married vs not married

Lynn - posted on 04/14/2010 ( 386 moms have responded )

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I was just wondering how many people here think there is a big Diff of being married vs being not married. So many unmarried couples say that they are almost married, or are just like being married, but arent married yet. So I was just wondering what you ladies feel about being married vs not. Once you got married, what was the greatest change you found in your relationship or feelings?

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Kattia - posted on 08/25/2012

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Marriage is not about control...your experience with marriage is more a statement on the type of men you Married rather than marriage in general...

Tah - posted on 08/25/2012

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They may be less the marriage and more the type of men you chose to marry....

Julie - posted on 08/09/2012

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The difference between being married and not is predominately the legal commitment. This is an ADDITIONAL commitment that segregates the two. Pros and Cons can vary depending on who you are, what you want and where you live.
Once you are legally married, the vows you made must be kept. If you are not married, their is no vows, so the lines in the sand may not be as clearly drawn.
Once I got married we were no different as a couple. Once we had a baby...that's when it changed! Not for the better or worse, just different.
I love being married, but I waited until my 30's. I had no real desire before that, but probably because I new eventually it would happen.
I lived with a guy for 2 years and that did not go so hot. "playing house" is how I describe not being married. Once you are married, no more pretend, it's the real deal.

Lynn - posted on 08/09/2012

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I think what helps keep a marriage together is understanding and accepting each other. Our Pastor made us take Marriage counseling before he would perform our marriage. And not because we had any problems, but instead , to prevent any problems. It sounds kinda silly. But we got married feb 11th of 2006 and we have yet to have an argument or anything like that.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 08/07/2012

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Tina, with all due respect not everyone who gets married is Christian or professes to any other monotheistic religion. Marriage also pre-dates Christianity so to say that God keeps a marriage together is rather just a matter of opinion.

I married an Atheist, I'm agnostic. You're free to believe that God is in your marriage, but it's not the case for everyone. I stay together with my husband because we love each other and respect each other. Not because someone who may or may not exist helps me.

Tina - posted on 08/07/2012

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Marriage is Sacred in the eyes of the LORD, and for those who are able to be faithful to the Lord, and to their mate it is best to have it that way. Yes there are times of challanges, and problems, and needs that have to be met. Yes faith and prayer do help with one another and with others in a Bible teaching church. Yet even then there can be problems if one finds that they are unfaithful and that can happen anywhere to anyone, but only God can keep a couple together if they truly want to stay together. Love, respect, hope and faith among other positive qualities are always important to have. Forgiveness and repentance with confession is also vital to keep a relationship going. Many need to know that if they take time away from their partner to be unfaithful then surely there is trouble there. Living together can be a problem if the two are not committed to being with God in that, and have their values of living to be at odds with each other. So they need to seek God, together and to know that HE is the Only One who can truly help them stay together. That's why faith, prayer and Salvation are so vital to have in one's marriage. There are so many influences in the world that seek to destroy any faithful couples that they need to seek God for help if they are going to stay together. The world doesn't teach faithfulness for life, it has very risky models, and very deceptive illusions that are not healthy for anyone to copy. So it is best to follow the Bible's plan even though it illustrates the failings of many, it is to show the reason why faith is vital to one's relationships. Please do try to take time out to read the Scriptures and learn what He has to say in the Scriptures. Both Old and New Testements are excellent in resource material here. Psalms and Proverbs are very helpful, as is Song of Soloman, though the language may seem archaic, reading one perhaps with todays languages might make it more understandable. Think of it as a Love Story, in the times of the Bible, and then translate it to today's language. Ephesians, First Corinthians, and many other New Testement books are vital to show the need for faith and marriage relationship and how important it is .

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 08/07/2012

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I'm reposting because I've been married a year now and Lee and I are still doing good. In fact we're doing better than when I first moved up here becuase we've gotten the hang of living together and managing a budget. Ok so the fact that Canada finally gave us our CCTB and UCTB so we have an extra nearly 600$ a month helps too.

Jocelyn - posted on 08/07/2012

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we lived together prior to getting married. for us both, it made a HUGE difference. neither one of us knew what it was exactly. we didnt think it was possible for the sex to get any more mind blowing, but it reached a whole new level neither of us had ever imagined. also we stopped yelling, "EFF YOU! IM LEAVING!" when we would argue, because you cant just walk out once your married, your kind of stuck having to work things out.....lol.....

Deana - posted on 09/15/2011

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I am hearing alot about people and thier relationships good and bad. I am going to just touch on the Marriage part. I would love to see that everyone has a happy marriage and yes it takes work. However, do not even consider getting married if you are not positive that it is the right person. Look for red flags. When I see people talk about how they dont believe in getting married because of thier past divorces. Well , they obviously were not the right person. If it is the wrong person, no matter how hard you try to make it work , it wont. I waited to get married to get married when I was 43. I never felt right about any of the men I dated,short or long term. Even though I wished they were the right ones and I wanted to get married becuase all of my friends were or I wanted to have children, it just wasnt right. Marriage is not something to take lightly, just like having a child because you think it will help you , be something your not, it just wont work. When you take those vows they are sacred and a privilage. I waited for the right man, we dated for four years before that. He is just as gung ho about doing everything possible to strengthen our marriage. I did not go into this marriage wanting to change him, just learning to accept they way he is. You cant change people, they can only change themselves. By the way, I did have a baby at the age of 45, so I was given what I always wanted. Grateful for waiting to take those vows even though I was in my 40's.

Dana - posted on 09/14/2011

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Lynn, the only thing constant is change. OUr relationships, like everything in life, will always be changing. Because life brings different scenarios into our worlds and we do not know how we will respond to them. Being in a relationship is a commitment, and honestly, having a marriage certificate does not make the commitment better or worse or stronger. It will not change the fact that as life goes on, and you experience new events and situations your relationship will change too. As we age, we change, and sometimes we grow closer, sometimes we find we are drawn done completely different paths. The key is to be happy with yourself and have your individuality nurtured while in a relationship. If two people are working at it, a piece of paper is not going to make it better or worse, its just a legal document. Enjoy your relationship and focus on what is good about it and keep the lines of communication open. Always say what is on your mind, it is when we hold things in that a relationship starts to have problems. A marriage certificate does not change a good relationship. Communication is your key to any relationship success.

Kattia - posted on 09/13/2011

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you need a strong and committed relationship before marriage..that licence is not a magic wand that is going to "fix" or "change" something that doesn't work. Nowadays people go into marriage with so many unrealistic expectations...I think this is why so many marriages fail, plus the fact that people are so quick to throw in the towel..

My husband and I knew that we were "it" for each other on our 1st date(technically 2nd, i just don't think movies is a nice date, lol) by the time we got married 2yrs later we were deeply committed to each other. The only difference between being married and not was the huge adjustment of living together.

Now 12yrs & 2 kids later we still feel the same way we did so many years ago. Talking about "our day" never fails to bring tears to both our eyes. We were a bit disappointed when we found out that we could not be married on that same date, but to us that is our true anniversary. That is the day we gave our hearts wholeheartedly to each other.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/12/2011

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It's not that I don't love being married. Lee is everything in a husband and a father figure for my older daughter that I could've hoped for. He's very understanding towards both of us. He's always refering to both of our daughters as his girls. Always helps our oldest girl with her homework, he taught her to swim. My oldest daughter refers to him as either Lee or Daddy because he's been more of a father to my older girl than her own father ever tried to be.



Lee is a wonderful, creative talented and loving man and I'm happy that he asked me to marry him but I am ecstatic that he treats my first born as his own. I'm honestly sitting at my computer crying while I'm typing that. And that to me is so much more important than a wedding ceremony making everything nice and legal. If you were ever a single mom who was lucky enough to find a man who will not only treat you with respect but who will treat your child or children from your first marriage or relationship like his own, you will know that that feeling is so much more important than being able to legally refer to someone as your spouse.



That is why marriage never made a difference to me because it never changed how Lee treated my first baby. He always treated her as his child and even though we have a new baby he still treats our older girl as his own.

Lynn - posted on 09/12/2011

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I am Proud to say I am married. I am proud to refer to my husband, as my husband. I am proud to say he is mine and I am his. I am proud to say that we took vows in front of others telling others how much we mean to each other. I am Proud to share the last name. I am proud that all of his friends, single and married, cant believe how awesome his wife is. I love hearing him brag about me. I love hearing him call me his wife, when we are in public places. I love my son pointing at pics and saying this is mom and dad getting married. I love it when my son tells his friends mommy and daddy got married lots of years ago cuz their old. (lol everyone is old to him).... anywho. I LOVE BEING MARRIED.

Myriam - posted on 09/09/2011

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Yes, indeed. Respect, Trust and Love. I always think they go together. Your husband found himself a good match lol

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/09/2011

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Thanks Myriam. I believe that you have to have both trust and respect in a relationship followed by a willingness to communicate. I'm the first woman my husband's been with at all so he's basically getting a crash course in everything.

Myriam - posted on 09/09/2011

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Megan, I completely agree with you! I always say that, when there is no mutual respect in a relationship there is no relationship. To me, mutual respect is number one!

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/09/2011

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Nice one Amanda. I got married back in March for nearly the same reasons. I love Lee, but Canada won't let me immigrate with him unless we have a license.

Amanda - posted on 09/08/2011

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In short, I don't need a piece of paper to tell me how much I love my Danny. The state however, requires it for insurance reasons...

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/08/2011

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I was married for nearly 3 years to my first husband and he never showed any inclination of working. He allowed other people to talk down to me in front of him or did it himself. He criticized everything and still blames everyone else for his actions.

My current husband and I are in our first year of marriage (we'll hit the 1/2 way mark on the 30th) and we already know it's not easy, but we're making it work. My husband doesn't let anyone talk down to me or do it himself and he never has. He also treats my older daughter as if she's his daughter. And if he does something wrong he admits it.

But this proves to me that a relationship won't work if both sides don't have respect for one another in the first place. It has nothing to do with being married or not married to a person. If you can't communicate or you don't have respect for each other then even if you do get married it doesn't mean anything.

Deana - posted on 09/08/2011

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The first year is the hardest. You just have to know it will get better. Doing things to keep your marriage strong is a must or it will go haywire. It also depends on if you have been living together already. I did not live with my husband so of course I did not realize what I was getting into. That is why the first year was hard. Go on dates and take classes that will teach you how to be a good husband/wife. Very imperative for a relationship. P.S. Yes Miriam, two years is better. also, we take at least one class a year. Just started a "love and Respect" class. Did this class once before.

Myriam - posted on 09/07/2011

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Yes, Megan you are absolutely right! Its not in the marriage but in thee person you are in relationship with :). It takes two to tango

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/06/2011

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Thanks. But I believe that proves it's not the marriage, it's the people in the relationship.

Myriam - posted on 09/06/2011

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Megan, I am glad that you have finally found a respectful and loving husband in your second marriage who accepts you for who you are just because he loves you! This is such a blessing, enjoy:)

Myriam - posted on 09/06/2011

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Tanya, I truly admire your courage ! I would not have lasted a year myself!!!! Yes, not until you stand up for yourself and affirm youself, no one will and your children will definitely suffer from an abusive behavior.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 09/06/2011

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Myriam. I'm on my 2nd marriage. My first husband didn't think twice about having an affair and leaving me just because we were married for almost 3 years. We had a baby, I was very sick, but he didn't think twice about calling me up from TX when I was still in NY getting ready to move up to Ft Drum to say that he didn't feel the marriage was working and it was my fault. Nevermind that he was mentally and verbally abusive toward me and now shows the same spite towards our daughter.



I'm remarried now, but that's more because Canada doesn't have a fiance visa and than because we feel a marriage makes things stronger. My husband's parents are divorced so he's seen first hand that a marriage doesn't mean you'll keep trying. My husband has had to deal with my bipolar, my ex and my older daughter before we were married and there were plenty of times he could've left (mostly because we were nearly 3,000 miles away from each other) but he didn't. We didn't need a paper or a ceremony to make ourselves feel married. We felt married before any of that.

Tanya - posted on 09/06/2011

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Yep, pretty much! I couldn't be a good mom to my kids when I was being brought down all the time. It wasn't healthy for anybody. There were a lot of good times, too, though, and that was hard to give up. Now I know why so many women stay in abusive relationships. I'm just glad I had the strength to get out.

Myriam - posted on 09/06/2011

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Yes, more than agree! If the relationship was abusive then thinking there is hope would be suicidal. Sorry, I misunderstood it.

Myriam - posted on 09/06/2011

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A year is not enough Tanya lol I have been married to my first husband for 19 years . It took me very long long to end it because we had two kids together. I lived with my second husband for 8 months before we got married. We don't have any common kids but we are a blended stepfamily. Not easy but manageable with love and patience.

Tanya - posted on 09/06/2011

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Yep, but that's me personally. I guess some people need the legal marriage in order to be that committed, but for me, when I made a commitment, I took it seriously, it didn't matter that we weren't legally married.

With my last relationship, I was unhappy for a year before I ended the relationship. We had a child together, we were a family of four (with my older son also), we lived together, shared finances and household items, and had made plans to have a life together. It took me a long time to realize that there was no way to fix it, and that I had to end it for the good of myself and my kids. It was, and remains, incredibly difficult.

Also, because we were common-law, if he had moved out a little bit later (after I started my new job), he could have gotten spousal support from me.

Myriam - posted on 09/06/2011

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Do you really think so , Tanya? To me, I would have left long time ago if I wasn't married lol

Tanya - posted on 09/06/2011

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Myriam, having been in serious relationships without marriage, I can assure that the decision to end those relationships was NOT taken lightly! I didn't think "twice", I thought a million times, until I was absolutely sure that it had to end.

I think it depends on how you look at relationships. I don't need a ring and a marriage license to take a relationship VERY seriously.

Myriam - posted on 09/06/2011

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I think getting married means serious committment. You think twice before leaving the reationship and try your vey best make it work when problems arise because you have invested so much into it. With marriage comes good and bad things. One has to always stay focus on the main reason they get married in the first place, that is love!
Myriam

Lisa - posted on 09/04/2011

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The sex got better... That was the biggest change. Also we seemed to become more patient with eachother, like we now promised eachother forever so we best just respect eachother more.

Tanya - posted on 09/02/2011

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Sorry, Jen, but I think that's a crock. Kids care about being a family, having stability, feeling loved unconditionally, and feeling like their family is "right", but you can have all of those things without being legally married!

How other people view a relationship shouldn't have any bearing on how you live your life. To me, that shows some immaturity. Why not just live your life the way that is best for you and your family, without worrying about what other people think?

Where I live, there is no legal difference between being legally married and being common-law, so that's a moot point.

Jen - posted on 09/01/2011

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loads of differences: legal, social (how ppl see you and your level of maturity), impact on children. On this last, i want to say that although children will often say things are fine and tell us 'we are the best parents in the world' even if we are divorced etc..(and yes functional of course) it is not the same. There is something deeper, more intuitive and primal about human relationships. this is why there is so much great art and music about it always...live beyond today!
jenni, author, Simple Tips for Happy Kids

Corryne - posted on 08/25/2011

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Where I grew up falling pregnant at 16 wasnt a shock for anyone as it is too common, so when I fell pregnant I just felt like id become another statistic. So I was determined to not fall into the rest of the statics, myself and my boyfriend at the time moved out on our own, which wasnt common as most of the girls id gone to school with stayed at home with their parents, and alot of them split up with their boyfriends not long after the baby came along, and so getting married being independent as parents and moving away from the "hell hole" i grew up in was a major accomplishment, my husband joined the army and we moved 3000 kms away lol, and i guess its the way i thought society veiwed me aswell, i went from being an 18 yr old with 2 children to being married with 2 children. And of course it is about committing urself to one person for the rest of ur life, i wanted the world to know that i had made a life long committment to the person i lved more then anything (except my kids of course lol)

Lady Heather - posted on 08/19/2011

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I don't see why it's sad to look at marriage as just a piece of paper or a legal contract. Doesn't mean that's how a person views their relationship. My relationship is the thing that means something to me and I suppose that relationship is now viewed by the world as a marriage, but to me it's the same thing as it was before. It was a strong relationship before the wedding. I don't think any ceremony or symbol or vows could strengthen the bond we already had. The kid might have done it, but kids are a little more powerful than saying words we already knew to be true.

Renee - posted on 08/19/2011

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Honestly, my husband of more than 20 years and I lived together a year before getting married. Emotionally it was not different for us at all after the wedding, but made a ton of financial sense. He was career military and was going to Desert Storm in Special Forces so we got married in case he didn't come home so that I would be ok financially. Kind of a grim thought, I know. Also, our taxes bring in more returns filing jointly as a married couple, and there are other boons that unmarried couples can't get (like rights to see your loved one if they are in the hospital and only family members are allowed in). It makes logical sense in my opinion. However, I'm also a devout Christian so, we lived "in sin" for a year by my beliefs and while back then it didn't make much of a difference, now it does mean a lot to me, I also like the fact that my former boss told me AT OUR RECEPTION, "I sure hope you don't have children with that man. Sorry, don't think you guys will last long." Just to spite her, I've always wanted to send her a pic of our family and a note saying, "Happily married still, 20 years and counting! Guess you were wrong!"

So, anyhow, that's my take on it.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 08/18/2011

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That's what I've been saying Tanya, you hit the nail right on the head

Tanya - posted on 08/18/2011

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You can be 100% committed without being married. If anything, I think it takes MORE faith, trust, and commitment to remain unmarried. Some people just don't feel like they need a piece of paper, or a ceremony in front of other people, to have a real relationship. You can make the same commitment without any witnesses and that doesn't make it any less real.

CHRISTINE - posted on 08/17/2011

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My husband is my high school sweetheart, we were separated at a young age and it took us 23 years to reconnect so we got married right away, he never slept with anyone else or married or lived with another woman. Guess he was just meant for me and we now have two beautiful boys and paid cash for our dream house. If you love someone why now show that devotion by getting married. We don't always see eye to eye on everything, but being married helps us to work it out and we have a mutual respect for each other. It's nice to know that no matter what happens we will always be there for each other, no walking away.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 08/17/2011

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I agree with Angela that a marriage doesn't guarantee that your spouse won't cheat on you and be unfaithful. My first husband was verbally and mentally abusive towards me and cheated on my through the entire marriage. That piece of paper and vow before God and our families didn't do anything for me. I did have a child with that man and she's almost 7. I've been divorced from her father for almost 6 years so do the math.



I wasn't married when I found out I was pregnant with my 5 month old daughter last year. But I knew that my then fiance wouldn't leave me and was about to wet his pants because he wanted children and a family. We made a promise to eachother and to ourselves which we felt much more binding than anything you could sign in front of witnesses. Your vows to eachother are what should be important, not what you do in front of people.



Kelly I have to say that I find it disrespectful to my beliefs to say that you have to include God in your marriage. Not everyone believes as you do. I'm glad you have such a great relationship and strong feelings in your religion. But my mom taught me that God isn't going to turn you away from Heaven for not believing a certain way. I'm not trying to disrespect anyone's beliefs, but people have to understand that not everyone follows organized religion like they do. I'm married to an Atheist who if he believes in any type of religion it's centered around First Nation beliefs. I was raised Catholic but I studied different religions and world history.

Lynn - posted on 08/17/2011

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I think as for getting help from some of the elders at your church, also depends on what church you attend. I am not saying one is better then another,i am just saying I believe the elders of one church may have different feelings and opinions on how you approach something. And Angela, I do not agree that you should have had to basically bow down to your frist husbands wants and needs. but once again, that is my OPINION.

My husband and I are going on 6 years of marriage. And to some of you that may seem like we are still newly weds, lol.... But anywho. In our six years of marriage we have had one... not two... not ten... but ONE argument/fight (Not physical fight)... and the reason why we have done so well is because we have great communication. We hide nothing from each other. We share our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, wants, needs, and emotions. And the one time we did get in an argument, it was because one of us was hiding some emotions.

Angela - posted on 08/17/2011

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Tina, I’m married and we’re both Christians, we married in Church too. However I disagree with some of your statements:

“There is no guarantee if the boyfriend will remain faithful to you”

There’s no guarantee that one’s husband will remain faithful either!

“If you have trouble tell God about it, and those who can give you wise counsel”

Unfortunately, those who give “wise counsel” are not fail-safe. I got (apparently) wise counsel from some of the more mature Christians at my Church when I was married to my first husband. It made things worse. They talked about submission and obedience so he would see he was married to the sweetest, most compliant creature ever which would make him want to treat me better etc…. Well yes, just gave him the open invitation for more physical, psychological, sexual and financial abuse!

“What happens if you have a child, how are you going to explain to your child, that you live together but you aren't really married, that is no security for your child.”

Except that now a very high percentage of children are born to couples who aren’t legally married, and a great many children – whether their parents are married or not – have parents who don’t live in the same house – because their relationship has broken down. So, how do you explain to your child that you’re not legally married to their other parent? In this modern world, you might just have a more pressing problem explaining why you ARE married, what marriage is and why so very few of their friends have married parents! The marriage rate is declining and young children are always curious when there’s a wedding taking place in the neighbourhood or if they see a wedding party out and about in their town/city. It’s a bit like meeting someone with a very unusual pet!

“That is also no security for your mate if he or if you should decide you want to leave the relationship. It causes all sorts of problems.”

The legal bonds of marriage when broken create similar problems. My first husband was never in paid work all the time I was married to him. I had NO recourse to his money or security when we split – he didn’t have any! And he stayed in the marital home, a house we’d rented together from my parents. It was too small anyway as we’d had 4 children so I was the one who moved out with the kids to a larger, rented home. I got the divorce through the Legal Aid system for free. It cost neither of us a penny. The problems we had during our relationship and afterwards would have been exactly the same if we’d not been married. In fact, I think they might have been a little easier in some respects, though possibly harder in others.

“Don't try to do it without God. That is for sure a sign of trouble in the long run.”

I’m happy to have my Christian faith which is surely as helpful in my marriage as it is in other areas of my life. But there are many couples who don’t have any religious beliefs who are happily, legally married. I’m committed to my own beliefs but not so blinkered that I believe non-Christian couples haven’t an earthly chance of their marriage succeeding! There are also couples who live together happily for years, without legal marriage.

[deleted account]

well God is my Lord and will save me and its what i believe and it is disrespectful to me as a God fearing woman to say that to.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 08/16/2011

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Not if the person doesn't believe in God it isn't. Christians didn't invent the idea of marriage in the first place and even when they monopolized it a marriage license wasn't required until at least the 1600 or 1700's. Many people feel legitamitely married without signing a document and I'm one of those people. I'm married now, but my husband and I pretty much decided to forsake all others a few years before we got married. And we've already been through more than most married couples seem to go through. He had to deal with my ex husband emailing him about how I was a terrible wife to him and how horrid of a person I am way before we were married. Marriage should be more about a vow you make to eachother not about legality or some deity.

[deleted account]

Marriage is NOT a piece of paper to most its a vow to god and to the other person, i find it so disrespectful for people to say that.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 08/15/2011

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Katie I wouldn't've been quick to correct the family member because that family member feels that you're close enough to your boyfriend and his family to consider you his spouse. My mom in law was calling my her favourite daughter (which is kinda funny because my husband is 1 of 3 boys) when we got engaged and even right before we got engaged because she was happy to not only finally have a daughter but a granddaughter. I have a child from my first marriage. To me acting like you're part of the family is a big thing because it means they accept you. It's also touching that my mom in law treats my older daughter like her first grandchild because her father's family has no contact with her. My husband and I also have a 5 month old daughter who is the first biological grandchild either of his parents have, but my older girl is considered their first grandchild just like I was considered my husband's wife before we got married.

I don't know, maybe it's because of my divorce or because I spent too much time on world history. But I feel putting so much emphasis on a piece of paper is silly. Your heart and your mind and your own feelings towards eachother should have more of an impact on whether you feel as though you're married than a sheet of paper and a ceremony. But that's my opinion on the subject. It's not that I haven't seen a lot of good marriages, my mom's parents have been married for 60 years, my parents have been married for almost 38 years, my brother is in a wonderful marriage. But don't base marriage on a piece of paper and a diety.

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