I have trouble wanting sex

Brianna - posted on 04/23/2010 ( 35 moms have responded )

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Me and my hubby have been married 2 years, we used to have sex almost everyday, we now have a 6 month old and i find myself dreading sex. I love my hubby with all my heart and i want to show him but i cant find the energy or motivation to have sex with him. I dont know why, i WANT to have sex, I like the IDEA of sex but I just cant get into it any more. We do have sex about once a week sometimes only 3x a month but I know we would both like it more. I miss the feeling of me WANTING him more than anything and loving it! Now I just feel like it's too much work. Whats wrong with me? Why don't I like sex any more? Any ideas that might help me get motivated?

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Rachael - posted on 04/26/2010

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I stuggle with the same thing...one thing I have tried that helps is to think about having sex with my husband all day. Remembering how the foreplay feels, thinking about the best times we did it, thinking of the nice things he does for me etc...I picture it in my head and more often than not I am so horny by the time we fall into bed that I jump his bones! There are distractions at times but it works for me most times.

I also try to do intimate things with him to let him know that I still want him even though I can't muster the energy for sex. I'll surprise him in the shower, hang some sexy underwear from his rear view mirror, etc -- it does help to stimulate those feelings and get your juices flowing again.

Rebekah - posted on 05/26/2010

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Maybe it's time for a change of pace. My suggestion to you would be find a babysitter, go out and have fun like you used to do before you had baby, then when you come home just have fun enjoying each others company, explore each other and possibly try experimenting. Just have fun, that's all that matters. It will take the stress away, and make it seem A). Less hurried, and B). Less like a chore. My husband and I have a month old daughter, and we learned really that sex was going to be a bit of an adventure. We found a babysitter, had dinner, watched a movie, rented a hotel room, got drunk, and had wild crazy sex lol.

Hope this helps, and good luck :)

Aenea - posted on 05/02/2010

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I would have to say that nothing is wrong with you at all. Every women goes through this after having a child. Some longer then other, some shorter then others. What I did was let him know how I was feeling and for me I like to have spontanious, role playing, freeky sex. The thing that really turns me on regardless on how I was feeling whatever, is for my man to dance for me in a thong to my favorite song or any of our songs that has some type of memory. It works, cant go to a male review club doesnt work not appealing never been in one, only want his thang swinging in my face. LOL! Sounds like you also need time for you, maybe do a weekend alone get reaquainted with yourself and well rested, that might work also. Hope this helps. FYI !!! WE'VE BEEN MARRIED GOING ON 9YS ON THE 18TH OF MAY.

Michelle - posted on 04/26/2010

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With having kids it is hard to want to have sex after a long day of taking care of everything else. So this is what I do and we have sex like 2x a day. Get a book that is sexual whether it is actually a book or a dirty magazine. Anything that will get your senses going. Women have to be stimulated and maybe read it your book in a bath tub with candles. When I read books like this that lower area really seems to wake up and I end up attacking him.

Natasha - posted on 04/24/2010

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Oh you are not alone in this!! I seem to go through cycle and something I'm fine and we have sex alot and then i don't ever feel like it at all!! I think Jennifer is right that it seems like another item on the to-do-list when you are tired from a hard day. I also find that after holding my baby all day feeding him comforting him i feel like i need some time where i can have my body to myself and not have give attention to anyone else. I find what helps me is to just think to myself in the morning that we are going to have sex that night and prepare my mind for it to happen. Unless i have had a really hard exhausting day that usually works. Also i find the more we have sex the more i start to feel like it again. You just really don't feel sexy having a having a baby either and i think that makes a huge difference. If i feel sexy i feel like sex :) All the best. Hope it gets better for you.

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Sara - posted on 01/30/2013

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Oh gosh, I went through the same thing with my husband. We had been together almost two years and after baby I drifted from sex and he let his attention with me fail and we both fell apart. There was one month where I didn't think we'd make it. We didn't fight all the time, we were okay but you could feel the gap constantly widening. It broke down to forcing myself. The more I forced myself to really work on sex the more sex I wanted. It took a lot of work to be interested, and a lot of thinking of sex to work up to it. I also asked him to be understanding and help out. He was to tell me when he wanted sex ahead of time so I could mentally prepare to get in the mood, and toys were allowed to help move things along. It honestly was a very hard path to get through and it was something we never saw coming. I had an extremely high sex drive prior to baby. You will get through it with a lot of work! Best of luck.

Kenny - posted on 01/22/2013

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I dont buy the having kids as a excuse I was a stay at home dad and worked at home looked after two boys cooked, house work , after school work, drive the boys to hockey, coach etc. im not young anymore but i didnt seem to have a problem keeping up and do all the things i wanted to do , I think its about time we stopped using excuses and did something about it.. by the way im no longer married to the lady that was too tired not interested and did not like being intimate at any time.. that being said. we need to look into our selfs first to see what we can do to change things for the better. life is wonderful if its shared .

Kendra - posted on 05/26/2010

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I would first like to say "stop stressing about it." They say after children your life will never be the same, and that includes your sex life, and desires! I think you should stop comparing your life to before you had a child, it seems like it's causing unneeded stress. Next, i'd like to ask are you using birthcontrol? It might be worthwhile to talk with your doctor about it.

Maria - posted on 05/24/2010

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Honey, having a 6-month old takes a lot of your energy and time at this point and time, it's only natural to feel this way! If you feel troubled about this problem more than you care for, then may I suggest that you talk to your health provider who may be able to help you see what's going on, if it's physical or psychological. If it's persistent, she may refer you to a specialist. Otherwise, it's just a natural phase that a lot of us, women, go through, believe me.

Brianna - posted on 05/21/2010

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thank you to everyone! :-D I have tried many of these ideas and they have helped big time! I also talked to my hubby about it and he understands and tries to help out more and spend more one on one time with me. He now knows that if he starts out with a little more foreplay, even when I'm NOT in the mood, it can get me in the mood! :-D I'm still tired, and I think I always will be lol but now we are on a better schedule so it's easier for me to prep myself for sex before hand. I am also starting to get more comfortable with my body...its still not what I want it to be but I can live with it and learn to love it! :-D Thanks again ladies!

Aenea - posted on 05/03/2010

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plan your meals better prepare them for a week that way all you would have to do is heat them up, which dont take to long. schedule your chores also for certain days, me i only do laundry on tue, thur sat. with a baby depending on how long and how much clothes and things they have. dusting, cleaning the bathroom, mopping sweeping things like that on mon, wed, fri. sunday should be chill day or tidy up day. depending on how far you live from your husbands job he can come home for lunch. my husband and i was doing that and it worked out well. see if you could have someone to keep the baby during that time. make an effort to do a drive-by quickie.

Peta - posted on 05/03/2010

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Thanks for posting this. Tell me, is there anyone with a husband that works nights? Waking up at 2pm, eating the meal I have just cooked, leave at 5pm, get home 530am. Baby sleeps from 730pm to about 730am. 2-5 spending time with both husband and baby, cooking, eating, baby in high chair eating. After he leaves, bathing baby washing bottles, washing up, tidying, folding washing, finding dirty washing. I need to have my time after 630, but still seem to be doing all these chores until 830. Not interested in intamacy at 530am and not interested while pots on stove cooking in afternoon. Baby is 6 months, to an extent I have routine but not that includes intamacy. :(

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I feel the same way. I don't find sex appealing at all. It's a chore. I feel bad for him, but I'm not going to give in when it makes me feel like crap.

Laura - posted on 05/03/2010

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i have a ten month old and i feel the same way. i start worrying that he will lose interest or im hurting his feelings. we have talked about it though, i have to admit, having sex in the morning is waaaay easier for me. i'm well rested. maybe talk to your hubby. have him arrange a sitter while the two of you snuggle in just your undies and take a nap, then when you wake up (refreshed) maybe the sparks will fly again without having to worry about chores, baby. etc. make sure youre taking time to nurture your marriage as well as your children :) the laundry will wait but your relationship won't!

Tonya - posted on 05/01/2010

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i am the same way..my husband gets mad at me but i have a 3yr old and a 1yr old to take care of all day and when its bed time i just wanna crash..i feel bad because he thinks i hate him or something but im just tired and want to relax. our 4 yr annivasary is comming up in 19 days and im hopping to get some relief enough to make that a good one

Shyann - posted on 04/30/2010

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well its prolly cosue ur so tired and as much as u want sex it jus seems like one more thing u have to worry about and your way to tired.. im sure you hubby feels the same way as much as he may want it he is jus to tired couse of the baby...

Bethany - posted on 04/29/2010

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I am so glad you posted this. My husband and I had to have a discussion about my lack of sex drive recently.We have been together 13 years and use to have sex every other day twice a day. Now we only have it once a week and sometimes I feel I am only doing it to please him so he won't stray to someone else. These feelings started after I had my son who is now 3 years old. Romance novels seem to help as well as shows or movies about romance. I also text him while he is at work with naughty messages. I feel like we are in high school again and sneaking around. It is very fun and flirty. I am also stealing the panties on the rearview idea :) . I want to please my husband and keep him happy and this has become very frustrating for me as well. I still love him so much and hope he understands this. I tell him everyday, but as we alll know actions seem to speak louder than words. This is a sad thing in our case because it doesn't mean we don't want them anymore. We just need a jumpstart to our sex drive!

Lynn - posted on 04/28/2010

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Take a hot bath with the lights off and the candles lit. Read something sexy like a sexy love book or a magazine that talks about fun ways to have sex and just as you are laying in the bath, picture you and your husband playing the roles of whatever you are reading. That will make you comfortable in a hot bath, and reading that will get the mood set for you, then go have fun with your hubby! ....

Brigitta - posted on 04/28/2010

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hi brianna, thanks for bring this up...i felt exactly the same like you, but i'm too ashamed to ask for any advice on this bcoz i thought i'm the only 1 who had problem with my sexual desire :( i had turned down my husband too many times....for adding this i'm a working mom also...so, i felt exhausted from working and taking care of my 2 kids...and when comes to having sex i don't have the motivation. thank you for all the ladies whose posting their response.

Aya - posted on 04/28/2010

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I find myself feeling the same way! I thought i was the only one and too embarassed to ask anyone. Thank you for posting this b/c now i don't feel like there is something wrong with me. And reading the other posts it does somethimes feel like another thing to do on the "to-do" list. I feel terrible like i don't show my husband enough attention or "love"
But part of me is scared to have sex again b/c i am not on any birth control and am afraid what if i get pregnant...
Our baby is 5 months and it'd be too soon for us to have another right now.
I appreciate you posting this and all the ladies posting they're response! Thank you!!

Jamie - posted on 04/28/2010

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This is normal with the hormones. You are still getting back to normal. Also if you are like me the more you think and worry about it the less you are "in the mood". I found that when my Dh helped more with the kids or with cleaning I had more energy and more attraction for him. I just had our second and the healing is going slower so I too dread sex but we talk about it and do other things to enjoy each other. We know that it is just temporary. Don't rush it. Oh and maybe get a Kama Sutra. (8 yrs of marriage)

Misty - posted on 04/28/2010

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Don't feel like a bad person. I think we all go through this in a marriage. I have been married 4 years and have gone throught the same thing about 3 years into it. I loved him, but just no desire. It will pass, but one thing that helps us is to go online or into your local bookstore and pick up a book that has different thing to do each night. I found a lot of different ones just going to Barnes and Nobles web sight. Talk to your hubby and see if he feels satisfied with the frequency. If not then sometimes you have to just make yourself do it and enjoy it. Sometimes it takes getting a baby sitter for the kids and having a night completly alone together. I hope the advice helps, you aren't alone.

Amy - posted on 04/27/2010

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I had the same problem, and now that I have weaned my 1 year old off breastfeeding my sex drive has improved immensely. It's very hard with all hormones and especially after a busy, tiring day (or night) with baby. Just hang in there. It will get better, just be patient. Also, make sure you take to each other about it, so that your both on the same page about how you feel, it helped my husband and I a lot. It helped my husband to know that my problem wasn't because of him, it was just breastfeeding hormones and exhaustion.

Shannon - posted on 04/27/2010

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I will tell you want I did last night. I texted my husband during the day and told him that I wanted to have sex. I told him I wanted some romance. So when the kids were in bed, he came to me and just started kissing me you know that OMG tingle to her toes kisses. Those kisses is all he has to do to put me in the mood. So after that we started a little role playing and that always work.

Adrienne - posted on 04/26/2010

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Do it in the morning before you get the baby up..First of all baby should not be sleeping with you that is a big damper...but i find it is a great pick me up like a little energy booster before I start my day. I dont think the "gota have you" thing lasts forever (Ive been with my hub for 8 years and we are young 25 so I get it) but the gotta have it does fade and you just explore and find new stuff that does make it exciting! multi task put him to work down below while you are washing your hair in the shower. There is nothing wrong with a quicky with your bubby becasue believe me as yours gets older (mine is two) you will only have less time and more to do. But sex in your marriage IS a priority! Your man needs it and so do you!

Rachell - posted on 04/26/2010

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There is nothing wrong with you! this is normal and you will find your way through it. Try letting your husband know that you need his help in the evening so you can take some "mommy time" take a nice hot bath and put something sexy on wear his favorite scent and light a candle or two. really naything to elp set the mood. You won't really get into until you feel a little rejuvinated. Weekends away are GREAT! You get some sleep and undivded attention that you and your husband both need.

Kytama - posted on 04/26/2010

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Sometimes I feel like me pregnancies have ruined my body! It took me a long time after my first child to want it again, and now after my C-section it's ever worse. So hopefully it will get better after I loose some more weight and stop breastfeeding. I used to buy sexy underwear and show it to him, but I can't do it anymore. I need to accept and love my body. Until then, it's just something on my to-do-list too.

Katie - posted on 04/25/2010

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i feel the exact same way. except with me i just found out i am pregnant again iwth my second child. this is really weird bc most pregnant women love sex but i am like you. i just dont have motivation. i think after taking care of the kids, cleaning, etc we are just exhausted.

Lucretia - posted on 04/24/2010

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I understand how you feel I went thru the same thing.I have told myself that he is not a chore, but my mate and I explained to him how I felt and that I was tired from taking care of the kids and working and he is working with me. So I agree talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. Maybe you do need a getaway!

Courtney - posted on 04/23/2010

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yeah I just hit a dry spell, Brayden is 3 months old and all I want is my husband but when it comes down to it, the idea escapes me. What I asked my husband is to be patient and talk to me, I find the more connected we are with each other the more I want sex.

Karen - posted on 04/23/2010

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I feel the same way at times. The only reason I can come up with for myself is that I have a hard time having "fireworks". When my husband asked about why I didn't want sex anymore I asked if he'd want to have sex if he almost never had "fireworks". I don't have an answer for you, but I do understand where you're coming from.

Jennifer - posted on 04/23/2010

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Well for me the answer is simple, after taking care of kids and house all day I am tired and sex seems like one more item on the "to do list". I feel way bad too and guilty because I love my husband and don't want to hurt his feelings but by the time we have any time alone together I just want to sleep! Maybe get away together for a weekend if you can, this has helped in the past for us!

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