What do u do when someone close to your family is cheating on his wife?

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Maryke - posted on 09/14/2009

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He must make a decission and quick. He is messing with more that one person's feelings and properly with children aswell

Tiffany - posted on 09/13/2009

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I would tell him that you know what he's doing and either tell his wife what he did or you are going to. There is never a good reason to cheat. EVER!!!!!!!!!!

Cynthia - posted on 09/12/2009

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People people this is a very sensitive situation and I understand both sides. When a woman is pregnant she does not want anything to with sex in the first 5 to 7 months. Now the man is suffering along with the wife w/o it. I am not condoning anything that he is doing with his mistress. He is not being patient and waiting until she is comfortable with sex. That man probably loves his wife very much and does not want to leave her. What he needs to do is talk to her and let her know his needs unstead of getting them met by someone else until his wife can. (My Dr. suggested that sex during pregnancy would be beneficial to both husband and wife) and there is no danger to the baby at all. It just sounds like the husband needs to talk to his wife about his needs and also understand his wife needs also, after all she is carrying a new life, extra weight, stress, everything else that goes with pregnancy. Husband please talk to your wife,not to the mistress....

Cynthia - posted on 09/12/2009

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Quoting Becky:

Thanks for all the responses. Its a very sticky situation because the "cheater" is my b-i-l. He openly bragged to my husband and a few other men at a family gathering over the weekend. His wife was sitting just on the opposite side of the door oblivious to what was going on outside. He then left to be with his mistress for an hour and a half with the excuse of going for a beer run. He even called his wife while he was with his mistress. Its a tangled mess and I wish I didn't know about any of it. But I really feel bad for his wife because she is currently 5 months pregnant with their second child.

I really appreciate all the advice though. I have thought about telling him that I know and have seen him but I'm afraid of the outcome too.


 

Cynthia - posted on 09/12/2009

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Ask him what he is not getting at home. Try to be understanding of why he is cheating. Most men only cheat because of a few things: He needs something and dont know how to ask for it or He wants something and is not getting it, maybe the spouse doesn't understand his needs.

Tiffany - posted on 09/11/2009

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Just me and my opinion, but I agree with most of the ladies on here. Telling her could blow up in your face. She may be angry with you for doing so. Why not position yourself (with the wife) so that you can run into him and the mistress. Then you won't have to say anything but also you will be there for support when she sees him. It is a sticky mess! I don't understand why people aren't just honest enough to say "this is not for me" and let the other person move on. I'm sorry you're in this situation. BTW. I didn't see this mentioned but what does your husband think about this? Maybe he should be the one to address it with his brother.

Maria - posted on 09/09/2009

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This is a sticky situation. First of all, I'd say to stay out of it, but personally, if I knew the couple, I'd diplomatically approach the person cheating and tell him or her that if the roles were reversed, and the cheater is now the cheated, how would he or she feel? How would the family feel if they find out? You don't want to be the whistle blower but you certainly will not stand aside and watch someone close to you get hurt either.

SANDRA - posted on 09/03/2009

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I believe that the wife is the first to know, just dosen't have any evendance of it confrontation will indeed wake him up. God says in His word; what we do in seceret, shall be manifested in the light.Be prepared to see your friend through, if you intend to bring this to the light.

Teresa - posted on 08/29/2009

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If it were my hubby that was cheating,I'd want to know!If I knew for a fact that a friend or family members spouse was cheating,I'd definitely tell....immediately!

Becky - posted on 08/19/2009

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Thank you ladies so much for all your suggestions. I am now free of this guilt. I spoke to my BIL and asked him to fess up to his wife. I told him how I felt about what he was doing and that if she were to ask me I wouldn't deny knowing he was screwing around. He refused to tell her so I figured that was all I could do. Unfortuantely for him, his wife overheard our phone convo and confronted him with it. He continued to deny everything. What I didn't know was that she had previously recieved an annonymous letter from an co-worker of his telling her all the specifics of the affair. She called me just as soon as her husband was out of hearing range and asked me what I knew. I told her everything and she thanked me. She had suspicions but didn't have any proof. Me telling her what I saw was enough to give her the courage to confront him about his affair. You should all be happy to know that my husband didn't react the way I was expecting and instead of being angry he supported my decision. Now I have that guilt off my shoulders. I pray that they can come to some kind of agreement in their marriage and that she has the strength to stand up to him if/when she ever has doubts again.

Mary - posted on 08/19/2009

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If I knew for a fact this person was cheating, I'd tell. Period. I wouldn't confront the person and let him/her know that you know. You're just giving him/her time to figure out another lie to tell his significant other - and it would probably involve telling the significant other something derogatory about you to undermine the relationship you have with this person. I was in this situation and believe me, even when confronted by 3 people, he STILL tried to lie his way out of it with his wife. Surprise attack all the way. But again, only if I knew without a doubt would I say anything.

Leigh - posted on 08/18/2009

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Always the messenger gets the arrow. I think if I was in this position & none of my sister in laws let me know what was going on & they KNEW, I would not want to have much more to do with them. On the other hand, don't be the messenger, send a note, or take your BIL out for a chat to tell him that you're going to speak to his wife. He's completely disrepectful towards her/marriage/their relationship anyway, & is so because he can get away with it.

[deleted account]

i really hate when ppl do tht!

i knew a friend whose husband was cheating on her. i mean he owned a nightclub so yea--big surprise but i found out and i just couldnt say anything i wanted to but that happened to me before when i told a close friend and she blew up on me for telling her. so after tht! well..i just leave it alone..

[deleted account]

The most powerful thing you can do is pray, pray, pray! The only one who set someone straight the right way is God. Whenever we try to get involved, we just muddle things up. God is powerful. God is also faithful. God is the one who instituted marriage, and he is the one who can put this marriage back together.

Becky - posted on 08/17/2009

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Thanks for all the responses. Its a very sticky situation because the "cheater" is my b-i-l. He openly bragged to my husband and a few other men at a family gathering over the weekend. His wife was sitting just on the opposite side of the door oblivious to what was going on outside. He then left to be with his mistress for an hour and a half with the excuse of going for a beer run. He even called his wife while he was with his mistress. Its a tangled mess and I wish I didn't know about any of it. But I really feel bad for his wife because she is currently 5 months pregnant with their second child.



I really appreciate all the advice though. I have thought about telling him that I know and have seen him but I'm afraid of the outcome too.

Tami - posted on 08/15/2009

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I wouldn't ignore it, but that's just me. I'd confront the cheater and give him an ultimatum like the others said. "You have three days to tell your wife or I will...." or something like that. And even if you do end up having to be the one to tell her, put yourself in her shoes, wouldn't you want to know? She could potentially be at risk for disease, etc. And what if you don't tell.... and she finds out later that you knew and never told her? I don't know that I could forgive a friend who knew my husband cheated and chose not to tell me - that's unforgivable. Just my 2 cents... Good luck, you're in a horrible position and I don't envy you.

Jeni - posted on 08/14/2009

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I agree that this is a sticky situation and that it's best that she hear it from her husband. Most men would probably rather be the one to tell their wife if they think you're going to do it. I don't think I would actually want to tell the spouse though. I think it's best to encourage the husband to fess up. You also have to remember that even though you have the best intentions by telling the wife, she will probably resent you for a very long time as the person who ruined her life because you were the one that told her what was going on. It's hard to be thankful at a time like that.

Dian - posted on 08/13/2009

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Hmmm.. I may be the odd one out to say that I think marital communications are exclusive. This kind of news is bad news but it is also confidential. It best comes from none other than the perpetrator. If you stick your foot in, then you'll be part of the story of this unravelling of a marriage; I don't think it's a good place to be for any person. The wife may also not appreciate that a 3rd party has knowledge of her husband inflicting very private pain to her.

The furthest I would go is to repeat the circumstances of the run in with the husband in a most casual nonchalant way I can i.e. hey i ran into your husband at X place at X time. If she picks up the topic, you can follow with yea, he was with X person, is she his cousin? They looked pretty friendly. If she asks more question, I won't say more or would choose my words carefully as this will be bound to be repeated to the husband and I'm sure you'll have to verify that you said such words. If it piques her interest she can ask her husband more about it. If her husband confronts you about it you can innocently enough tell him you didn't know it was a big secret.

Lynn - posted on 08/13/2009

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I would recommend pretty much what the other ladies are saying. If you are certain he is cheating, and are not just assuming, inform him that if he does not tell his wife, you will. But as Shelly says, I am sure there will be anger from him, and or her. Be prepared to defend yourself. But I would certainly recommend doing something about it. Wouldnt you want to be informed if your husband were cheating on you?

JoAnn - posted on 08/13/2009

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I have gone to the person that was cheating and told them that I know. Tell them you won't lie to their spouse if the question ever comes up.

Shelly - posted on 08/13/2009

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Becky,

Have you talk to the person that is cheating??? If you are close to this person go to them and give them a chance to rectify thier mistakes if they choose not to then go to the person that is being cheated on...Just let the person that is cheating have the chance to make it right and if they choose to fix it then leave it alone if they don't then you need to step in...But be prepared b/c you may become a target of thier anger you may be aqused of trying to break up thier marriage...So you need to prepare your self for many different responces....Good luck and let us know how it goes

[deleted account]

Eeek! This is touchy. Okay, so if some guy I knew was cheating on his wife, I'd tell him to either knock it off or 'fess up. That's just me. I've been cheated on several times (in prior relationships), and I just think it is the most disrespectful thing EVER! That is someone intentionally going out of their way to hurt their partner. If he wants to be with this other woman, than he needs to have the balls to tell his wife.

Has this guy told you that he's cheating? If so, I'd let him know that if he didn't make a decision one way or the other soon, I'd take care of telling his wife. Even if I didn't like his wife, no woman (or man, for that matter) deserves to be cheated on, and has a right to know if it's a continuous thing.

Brandy - posted on 08/13/2009

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i'd give him an ultimatum... either he tells her and faces his situation instead of running from it... or you tell her.

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