I need some advice.on my marriage?

Dawn - posted on 08/21/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Over the last 6 months my husband and I have started to have some problems. He is unsure of his feelings for me now after 8 years of marriage. My husband is a stay at home dad who goes to school full time and most of his classes are online courses. Almost 2 years ago he slipped two discs in his back making it impossible for him to work. Granted over the span of this time since then he has occasionally attempted to get hired somewhere but they never hire him. To put this in perspective my husband weighs approximately 460 lbs and stands 5'10" so either its because of his looks that they refuse to hire him or is injury. Granted social security disability does not deem it an actually disability since the usual person that has this happen is able to have surgery to get the discs put back in place but we did not and still do not have insurance so they had the discs go back naturally. What a lot of help that did, lol, granted they have slipped less and less out the longer it has been since the initial injury but my husband has also tried not to do things that he knows will slip the discs out of place. He permanently does not have skin sensation on the front of his shin. I know a lot of my problem is that I am in a job that I actually hate just so that we can have a roof over our head but at times I am so pissed off that I have to keep this job and he can't find work that I just go off of some of the smallest things not just on him but on our 7 year old son as well. To top if off two years ago we had to take my brother-in-law in after my mother-in-law passed away suddenly so that he didn't have to go into a nursing home because he has a mentality sometimes of the three year old but other times he acts his age. My brother-in-law does help out with rent and utilities and occasionally cooking but still only brings in disability checks which aren't all that much (approximately half of what I make a month he gets in ssi payments). I don't know what to do and am not sure if anyone has had a situation similar to this in any way that could give me some advice. As it stands now my marriage may not last to the end of the year.

Dawn

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Karen - posted on 09/02/2012

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Everyone's given great advice. I'd like to share with you that when my kids were 4 and 1 yr of age, my husband and I were on the verge of divorce. A couple friends of ours who were married over 60 years reminded us of that part in our vows "for better or worse". Sounds like you're in the worst part right now. Indeed a crisis! Dawn, if your relationship, almost a decade ago, started out good, if it was wonderful between you once upon a time, you can find that again. Of course, right now, there's a lot that needs to be done. First of all, take care of you! Your son needs you to be well emotionally and physically. Your husband needs to wake up. Seek different ways to penetrate his heart. He needs to know that you and his boy need him. He needs to fight for his life and do whatever it takes to lose weight. Pour out your heart without criticizing him. Remind him of the good times, of the vision you had for your future, of all his abilities and what he has to offer to his son, of your vows. It's not too late to take steps toward mending your marriage. This is a very challenging situation, but you can get to the other side. Write it to him or sit facing him holding his hands. Find a way to affect him. And do whatever it takes to relieve your stress: walking, yoga, journaling, talking with someone. Go out and have fun with friends. We got counseling. I don't know if that is an option. If not, there are books and CDs that can help. Would he consider Over eaters anonymous? I recommend to everyone to listen to Jim Rohn's 4-disc cd set: The Challenge to Succeed. It really changed my husband and I. Be strong, have faith, practice extreme self care, and ask for help from friends, family, and doctors. God bless... Oh, our crisis happened 6 years into our marriage. It took a period of 4 years to be really solid and now we are very much in love 18 years married with 2 more children. And I had felt out of love and hopeless back then. It's the seasons of life......

Lynn - posted on 08/31/2012

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something i think helps a lot is dates. Go on a date together. If you have no extra money, plan an evening walk to the park, and bring a picnic basket. do some alone one on one time.

Julie - posted on 08/24/2012

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Hi Dawn,

I am sorry to hear about the struggles you are facing with your marriage and family. It is obvious that you are in a stressful and unhappy environment.

Your husband is morbidly obese. This means he will die from being fat, if he does not change his lifestyle and lose the weight. As a physical therapist I can tell you that his back pain and all his other problems can be close to alleviated if he does this.

I believe there are 3 deal breakers in a marriage. 1. Adultery 2. Abuse 3. Addiction

Problem is your husband is a food addict. He is questioning his feelings for you because he has no feelings at all. Food is numbing, debilitating, and depressing. You are resenting his selfish behavior and taking it out on your son.

You need to see through his complaints and excuses. Tell him, "I can not stand by and watch you kill yourself. You need to get up, get moving or get out."





Start with having him walk 10 mins a day. After 10 days: Two 10 min walks daily.

After 30 days: 3 10 min walks daily. After 45 days: 20 minute walks once a day.

@ 60 days he should be walking 30 mins daily. Even if he complains of pain while walking or has to use a cane to manage. Swimming is great for obese and pain pain people as well.



Give him a time line, with a consequence if not complete (like separation) and reward if he shows changes (date night). I think 2 months is a good start. It's time to implement the exercise, and of course his eating habits have got to change. He will encouragement, so have your son walk with him. He should also bring in some sort of income. Set a goal for that as well.

Meanwhile, really evaluate what YOU want for yourself, and make it happen Be sure you follow though in 2 months, and move out if he has not worked towards the personal and marriage goals you set.

Stay strong! You sound really sweet, but you also sound co dependent. That is not healthy for ANYONE.

Chaya - posted on 08/22/2012

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Perhaps it shouldn't last, but if you both wish to save it, you should try.
I've had my back broken four times, it blows me away that I can walk most of the time, but I can. I can do anything most other people can do, except drive, and do the russian dance. I can't drive because I'm hemiplegic.
If your husband isn't willing to loose weight, he probably doesn't want to stay married, his back would improve with weight loss. I know it's not easy to loose weight, but try one pound at a time.
I can't tell you what is best for you, but perhaps you should take a weekend to yourself, it's not cure, but it would relieve some of the stress.

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