stress on the marriage with a new baby...

Crystal - posted on 04/24/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )

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my husband and i got along perfect before we have our son Ryker, now all we do is fight and yell at each other. I know its suppose to be like this but what things can we do to help?

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Alicia - posted on 04/24/2010

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Everything changes when you have a baby. Even more changes when you go to having two babies. One thing that you really need to focus on is that you both need eachother. You are tired from pregnancy and dealing with a very active toddler and he is tired from working. You probably want him to help more around the house, help with your son more and probably feel like he doesn't understand or care to understand how you are feeling. But he is probably tired from work, tired of feeling like he never gets to sit down and breathe, might miss you, and might wonder why you can't understand that he needs a few minutes to unwind after working all day. When these types of feelings get going, it's hard to throw the emotion brakes on. These are normal feelings after all the changes that occur after adding children to the family dynamics. My advice to you would be to talk about issues at a time when things are not heated and stressful. Save those talks for when your toddler is asleep. But talk about them, don't yell about them. And another thing that I know is hard to do because I myself are pregnant with 3 kids is to think before speaking. Try not to get emotional too quick. Sometimes we go off the deep end and our husbands don't even get the chance to begin to understand the issue. I would try writing things down during the day. Think about it and prepare before bringing something up. And, more importantly, is it worth bringing up? Is it something that is really that important to start a possible argument over? I bet if you start doing this you may begin to see that the problems that you are having aren't that bad. Be open with eachother, and make sure not to insult eachother. And another thing I can guarantee you is a bad idea is using words such as "never" and "always". These words seem to be ignition to manly anger. Just pace yourself and work together as a team instead of facing off like opponents. If you two can get along both your days will be better and your child will be happier too. Never forget why the two of you are together. Remind yourself of these reasons and find a new reason every day. For example, "I love him because he always kisses me goodbye" or "I love him because he is such an awesome dad". Keep it up girl, these moments are some of the most important in a marriage. When your kids grow up and move out you want to be able to look at your husband and feel happy and secure. Keeping that love and honesty alive will help keep your marriage alive. I hope that things go good for you and your family.

Heather - posted on 04/24/2010

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Stop fighting... that will help. Just don't go there. If you start to get upset, acknowledge that you are upset, and probably tired. Let your wonderful husband know that you love him, but you don't agree right now, and need a little bit to calm down. Then go over all the reasons you married your husband, once you remember that you love him unconditionally, think about your disagreement, and decide if you need to talk it out, or if you were over reacting. If you need to talk it out, take your husband into a room away from the baby, and talk it out like adults who love each other. Not like siblings that are forced to live together.

Carolee - posted on 04/24/2010

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Make sure to get some time just to yourselves. It's exhausting to be new parents, but you have to have that hour or so where it's just the two of you. Also, getting out all by yourself (and him getting out all by himself) and spending time with friends every once in a while helps, too.



Also, if you do some "cutsie" things (even if you don't really feel like it) like leaving notes for him to find that say things like "I love you" or "I'm thinking of you" can help.



My husband and I are having a hard time with my pregnancy (due in July, but also have a toddler), and I had to be the one to start leaving the notes where he could find them (on the message board on the side of the fridge). Once I started doing that, he opened up to me a little bit more. It's a good ice-breaker and can get you guys communicating in a good way.



Good luck... how old is the baby?

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