Do you put your husband first.

Shelly - posted on 08/18/2009 ( 64 moms have responded )

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How many of you make your marriage a priority over everything else other than God??? I'm talking before your children or your job wheather it be at home or you go out ofthe house to work!!!!

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Deana - posted on 09/12/2011

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If you do not have the mind set that your spouse is first, then they eventually become last because kids take so much of your time and energy. Your children need to see love and affection, need to see respect and love shown by both spouses. I dont want my husband to become a business partner. I want to be a good role model for my children. If you cant keep the love alive in the family, the other can wander elsewhere. I hope i make sense. Keep your spouse number one and the rest will fall into place.

Deana - posted on 09/12/2011

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Meggy, I dont think you understand what I am saying. Of course you need to meet your childrens needs. You need to pay ALOT of attention to them. What I am say is that a love for a child is unconditional and nothing will change that. We automatically love them this way. Not so for our spouse, we cannot take them for granted. We need date nights, time to set aside to talk and share what is going on emtionally,mentally and physically in thier lives. We take time for our children but not our husband. What does this teach our children? To push our spouse aside and hope he will be there when all is said and done? I cannot show love to my husband if I forget what his purpose is in my life. Same goes for the husband. He must not forget how important we are to them. They need to learn patience and understanding becuase they are not number one in our lives,pretty much the first year a child is born. I a speaking for myself and I am a 46 year old woman, that has had crummy relationships in my past before my husband. I chose men that were not good people. I had relationships that I did not consider their needs, that is why they didnt last. If it were not for my husband we would not have our child, who am I to show him dis respect in any way. I dont know your story and you dont know mine. I just know what makes it work for everyone around me. It takes alot of effort but it is worth it.

Gabrielle - posted on 02/09/2013

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Your post is a little slanted, in that you are assuming that all of us believe in God, or a deity. And I believe there is a difference between putting your husband first and putting your marriage first. My marriage is a living relationship between two people. My husband is someone I love dearly, but I don't always put his needs before mine because I'm important, too.

Bridget - posted on 01/26/2013

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My husband, kids, and myself are a team! When it comes to needs for my husband exactly what is it that he can't get for himself? I'm not his servant, nor is he mine. When it comes to our children and their needs My husband and I stand side by side, as team mates. As some seem to forget we had help in making these wonderful miracles, my kids love unconditionally because we tell them they are loved daily, it does not take two parents being together to show kids how to love, it's showing them that they are and always will be loved! Also just b.c couples get divorced does not mean that there kids will follow in their footsteps. Your children also learn by communication, be honest, don't make empty promises, answer your kids questions and they will always have respect for there parents. Yes your kids do grow and set forth in there own adventures, but when it comes the time you can't do for yourself, who do you think is going to be at your side, just as you were at theirs. Surely not the husband you served too, but your children to whom respect, and love you!!

User - posted on 07/25/2012

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I honestly put myself first. I do whatever I can do get my alone, quiet time. The reason why I do this is because if I don't, I'm a wreck and I do no service to my husband or my son. This does not equal neglect. Someone else watches my son, whether it be husband or family, if I feel I haven't had adequate quiet time. After myself, its my husband. I want a strong marriage with my husband so we can be a strong team to raise my son. Then my son's needs come next. After putting 110% of my life into my son, neglecting my husband and myself, he told me I needed to put the gas mask on myself on an airplane before my kids or no one will be saved. I took that advice to heart. I do whatever I can to be a happy, healthy wife and mother, and my husband is more than happy to provide the help so I can get that time if I just ask for it. Of course, there are always exceptions to this hierarchy, but this has proved to be the best mode of functioning for my family. Let me tell you, neither my husband, nor my son resent me for taking time for myself.

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Anna - posted on 02/11/2013

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I put my husband and my family first. i am married to a sioux indian and have taken many of his beliefs and made them my own. now i am not saying i make my children believe the way we do because it is their choice to do so or not. honesty and family and faith are the creeds we follow in our lives.

Lynn - posted on 07/25/2012

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My wonderful husband and I let our son go to his grandparents for the summer and my husband and I are honestly having so much fun. We go bowling, we go on walks for miles upon miles. We laugh and joke and enjoy life. My husband and I were not having problems, but we did miss each other with us being so busy with our child and work. So we set some extra time aside for us, and its so fun.

I give all i can to and for my husband. And in return, he does the same. Thats why I have such a wonderful husband. My friends are jealous of what my husband and I have and get sick of hearing about us. thats why I created this site. lol. so we can all brag, and relate. LOL

Sal - posted on 07/25/2012

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I'm revisiting this thread and after reading some of the comments (and reading over mine) I think that some people aren't seeing the needs of their husbands as any different fro
Needs of their children, one post said that he is a grown man who can look after him self, yes I totally agree with this on the cooking cleaning "taking care of him way" but that was not how I see his needs to be, taking great care of his children and running our house hold are important needs of my husband, I'm not abytime soon going to neglect my Children's immedate needs to pander to my hubby's whims but yes he and my marriage are of top priority to me. His needs that I make a priority are not able to be met by anyone else and time putting our relationship first benifits my children everyday

Rebecca - posted on 09/30/2011

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My husband and I discuss this often. I'm now a working mom after more than 5 years as a SAHM. When we haven't had a good amount of quality time one of us will say to the other, "I miss my best friend" and that is our way of letting the other know that we need to invest more time into our friendship and relationship than we have been. I've often asked God to forgive me for not being a good steward of my marriage and He has been faithful to show me ways to squeeze valuable time out of every day even if I give up a little sleep or something I might have wanted to do. He reminds me to not worry about tomorrow because today has enough worries of it's own.I've learned so much about myself and my husband in our 8 years together and I know that as our children grow into adulthood that they'll be secure in the knowledge that their parents love eachother more every day and that we truly are best friends!

Janeta - posted on 09/29/2011

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God comes first and for most with my daughter right there with him, then my husband comes next I do not feel like I would be a good mom if I put my husband over my daughter. My daughter is only fourteen months old she is helpless my husband is not! My daughter needs me! She is my main priority! I just feel like thats how it should be. I put my husband over going out with friends or cleaning the house and if he really needs me or wants to spend time with me I put him over my own self going out and getting a mani pedi ect...

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I see it as no different from mutitasking with anything else I do as my children are awake. I'm not debating with you about this, but I can see from your photo you have more then one child...its the samething with them. Is it fair to your first child for you to have a second child because you are now spliting your time between two children? You are not spending all your time and focus on that first child. My relationship with God is like all my other relationships. It takes work, it takes time and it take patients. I often include my children in my relationship with God by teaching them to pray, or reading Bible stories with them. It's all about what works for your family. Like I said its about multi-tasking and understanding how to balance your life.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/15/2011

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Tasha, I have adult ADD I multitask at everything I do. I'm also not into practicing organized religion at this time. It just seems that you'd only be giving your child half of your attention and that doesn't seem fair.

[deleted account]

Meggy- are you saying you cant mutitask? You cant play with your child and talk to God? It's the same as playing with your child and talking on the phone or doing the dishes and saying your ABC's with your child.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/15/2011

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Sorry, maybe it's the Eccelctic talking, but how do you put a deity ahead of your children? That's just wrong. Do you tell your child, sorry can't play with you right now I have to pray? As far as I know not even my grandma did that and she was very religious.

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God, family, work...now that said my family is my work so no my husband does not come before all else...really its God, kids, husband, extended family then all else

Deana - posted on 09/13/2011

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Meggy, it sounds as if things are going great for you. Glad you are happy in your marriage. I guess posing the question , whether or not you are Christian is a big help. Those of us that our Christian understand what each other means by putting your husband before the children. I didnt understand it either until I started getting into learning about God myself. I would have been totally confused if this question was asked 10 years ago. They have areas in the bible that are dedicated to husband/family , which explains what God wants from us. Sorry to hear about the abusive relationship you were in , glad that you were able to get out when you did. Sounds as if you found a wonderful man in your life, you are very fortunate.

Kattia - posted on 09/12/2011

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Our children learn about love and respect by watching how my husband and I interact with each other when they are with us, around us. Children are keen observers who pick up every little nuances, even when we think they are not watching . When we are alone and have our "couple time" they are not a witness to this so they can't gain anything from it. This time is strictly for us as couple. Taking care our daughters, being with them, being there for them doesn't mean that we don't think that it is important for us have time alone...it doesn't mean that we sacrifice being a couple, we are just creative about squeezing time together...for instance, our night time routine has worked pretty well for us....he handles homework while i prep dinner, and he helps the kids with their baths while i straighten things around the house...by the time the kids are settled in we have quite a bit time before we have to turn in. Granted we are not able to do this daily but we are able to consistently pull it off twice a week + weekends...



Being married with children is a learning experience...we often discuss what works for us and what doesn't. Family, like everything in life is all about finding a balance, but it's a heck of a lot easier when you have a partner with the same philosophy.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/12/2011

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My husband is an atheist so he doesn't believe in God in the first place and I'm not exactly practicing any religion at the moment so that pretty much takes God out of the equation in our marriage.

I'm aware that putting your husband first means that you would step in if he was doing anything questionable. That's a no brainer.

My husband and I are a team. We consult each other on raising and disciplining my nearly 7 year old daughter. If she comes to one of us saying that the other one said she could do such and such a thing we make sure to ask the other person. But to me that's not putting him first, that's part of parenting when you're married.

Rabecca - posted on 09/12/2011

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I dont think if you dont have a clear understanding of what God really asks of you as a wife and a mother than you can realize that by putting you husband beofre you children honors God and it honors your Husband AND your kids because yes your kids have more demands and needs than your husband but you can truly bless your kids by showing them the respect and love you show your husband if you havent heard this before the best thing you can do for your kids is to love your husband /wife well and its true . it doesnt mean if your husband is abusing your kids you choice your husband thats not what God expects of us he would never want anyone to stand by and waltch anyone hurt your kids it just means that you dont let your kids to something if thier dad has told them no standing by your husband if you cant come to a compromise you go with the desion of your husband not that he gets to lay down the law and that you have no say just that if someone has to budge its up to us as the wives to do so (not always the easiest part LOL) now this may just seem crazy to some woman I know but Gods plan is perfect he knows what it takes to make a long and lasting marriage and he tells us this is how it will work if you will follow my words and I know I have been very blessed in my life and by my husband when I honor him in this way
Oh by the way ladies yes it may seem like God only has rules on what it is to be a wife but did you all know he gave Husbands twice as many directions about how to be a good husband and what he asks of men as husbands than what he says to woman in the Bible thats usally because men need to be told things way more than times and spelt out a bit more we do LOL

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/12/2011

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Deana, I guess I didn't.

My husband honestly has more trouble making time for us than I do because I'm not only his first marriage I'm the first woman he's been in a relationship with at all. I don't fault him for that. We learn from each other on what the other person needs. We help each other take care of our children. We also make time to spend with just each other either after the girls are asleep or when we go to visit his mom and her BF and we can have her watch both girls. We got to see the new Transformer's movie on Canada day weekend and we started re-watching Iron man because that's the first movie we saw together.

I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship with my older daughter's father before he left me. I tried very hard to make it a point to put what he wanted or needed above what I wanted or needed and it got me no where. That's why I don't understand saying you need to put your spouse first because when I did that all I had was a shedload of pain.

My husband knows I love him (Partially because I moved from New York to British Columbia to be with him and nothing says love like leaving your own country to move to the other side of the continent) and we both constantly try to show it. There's no need to feel like we should prioritize.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/12/2011

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I married my husband for who he is, not because of his beliefs or lack of them. My first husband suddenly decided to become a born again Christian after our divorce. Funny how the conscience works.

I've said it before and I will always say it children before your husband. Your husband might decide to up and leave you one day, but you'll always have your children if you treat them with love and put them first.

Lynn - posted on 09/12/2011

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I think its important to raise your child and look after your childrens well being, but i also think your husband and relationship needs to be an important part of your life too. My son will grow up, and we will raise him to be the best person we can, but we also concentrate on "US". Our son will grown up, and move out some day, and go to college and start his own life and visit us whenever he wants. But we need to make sure there will always be an "US" for him to visit. I plan to spend the rest of my life with my husband, the father of my child. And in order to be a strong family, we need to concentrate on keeping our love and respect for each other strong. I guess i kinda do prioritize stuff now that I think of it.

If my husband did not believe in God, i would have never dated him. So Because on God, which was number one, came our relationship. And because of our relationship, came our son. And I didnt say ok God, I am going to set you aside now that I am married. Or ok Hubby, i am going to set you aside now that we have a child.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/12/2011

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Deana, I dissagree with that. My husband is a grown man who understands that our children have to come first. You can't expect a 6 month old to take herself to the washroom, change herself or feed herself can you? And a school age child can't do everything for herself either. Our children have needs and we meet those needs first before we take care of each other.



My children (well my 7 year old) can tell that my husband and I love and respect each other without me placing him above them. We help make dinner, do household chores, and show our love in other ways. We make time to spend with each other after the girls are asleep. I don't know much about the Bible anymore and I don't exactly practice religion, but the wife is a helpmate to her husband, not a servant correct?



Besides that I had my 7 year old before I even met my husband and it was just us for 2 years before he and I started talking. My husband understands that our older daughter and our baby will always take priority over him. Unless he's really sick or hurt that's the way my husband told me he wants it and that's the way he expects it.



I just want to add that your husband isn't going to stray because you don't put him first. Your husband is going to stray because he wants to. It doesn't matter how well you treat him, I found that out the hard way. In my opinion saying that your husband will stray because you don't put him first puts blame on the wife instead of on the husband where it belongs. A real man who loves you won't cheat on you reguardless of where he lands in the pecking order.

Kattia - posted on 09/12/2011

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I'm trying to understand how one goes about putting god above your family...do you tell your kid sorry can't make it. To your recital/game today because I have to pray/go to church? As I see it your family(both children & spouse) & faith do not have to be mutually exclusive. How do you rate one family member above another? How can a father accept that ( I'm assuming that it was a mutual decision to put him above the kids)? My husband would never agree to such a thing even if I believe this. We are a family unit, we are equal. No one is more important than another. Do we as a couple wish that we had more time "alone"? Of course we do. I don't know what couple with young children that don't. We joke and laugh about it all the time, but we made the decisions to be parents and it never came into question wether or not our children are our first priority. We realized that they will only need our undivided attention but so long. Once they reach their teenage years we will probably be begging them to spend time with us...lol

If family members are going to be prioritized, do stop at just your spouse? Or are the children also prioritized? At what point do you stop?

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/10/2011

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I honestly don't think it's fair for the children to think that they come after their father and some being who may or may not exist. What does that say to your kids?

Lee and I were friends before we decided to make any type of commitment and he knew I had a daughter from my first marriage and she's been my first priority since she was born. When our daughter was born back in March we both knew almost instinctively that she was a first priority not either of us. I find it disturbing that some moms on here state that their needs and their husband's needs come before that of their children. Unless your children are fully grown and out of the house they come first!

My ex husband always made sure he was the only priority in our marriage and now makes sure our daughter knows she's not a priority in his life. She has absolute last place over his new family and his new children. I've seen how much that hurts her as a person. I make sure that she knows she's just as important to myself and her SD as the baby. Even though that's a struggle because we all know how much a baby needs compaired to a 7 year old.

Lee knows that he's important to me, but he always makes sure it's the girls first and then us.

Lynn - posted on 09/10/2011

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I dont know if i prioritize things like my child vs husband. My husband and I have agreed on everything, so its not like i have ever had to chose one person over another.

Chantel - posted on 09/10/2011

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In our family we make everyone a priority. Everyone's needs come into account. After all that is how society should function and I want my son to know that others needs are just as important as his own.
I feel that this makes for a happy household.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/08/2011

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Not me. For one thing my husband's an Atheist so he doesn't believe in God and I'm a non practicing Catholic. 2nd, we have two girls and the youngest is only 6 months old so we have to put them both before everyone including ourselves. That's how it should be in households with children- especially young children.



I make sure my husband knows he's a priority just as he does for me, but in our house the kids come before everyone- even possibly made up deities.



I find it sad that so many women think that their children should accept that their husbands come before the children. My mother never did that to me and my husband and I make sure our children don't experiance that either.

[deleted account]

Why does anyone have to be first? Ranking your family always means someones a loser. Someone always comes last. And ladies why are your children coming last!? Husbands are for the most part fully grown. They should know their loved and cherished without constant adoration. Your children are growing and need you most now, not when their grown up and gone!

Deana - posted on 08/24/2011

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I put my child first the first year of his life, because I didnt have time for my husband. Now that I see it is affecting our relationship I am working on spending more time with my husband. I think the depression I had after I had my son didnt help any. I was in survival mode and all I could do was take care of my son.

Michelle - posted on 08/22/2011

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It goes God, kids, husband for me. I love my husband so much but the kids come before him.

Tina - posted on 08/21/2011

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Ultimately my child(ren) come first in my life. Like if it were to ever come to him or them it would be them no question! Fortunately I do not see that being an issue because he is an amazing dad. However, I also believe that to keep the children #1, Mom and Dad need to be happy in their marriage. If Mom and Dad are not happy, the children can feel that and they are not happy. My husband and I do this by making time each day to talk (usually after our kid(s) in bed) Our only child (hopefully not for long) is 2 and she knows that after bedtime if she needs mommy and daddy she must knock on her door before leaving the room because that is our special time alone. We always attend to her needs!! Also once a week we have "date night". Whether it be we send Gracie to Grandma and stay in and I make him a candlelight dinner or we go out.

Kathy - posted on 08/20/2011

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I definitely put my marriage first after God of course. My husband is my everything, my lover, my best friend, the father to my children, i couldn't breathe without him, I couldn't live without him, he gives me reason to live.

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My daughter is number one. I love my husband, but no matter what my daughter does I will ALWAYS love her. I can't say that for my husband, there are things that he could do that would make me not love him.

Kimberly - posted on 09/07/2010

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I do and I do not. My husband knew when he married me that no matter what my child/ Children will always come first! But after them is him. Then myself

Tara - posted on 09/05/2010

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I find these comments very disturbing. Your husbands are fully grown men and therefore can look after themselves, where as your children cannot. I find it very odd, and sad really that these women even tell their children they come second not only to their husbands but to God, HOW SECURE AND LOVED DO THESE CHILDREN FEEL. knowing they are at the bottom of the pecking order. It's plain sick to be honest. You women need to reanalyse your lives, because your husbands as wonderful as they be, can and possibly will up and leave you (fact) yet your childrens love is UNCONDITIONAL. My husband and I both put our children first in all aspects of our lives and that is how it should be, and will be for the rest of your days. otherwise you should never have brought them into the world. My husband and I have plenty of time together when the children are in bed and we go out of an evening occasionally which suits us. When we decided to start a family we knew that our children would be our priority and will be to our dying days. Even when they up and leave home for god's sake. Reality check women please.

Tara - posted on 09/05/2010

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I find that somewhat alarming, and very unnatural as a mother. At what cost would you put your husband first, I do wonder.

Tara - posted on 09/05/2010

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Hell no. My chikdren come first and always will. I love my husband dearly and he is a good man and fab dad. We have a wonderful family life, BUT if it came down to it, my husband or children, sorry theres no choice. My chidren every time. Thankfully I cant see me ever facing that dilema.

Sal - posted on 09/02/2010

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putting my husband at the top of my list is important for my children, having happy parents makes a sucure and happy home, and that is the best gift i can give them.....they need love and sucurity more than anything else.

DIANE - posted on 08/25/2010

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Hi shelly..I believe that putting my husband first is priority now other Than God!!..I have learned to be submissive and talk about issues other than to yell. Now that our children are grown, it is much easier to make him first in my life our marital relationship is wonderful eventhough hard times may come that's when we pray together and ask God to show us the way. With God in our lives our marriage has been extremely strong we talk not yell, we cry together he has such a kind heart and boy do we laugh.. theirs much laughter in the home and I love it!!. Putting my husband first gives him a good feeling inside he thanks me with his dedication and hard work and the knowing of feeling safe and secure.

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My children have always come first. My ex-husband (the kids biological contributer) always made sure he was first so when I started dating my hubby I told him that he would never be first in my life, my children would always come before him. He told me that he would never put himself before the kids. I was raised to believe that children are special and your time with them is short so you get as much as you can with them. My husband understands this and believes it also. We get a lot of time together but if we plan something and something with Kota turns up (a concert, play etc) he knows that comes before our plans. I don't neglect my husband, we have plenty of time together. He gets off work around 6am and stays up until around 9:30am. My work schedule is usually 11am-7pm. When I get home from work he usually has supper made and we hang out until he leaves for work around 8PM.

Ronel - posted on 10/09/2009

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I always tell my kids, I have to love their dad first because in a few years time they will be living on their own ans it will only be us left. So we really try, just came back from a 2 night break away. It also helps if you have the most wonderful hubby, who still value the little things like standing up when a lady enters a room, opening and closing the door for me....I's so lucky and blessed with him

Carrie - posted on 08/28/2009

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I sure do. The kids come after the needs of us. I've even stayed home from work because of our needs. He's done the same for me. I wouldn't recommend it a lot. We do need jobs, but sometimes it is necessary.

Gracie - posted on 08/28/2009

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Definitely God is first, but my children do come before my husband. But he is never felt to feel like he is secondary. I balance the two.

Shelly - posted on 08/28/2009

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Quoting Maria:

Hi, Shelly. Call me old-fashioned, but I was raised in the sanctity of marriage and that once you take that vow to honor and cherish each other, a man's primary responsibility is towards his wife and a wife's primary responsibility is towards her husband next to God and above all else. Our relationship will build a foundation for our children to grow up on and also will provide that certain stability that they need in the process.


Maria,



   Than you you put it perfectly in a whole lot less words.  That is exactly what I was trying to express....So thank you for your post

Maria - posted on 08/27/2009

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Hi, Shelly. Call me old-fashioned, but I was raised in the sanctity of marriage and that once you take that vow to honor and cherish each other, a man's primary responsibility is towards his wife and a wife's primary responsibility is towards her husband next to God and above all else. Our relationship will build a foundation for our children to grow up on and also will provide that certain stability that they need in the process.

[deleted account]

I don't know about putting my husband first....Honestly it has never occured to me to put my family in any particular order. I love my husband and children but there are times when one needs my attention more than the other. My husband has always been great and even though we have three children, we both work full time jobs outside the home and are involved in various activities he has never felt neglected. There is time for everything and we do make a date night or mini getaway a priority for us as much as we can.

Mrs. Janice - posted on 08/25/2009

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I doafter God, a family is a husband and a wife, that how it was with Adam and Eve.

Shelly - posted on 08/24/2009

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Ladies,

What a wonderful statement that all of you try to put your marriage first and jennifer what I mean by this is some women once they have children put thier children over and above every thing else and think that thier husband can take care of him self and then when the children move away from home they are waking up to a stranger b/c they didn't take the time to nurture that relationship. I had one mom on one of my other circles that answered this question with "My husband is a big boy and can take care of his own needs My children are only here for 18 years and they need me!!" It's statements like that that just saddens me because these women don't understand that they are headed for a train wreck b/c they just don't understand that when you don't feed a living breathing thing it will die. And a marriage is very much a living changing thing and it needs to be feed daily and if you don't it dies.

Heidi - posted on 08/24/2009

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What a great question Shelly. I can't say for sure 100% that my husband comes first and foremost, because I put my childrens needs first a lot of the time, just not always. My husband and I are best friends and everyday we find at least an hour for just ourselves. I think to make a marriage work you have to make time for yourselves so you don't get lost in the day to day things going on. I truly do love my husband and we are the best of friends. His feelings come before mine, just like he puts my feelings before his. I make sure he is taken care of as well as my boys and he does the same for me.

Josia - posted on 08/24/2009

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I do. If the marriage is happy, we are happy and then our boy is happy. It begins with the both of us, if the two of us are harmonious, so is our child. Bed time is always 8pm for my son. If hubby is not working he will sometimes help with dinner so it is "team work" and we will finish off the night either reading a book together or chilling in front of the tv. We try to go on a date at least once a month and try to see and catch up with our friends. The rule is every time we take some time out for us, we take bubbie out for a day of doing whatever he wants to do (he's five) that way there is always a balance. We're really busy, i'm studying, we all play sports and he coaches sport and works full time, so at times its really hectic. But we always make sure we do three things: Give each other a hug and kiss after a long day, tell each other "I love you" everyday, and try to make each other laugh as often as we can. Then there are the times where we reevaluate ourselves, goals, marriage and just keep communicating. So i have to say yes, and you know what when you do that, and you keep each other as the priority, everything communication, each others needs, your childrens needs just fall into place. I love it!

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