How do you learn to trust him again!

Stephanie - posted on 12/10/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I found out about a yr ago my hubby was sneakin and texting his ex girlfriend and talkin to her on the phone and although he apologized and swore nothing was going on between them and i spoke with her and she backed up his story i still can't get over the fact that he keep it a secret from me. He said he kept it from me because he knew i would not approve and he tried to stop communicating with her he told her to stop callin and textin him a few weeks into it because he felt bad about doing it behind my back but she kept sending him texts and it started back up and lasted as long as six months before i found out about it so what do i do to get over his betrayal and move forward with my marriage becasue at the end of it all i really love him we have 3 kids together he is an excellent father and great husband besides this so how do i rebuild the trust and my marriage i try not to say anything to him about it but its still lurkin in my mind whether or not this issues is going to come up again.

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Jamie - posted on 04/22/2010

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to trust is to believe... do you believe him? if you do then his actions will strengthen your trust. how long? well that is up to you, when you stop reliving the pain it caused you and begin to accept his actions as trustworthy then it wont lurk anymore.
I had to allow myself to grieve then I had to stop myself from reliving "the moment" and stop reliving the hurt.

Arminda - posted on 12/27/2009

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Forgiveness is hard.. hence trusting. but what i can say is if you wanted to have this fixed, you need your man's cooperation. you cannot do this alone. thinking things over and over will start to eat you. i suggest you try to talk this to your husband. be open and do not start a fight. like you wanted to trust him again 100% but you're having this negative thoughts... and then ask him to help you get through this. you'll both know how much you love each other but there's this issue that's been blocking you to go back to normal. remember just one thing, every issues in your life as a couple will just be resolved by the two of you. goodluck.

Ellen - posted on 04/23/2010

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You have to make your own choices and for me it has been hard but you have to chose if you want to trust him again or not and when you catch yourself not trusting and wondering whats happening behind your back you have to force it out of your mind and find something else to do to keep your mind out of the "what if's" I personally try to do something to keep my hands busy and my thoughs like gardening or scrapbooking or playing with the kids or something like that. My hubby and I have split up a couple of time and after a month of being without each other we always end up back together cause we cant stand to be away, also it helps to know he chose you! you are the one he comes home to you are the one he lives with you are the one he shares his bed with. So no matter what has happened in the past what are his current choices.

Mapule - posted on 12/10/2009

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learning to trust again is not easy. Im not sure whether it ever really happen that you trust a spouse 100% again after a betrayal. I discovered an affair 4 years into my marriage of 10 years. It took me 5yrs just to be able to speak about it. Im no sure if i completely trust him but we have come a long way. he has tried to show me he is sorry and mended his ways. That after so long has helped me accept. I think i can say i have forgiven him. trust, on the other hand is something else. I hope, like the forgiveness part, some day i can confirm it happens again. but for now, dont try to gain trust, rather, try to forgive him. natural once u forgive, u have a clean slate u will find u can atleast give him the benefit of the doubt!!!.

Maryke - posted on 02/18/2014

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hi there. its not easy when your trust has been bended or broken by someone like a hubby or wife. I know what im talking about and its a road im also walking. not always an easy one. its good that you did not just opt for a divorce but that you went for the road of building and working this out, its normally the difficult road to take in anyway. I can tell you from my own experience that I still thing about my issue all the time and it takes a lot of renewal of the mind to really go out of your way to think the best of him in order not to doubt. doubt is an ugly thing. it causes so many little foxes in your relationship and can lead to bitterness. so I don't really want to give advice as I do struggle with my own thing too but all I can add is.. act in love think in love talk in love. this will make you grow and increase you. as we cant really control others what they do or say or think, one day we are all accountable for our own deeds ... so if we act in love now we can try and grow in love now

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Rabbi - posted on 02/23/2014

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Lilianfe - posted on 04/25/2010

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if your hubby is repentant telling you not to do the bad act again,,then forgiveness follows, yet whenever there'll be repetitious of those said act..is a big thing!!,,,But still just because i love my hubby ..in God's grace he's totally forgiven..learn from the past "forget and forgive,.let bygones be bygones..." Consider then the goodness in him..

Christina - posted on 04/22/2010

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I see you posted this question in December of last year, so I don't know how you have been coping since then, but if you are still looking for advice, here's mine (given from experience) :
Continue to give it time. you were hurt, and just like physical wounds, it takes time to heal. Part of the healing process is talking about what is bothering you, how you felt, how you feel now, getting his side of it (even if you have heard it 100 times before). If it's important to him that you heal and move on, he will be your support through it, and answer any question you have, every time you ask.
When my husband and I were engaged, he started talking to his ex again, and he actually told me that he loved her and was thinking about leaving me! Of course he came to his senses, but it was only recently that I truly got over it and was able to move past the hurt. Again, it takes time, and make sure you don't ever bottle up your feelings. Keep them in the open. Not only will it help you recover, but it will show your husband how deeply you were hurt because of it and it will probably be a constant reminder to him of the importance of faithfulness in every shape and form.

Hope this helps.

Cheryl - posted on 04/09/2010

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I just found out that my husband of 3 years cheathed on me for 5 months...mostly sex texts but physical twice, with a woman at his work. We had the long talks to clear the air so to speak. Talked about what we both took for granted to lead to this, what we both want from each other in the future, etc. He is trying to show me that he wants to be with me and no one else, to show me how much he loves me and regrets hurting me/us and our family. I told him that if I found out it ever happened again in the future..there would be no more chances..this was his only chance to make this better for us. My problem is that I keep thinking about the texts I saw and flashes in my mind about the physical. It has only been 3 weeks since I found out. I'm trying very hard not to think about it and move forward with him to have a healthy, happy marriage again. Trust and complete forgiveness is going to take time I realize but how do you stop thinking about what happened so you can move forward?

Stephanie - posted on 12/26/2009

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Thank you all for your advice,help and kind words I really truly do appreciate it and i'm takin in bits and pieces from each of your messages and i'm doing my best to work on my marriage I truly love my hubby more than words can say and i know in my heart he loves me too just the same guys i'm learning just make the dumbest mistakes and sometimes their mistakes cause the women they love pain its just how it is

Hazel - posted on 12/17/2009

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Trust takes time. It doesn't mean your marriage is over if you can't trust him right now. I'm going through trying to trust my husband again right now cause he became good friends with a female while deployed to Afghanistan for 11 months. He continued that friendship because he said there was nothing going on and if he ever became friends with another female at work he didn't want to go through this again. He didn't realize why I felt emotionally cheated on until he came home and we got into a huge arguement over it. He is said she's happily maried and he is also so he didn't think it was a big deal since all they talked about was us, their families. Plus she was more like a little sister. I got in touch with her and she confirmed everything he said and even wanted to meet me but I wasn't having it and told her she needed to stay clear of my family. She's been out of contact with him since they came back home but I still wonder if she talks to him at work and he maybe doesn't tell me. Before he told me they hardly hung out but she told me they did hang out a lot but they were never alone, it was just at work. Then he said he didn't tell me cause he knew I'd be mad. That's were my trust issue comes in. We had a LONG talk and I told him what my deal breakers were and that we needed to respect eachother. If I don't like someone or he doesn't then we need to keep our distance from them. It hasn't been easy. I also checked his facebook and phone to see if he was still in touch with her and so far nothing. So that's how I've learned to forgive him. But I can't forget and the trust is not at 100% anyomore. When someone we love so much messes up it's hard to earn that trust again when you now know how easy it is to mess up again since we're all human. I'm sure he loves you since he put a stop to it after you talked to him. I've been married for 5 years and we have 3 kids. Two from my ex and 1 with him. Maybe we should all keep the fire going by planning a date once or twice a month. If you can't get a sitter then do something special at home after the kids are in bed.
Hang in there!

Jane - posted on 12/16/2009

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If you don't have trust your relationship is over or @ least that's how I feel w/ my hubby. You have to put it out of your mind & completely forgive him to move forward. Not trusting him will kill your marriage. I know I sound harsh & I don't want to seem mean but if you want to make it work you have to truely forgive & forget; heart & mind. My hubby would get one chance & then if he did it again it would be over because I would never be able to trust again & I won't be in a relationship if I can't completely trust my own husband. It's an unspoken rule in my house but my hubby & I know that if we have to hide anything from each other we should not be doing it, period! Not trusting or any kind of jealously will eat you up from the inside out & only get worse w/ time. Please try to find it in yourself to forgive him & move forward in your marriage, if you have to try marriage counseling it certainly can't hurt.

Lynn - posted on 12/15/2009

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I think that its great that your husband put a stop to the communication before you had to put a stop to it.....

I am friends with all of my husbands female friends and he is friends with all of my male friends. He doesnt talk to anyone that I do not know and I do not talk to anyone that he doesnt know.

Candice - posted on 12/11/2009

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Having been the one that had been doing the sneaking around and staying with my husband it has been very difficult for him but the best piece of advice I can give you is friends of the opposite sex do not exist. This will save alot of worring and hardship when hes just going out with the boys. Its one less thing you'll have to worry about as long as he sticks to the game plan

Shelly - posted on 12/11/2009

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Stephanie,
You need to sit down and have a very open conversation with your husband, the type of talk were you hold nothing back. If you can't resolve this you don't have much of a marriage. Every thing can be worked through as long as your willing to be open an honest with each other if you can't do that then you will never beable to get past this, So irt's time to call your husband out and let him know that he hurt you and how he hurt you and why you feel like it was such a betrail...Honesty is the only way to get through this!!!!

Stephanie - posted on 12/11/2009

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Quoting Mapule:

learning to trust again is not easy. Im not sure whether it ever really happen that you trust a spouse 100% again after a betrayal. I discovered an affair 4 years into my marriage of 10 years. It took me 5yrs just to be able to speak about it. Im no sure if i completely trust him but we have come a long way. he has tried to show me he is sorry and mended his ways. That after so long has helped me accept. I think i can say i have forgiven him. trust, on the other hand is something else. I hope, like the forgiveness part, some day i can confirm it happens again. but for now, dont try to gain trust, rather, try to forgive him. natural once u forgive, u have a clean slate u will find u can atleast give him the benefit of the doubt!!!.



So how did you start forgiving him? I love my husband i really do and i want to believe him when he said they were just catching up but I still feel like he left something out and i don't think i can start to forgive him until i know everything but he is sticking to his story that they were just talkin as friends i saw the phone bill and they were talkin just about everyday early in the mornign on his ways to work  or on his way home or at time texting while i was right next to him and everytime his phone go off i wonder who it is, or if he is tellin me the truth when i ask him something because keeping a secret is just like telling a lie right? so i want this to be over i really do i just dont know how to let go.

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