When does having a miscarriage get easier?

Sara - posted on 11/07/2009 ( 34 moms have responded )

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I had a miscarriage Sept 20th and I am still very upset about it, I constantly want to cry. Everyone at the dr and hospital kept saying well you already have one baby! That is great, but I wanted that baby too! I thought I was getting better, and we are trying again,but it is constantly on my mind....HELP!

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Dalaine - posted on 11/15/2009

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It takes lots of time...I've had 2 miscarriages before having my son. All advice I can give you, that worked even better than the depression meds is TALK. Talk, talk and talk...you will be surprised to hear how many people had the same experience as you, and it does give you some comfort to talk to some one that's been through the same experience as you. Goodluck and may you fall pregnant soon again!!!

Sheri - posted on 11/09/2009

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I cannot believe your doctor's office and hospital are saying that to you! Ick!!! That just seems really insensitive to me, and I would find it offensive and upsetting. You didn't miscarry that long ago, and it seems like you are still very much grieving for the loss of that baby. Grief is a very tricky emotion, and nobody can tell you how to do it. If you are feeling sad, it is totally understandable! You are allowed to feel this way. Be easy on yourself and give yourself time to grieve. The loss of a pregnancy, at any stage, is still a loss of life and it is still painful. I'd like to say it goes away, but I miscarried in August of 2008 and I still think about it every day. I did go on to try again, and have a beautiful son as a result of that, but there will always be a hole in my heart for that one child that is missing. I think I will always grieve for that loss, and there is nothing abnormal about that. So please, allow yourself the time to be upset, to cry if you want to, and don't listen to those who say comments like "Well you already have one baby", or "You can always try again". Blech!



That being said, I do believe that people don't generally know what to say to a person when faced with situations of grief. By saying "You already have one baby", they may just be trying to point out that the child in your life is a blessing. It is more an attempt to distract you from your pain, rather than make it sound like it is no big deal. Does this make sense? It is a natural reaction for people to want to cheer someone up by distracting them with a "positive" thought. But when you are grieving, that can seem like the last thing you want to hear.



Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to feel the emotions you are feeling. Cry if you want to. Take the time to acknowledge the little life that you lost, rather than trying to pretend that you should just be alright. Don't let anyone make you feel like you should just get over it. You can grieve any way you are comfortable grieving.



I bought a book called Trying Again, though I cannot remember the author at the moment. It is about trying to conceive again after experiencing miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. I found it tremendously helpful. You can probably find it easily on Amazon, and I highly recommend it. Hope that helps. (((hugs)))

Jennifer - posted on 11/07/2009

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ive had a miscarriage also it was back in june of 2005 my son was 2 1/2 at the time i was only 5 weeks along and i had just went to the dr and found out i was prego and just a week later i started bleeding and went to the er and they told me i had lost the baby well it took me months to get over that and i still think about it but 11 months after that happend i got prego with my lil girl and every time i look at her i think what would that baby have looked like are acted like but God had other plans for me and at the time i guess it wasnt the right time for me to have a baby and i still dont no why it happend but slowly over time it will get better but it will never leave your mind and one way that some one told me that would help only if it would help with the loss and if you already have a child get u a lil balloon and put a lil message in the balloon and release it to heaven and that will give you some closer i hope this helps

Elaine - posted on 11/07/2009

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Hi Sara, well it takes time i guess its been just over 15 years and i still think of the baby now and again.... after the loss i did cry alot while i was in the hospital my parents took everything from the house and put it away... my older girls just asked what happen... it took me months to tell them... and all i could muster is god said he wanted the baby and when we are ready he will give the baby back to us.... about a year latter I had Mercedes Kristin.... "God only gives us what we can handle and at times to teach us something... and it takes a lonnnng time to understand . so give your little one that extra love until its time to share the love.... sending you a hug and it will be ok... you will never forget but it will be ok.... HUG

Alicia - posted on 11/07/2009

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I lost a baby at 10 weeks.It seemed like it took forever for me to finally feel better. It doesnt get any easier. People always tell you that it will get easier as time passes. I dont think that it does. I know have a wonderful two yr. old little girl who was born a yr to the day that I had my miscarriage. keep your head up and try and focus on the positive things

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Tina - posted on 11/13/2009

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Oh hon... I know where you're at. It takes time- a lot of time, I think. At least it has for me.

Find a support group in your area if you can...I found a great one and it has indeed helped.

Julie - posted on 11/13/2009

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It takes time, just like getting over losing anyone you love. Just because you hadn't actually given birth to that child doesn't mean you feel the loss any less.
Having another child will help you move on but you will always remember the one you lost, it just gets easier to live with as time goes on.

Pernette - posted on 11/13/2009

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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost our son on Mother's Day 2000. We were supposed to go find out the sex of our baby that morning. When I sat up in bed my water broke. I was six months pregnant and our doctor did not want to try and save the baby. I was made to deliver the baby without any pain medication because he didn't want to slow down the process. I grieved for months. I was inconsolable.



Every month I kept trying and I kept getting worse. Finally I decided that I would stop trying and got on the pill. Well, the following month I felt sick and took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Even though I was ecstatic about baby #2 I was fearful. We immediately switched doctors since uncaring doctor #1 didn't even remember that I had lost the first baby (even though he had my chart right in front of him). I had a very high risk pregnancy with months of bedrest and hospital stays, but we finally delivered a healthy baby girl (who was actually overdue-she didn't want to come out). Then nine months later (after getting on the pill) I was pregnant again-surprise! We now have two beautiful girls.



My initial doctor was uncaring. My second doctor, who specialized in high risk pregnancy, took his time with us and made sure that we knew it was ok to grieve for our first child even though we were fortunate enough to have our second. During this time my sister was diagnosed with a terminal cancer. When we knew that she only had a month to live I told him about it. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and I was on bedrest because I went into early labor and was being closely monitored. I told him I wanted to see my sister. He didn't even hesitate. He called his nurse, had her copy all my files, gave me his office, pager, cellphone and home numbers and told me to have them call him immediately if anything happened to me (God Bless him!) My point is that you may have to find someone who is supportive of you to be your doctor. Someone who is caring and understands that grief is also part of the process of healing.



Do not be afraid to cry. This is part of the process. There will be some people who say get over it or who are uncomfortable about being around you. Well, so be it! This is not about them, this is about you and how you feel. I would say that you try to do things to keep yourself busy and grounded. The more you get on with your life (at your own pace) the easier it will get. It has been nine years for me and I still think of him from time to time. I will take out the picture that I have of him and look at it and smile or shed a tear (or both). He was a blessing to me. He brought my dh and myself much closer and made me realize how much I truly wanted to be a mom.

Kimberly - posted on 11/12/2009

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I cling to the memories and pray. I give a dollar for the baby we lost each week at church along with the 5 for our other wonderful children. I think about how old the baby would be and give to a homeless person. I use every memory to do good for someone else, I think I am trying to mend my broken heart piece by piece.

Karen - posted on 11/12/2009

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I had my first mc with my 3rd pregnancy. I ached so much. I was just shocked, as I always thought it would be easy for me to have the large family I desired. Everyone gave me the pat answers which never helped.

Then, I had my 2nd.... and I was even more depressed. When I got pregnant for the 4th time, I wasn't very hopeful for the outcome, but delivered a healthy baby boy 9 months later.

Then, I got pregnant again... and again... and again.... and again.... losing each one in mc. Then... after over 3 years of no pregnancy, I had an ectopic pregnancy.

I have 7 babies in heaven that I never got to hold in my arms... to nurse... to rock.... to watch for those precious mile stones. I recorded each of them... and named them... and to me, they will always be a part of our family that we just haven't met yet.. but someday will.

It hurts, and only those who have gone through it understand that hurt. I know that my faith in God has been the only thing that has gone through it. I meditate on the scripture... "He gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Job said that.. after hearing the news of the death of all of his children in one day.

Cherish the little one that you never held, but trust the One that created him/her. I don't understand the reason that God allowed my little ones to die, but I trust that they are enjoying their life in a perfect place.

Maria - posted on 11/11/2009

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as long as your crying ... you're healing ... when you lose a lot of sleep or weight ... then I would seek medical help ... could need a boost in you chemistry (anti-dep or anti-anx) ... to calm the waters ... PRAYING heals ones soul .... worth trying!



I have had 6 mc ... and it makes me smile knowing they're in heaven ... and that is, after all, a parent's ultimate goal for their child ... without a doubt!

Lynn - posted on 11/11/2009

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I have not been in this situation. But it is truly sad that the doctors and nurses try and find a way to excuse the tragedy. What a shame.

Jenn - posted on 11/11/2009

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It takes a while. I don't know why people think already having a child makes the loss of another any more bearable. I lost a baby in April and found out I was pregnant again in June that made it better-being able to focus on the new baby. Expect Thanksgiving and Christmas to be a bit blue, but hopefully with the new year and focusing on the hope of a new year will help you. You never forget tho.

Iliana - posted on 11/11/2009

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For me it was 14 yrs ago when it happened; and I still get upset; but with time you'll feel better. It's really been too soon for everyone to expect you to just forget about it, because honestly you never will forget. You'll just learn to go on and be the best mom to the children you have and will have. I've told my kids about it and they look forward to meeting him/her in heaven one day!

Vickie - posted on 11/11/2009

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Hello Sara, It takes a long time. For each woman, it is different. The drs & nurses will always tell you things like: "This is nature's way of sayiing something wasn't right." or "It just wasn't meant to be but you can try again in ____ months or a year and you will have a healthy baby next time." In my opinion, that is just empty words. A miscarriage is still a form of death & you will mourn in your own way and in your own time.

In the past, I had gone thru several miscarriages & the last one was the most devastating. Looking back, it seemed that all I did was cry. Some women are blessed & will go on to have a healthy baby. Others, like myself, will try everything before there comes a time when one can't got thru the pain & disappointment anymore. That's when you turn to adoption & your child is born in your heart instead of under it.

At this point, to keep trying will you are still mourning your loss could delay things. You need to find your way & if your grief continues to eat away at you, then it is time to make up your mind to let go. Easier said than done. There are a lot of good resources out there, whether it is books or talking to a nurse or going for grief counselling. I hope you will be able to find peace within yourself. Right now, it is still pretty much too soon for you. Don't let your pain destroy your marriage either.

Lauri - posted on 11/10/2009

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Hi sara,

Ive had 2 miscarries.

After 2 yrs of trying to get pregnant, we got pregnant in may 05, and miscarried unexpectedly in June 05, I was almost 8 wks. I had to have cysts removed and my uterus fixed, ( think that was part of the problem why i Misc.) This was in Oct 05.

Then I got pregnant, in Nov 05, with my daughter. she is now 3. And I just had another miscg, in Jan this yr. at 9 wks. Its really hard still for me , and I get upset about them, and even when I see babies at the store, It sometimes bothers me. and I do wonder what he/she would have been like too. Especially the last one, I would have had the baby in August.

My daughter loves playing with babies,and would like for her to be a big sister. and I would like to have another one too, but I dont want to go through all this again of possibly losing another. We have been going back and forth on the issue of having another one, for almost a yr. I think I may just settle for one, and be blessed to have one healthy child.

Take care, It will pass soon, but you will always think about your loss.

And Just let you know I take Lexapro every once in a while, because I still get depressed about them. I really helps me to function during the day, and get my mind back straight.

Nichole - posted on 11/10/2009

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I am sorry to hear of your loss and everyone elses. I don't think that you ever really get over losing a child. Whether it is miscarraige or after birth. I had 2 miscarriages. I was 7 weeks with both of them. The first was twins and i didn't know that I had miscarried until I was 12 weeks. Then had to wait another weeks to have a D and C done. The second was like the first but only it was one child. I still think about my babies every once in a while even though I have 3 other beautiful children. It gets easier but you never forget. God has His hand in every aspect pf pur lives and He had a reason for taking all of our babies home to Him. All you can do is trust in Him to see you though it. "If He can bring you to it, He can bring you through it."

Beth - posted on 11/10/2009

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You will never get over your miscarriage, however, you will get through it. Time is the key. It is ok to grieve your loss. No one can tell you how to feel. Talking about your loss to those who understand helps, but if you do not know anyone, I am here to listen. Get out your emotions. That is the first key to getting better.
Keep busy, enjoy the child that you have, and be kind to yourself.

Kim - posted on 11/09/2009

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Sara...I am so sorry for your loss. No matter how soon it happened, it's still a loss and feel free to grieve as much as you need/want to. I think miscarriage/stillbirths (now called babies born sleeping) gets brushed under the rug and is to never be talked about again. To me, that's just wrong, wrong, wrong. In fact, in some states moms are pushing to have birth certificates and death certificates issued to miscarried babies. Please count your blessings...you do already have one healthy baby who needs your love and affection. Sometimes when we hurt for one of our children we forget about our other ones who still need us.
I do believe that when something bad happens, something good always comes from it. You may not know what that 'something good' is yet but, I promise, it will come. I bet if you look around on the internet or call your local hospitals, there are probably Infancy Loss Support Groups you can join. Take a deep breath and relax, your body is uptight and stressed and that may be preventing you from getting pregnant again.

Tammy - posted on 11/09/2009

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I have no idea, I had a miscarriage in Aug. of this year and I dread the first wk of each month. I hear it gets better but when I have no idea. Unlike you my husband and I have decided that one is all we will have. I just cannot imagine going thru that horrible experience again. Good luck

[deleted account]

I am sorry for your loss! It takes time for the greiving process to complete itself. Try not to dwell on the loss, or the baby. Do not let comments like- "you already have a baby" trouble you. Comments like that are said by well meaning, but clueless people.



It is said that time heals all wounds. It does not heal the wounds, but gives the mind time to grapple with the grief, and learn to deal with it.



Blessed Be...

Denise - posted on 11/09/2009

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Like most people here have said, I don't know that you ever get over it. I had a miscarriage on April 22 and have been trying to get pregnant since we got the all clear from the doctor. My son (1 year) is a wonderful child but it still hurts. Even after all this time I still find myself crying once and a while think I'd be at this stage or that stage of the pregnancy.

Kathy - posted on 11/09/2009

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I had a miscarriage June 2008 and I dont think I actually got over it. We recently had a baby boy, strangely on the same day that we found out last year that we lost the first one, which was my mom's birthday, and it still stings a lil. Regardless of how long it is after, that baby will have always been your baby, so I dont think it actually goes away. But it does get better. With time. I think I cried for like 2 months solid. Having another baby helped, but then I was so worried. So what ever happens, good luck.

Maria - posted on 11/08/2009

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I hate to say it, but it doesn't get any easier; but with time, the pain heals with the memory.

[deleted account]

I had a miscarriage in 1996 and there is not a day that gose by that I dont think about that baby. I am a christian and I believe that when I get to heaven God will reunite me with my first child. A Dr. once told me to name the baby sometimes that helps.

I will be praying for you. God bless, ~Shelly~

[deleted account]

Just let yourself grieve until you are done. My daughter was my first pregnancy (1985), and after she died (1987) at 21 months, I miscarried my 2nd (1989), 3rd (1990), and 6th (1993) pregnancies. My 4th (1992) was my beautiful son, and my 5th (1992) was an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. I still miss the opportunity to have had my children . . . I don't know if you really ever get over it . . . you just learn to live with it. My miscarriages obviously pale in comparison to dealing with the death of my daughter, but it still bothers me from time to time.

Kristina - posted on 11/08/2009

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im very sorry for your loss. My husband and I are in the same exact boat! I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have my tube removed. That was in august. We really wanted that baby but we were ok with it, understanding that it was God's way of letting us know that it wasn't going to become a healthy baby. BUT now that we are trying again, everytime I read a negative pregnancy test, my heart breaks even more for the baby we lost. I wish you the best, I'm thinking its not going to get any better until a positive pregnancy test comes back. If you ever need to talk, please let me know!!

When they did my surgery, they took pictures while they were inside and in one of them, we can see the baby clearly, the head, body, and tail. I look at them and want to cry. May God bless you with another baby very soon!



BTW, we do have a very healthy happy 15mo. old that we are very blessed to have.

Lisa - posted on 11/08/2009

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Sorry to hear about your loss , I miscarried almost 25 years but it took along time to get over it , after I had my other kids it was much easier but i sometimes would still think what if , my grandmother told me just say you werent pregnant and it will make things better. You love that child just as if u do the ones you have. But keep your chin up it will get better.

Bethany - posted on 11/07/2009

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Oh hun I'm so sorry. Losing a baby is hard, and having other children doesn't necessarily make it easier. Sometimes doctors and nurses can be so insensitive about that! You just lost a child you love, and for others to try to brush it off is ridiculous. My husband and I have lost four babies, and I can tell you that there is still a little hole in my heart that hasn't healed yet. The first was almost three years ago, the last one in May.

I've found that the best way of dealing with the pain is to accept it when it hits, and not try to ignore or fight it. You lost your child. That is something that doesn't just go away quickly. My husband has spent many nights just holding me while I cry, even months afterward. Just because our babies weren't born yet doesn't mean it is any less significant or painful. I think a lot of people don't understand that. Give yourself time to grieve, even while you're trying to conceive again.

Crystal - posted on 11/07/2009

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That is a thought that will stay on your mind, or it does mine anyway. My first pregnancy ended with a miscarriage in 1997. I have two wonderful children now. It will get easier, it just takes time. I wish you and yours the very best, my heart goes out to you!

Jessica - posted on 11/07/2009

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let yourself go through the grieving process...its ok to cry and its ok to not like the answer well you already have one! they are different and if/when you get pregnant again it will not be a replacement. youre doing the right thing by reaching out for support dont hold it in

Michelle - posted on 11/07/2009

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I still think about the one baby we lost. It was our first attempt and we were so excited when we found out. We went to the first ultrasound and that's when we found out. It was the hardest thing my husband and I have gone through. It took us a long time to try again, and I wasen't sure I wanted too. But now we have a beautiful, healthy and happy baby girl!! Good luck with your next attempt, and try to stay positive. If you want this bad enough it will happen when the time is right.

Denisha - posted on 11/07/2009

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I am sorry to hear about your baby I know it hurts but it does get better your other children will make sure of that! I have lost 2 girls 1 when i was 6 months and 1 when i was 7 months and I had to have c-sections. I had a little girl before the micarriages and the best thing anyone said to me was "As long as your a mother you are blessed because some aren't able to have any children at all" If you ever need to talk please write I know how it feels dear. You and your family will be in my prayers. Denisha

Katherine - posted on 11/07/2009

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It will take a long time! I had fertilty problems and after 2 years and many drugs was able to get pregnant. My second time still took drugs but not as long. I then got pregnant while nursing. I quit nursing and lost that baby at 10 weeks. I took more drugs after several months and got pregnant again. I ended up losing this baby at 12 weeks. I took more drugs later and got pregnant. I was put on semi-bed rest during my first trimester and took progestrone shots. My beautiful daughter was born then on Halloween. We wanted to try 1 more time so more drugs. I lost that one at 14 weeks. There are still times when I wonder about those children. BTW, the youngest one would be about 4 1/2 now. I'm done. I couldn't take the emotional and physical pain any more. I have 3 beautiful children but wanted more. Maybe one day we'll adopt but I knew when it was enough for me. BTW, my mom died 5 years ago and I can still tear up about losing her! There is no timetable on grief, just don't let it consume you!

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