Unfortunately, millions of Americans do. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship they are in. It isn't the fault of the relationship; it is the fault of the con men.

<>

Discussion on questionable factors is very much part of my relationship with my husband, and from the sound of it, the other ladies here. That is how it would be handled. If one or more of the partnership is wandering into being unfaithful, it is no longer part of the relationship contract and would be delt with appropriately.

When I entered into this relationship with my husband, I made an informed decision with another informed adult. I did not surrender anything--especially my brain. In cases where women--or me- are forced into a submissive role it is not a TIH relationship. It is criminal and abusive. (Saw Mom and Dad in one of those--there is a world of difference.)

Hillary - posted on 01/14/2013

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I, also, had no idea what "taken in hand" meant, but I read the responses here and then even went to trusty ole google and looked it up! We never labeled our marriage as such, but I don't think it sounds bad! I think it sounds like a majority of the marriages that the people close to me have had. It even sounds a little like my marriage, in a sense. My husband is currently head of household...before we moved to Colorado, I was head of household, as I owned my own daycare. Now, I am unemployed, but seeking employment, and he is encouraging of that, as right now, our finances outweigh our wishes. He always says that if we could afford it, he'd have me just stay at home. I love being a housewife and "housemom." Ha! But right now, it isn't a viable way for us to live. But he does make a lot of the decisions, and I like it that way! I like knowing that he takes great care of us.

Samantha - posted on 01/10/2013

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Tabby,

Good for you! Bringing up TIH to your husband is not an easy thing to do. Sounds like you are off to a great start. You are right about TIH opening the floodgates of communication. It's one of the best things about it! Hope it continues to go well,

Sam

Samantha - posted on 01/10/2013

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Hi Nevada,

Thanks for your questions, you certainly have posed some interesting ones.

Letting my husband lead our marriage is a choice not a necessity. I am a very capable woman having been an executive at a 2 fortune 500 companies and now running my own consulting business. Choosing to be taken in hand doesn't change me, it changes how we interact as a couple.

I am going to repost part of another post below that addresses a few of your questions then I will follow up with a couple answers that are not addressed here.

We function very much like other couples. Our closest friends have no idea. It is very private. If you asked anyone to describe my husband they would tell you he is a smart, sexy, friendly guy with a sharp sense of humor. He is never overbearing or controlling with me and I am not openly submissive to him. We have our standards on how we expect each other to behave. If we are out in public and I do something he feels is not honoring my promises all he has to look at me in a certain way and I know exactly what he's thinking. Our commitments to each other are very akin to marital vows, we just choose to live them everyday.

For many years in our marriage I fought for power and control. It made me and him miserable. When I decided to give it up I am the one who initiated the conversation about TIH and discipline and he was reluctant at first. He didn't want to feel like he was harming me. It took a lot of talking through but we decided to try it. I cannot tell you how much our marriage improved. Being held accountable to upholding my commitments is something I very much wanted. I don't like being disciplined, not because it hurts (it does), but because it means I have let him down enough for him to take action. But after it is over I feel better, forgiven and our relationship renewed. Believe it or not it is a very intimate thing.

People ask all the time about the husband, how is he held accountable? The husband's role carries tremendous responsibility. He his responsible for protecting and providing for his wife and family. He is also required to put the wife first in every way. I cannot tell you how loved and safe that makes me feel. If he were to fail in his responsibilities he would risk the very well-being of his family so there is very little room for error. Therefore he is expected to self-correct. A ship can only have one Captain and the ultimate responsibility falls to him. Someone has to be at the top of the order and answerable only to himself. In our life and marriage that person is my husband.

Just so you know my expressed consent for him to do this was a very big deal for him. I also have the right to withdraw it at any time, for any reason.

You asked how we would handle a situation where we disagreed on whether an action or behavior would be punished. We have some good guidelines on what is expected which removes a lot of gray area. We try to focus on the 5 Ds: Disrespect, Dishonesty, Disobedience, Dangerous Behavior and Distancing (withdrawing). Anything that falls into one of those categories is punishable. None of these things is ever trivialized, meaning, he would never punish me for disobedience over something insignificant. But if he asked me do do something important and I willfully didn't do it, it would be at his discretion to punish or not. We would talk it through of course, but let me first say that a high level of mutual respect and trust is at the very foundation of this type of marriage.

A husband being financially irresponsible or cheating could happen in any marriage. The consequences of that behavior would be devastating to any marriage. But one thing I can tell you is when you ask an honorable man to lead a marriage he will really step up and take pride in providing for and protecting his wife and children. It's in their DNA. In fact, my husband says he's never felt better about himself. A man who feels loved, needed, appreciated and adored will behave very differently from one who is made to feel inadequate, nagged, always wrong and at the center of a woman's unhappiness. A man wants to be the king of his castle. Give that to him and you will be rewarded with his fierce loyalty, protection and affection.

One thing that has not been talked about is the sexual aspects of our marriage. One of my commitments to my husband is to provide him sexual access anytime he desires. Obviously, if there is a compelling reason not to such as illness or injury the issue would never be pushed. This gesture helps him to feel in charge and reinforces his masculinity and my femininity. It keeps the relationship charged and us very connected. Sexual intimacy is at the core of any good marriage and this guarantees that the flame stays lit.

I hope that covers most of your questions. Please let me know if you have anything additional,

All the best,

Sam

Nevada - posted on 01/10/2013

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I haven't done any research on this, but I've read a couple of the posts and responses and have a few questions if you don't mind. What happens in the long run to you the trained to be submissive and taken care of wife if your husband dies first? I can't help but think that you're going to be handicapped in a very real way if you get used to letting someone else be the impetus and deciding factor in your life's direction. Also, what happens if your husband is wrong or makes a mistake? If he had trusted Bernie Madoff with your family's financial future you would all be in trouble, how do situations like that work? And what would happen if your husband thought you needed to be disciplined for something you disagreed with him on, like if he thought your eye was wandering? If he's the ultimate deciding factor it sounds like you're up a creek. And then in a reverse situation, what happens if you think his eye is wandering? I hope I don't sound confrontational or disrespectful, I'm going for curious.

Tabitha - posted on 01/09/2013

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SAM, THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I DID TALK TO MY HUSBAND LASTNIGHT AND I THINK THIS HAS JUST OPENED UP DOORS THAT I DID NOT EVEN KNOW WERE THERE. HE WAS HONEST WITH ME ON A FEW THINGS LASTNIGHT THAT HE WOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD ME IF I WOULD HAVE NOT TOLD HIM ABOUT THE TIH MARRIAGE!!!!;) I WAS LIKE WOW. BUT I WILL KEEP YOU UP TO DATE ON HOW IT IS GOIN FOR US. THANKS, TABBY

Samantha - posted on 01/09/2013

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Tabitha,

Good luck! Hope it works as well for you as it has for me. Let me know how things go!

All the best,

Sam

Lynn - posted on 01/08/2013

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TIH is not for me, but i am so happy how many people can relate to this and or are interested!

Tabitha - posted on 01/08/2013

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I think i am like everyone else here i have never heard of this taken in hand marriage. I looked it up and i am going to show my hubby when he gets home. I think this is just what we need i am always the one in control and sometimes its just to much. But like you wendy i already have a wonderful husband if i know my husband he will be all for it:) what can it hurt to give it a try?

Deanna - posted on 01/07/2013

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Sam,

My family comes from all walks of life. I have family members who would condemn this type of marriage, it being "archaic". But a good marriage is where both partners can agree on the relationship. When there are issues in the marriage, that is when divorce happens. Thankfully I am happy in my marriage. And I understand that not every marriage will work the same way mine does. To quote a song "whatever gets you though the night, it's all right". Nobody gets hurt in the marriage, you are not forcing it on anyone. I see nothing wrong with being happy.

Glad you found what makes you happy, not everyone can find that.

All the best to you,

Deanna

Samantha - posted on 01/07/2013

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Deanna,

Sounds like you are very open-minded person. This type of marriage is often attacked by "feminist" who believe the egalitarian marriage is the only type that should exist. They forget that this is a marriage choice for both the man and the woman and is completely consensual (or they don't believe it). I spent years with control issues before I realized that being in control made me miserable. I wanted my husband to take charge and lead our marriage and I have been so much happier since.

Thanks for your kind words. They are few and far between from people who are just learning about it. All the best to you,

Sam

Samantha - posted on 01/07/2013

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Bobbi Jean,

Sounds like you are already half way there. Your marriage has a lot of the same dynamics. Discipline is optional. Taken in hand is more about embracing traditional roles of man and wife so there is less conflict and more harmony. TIH marriage couples are generally VERY connected emotionally and physically and share incredible intimacy. Congrats on figuring out what works for you. Best of luck in the future!

Sam

Deanna - posted on 01/07/2013

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I had never heard of this type of relationship before. When I first saw "Taken in Hand", I thought it was along the lines of a "Handfast". I was wrong. I read up on "Taken in Hand". My relationship is not like that (I have many control issues) but it sounds like some men and women can be happy in this type of marriage. A good marriage works when both partners can agree on their life together. You seem to have that in check. I find that truly empowering to you and him. You are in sync. Something not many relationships have now.
I was once told by a friend that there are "feminists" out there that judge those of us in a nuclear family. Your relationship would be completely astounding and wrong to them. My Mom (a feminist during the movement) says that a it was about having the right to choose who you are without others judging you. I think that is what you are doing.You CHOSE this type of relationship.
Thank you for teaching me something today!!!

Bobbi Jean - posted on 01/04/2013

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After reading about this--posts here and other sources--I think I may enjoy a TIH marriage of a sort without physical punishment. However, lots of affection and we don't sweat the small stuff.

My husband and I have rules for fighting, money matters,and decision making. Arguments are rare and don't last beyond 20 minutes--no yelling, insults, or cursing (the last one is at my insistence). We talk about all decisions. If we can't agree, we come back to it 24-48 hours later. If there is still disagreement, I restate my case and then it's in my husband's ballpark. It is not for everyone, but it works for us.

Lynn - posted on 12/28/2012

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Nope. Did not close the conversation. Just deleted the negative comments. :)

Patricia - posted on 12/28/2012

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WOW! I think they need to close this conversation. Moderators if you are around consider closing this for everyone's sake. :)

Angela - posted on 12/23/2012

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Lynn, as I understand it, they're not spanking 'each other'. The man spanks the woman, she accepts the spanking as it apparently relieves stress, resolves conflicts, recharges their batteries and re-sets their relationship.

Lynn - posted on 12/22/2012

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Honestly i have never heard of two adults spanking each other in a nonkinky way. But I dont at all look down upon it. If it is something you and your husband can agree upon, awesome! So i have a few questions... and these are not questions so that I can look down on you, just questions out of curiosity. How often is the spankings? I mean are they often once a week, one a month, once a year? I understand they are not planned and scheduled... Also did the spankings start before or after you were married? How did the idea and subject come up between you and your spouse? Does your family and friends know about it? Do any of your friends do the same thing? (obviously with their spouse, not to you :-p )

Samantha - posted on 12/21/2012

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Angela,

A few facts to start out with. In my TIH relationship:

*He is not absolved of all wrong doing, He has commitments to the relationship he must abide by also such as respect, care, protection and putting his wife and family first.
*He does not have a license to act inconsiderately or disregard my needs, wants and desires. By doing so he risks the relationship.
*There is nothing that says I don't have the right to be angry if he disappoints me or that conflict of this kind results in discipline
*He never spanks in anger
*He never spanks just because he is annoyed or in a bad mood
*He never spanks just because I am upset and can't "snap out of it"

I think you are missing the point of the whole TIH relationship dynamic by focusing so much on spanking and discipline and you seem to forget that I consent to this with my whole heart. He has standards for his behavior, I have standards for my behavior. He has the responsibility of leading, caring for, providing for and protecting the family. If he blows that he risks everything so he has a lot more at risk than a spanking. My standards include support, respect, encouragement, care and kindness. Occasionally, I don't honor my commitments and we get sideways in our relationship. This is where spanking resets us and puts back on the right track. I welcome it because it provides me a path to forgiveness, stress relief and reconnection to my husband. He welcomes it because it puts him firmly back in charge and cements his role. It's not for everyone but it works for us.

Sorry if you don't agree, Angela, but it is our marriage, our choice and we are very happy with it. Hope you are happy too.

Sam

Samantha - posted on 12/21/2012

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Lots of assumptions and declarations on your part. If you felt so controlled in your relationship then yours was not a true TIH relationship. Very different from D/s relationships and BDSM dynamics.

Samantha - posted on 12/21/2012

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I'm in one and it is every thing I want it to be. Sounds like yours was abusive. Sorry you had a bad experience.

Samantha - posted on 12/21/2012

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I'm sorry Wanda but noting could be further from the truth. Perhaps you should visit the www.takeninhand.com site for more info.

Samantha - posted on 12/21/2012

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That TIH relationships "are traditional mostly religious based Male SUPERIOR ones" is a misconception. While some relationships have a religious basis, most do not. No one is more superior in the relationship, in fact a high level mutual respect is one of the cornerstones of the dynamic. While the husband leads the relationship, he puts his wife first in every way.

Angela - posted on 12/20/2012

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Samantha, I honestly can't understand how spanking ends conflict. If I was angry with my husband because (for example) he'd spoiled my plans to meet my sister and share an hour of sisterly "catching up" then I fail to see how a spanking would resolve things! I still wouldn't have seen my sister and I would have a sore, red backside as well!

As well as having a grievance with him over my plans being spoiled, I would now have a grievance that he'd inflicted pain on me. And what if he was the one who had a grievance with ME? He would still be the one handing out the spanking! For the man to administer the "discipline" regardless of whoever had hurt/angered/annoyed/inconvenienced whom in the first place also seems a bit skewed! He seems to be holding all the cards! It's like

* She upsets me & I spank her.
* I upset her and I spank her.
* She can't snap out of a bad mood (due to outside influences) and I spank her
* Outside influences have upset me, I'm crabby and irritable with my wife, but what the hell, I'll spank her

...... and all will be OK in our world once more!

Whilst I agree that a demanding and responsible job outside the home might well make many women feel it's great to hand the reins over to someone else in the home, the spanking bit I just fail to understand.

Samantha - posted on 12/15/2012

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Hi Patricia,

I appreciate your honesty. I know the very idea of TIH relationships can set off alarm bells for a lot of women. In your case I'm sure it stirs up a lot bad memories for you.

One point that hasn't been made here is that many couples who have poor conflict resolution skills "punish" or "abuse" each other verbally and emotionally all the time. When a wife withdraws form her husband emotionally and physically due to conflict isn't she, in effect, punishing him? Conflict in marriage, many times, is due to a build up of stress, emotion and misunderstandings. As difficult as it may be to understand, when my husband and I are in conflict and he says enough is enough, takes me to our private bedroom and spanks me it instantly ends our conflict. It provides a pre-determined method for us to quickly and efficiently stop the disagreement, relieve the stress and makes an incredible reconnection. It is an extremely intimate, bonding process that is difficult to explain. All I can say is that it is so positive for us.

I am happy to answer any of your questions. I know you must have many :)

All the best to you,

Sam

Lynn - posted on 12/14/2012

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Yikes ladies! There seems to be a little misunderstanding, assuming, and conflict here. I have not been online in a week or so but my gosh I got on tonight and it looked like there were a few disagreements... then understandings... then disagreements again. We are all different people. We all have different beliefs and different practices... Lets keep these posts positive. You can ask questions to each other if it is not in a judgmental way. lets learn about each other, rejoice with each other, and not take slight jabs at each other. No, i am not directing this to any certain person.

Samantha - posted on 12/14/2012

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Shannon,

You put the term "uneducated" in quotes as if I used that term to describe you. I didn't.

I merely pointed out that there are distinct differences between BDSM relationships and TIH relationships. That is undeniable. And, that you, of all people should not be disparaging other people's lifestyles since you are living one that comes under a lot of criticism as well.

I'm not sure what you think my children have seen in my home that would cause them harm. The intimate aspects of our relationship are handled privately. Our children have seen a peaceful, loving relationship without conflict. Your children didn't get to choose to grow up in a same sex marriage either and some people might say that is detrimental to them. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like hearing that.

Your BDSM "credentials" mean nothing to me. It matters not how much you know about it, the point is you don't know anything about TIH relationships. Just as I am not qualified to analyze the dynamics of same sex marriages since I don't live in one, the same applies to you with regard to TIH marriages.

And, so we're clear, I never disparaged people in the BDSM community. I just don't like other people defining my lifestyle for me. I'm sure you don't either.

I don't care how other people live their lives as long as they are aren't hurting anyone else but I have to say Shannon, one of my biggest gripes with the people who tout "diversity" and "tolerance" is their lack of tolerance for anyone else's differences. You seem to have a very large chip on your shoulder and tend to wander off the point with statements like... "and when I see people actively denying membership in a community that made general acceptance of their relationship possible... " These sound like gay community talking points to me and don't make much sense in the context of this conversation. Who and what am I denying membership to and from what community?

This is a thread about TIH relationships. Not sure why you feel compelled to be here since it has so little relevancy to you. Seems you are just looking to be critical of others. How would you like it if I bombed the gay and lesbian threads, criticizing and categorizing your relationship? Not one bit I'm sure.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, Shannon. I have a feeling you would have a lot less conflict in your life if you practiced that.

Sam

Heather - posted on 12/13/2012

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I found out through joining the Taken in hand forum TIH wives are far from being 'yes, Sir, No Sir' docile women. Actually, I had many of my stories, questions , and comments rejected by the creator of the site because I was too inappropriate for TIH forum and more acceptable for Loving Domestic Discipline. The women on TIH are nothing but positive and Very strong. I read of one woman who was an executive of some company. In charge of men and women with equal intellect. When she got home, she just wanted a balance in her life. Her home was her sanctuary and her husband was her rock And her Head of Household. She maintained independence and herself, but she no longer had to make hard final decisions. Her husband was top executive of the whole house.She was lead department manager and board member. She never discussed discipline or even emplied it. Many TIH women were like that. They were strong, independent women who wanted a man that could help them not be 'The Boss' persona at home. If I brought up discipline, I had to be careful how I worded things if I wanted my comment or story accepted. The word Submission was like a cuss word as well as spanking and other such words. What I read and came to understand was, TIH is not BDSM, let alone LDD. It is more about living traditional rolls and allowing the wives to take off their coorporate personas and become themselves and give into a desire just to be a wife and mother. So No this not BDSM. It is about traditional rolls and mutual respect( Please Note: I know full well their is mutual respect in a BDSM relationship. It manifests itself in different ways). I even read where one lady did describe a "punishment". She had to take a run to calm herself down. Guess what, she was a runner! He was "forcing" her to take a few moments to herself before they proceeded an argument.

I have read a few BDSM sites and I have friends who live such a lifestyle. In my friends' case, it is more about taking herself out of the equation completely. She is no longer her own person, she is his. From what i understand, bottoms have no say other than an agreement and a safe word. Which from what I hear is rarely used because their only desire is to please the Top or Dom. My friend pushes her limitations to please her Dom( in this case her husband ) and to possibly earn rewards. I have heard it first hand over the phone. It is more like a game that they have incorporated into their everyday lives. She could be having a normal day doing normal activities, having normal conversation with me, her hubby in the room or out, then out of nowhere her husband who is already head of household, becomes her Dom or as he prefers it, her Sir. Her personality changes at the snap of a finger and my over the top sarcatic friend who has no problems being too forward and too blunt, becomes this meek, whispering person who says please no Sir! And yes Sir! And I'm sorry Sir. I know i wrote anything like that on the TIH forum, the story woulf be completely regected, I'd get an email referring me to another site.I am sure not all BDSM relationships are like my friend's. Just like no TIH marriages or any other marriage is the same. I will say as a final note, my friend and her husband are veri very happy in their marriage and I have complete respect for all successful, loving marriages wether they be TIH, BDSM, LDD or main stream. I hope all of us commenters continue to love our husbands, respect ourselves, and enjoy all we are lucky to have.

Patricia - posted on 12/12/2012

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I agree with many aspects of the lifestyle, but I just have a hard time with the discipline. I guess having been in a bad abusive relationship when I was younger probably has a lot to do with that. I cry if my Husband raises his voice to me-hahaha. We also never argue in front of our Daughter. We really haven't gotten into an arguements. I could count maybe 2 to 3 times in the whole 23 years we have been together. I am just very interested and will read more. I am sorry I came right out and shouted abuse. That was wrong. It is great that you have found something that works for you. So many relationships are toxic and broken.

Samantha - posted on 12/12/2012

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Hi Angela,



Glad to see we have found some common ground. I am happy to hear that you and your husband settle your differences away from the children. I don"t think there is anything more stressful for a child than witnessing his/her parents battle.



To answer your questions, we have two children. A son who is away at college and a daughter in high school. I have my own consulting business which allows me to tailor my schedule around my daughter's sports activities and my husbands travel schedule. He works for a large corporation and travels about 3 days per week.We have been together for 20+ years and are in our mid-forties.



I don't mind answering your questions about our marriage dynamic if you have anything you want to ask. It seemed very foreign to me when I first discovered it also and I know it is hard to understand.



Nice talking to you as well,



Sam

Angela - posted on 12/12/2012

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Not denigrating it - it works for you & your man, so good luck to you both! I wouldn't judge it for you, I'd judge it for myself - would be a boring world if we were all the same! Even the TIH website said it's not a lifestyle for everyone. My own lifestyle probably wouldn't be suitable for you!



I can truthfully say that my husband and I NEVER have shouted around my children.



Do you go to work? I don't know if your children still live with you of course - I think you implied they're grown up?



One of my favourite aspects of my own marriage is that my husband and I are both the same age - that's something I'm really happy about! Well, he's just 7 weeks older than me, LOL!!



Anyway, I'll be late for my shift so must shoot off. Nice talking to you.

Samantha - posted on 12/11/2012

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Angela,



I am surprised that you think I am the one being defensive. I think if you look over each of our posts you will see more shouty capitals and exclamation points in your posts than mine, LOL. I only posted in response to the original question on the thread asking for women to share their experiences in this lifestyle. I neither asked for or intended to provoke an attack or debate.



I just don't understand why you feel so compelled to denigrate a lifestyle that you know nothing about. And when you go after me as a parent, well, then, I believe you have crossed a line.



The marriage dynamic my husband I share is intensely private. We have instilled in our children the importance of a mutually respectful and loving relationship between a husband and a wife and we have lived it as an example to them. How we manage that behind closed doors is a private affair. I know that many married couples are not always at their best around their children particularly when it comes to conflict resolution. Their children might model their future relationships around the dysfunction they have witnessed there. I will put our example of a loving relationship up against any other and if you asked our children I believe they would tell you the same thing. One of the advantages of our conflict resolution is that it requires us to work it out quickly, behind closed doors, in private and between just the two of us.



I have seen many, many married couples fight in public in full view of their children, other family and bystanders. No matter how judgmental you are about my lifestyle certainly you cannot believe that is more preferable.



Best of luck you in your life and marriage,



Sam

Angela - posted on 12/11/2012

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Agreed that this is a thread about TIH relationships - but it's in a Forum sub-section called " Moms With Wonderful Husbands". Nowhere in this thread does it say the content is only for those with a Taken-in-Hand relationship! Those of us (including yourself, of course) that feel we have wonderful husbands, are interested in the dynamics of other people's marriages. I feel you are somewhat defensive!!



Nowhere did I say that the principles of TIH relationships were "repulsive", I do in fact find it all very fascinating - but as I've said, it's not for me and my husband. I even said (and I quote) "Congratulations if you have found a marriage formula that works for you. " and I meant that!



As for children, I'm sure you don't have your spanking sessions (or your sexual couplings for that matter!) in front of them - I never imagined you did! But depending on the age of your children, at some point in their lives, I imagine you might talk with them about your values and what you feel helps make a marriage lasting and secure etc .... If your kids see Mom & Dad happy and content with one another, they may choose to ultimately model their own adult relationship with their chosen life partner along the same lines. And since it isn't a marriage model that's going to suit everyone, that's where I worry about the example it sets to children.



For your son to take his wife in hand, or your daughter to ask to be taken in hand by her husband, these might be proposals that are not altogether palatable with their future spouses!

Samantha - posted on 12/11/2012

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Angela,



I realize that this is hard to understand for someone who is unfamiliar with this relationship model. And, I recognize that you would not understand the dynamics of how spanking meets the needs of both of us in resolving conflict, relieving stress and resetting our relationship. As I said, it is an incredibly intimate thing that is not easily understood. No, I don't spank my husband, lol. That would not do anything for him or for me and is not in alignment with how we view each other as life partners and husband and wife. By the way, we have been together 20 years.



I do realize that there are many forms and manifestations of BDSM relationships. My point is that TIH is not BDSM repackaged for the mainstream. Just so we are clear, there is nothing in my relationship with my husband that remotely resembles a BDSM relationship in my mind.



For the record our children have been raised in a loving and supporting home. They are very successful young adults who have seen nothing but two parents who love each other and live in a peaceful existence with one another. For you to assume that we would carry out the most intimate aspects of our marriage in front of them is absurd. Do you have sex in front of your children? I didn't think so.



Again, this is a thread about TIH relationships. Still intrigued as to why you are here if you find it so repulsive. Perhaps there are other areas of the site that would be more interesting to you. All the best to you.



Sam

Angela - posted on 12/11/2012

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@ Samantha Green, you say "Spanking is a part of our relationship. It provides us a way to work out conflict in a way that preserves the love, respect and caring we have for one another. We don't hurl insults, scream and holler, give each other the cold shoulder or damage our bond."



So since spanking is a part of your relationship and as you say "it provides US a way to work out conflict ....." does that mean you get to spank him as well?



You say "it resets us, relieves stress and reestablishes our connection" - so if it does that for BOTH of you, then you BOTH apparently get to spank the other and also be spanked by the other? Because if just one of you is the "spanker" and the other is the "spankee" it would seem a bit strange. The spanker is reset, their stress relieved and they're re-connected to their partner. And the spankee gains in the same way?



If I said to my husband, "Honey, I need stress relief, we need resetting as a couple and for our connection to one another to be re-established - so should I spank you or is it your turn to spank ME?" He would look at me so strangely!



By the way, lots of BDSM couples are legally married or in long term relationships - and they're mutually exclusive. BDSM is a very broad term which is actually a shortened acronym for BDDSSM (Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism & Masochism). Your typical BDSM couple don't necessarily follow all six of the above categories!



Congratulations if you have found a marriage formula that works for you. I doubt it would work for most couples. And I stand by my comments that it's not the best example for children.

Samantha - posted on 12/11/2012

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Patricia,



Perhaps you do not agree with this lifestyle but it is a choice I make for the betterment of my marriage and my relationship. I remind you that it is an entirely consensual agreement between my husband and I and I assure you there is nothing abusive about it.



I am curious as to why there are so many women on this thread reading about a relationship model that they feel compelled to rail against. Certainly there are other threads on this site that are in better alignment with your relationship ideals. It's Interesting that you find it so fascinating...



All the best to you,



Sam

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