Still having sex after having babies?

Julie - posted on 07/20/2009 ( 28 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been together for 3 years, married for one and have two year old twin girls. I was just wondering if there are other moms out there that are in the same situation as me. Our sex life at the beginning was wonderful and very often, 4 or 5 times a week. Now three years later and two babies we are lucky to have it once. We now have a sex contract. It is not me that doesn't want to have sex it is him. I was just wondering if any one else is in the same boat and any ideas on what to do about it???

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Maly - posted on 07/28/2009

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Oh my gosh, girl, I read your story and it's like a mirror of mine! First and foremost, the WOW. My husband would play it ALL THE TIME as well. I'd try so hard to get him in the mood and there were times when he'd said "ok, you go and I'll be right there" and wouldn't be in for hours! I just got so fed up with having to put the kids to bed by myself and then having to go to bed by myself as well that I called him out on it- I told him that I felt as though I was in a constant battle with his WOW to get his attention and that I was utterly jealous of it because it was taking my husband away. I just told him exactly how I felt and after a bit of contemplation, he finally stopped playing it so much. Our relationship and sex life has gotten so much more better now because his face isn't constantly on a screen and his mind's no longer clicking away at random strategies for the next time he plays anymore. Once it's no longer a constant thing, your sex life should get right back on track. As for the kids, give them a bedtime that would give you and your husband some decent time together afterward before bed. My husband and I put the kids in to bed by 8-9ish, then we have 30mins of our own separate alone time (he plays WOW and I read), finally we get each other ready for bed. Hope this helps!

Sarah - posted on 07/28/2009

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I'm sorry. Our sex life changed until we realized that mommys and daddys need alone time also. So, we put the kids to bed. Take a bath together, then mommy and daddy time. So what if the dishes don't get washed or the floor vacuumed it can be done later. That's it. Is that vaccum more important than the sex.

Alquise - posted on 07/23/2009

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Hi Julie, this to shall pass with lots of hard work...I agree with Tammy! Communication is very important. Having been married 10 years this year, and being together over 18 years I can't express how important communication is. I also think it's important to capatilize on the intimate moments that take place outside of the bedroom. Candle light dinners, backrubs, etc... One of the things we do is a date nite, I know it's hard with younger children, but it's also important. What ever it takes to get him out from in front of the computer. My husband use to be a Play Station 2 junkie, however; his libido is through the roof and nothing ever interferred.

Chelsea - posted on 07/22/2009

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After my daughter was born things did wane just a bit. We were always worrying or listening for the baby which is an instant mood killer in any situation. After much pushing and prodding by others we decided to go away for a weekend trip, just the two of us to reconnect. It wasn't about sex,but about getting the intimacy back in our relationship. We went on our get away as if we were dating and not as parents. Getting to just spend time together and reconnect changed everything! We have been married over 11 years now and we are still like newlyweds. It might be worth a shot just to grab a tent and get away for the weekend. Spend it hiking together hand in hand, sitting around a campfire or out on a lake. If you don't like the camping make it another desination, but do not focus the get away on sex. You are then left with the expectation to perform and it adds undue stress on the relationship. Also, while on this get away become a bit uninhibited...something small, not over the top, but something he will notice. Guys are very visual....take him shopping while on the get away and let him 'dress you up' or make a normal everyday routine like putting on lotion after a shower a bit erotic. Has always worked wonders for me! Good luck to you and give yourself a break. The more you dwell on it, the more you stress and the more you stress the more likely there will not be any sex in the near future.

Cecilia - posted on 07/22/2009

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How old are your twins? Maybe he feels weird in that area b'c he has two little girls in the house. Is he afraid they will come in or hear you maybe? Try taking time for just the two of you no electronics no distractions just the two of you. Sometimes you take different paths with all the distractions and kids and work. Its hard to maintain that before kids life. I've got 4 kids one on the way. Maybe he is stressed from work? Could he have something going on the side? (not to be rude but it happens) I like to think its just stress and the need to be alone as a couple again. Maybe he's just not ready to talk to you about whatever is going on with him.

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Niki - posted on 08/05/2009

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I would second the family life conference. my husband and I went, thinking all was ok. well when the "sex talk" came we found out different. they have it set up neat. you have a group talk then split up. then that evening you have homework to discuss what happened that day. chris and I found out our expectations were different and other things to go along with sex. do look it up! it is fun and entertaining at the same time and is not threating at all. maybe sign up and go with another couple.

Oh by way we have three kids and that are very close in age (when my youngest was born, I had three under the age of three. 3 years, 11 months, and newborn.) we have been married for 13 years. sex when they were that age was impossible...the conference helped us see that and figure out a plan to fix and mend where we were. Good Luck!

Cheryl - posted on 08/05/2009

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When I was carrying our first child some idiot at my husbands work told him a joke about pregnant women (here's the joke, tell me what you think: whats the best thing about having sex with a pregnant woman, you get sex with the woman and a blow job from the baby! needless to say my husband felt sick for ages after this joke).

Anyway after our daughter was born I still had trouble with my husband and sex - so I started to tease him in his sleep until he was aroused and it woke him up, since then our sex life has gone back to normal.

Have you also tried dressing up as something from warcraft - either to get him in the mood or at least make him laugh?

Brittany - posted on 08/02/2009

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My husband has told me he wasn't in the mood quite a bit lately after our daughter was born, and it hurts because he used to be the one begging me for sex. After many long nights yelling and me crying I realized it was because he didn't think of me as his sexy plaything but as a mother. He said it was to weird seeing me breastfeeding or changing diapers or just being all mommy-like to want to have sex with me. He wanted to cuddle or just talk and it took me along time to realize at that juncture in our lives he wanted the new part of me. The emotional part of being parents rather than the physical part of our relationship. Our relationship took a whole new turn. We got so much closer. And eventually we were doing it every other day! Our sex life just took a break. It was almost back to what it used to be. If he loves you he will listen to you and want to work on this. I strongly suggest the weekend getaway.

Rachel - posted on 08/01/2009

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Wow! What might seem like a silly question but was your husband "down below" during delivery?

Genevieve - posted on 08/01/2009

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It is very to put the sexual aspect of your relationship on the backburner after having children. I had postpartum depression really bad after my daughter was born and I was never in the mood for sex. When we did have sex it was painful (I tore during the vaginal birth and even after the stitches healed I was still sore). I talked to my doc about it and she said that it was normal because of the drop in estrogen combined with the depression and the huge life change of having a child. I think you kind of have to accept that your life is different now and you have to adapt to it. That being said you have to adapt your sex life. It is hard to go from mommy mode to getting in touch with that sexual goddess side that you have, especially worrying about if the kids are going to wake up right in the middle of everything. I had some very frank discussions about it with my husband. I got on Zoloft to help with the depression and started exercising more to help myself feel better. Something else that helped us was buying a couple of books with erotic stories. They make some good ones for couples in monogamous relationships, so they aren't trashy or offensive. My husband and I don't like pornography (magazines, movies, etc) so this was a way to do something new and different. I noticed that by reading them it would get me started thinking about sex and help me get into that frame of mind and forget about my role of being mommy long enough to remember that I was also a wife and a lover. Sex is such a fragile part of a relationship. If you do not tend to it then it will wither and die. You have to reconnect with your husband and keep that part of your relationship alive or you could be dooming your marriage. My husband is also a nerd and enjoys his share of computer time and video games. He is never doing it excessively so it is not really an issue. I understand that he works all day so that I can stay home, so he needs time to himself to decompress and space out so that he can unwind. It sounds to me like your husband may be a little beyond that point. It sounds like he may have an addiction to the games. I ask because I noticed you said that he plays excessively and thinks about it/wishes he was playing when he is not on the computer. I know the term addiction sounds a little extreme but it is becoming more and more of a problem, especially among guys in their 20s-30s. Have you done any research on video game addiction?
These are a few "warning" signs for video game addiction:

1. You feel really happy when you're online or when you're playing games, but as soon as you have to stop, you get angry or upset.
2. You think about going online or playing when you are supposed to be focusing on other things, like doing school work or having dinner with your family.
3. You spend more time with your keyboard or controller than physically hanging out with your friends.
4. Your friends or parents ask what you spend all your time doing, and you lie about it or laugh it off, but inside you know they may have a point.
5. You get up in the middle of the night to check your e-mail or your MySpace comments because you're having a hard time sleeping.

There is some good info on video game addiction at this web site: http://www.video-game-addiction.org

I hope you don't take offense to the video game addiction info. I am definitely not an expert. My brother is a hard core video game addict and I found this info useful for him, so I thought I'd offer it to you. I'd hate for your marriage to go sour over these issues and I hope that you are able to start some conversations with your husband to get things moving in the right direction. Take care and I wish the best for you and your family.

[deleted account]

I gotta tell ya...a sex contract doesn't sound like it would turn me on much. I don't think anyone likes to be forced into sex. My husband has always been very quiet about wanting sex. I swear he says no more to me then I do to him. Sometimes it really hurts. I can understand where your coming from.
Most of the time when it comes down to it we are both exhausted and can hardly get in the mood to do it. I try to remember to make time for the two of us as often as possible.
I hope things get better for the two of you.
All the best.

Shannon - posted on 07/31/2009

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I know this sounds insane, but maybe you should try to make him jealous. I don't mean go out and cheat on him by any means, but he can be made jealous of the way you can make yourself feel, if you know what I mean. Sometimes just the thought of that can drive a man completely crazy. Stop asking him for his toy and just buy your own. Maybe that will take some of the pressure off him, and he might be able to just enjoy the thought of making love to his wife without thinking he has to be casanova. If his games are driving you nuts, try playing them with him. He might take you to the bedroom just to get you away from the games! Whatever works! Good luck

Holly - posted on 07/24/2009

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It may be that since the babies you husband may look at you as the mother of his children and not as a sexual being who needs the affection on that level. My husband and I went through a similar situation and a set time for sex is not gonna help because it adds pressure to both of you. Keep trying to talk to him. If the love is there it will work out. Have you considered it being a medical problem?

Tracy - posted on 07/23/2009

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NO matter how tired or un-interested you might feel..just make the habit of being together on a reqular basis..in the start it might seem like a chore but before long your bodies will be wanting it..im 15 years strong with my partner..and sex has had its ups and downs over the years..but we religiously make the effort and before we no it.. we are wanting it and feeling it when we arent having it..hope this helps

Becca - posted on 07/22/2009

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My husband and I are were having this same problem. We have a 6 yr old and a 3 yr old. We'd both be stressed out by the end of the day that we wouldn't want it anymore. We took the kids to grandma and grandpa's for a few days, went to see a show, had dinner and then went to a movie and things started clicking again! We decided to try to do some form of this once a month. Even if we can't go see a movie or go out to dinner b/c money is tight, we still take the kids to visit one of their grandparents so we can have a little time alone and get that spark back!

Lynn - posted on 07/22/2009

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Something I never thought of but read in these posts that I agree with is maybe try and get a weekend alone. With you, him, no little ones, and no electronics. Maybe after he sees what the relationship can be, he will miss it and want it more.

Amanda - posted on 07/22/2009

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I think I would die if I were in your situation. Though things have slowed down since we had our daughter he wants it more now. We went from maybe 6-8 times a week to 4-5 but it was only like a week after i had our baby and he was already chomping at the bit. But the only thing I can think to say is that if you are patient and there isnt anything else going on then he will come around.

Julie - posted on 07/22/2009

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Tammy- thanks for the list of books, I will definately look into the book and see if there is a conference near me. I hope that I will be able to have a marriage and sex life like you and your husband do!!! thanks



Cecilia- My twins are 2 years old. I am not sure if he is afraid that they will come in. Maybe I will ask him. I don't believe he is stressed from work but maybe he isn't telling me everything that goes on at work. Its not rude at all, I actually at one point thought there might be something but in my heart I trust him and don't believe he would ever cheat on me!!! Hopefully he will be able to tell me what is going on, once he does I hope it does put us in a better position for ourselves, our family and our marriage. thanks.

Tammy - posted on 07/21/2009

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Julie, I have been married for 23 years, have three children. As I'm sure you have already discovered...marriage is hard work. But the work is so worth it. It's important that you keep the lines of communication open. If I were talking to your husband, I would tell him that he definitely needs to cut back on the video game. Growing as a father and husband cannot be accomplished in front of a TV. My husband and I have a wonderful sex life, even after all these years. It really can keep getting better and better. But that can only happen if you nurture intimacy in every area of your marriage. If you are a reader then I would recommend the following books; The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, The Secret of Loving by Josh McDowell, The Love List by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, and if you and your husband ever have the chance to attend a Family Life Marriage Conference, GO. It will be worth the money. To see if there is a conference in your area visit the Family Life website www.familylife-ccc.org.

Julie - posted on 07/21/2009

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I will look at getting the Dr Laura book thanks.

That is probably true about the sex therapist. I did try talking to him last night. I thought nothing would come of it but when we went to bed, he told me that he is going to cut back is time on the computer to only playing world of warcraft 3 times a week. I think I can deal with that:). But even if he does that I still think we should see a counsellor, but at least i gained something and hopefully we are on our way back to having a healthy sex life.

Thanks Gabi, if anything happens i will sure ask for your advice or just someone to talk to!!

Gabi - posted on 07/21/2009

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Wow honey...I haven't been in the same situation..we've been together 3 years this November, married for a year and 5 months, and even when we are exhausted after taking care of our son, still make the time for each other...I would definitely look into marriage counseling. Personally, I wouldn't go with the sex therapist, that could be embarrassing for him. Find a counselor, then bring up that you think you should go to figure out what's going on with you guys. If he is completely not receptive to the idea of counseling...lets just say my husband and I had other issues a year ago when he acted like an immature ass and wouldn't go to counseling bc "he didn't need it"...it wasn't until after our son was born and he grew up that we finally went and things are ten million times better in every aspect. The video gaming could have a major thing to do with that...feel free to private message me if you need any other advice or just a shoulder. I hope everything works out!

Jasmine - posted on 07/21/2009

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I say listen to Dr. Laura on the radio or visit www.drlaura.com. I am currently reading her book "The proper care and feeding of husbands," It is a total eye opener.

I too went through a tuff period with my husband and he forced me to look at myself and once I did that there was a change in our relationship. A very slow change but we are in a different place today!

Julie - posted on 07/20/2009

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I will ask him about the counselling!!! I was also thinking maybe a sex therapist?? Maybe that might help. I think it might go for it unlike your husbands friend:(

It is the World of Warcraft that is in front of the computer. Luckily when he is not playing it he is not wishing he was.

He is amazing everywhere else but this one thing, just won't happen, but I am not going to let it wreck anything!!

Thanks Ladies for your advice you been a lot of help:)

Michelle - posted on 07/20/2009

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I wish I could help! My hubby and I don't have the same sex life as before, but we're both tired a lot!! We do try new things and my hubby really likes it when we try new things, or I tell him what I want. He also loves cute little outfits. But if he's saying nothing turns him on I don't know what I'd do!! I feel for you! Sorry I couldn't be more help!!

Amanda - posted on 07/20/2009

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I believe that World of Warcraft has a lot to do with this... Is he the type that sits in front of the computer for HOURS on end playing? And when he's not playing it, does he wish he was or talk about it? I married a nerd too :)

Lynn - posted on 07/20/2009

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Wow. I have a girlfriend that has 5 children. And her marriage has basically gone away in the past 4 years due to her husband being married to the computer. I cant really help you on this one. Only thing I can suggest is some sort of marriage counseling. I suggested that to my girlfriend and her husband wouldnt go because he thinks HE has no problem.

Julie - posted on 07/20/2009

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I have talked to him about it numerous times. He cannot explain why he doesn't want to have sex with me. I have tried wearing cute little things but it doesn't get him in the mood at all. I think the only tension we have in the relationships is the lack of sex or any desire for me, and also that he would rather spend time talking to his friends on msn or playing world of warcraft!!:( I married a nerd i know lol... I have asked him what he wants and he says he doesn't know, all he tells me is that nothing turns him on, which i think I am included in it. I have surprised him in something cute but all he says is that looks nice, he doesn't even come up to me when I am wearing he just goes on doing what does. still need help

Lynn - posted on 07/20/2009

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Wow. have you talked to him about him not wanting sex? And when you do want sex, do you ever try wearing cute little things. My husband and I have been together for about 3 years and 10 months and are sex life is still great after one child. But also we make it something we can both enjoy. And when we go shopping, he picks out things he thinks i would look cute in. Is there tension in your relationship? Have you tried to see what he wants? have you surprised him by wearing something cute? Give us some detail girl!

:-p

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