Great husband, zero passion

Evone - posted on 07/06/2011

n one more thing all the advice is good that the other women are giving you..but if your like me..i have tried prayer, books, doctors, couseling, sex toys, materbating in front of him, watching porn with him..n nothing works..but i did find out that he keeps n touch with a ex who he considers a first love..it hurt like hell finding out only b/c he lied to me and she had already contacted me..they didnt cheat or anything cause we live in Pa n she live in the counrty=side of VA, but it made me wonder.. n now i have trust issue with him which is why i sleep on the couch also..but utlimately the choice to stay or go is urs to make

Evone - posted on 07/06/2011

this is my area girl...hey my name is E..and i posted about being in a sexless marriage a while back...i am 27 and my husband is 43..he was nevery really sexual in the past either..sand he has no issues either..can get it up and work it out...he tells me all the time thats just how he is too..listen to me baby girl.. you have decide whether sex is the best part of your realtionship or is it worth leaving him for..plain and simple..i have sex maybe once every two- six months..which when you factor that we have only been married almost two years. and he is my best friend seven years before marriage but i didnt give it to him often then,isnt much..i found out that the reason he doesnt want it soo much is because he likes to be the one to be spontaneous..its frustrating..i know but there was something about him that made you marry him right? now here is another thing you might be wondering..is he cheating? my answer is no..but thats just me..my husband is one of those few men that just likes to me married..n well we still argue because of the lack of romance but we are still together. try letting him know exactly how you feel. i told my husband the things he did to get me is the things he still needs to do to keep me..and i remind him that i am not a pet..but a woman who also has needs..and if it that still deosnt help..keep yourself busy...i have been sleeping on the couch for a year..because when i see him in the bedroom i instantly want sex..n i tell him hey i wouldnt want it so much if u gave it up..but try flipping the script...when he does come around for it cause they all do..tell him no...i thought i was the only one going through this..but im glad i can relate to you about it..the last thing is..n this is the hard part..decide if you can spend the rest of your life with him if there is no passion..some times men dont know unless u tell them..but if your like me n find yourself begging for sex..its time for you to put your life in order. lastly, i will tell this for sure..i am still debating whether to stay or move on..but when there are kids involved and being a stay at home mom with no income..it makes the decision hard as hell and he wont make it easier...good luck and keep in touch

Shellee - posted on 06/22/2011

can i switch you husbands??? well just the sexual part. that can be either a great thing or a bad thing. have you tried messages with out sex maybe that will be his thing. i know my husband wants sex but he never has had a passtion for it. well he feels more comfortable when im a lil tipsy. so he opens up a lil more. he feels judged. i dont think about his proformce other than my own. try differ things and go out one night a have a couple drinks maybe that will let hem express himself without feelin judged?

Kim - posted on 06/16/2011

Allison, besides going to a counselor, has he had a medical checkup. Maybe an imbalance in his hormones is causing his low libido. If that avenue has not been pursued, maybe it should.

Laura - posted on 06/16/2011

I know how you feel its like your trying everything you can to have that intimacy back into your life and share such an amazing experience that when he rejects you its makes you feel so unpretty, undesirable,alone and fat even.hink thats the worst feeling in the world is to be rejected my the love of your life when your at your most vulnrable state. It hurts so much for me to hear that other women are going through the same thing as you and I I have tried everything I can think of to get him in the mood but nothing has worked so far and I'm not sure things will ever change,

Candace - posted on 10/26/2009

Dear Allison-
I sounds like you have a wonderful husband, and that you have tried all sorts of different things. I think it's awesome that he was honest with you about liking really big women. Perhaps you could find out what it is about the big women that he really likes. I agree regarding the hormonal issues, I was in my late twenties and suffering early menopause brought on my polycystic ovarian syndrome. I take an herbal supplement to help me with that. Even taking a multivitamin might help. I would also say that the less you have sex, the less you'll want it. If it were me, this is what I would do. Don't worry about "sex". That's just going to make things worse. I know, easier said than done. Corner your husband somewhere and give him a passionate kiss. Wait until he's in the shower/tub and start with a hand job or oral sex, but don't bring it to climax. Take a day, don't wear panties, and then put his hand down your pants/up your skirt. When he gets in bed with you, masturbate in front of him, bring yourself to orgasm. I don't know what your husband does for a living, if it's high pressure, but consider the idea that he may want to be dominated. If you want to try the domination angle, try some lubrication with benzocaine (anal ease) and use it in conjuction with a vibrating prostate massager. Usually sexual attraction forms somewhere, perhaps his mother was a very big woman? But I wouldn't give up on a marriage with a wonderful man just based on sex, or the lack thereof. If he had been in an accident and was paralyzed from the waist down, and was UNABLE to perform, would you feel the same way? What if your husband thinks you're oversexed, and was considering ending the relationship because of that, would you feel it was a fair decision? I'm not trying to say you are, or that's the way he feels, I'm just trying to give you some perspective. If he's not suffering from depression, or perhaps a thyroid issue, or just imbalanced hormones, check with a sex therapist. This is simply a stumbling block, and you can get around it.

Sincerely,

Candace Scott

Treva - posted on 10/24/2009

These are all great ideas that these women are giving you but God is the answer. I dont know if you believe in Him or not but he created marriage so He knows what to do. Maybe try praying for your husband and you. Maybe God will show you something that you havent thought of. He knows everything. And He knows your husband. I'll pray for you guys. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Satan can sure mess up a marriage. Its not your fault. I pray for you guys and God Bless!

LORI - posted on 10/12/2009

I would like to know the same. My husband wasn't so wonderful in our early marriage (he drank a lot but never violent). 1 1/2 yrs ago he gave up drinking. Our bedroom time before was very fullfilling. Now there is no romance and maybe once every 2 months we have an "adult only" evening. We've done counsling and we've spoken with our doc also. My husband just turned 30 and should still be full of "drive". I wish i knew the magic awnser!

Maria - posted on 10/11/2009

28 is young to be losing interest in love-making specially with your own spouse, but have you both considered going to a sex therapist, if counseling hasn't helped? Is there any underlying medical condition that he's not saying or don't even know about himself that's causing this unusual event? Sometimes low levels of testosterone can cause libido to decrease. Be easy on him, stress will not do you both any good either. Sometimes, intimacy between a couple doesn't have to include sex. Try foreplay or just cuddling and caressing, and go from there slowly but attentively. You don't have to go all the way if he gets uncomfortable, just work it slowly until he's ready. Sometimes, patience is a very good virtue.

Tracy - posted on 10/10/2009

Have you tried adding toys into the mix? Maybe if he can use a vibrator on you as an starter.

Kimberly - posted on 10/10/2009

Maybe there is a chance that he has a hormon imbalance. I know we only think of women having this problem but men can too. And it would effect their sexual drive. It might be an idea to have him get some bloodwork done and see if that might be a possibilty.

Sherry - posted on 10/09/2009

Is he taking any kind of medication? Sometimes that could cause a problem. You guys are really too young to be going through this. My first thought was the same thing as Ashley's . . . Is he gay or possibly having an affair? I don't ever like to think the worse, and I know that you said he's there for you, but are you totally sure? Sometimes people do get tired with everything they have to do, but I'm 48 and my husband's almost 56 and sex is totally great (not quite as often as before) but wonderful!

Amber - posted on 10/09/2009

maybe hes the type that considers sex an activity for reproduction only? is he religious? im presbyterian and i know some people who feel that way.

ANGELIA - posted on 10/09/2009

ok im being serious,so dont think im poking fun or anything.maybe if he watches porn of big women, maybe that would be enough to get his libido up. i dont know how you feel about that.what are your measurements?maybe he thinks you are too thin and doesnt want to come out and say that?

Tracy - posted on 10/09/2009

have someone watch the kids overnite and use your imagination to drive in your arms you still got it

Allison - posted on 10/08/2009

Sadly I have tried many different things. When I have done things he normally just ignores it or makes jokes because he feels uncomfortable. Really I am starting to feel doomed for life. All of you have had great ideas and I think maybe going back to therapy would be a good thing and to keep trying. Thanks you Elisabete

Elisabete - posted on 10/08/2009

Of course i'm not an expert on the subject. All i can give you is my opinion. I think you need to make him desire you.. very much! Perhaps you could try some turn on like buying some lingerie and maybe do some striptease to turn him on. Choose some very sensual music and do some training 1st. Very important, don't let him touch you till you're sure he really wants to and can't wait any more. You can touch him but don't let him touch you. You have to be willing to do it though and don't feel like you're doing it for him only. It must be good to you as well. If you don't feel confortable doing it, then don't. Did you ever try something like that? Maybe it could help!

Allison - posted on 10/08/2009

Well I had two kids before we got married though we new each other from high school when we dated. We never had sex until about a month before we got married and he was 21 almost 22 at the time. He had never been with anyone else. For the longest time I just thought he was nervous but after six years of being married I really don't think so. Basically when we were trying to get pregnant was the only time we really had sex and well that did not take much effort. So we never really had a sex relationship ever, how do I get him to even know how to enjoy sex? Thanks so much Allison

Elisabete - posted on 10/08/2009

ow... that must be so hard... how did you use to react before you had kids? Was he like that before also? did you use to talk about it before you had kids?

Carly - posted on 10/07/2009

i'm not one for talking openly about sex, lol, to easily embarrased, but i do have a suggestion. if it is you who is frustrated, let him know. ask him to help you out. it doesnt even have to actualy be sex. buy yourself a toy and ask him to help you use it. he may even get turned on by it. he may not. but if you tell him your needs and let him know how important it is to you, he may be willing to play ;)

Toni - posted on 10/07/2009

Hit him where the heart is!! My husband and I have been together for 17 yrs, and four kids, when I noticed flames deflating I looked at what he likes to do with his spare time. Noticing it was hunting and watching football I got right into the game. Found cute dress that was all camouflage-he found me absolutely irressitable and was all over me. For next week I have found a sexy football tank of his favorite team-hope it goes just as well. Of course since learning about the hunting-I will be in the woods with my own 300 ultra mag to hopefully shoot my first deer. So I have learned that I like some of the things that he loves so dearly and thoroughly enjoy them too.

Allison - posted on 10/07/2009

I thank you and I really hope I can keep in mind that the rest of our relationship and love that we share is just as if not more important then the sex part.

Amanda - posted on 10/06/2009

Hi Allison!

Honey, don't you dare feel wrong about feeling the way you do. I totally see where you are coming from, in my opinion, intimacy is a major part of marriage. It is your time with each other to show your passion for one another and to express your love, if your not having that time....where does that leave YOU standing? Alone and unattractive...at least that is how I would feel for sure. People can give you all of the advice in the world but is it really going to help? Obviously not, you know that if you have seen a few therapists. This is something that is either going to have to run its course, or be dealt with very quickly. It's good that you guys talk about it instead of it being bottled up. But never ever stay with someone just because you don't want to be alone, I have known so many women like that and all it did was make them even more miserable wishing they were with someone they could really be with. Good luck with this issue and I hope you two get through this! Marriage isn't easy, but both of your wants and needs should definitely be on the table and addressed! Oh and by the way, I am 23, I have 3 little girls, 3 months, 2 yrs. and 3 yrs. I am a full time student and stay at home mom and my husband and I have been married for almost 5 years so I know things can get difficult ;)

Jennifer - posted on 10/06/2009

Hey, just wanted to reiterate the taking time to think it through. I know you are frustrated, I can tell! But you said he's a great father and husband, so imagine your life without him. When my hubby leaves for a few days I hate it! Doing everything by myself all the time without any help is terrible! And I just have 2 kids, you said you have 4! Look into the sex therapist, try everything! If the intimacy is the only problem, try to fix that before giving up on the relationship. Feelings are not wrong, you are allowed to feel how you feel. I hope things get better for you!

Allison - posted on 10/05/2009

thanks for your thoughts and ideas, it makes me feel better knowing that I am okay feeling this way.

Nicole - posted on 10/05/2009

I think you're probably frustrated and tired and sick of feeling rejected but you have to ask yourself what you're willing to give. Can you see yourself leaving him and being on your own? Do you think you'll be happier, stable enough? It's not wrong to feel the way you feel but you should make sure that whatever you decide is going to improve your life and the lives of your kids. Make sure you take the time you need to consider a course of action. If he is willing to go to sex therapy and you go with him and it doesn't work you can still call it quits. Think about all your options.

Allison - posted on 10/05/2009

I really am trying to be supportive of him but I think I am at the point of calling it quits. I cannot change him, he is who he is even through all the therapy and doctors.We have not seen a sex therapist but I know he would be willing to go, I just don't know if I am anymore. I know this is not how I should be feeling and it is wrong but these feelings get stronger and stronger. Think I have a lagitamte reason to feel this way?

Nicole - posted on 10/05/2009

There are people who just literally have no libido, they're just born that way. Maybe he fits into that category? I would recommend seeing a sex therapist, not just any counselor because you really need expertise in this area. Meds are not going to help much. I would recommend, if he is willing to work a little, that he start trying to masturbate 2-3x a week. Sometimes you can increase libido by doing that. Also see if when he isn't in the mood he'd be willing to engage in oral sex, a massage, or take a shower together. The most important thing is that you don't blame yourself, it really sounds like you're being supportive of him.

-I took Honors Advanced Human Sexuality during college so I do know a thing or two.

Ashley - posted on 10/05/2009

=( I hope this getts better somehow. He sounds like a great person but I'm sure If i were in your shoes I'd feel the same way.

Allison - posted on 10/05/2009

We have had this conversation for years. We have discussed it with the gay topic, sexual abuse as a kid, fear of not doing well and so many others but we get no where every time. A couple of months ago in bed he said to me that he had a secret. So after hearing that he like bigger women like really big I was shocked to hear that. But even then him confessing that has not made him change from what he has always been. We had sex just to make kids and that is it. Sometimes I wish I could picture him cheating or something so I would at least know he is okay but nope. He is always there for me and the kids, like gum on my shoe. I am so lost on this and don't know what to do. At therapy he did not even talk about it, going alone didn't get him anywhere, the doctor gave him depression meds and nothing. I don't know what to think of the situation anymore. How can I be in love with someone who is like a best friend not a lover? Thank you so much Ashley

Ashley - posted on 10/04/2009

oh wow! Is there a possibility of him being gay? (I promise I don't mean that as an insult so please don't take it that way) I just can't imagine my husband going more than a week without intimacy. Have you brought this up to him or your counselor?