How do I un-brain wash my husband about how many babies to have?

Karen - posted on 10/26/2010

God put us on the earth to grow up, get married and have children. So who decides how many you have? Well my husband and I decided to stop at 4. 3 of my own and my sweet step daughter. So the only ones that have the power to decide is you, your husband, and God. Because even if you have a tubal,like they told you, you can still get pregnant and carry a baby full term. It is very rare but it is your body and his family doesn't have control of it. If you follow the advice of others and go to counseling make sure that your counselor has the same religious beliefs as you.
Best of Luck!
p.s. Remember the 90/10 Principle
90% of what happens to us, we have no control over.
but the 10% that we can control is our reaction.
I'm Sure that you can figure out a way to handle this situation. Even though you don't agree with his family,you must have liked them to begin with, ask yourself one question. Would you sacrifice your family if the tables were turned?
Remember God's commandment to Love One Another as Thy Self!

Laurie - posted on 10/26/2010

Well Tiffany I sympathize with you...I can relate to what you are feeling. I have lived this for 20 yrs and we got to the point where enough is enough. I hate for you to have to go through this for as long as I did so my suggestion is you and your husband get on the same page regardless what "they" think you should do this is your LIFE and MARRIAGE. I will tell you it isn't easy to make some of the decisions we have had to but me and my husband and kids are closer than ever and that is all I am concerned about. They are more than welcome to be a part of our life but now it is on OUR terms. Good Luck :)

Kim - posted on 10/22/2010

No Family is perfect,but when you get married it is only to that person,their Family becomes your Family but Families have to let couples live their own life,and have their own values in place.You and your Husband have to decide on having another baby,not you your Husband and extended Family members.Its hard to marry in to another Family if the Family has different ideas they you do.Talk to your Husband and you will get through every thing.Take 1 day at a time.

Priscilla - posted on 10/20/2010

Ugh...cant stand that either!!! My husband has an aunt who says "Nobody needs more than 1 child!" However, in the end its up to you. You can not let ANYONE not your parents or his, not your family or his to tell you how to live your life. They will one day die and you will be left there with your life and not happy because you 'LISTENTED' to them. If 3 kids is what you want then my all means GO FOR IT! What are they going to do, ignore the third child? If they do then cut them out! My mom used to complain how I should not have had 4 kids...yes I have 4 (I only believe in having even number of children...not odd) She would say when I would have hard days "See that's why you shouldn't have had so many kids" One day I snapped back "Ok mom, which two girls don't you like the most...Ill make sure they are sent away...or maybe I should hire someone!" I got PISSED OFF AT WHAT SHE WAS SAYING TO ME!!! that made her stop...she hasn't said that to me anymore. Even though I was harsh to my mom It made her realize what she was really saying...that my girls were a burden and causing me to suffer. What my hubby and I look forward to is the large family gatherings when our girls have their own families...I am happy that we tell them its up to them to decide how many kids to have. They all want four they tell me "Well you have four and your a good mama and so I think Ill have four too" the holidays will be fun! As for the death incident...yeah...thats nuts! My grandpa died and we were all there when he was being treated...he had a massive heart attack. Almost all the family was there. But once he passed, my mom, her brother and sister, their kids and grand kids got to see him. THEN WE LEFT! Only a few family members stayed to take care of funeral arrangements.

Erin - posted on 10/16/2010

Couples counselling, couples counselling, couples counselling. It really made both my husband and I see that we were on the same page of raising our children and that we both felt that his parents remarks and opinions bothered the both of us. I won't get too far into my story, but if you feel like he's not quite there support wise then you both need to have a heart to heart with a counsellor. Dealing with opposition all the time will make a distance between you and his family. One thing I learned is that no matter how much you try to make yourself heard, his family will never change. I repeat they will never change. If they can't change you, you can't change them. You control your happiness, they don't. Just as they control their happiness which you are not responsible for, something your husband needs to understand as well. We've been on a break from my husbands family for over a year and a half now. Obviously we're not ready to see them yet and they the same. It's really sad to hear from others that your in law says she doesn't have grandchildren. But as far as I'm concerned, they are responsible for their happiness. Not me. They won't change, it's unfortunate but true. I sat crying with my four year old because he thought that his gramma didn't love him. Something I could never forgive her for. I read somewhere before that there are really only 9 or 10 very miserable people in the world, you just run into them all the time :) Again, couples counselling, even if only for a few times. They ask you to do assignments and such wich will keep the both of you involved. Remember you chose to have a family together, this is both of your responsibility that you can't opt out on. Good luck. I really hope you find a way to coexists with them :) There's not much of an alternative as you can see.
Oh and that money thing...f**k her, she's a grown woman who's responsible for herself. I hate it when people feel that they're owed something. As parents it's our responsibility to raise our children, prep them for their lives ahead of them and let them go into the world with love. When we say we make sacrifices for our children that's what it is, we don't get retro pay.

Jennifer - posted on 10/09/2010

Wow I vote for moving away!

Jayde - posted on 10/07/2010

Your post reminds me of Everybody Love Raymond.. I feel for you hun, i'd love to have some family around us- even if they were a bit crazy. Hope you get to have your 3rd :)

Jane - posted on 10/01/2010

only you know when all the members of your family have arrived, not his family.

Betty - posted on 09/29/2010

I have been married 15 years and my husband and I have been together have been together for over 18 years. I may not have any right posting a comment but I just wanted put my 2 cents in. My husband lost his mother at age 14 and My father in law passed a few years back. So therefore we never had any kind of problems like that. But as far as dealing with your husband on the situation, just sit down together and have a long talk. If he wants to have another child then do it. When you are around your in laws do not speak about your business at all. Ecspecially if you know they will have a problem with it. As far as the death and hospital thing, IDK When my grp died they called my grm and we all went because we are a close family. Of course he was in a nursing home not hospital so I am really not going to comment on that. If his mother needs help financially and she really needs it then you should be more than willing if you are able. However, the question being if she needs it, does she need it because she is careless with her money, does she spend it on un necessary items like bingo or gambling or drinking. Just a thought.

Stephanie - posted on 08/06/2010

To Rachael Martin :

Whoaa ! That was totally uncalled for on Tiffany's behalf. She never once said that she didn't have an amazing husband. It sounds like she wants to help her husband, so that he can be even more amazing, but just needs some advice on how to go abouts doing it. It is NOT HIM that is the problem. It is his family. From her post, I hear nothing but complaints about his family, and how THEY control him and her descions. That at all does not make him a bad father or husband, it just means that he is stuck between a rock and a hard spot, and doesn't know what to do. I am sure we all have been in a tough situation before and looked for advice. I believe brainwashed is probably the best word to describe it after reading this, as he believes his family is right, but in the back of his mind still wants 3 children. So all in all, I do not think that what you have said was appropriate, nor do I believe that you have answered the post.





And to answer your post Tiffany, I believe that you should have a talk with your husband, if it comes to it, take him to counselling with you so you get a outside perspective on the situation, and if worst comes to worst, tell his family to mind their own buisness (nicely of course). I do believe in helping with the bills every once in awhile, because whether it be your parents or his, they both put money toward you guys as a child. All I can say is that do what you have to do. It is your family, and you do what you think feels right. There is no point in feeling miserable for the rest of your lives if you feel that 1 more child would complete your family, and you decide to not do it because someone else thinks its not right to have more than 2. Think about how you would regrett not having your third because someone said no. This is yours and your familys happiness on the line. Not theirs..



P.S. Sorry I am very blunt and opinionated but everything I say is what i believe.

Lisa Marie - posted on 08/06/2010

Tiffany,
It sounds like there are soul ties in place. There is an emeshement between family members.It is generations deep which means it is strong. Even so, you have the power to change the situation yourself through prayer and fasting. There is a great little book called Ridding your Home of Spiritual Darkness by Chuck Pierce you may want to pick up. I have done this in my home and was amazed with the results.
If it were me, I would spend time fasting and praying maybe dinner a few nights a week. I would also commit to edifying my husband at every opportunity, especially in situations that are NOT related to his family or my concerns. Build up his confidence in his own ability to decide for himself apart from his family's influence.
Blessings

Michelle - posted on 08/06/2010

it sounds like you need to not only confront your husband with this but also your husbands family, you're right it is your life, when your husband said his i do's he not only gave himself to you but he also accepted that not everything was going to be the way "his family" wanted it. and if they continue to talk over you, pull them aside one by one, stand tall and let them know that this line of communication really bothers you...(different scenario, same circumstance) i once had one of my inlaws offer to take my daughter for a day, they then repeatedly phoned saying that they still needed to converse with their spouse, but by the end of the phonecalls it turned into "i dont know if we're going to bingo" it hurt me that bingo could be more important than a child, and thats any child. i answered the phone next and told them that if bingo was more important than they shouldnt bother. i kept getting talked over just like you do and eventually i hung up the phone... although you cant nessecarily hang up the phone when you're there in person, you can express yourself and if they refuse to listen, you have the right to leave, family or not if you've become uncomfortable with the situation at hand, you have the right as a valid human being to step away from it.
sincerely, tired of watching mothers get stepped on by everyone who thinks they know better!

Amanda - posted on 08/06/2010

You should talk to him, and tell him to be honest about what he really wants.. whatever that may be and go with it.

And, i though this whole website was for us to support each other NOT be completely rude. We all have amazing husbands, does that mean they are perfect?? NO.. so we ask each other for advice.. Not to mention the title of this post was pretty clear if you did not like it you did not have to read it.

Jamie - posted on 08/05/2010

I say talk to your husband, and give him a chance to step up to the plate. I have only been married for 3 years, but I know that it can be hard for a man to stand up to his mom. She raiseed him afterall. I calmly sat down with my husband and told him how much his mother hurt me, and he stood up after 2 years of marriage. I admit he had to put his mother in her place several times before she understood, but it is all in the past now. Also, watching my man do that caused me to love and respect him even more!!! Good luck.

Rachael - posted on 08/05/2010

I am sorry, but isn't this the I have a GREAT husband community? Shouldn't we do the husband bashing in one of the other communities? I joined this one because my husband is AMAZING! While no one is perfect, this is where we are supposed to go to brag about our men, not bring them down. Saying a man has been "brainwashed" by his family and he isn't capable of standing up to him is NOT what this community was created for. Maybe if YOU stop nagging him and accusing him of being incapable of making his own decisions he will come around and his greatness will shine through. It is possible that he doesn't want any more kids and just doesn't want to tell you.

Crissy - posted on 08/05/2010

my husband and i have been together for 11 years now and it was my family well my dad who did not think i needed to have any more children after my first was born. I now have 4 children 2 were very sick babies but their great now and i am very happy. my dad accepts all my children. after you are preg. there is nothing they can do. they can say what ever they want but it will not change the fact that you are having another baby. as for your husband tell him to follow his heart if he wants to have 3 kids then that is his choice not his family's. Good luck to you, hope you have that third baby if that is what you both want.

Patricia - posted on 08/04/2010

This is between you and your husband. PERIOD.

Dana - posted on 08/03/2010

I'm with Alicia Evans on this. In my opinion, this is the best way to handle it. Parents are to love and raise our children, but there is a point where parents are no longer responsible or accountable. This happens when children become adults. It's the natural order of things, we're born, we grow, we become adults, and we continue the cycle. You and your husband have the right to decide your lives in just the same manner that his parents decided theirs...without dictation or interrferance. Afterall, it was the two of you that took vows, not his entire family and you. Sounds like your husband needs a little extra loving push to cut those apron strings. As Alicia said, communicate calmly, but firmly with him about this situation.

Alicia - posted on 08/01/2010

Hi, just out of curiousity - how long have you been married and how old is your hubby?

I personally think that once you get married - they are your FAMILY. Of course his parents, etc are still in important but you and your kids are his number one priority. I cannot relate to your situation as my husband does not care what his family thinks about any of our decisions (but in saying this - we are lucky, they do not interfere like yours, however there have been times when they have 'suggested' (i.e in other words TOLD us what we should do) but my husband firmly (and politely) tells them 'thanks for the advice, however it is OUR decision). On the otherhand my sister's husband never stands up for her and her kids against his mother (and she sounds like the 'mother-in'law' from hell)....however he is now just starting to stand up to her. Seems like it just takes some time (for you to grow stronger as a couple and also the guy to 'man up'....haha you know they don't mature as quick as us...haha). As you get older I think also you don't worry what people think about you - you start doing what you want (after all it is your life)...

If I could give any advice, it is to talk to your husband...and I mean really talk and not just comments here and there. Best also not to talk to him about it when you are angry/annoyed. Go for a walk with him or sit him down and talk seriously about it and how it is effecting you. If it is something that you both truly want, (he has to want it too) you really need to get the communication happening as you would know after having kids already how time 'flies'.

We too have two children and have been discussing the possibity of a third. Both of his parents think we should just keep it to two however I know that they will love any new little one should we go again. At the end of the day it is a proven fact that it is impossible to 'keep everyone happy'....so I say you need to make sure you put your family (i.e you, your hubby & kids) before anyone else - that is the most important thing in your lives.

Hope you work it out.....aaaaagh families....lucky you can 'choose your friends' hey :) Good luck.

P.S. Whist my hubby's family does not really interfere in our lives much - I cannot say the same for my family....haha so my poor hubby gets 'sick of them'....but I never put them before him and they know that but still love me anyway :)

Rachael - posted on 08/01/2010

When you marry a man you marry his family. He will not "stand up" to his family, neither should you, you never know when you may need that "crazy" closeness. you do not have to listen to them. your husband can decide to have a 3rd child if he wants without explaining it. just do it, they will love #3 as much as 1 and 2.

Chantel - posted on 08/01/2010

Hi, I will be married for 8 years in Oct. I had some what same isues, not so bad and my husband couldn't care less of what his mom says. Which did not keep her from trying to put her nose where it does not belong.
When I had my first child I was 20, she tried telling us what to do. I asked her very nicely to leaf us allone as we have our own ideas and ways, she did not like this. She had a usage argument with me, I ended up leaving her house and told my husband it was his choice to where he want's to be her or us. He did join me and our son. After that I kept my distance for about 3mhts and then invited them to a braai. Sudenly we where best friends ever, now I couldn't ask for a better mother (mother in law), I think she needed to see that I could look after her boy and his son with out her help, that I am just as strong (personality) as she is and that I stand for what I believe in.
I am not saying that this will work for you and it does not sound like you will ever be best friend, maybe just better friends. You do need to put some space between the family, your husband you and your children need to spend time alone. Make plans like going to the beach or for lunch ect. and when or if they complain throw a deaf hear or just say "Oh Well". If your hubbie is as attached to them this might be upsetting to him,just try doing things he likes, do not argue with him about them ( he cannot change who they are) and keep his mind off them. You will soon realise that they appreciate you more, and will be interested in whats going on in your live when they do see you and therefor will not have time to complain. Hope this helps

Mae - posted on 07/30/2010

I have a feeling that this will not be a popular response and I am sincerly sorry for that: I feel that you husbands family is very close and while I don't condone them telling you how many children you can have (which seems very controling) Idon't think that they are crazy for calling the entire family together when someone dies nor do I necessarily feel it is wrong for his mother to ask for help in paying her bills when she has given up a lot in her younger days to provide for him (as have almost every mother I have met) put yourself in his shoes sometimes especially when it comes to spouse we may agree with them just to prevent a fight or to not hurt their feelings. If your husband truely wants 3 children then just gently tell him it's his choice not his family's. In the end your husband should be the one dealing with his family. Just keep talking with him. I hope it all turns out.

Sabrina - posted on 07/28/2010

It sounds like to me that they will never get it. No matter who says what to whoever. They will always be that way. If you say anything or your husband says anything it will be just looked over and they will act like they never heard it. Or they will forever hold it against you. Is your husband opposed to moving further away. Maybe to give a little more space between you. I think you need to have a talk with your husband. What are they going to do if you do get pregnant again? It doesn't sound like they have anything to hold against you so other than them saying stuff to you which might be annoying but you hold all the cards. They don't have any control over either of you its your life and I think you need to maybe take your husband to couples counseling. Maybe having an extra person to talk to may convince him that his family doesn't make the decisions for his own family. Good Luck!

Veronica - posted on 07/28/2010

You need to tell the family how you feel and deal with it and also tell your husband that if he doesn't say something then you are not going to see his family. He can take the kids but you are not going.

Karen - posted on 07/27/2010

This is coming from someone who's been married for 22yrs here...if your husband hasn't stepped up to the plate yet and handled the situation with his family, then he probably won't. You're going to have to get downright rude with them and tell them point blank, mind your own business and stay out of mine. It's no one's decision but you and your husband's as to how many children to have. Granted, in this day and time, there's no way I'd bring any child into this world but that's me.

Brittany - posted on 07/27/2010

Sounds like my husband's actually... only without the hospital thing thankfully... although no one has died while I've been around. Anyway, in all honesty we just plan on telling them off.

Tiffany - posted on 07/23/2010

oh yea, and also, she use to dive by our house when we wernt home and call us and demand she knew where we were and tell us we needed to get home cuz it was getting late. SHE IS CRAZY

Tiffany - posted on 07/23/2010

I dont push my husband into the idea at all. I rarely talk to him about it. And the hosppital thing isnt the only thing that they are weird about. If one goes to the bathroom, the other litteraly follows. I have asked his gma a question before and she started the sentance and three others in the family finished it. His mom had to go a mile up the road to get gas one day and the gma mom and aunt all had to go. If you only knew all the things that go on you would understand. They have even made a comment to me before that i should get a tubal cuz i was getting to old to have kids.... IM 21!!!!!!!! His family dont only interfear with weather or not nwe have kids, they interfear with our financial things, they ask us for money constantly, with there being 5 incomes coming into pretty much one home. They have major seperation problems too. His mom is in her 50s and lives in her mothers yard, his aunt is in her 50s and still lives with her mnother and the two uncles he has didnt move out of the mothers yard till they were in their 30s and had families. Us and his sister both moved to the next city over, not even 10 min away and she got mad and told us we HAD to buy a mobile home and move in her yard. AND WAS DEAD SERIOUS. I talk to them about them gettin into our buisness and they say "YEA WELL" and walk off. His mom has straight up told me before it made her mad that her two kids are both living in nice houses while she is stuck in a moblie home. She uses us for money BAD and we only have 1 oncome, but she dont know we are making it with no problem what so ever, but she thinks we are struggling and still BEGGS us for money. She beggs us to pay her bills, and she has 2 jobs. I dont want anyone makeing up excuses for them because she is a money hungry woman. If everyone here knew them, you would see what im talking about. There is not a single person that has met them that hasnt said "Is there something wrong with them?" My husband agrees with everything i feel about them and ive told him to say something about staying out of our buisness. He always says ok and never does and then later says its cuz he didnt feel like hearing them complain. She use to go as far, and sometimes still does, as to tell me what my kids HAVE to wear on certain days. Thats why i believe he is brain washed cuz he has lived with them and is just now realizing their ways arnt the only ways

Lisa - posted on 07/23/2010

I personally think that if you get pushy with your husband it might make him stress which could create more worry. Maybe try ways of suggesting the idea and making your hubby feel like he came up with the idea.

As for the interfering family. All you can do is talk to your hubby about how it makes you feel. Maybe also talking to the family stating your feelings, but in a way so that they won't think your being nasty.

I do not disagree with the family going to the hospital when his granpa is dying as it gives the family a chance to say goodbye. Some people find it a way of coping with there loss if they were able to say goodbye.

goodluck hope everything works out.