Why do people try to defend their actions about having sex before marriage?

Venessa - posted on 12/06/2009 ( 76 moms have responded )

96

10

4

I have noticed alot that people who had kids or who were pregnant when they got married seem to be a bit embarrassed by it. I had DS when I was 18 and do not regret it for 1 moment (I wouldn't recommend having a baby that young but I don't regret it). I don't think you should be embarrassed to have had sex before you are married. I believe that for every couple it is a personal choice that should be taken together and not taken lightly. I have friends who did not have sex before they were married and they know that I did and it is not something that ever has come between us. We have discussed why we made the choices we made and respect the choices that the other made. I have friends who got married because they were pregnant which I do not agree with but I have never made this known to my friends who have done it as it is their choice and I'm sure they did not agree with me not getting married before DS was born. I decided that I was not going to get married at 18 as I could not see myself staying with the same person for life at that age but I was wrong and when DS was 4 we got married and are still very happy together but before we got married I was already trying for my 2nd baby, who didn't come till 17mths after we got married. DS is now 12 and he knows that he was born before we were married when we were very young and that's ok with him as he's been brought up to not be judgemental.

I just find it very sad that people are embarrassed by something that they did at a different time, when they were younger and it was probably what they wanted to do at the time so it shouldn't be embarrassing.

I know people have very strong views on sex before marraige and I says before it shoud always be a personal decision but I don't think people should have to defend that decision one way or the other.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Sherin - posted on 01/15/2010

11

8

3

Wow. I'm pretty bugged at this whole thread. Most of you act as if though a woman's life is completely messed up for having sex before marriage or having a child without being married. Since the rules of Circle of Moms allow us to state our opinions, I will too. Instead of judging a woman's entire life based on YOUR decisions and YOUR religion, try to be a little understanding. It's so rude to act like your better than everyone else because of these things. I would be more embarrassed of behaving this way than to reach out to someone who needs encouragement to find within themselves the courage to deal with life as it is and will become. Not "shame on you for what you did!" But instead,"there will be obstacles that are acquired and obstacles that are unforeseen, but either way, you can do this!" So to any other mom that was bugged or offended as I was, keep your chin up and smile because your beautiful, and I'm proud of you for raising your child(ren) with or without the father.

Nichole - posted on 12/16/2009

51

63

2

OK, my daughters are old enough that they are talking about sex now.

I am telling them to wait.

They have their choice, sure, but it was my choice to have them at 18. Then, that was the last thing I had a choice in, for alot of years. As a single parent for five years I didn't get much say in any aspect of our lives, it was all dictated by what kind of crummy job I could get (with no education past high school), what kind of crummy place I could afford to live in(with my crummy job), and what crappy daycare would I have to dump them in for fourty-five hours a week. This isn't the forum where young girls might be influenced by what I say, but I WISH THAT EVERY TEENAGE GIRL could be put in the position that I found myself in- between buying a MUCH-NEEDED ANTIBIOTIC for a sick baby or PAYING THE ELECTRIC BILL- before they fool around in the baby-making scenarios teenagers always find themselves in. Amen.

Jamie - posted on 02/28/2010

95

16

3

I was also at my parent's wedding, though it was before I was born, lol. :)



I am all for everyone having thier own opinions on this, but it can be a very touchy subject. I think the reason people have to defend the decision is because they have been judged by someone, one way or the other. In my experience, those that feel it should wait until marriage tend to look down on those that don't. I did not, and I am not ashamed of it. I was younger than was probably smart, but I was raised from a very early age to believe that sex was not a bad thing, but that is shouldn't be taken lightly, and that it should be between two consenting adults who care for each other. At 15, I met someone who I cared very much about, and 15 years later, we are still together, and now married. I have found that the desire to wait until after marriage results in people not living together before they are married, or rushing to get married before they really know each other as well as they should. I do have a pair of friends who were the exception, they did live together a year before getting married, but did not have sex before thier wedding day, so it is possible, its just not how it usually goes!

I am a firm believer in living together before you get married; you can't truly know someone without living together first!!! There's so much about a person, and your relationship that you learn!! :)



As far as the committing to a child, but not to that child's father; some people don't beleive words uttered before a priest or a justice of the peace are needed to commit themselves to each other. My husband and I did have a ceremony (not in a church) but we were married to each other already in our eyes, we didn't need the ceremony. We just wanted a huge party, and I wanted to be able to change my last name without having to fight to do so in court.

Amanda - posted on 01/17/2010

2

1

0

I grew up in a strictly religeous community and the whole 'no sex before marriage' regeme applied upon us youngsters was, from what I witnessed, very harmful. Now in my 30's most of the first marraiges I saw have ended as everyone was so desperate to get married so they could openly have sex - when most of them were anyway only no one knew. Some of these marriages were abusive with many not having the maturity to live in a full time relationship away from home - one friend of mine got married at just 16 to a man who regularly physically abused her, others got married to people really unsuitable because they thought they would be on the shelf and would never have sex (I'm not saying that all young marriages end this way - just the ones that I saw). I got married when I was 18 because someone saw me kissing my boyfriend and we were given an ultimatum by the elders: get married or split up. Our marriage lasted only 6 years and our son is now 10. Thankfully we are still good friends but both agree that we should never have married so young. Ironically, we were thrown out of our congregation because someone gleefully grassed us up for having sex before we were married, which resulted in a very isolated existance for me as a young divorced mum and my ex had a break down - we both now have close family who no longer talk to us.

On the other hand, sex outside of marriage needs to be responsible. I can't say that being promiscuous is a good idea because the higher the numbers, the higher the risk but since the late 1960's we've had far greater control over our fertility - something that was not available during the historical development of sexual morals. I know contraception is not 100% reliable but it is far more reliable than using nothing at all.

And teenage pregnancy? Women have been having children when their bodies have been a hotbed of hormones for an awfully long time - unfortunately this coincides with when girls are doing GCSEs and A Levels in our culture. Let's not forget it takes an entire village to raise a child - the nuclear family with just a mummy and a daddy is not enough, so looking down on single mothers is unproductive. Maybe we should be asking questions as to why our youngsters want to have children that young and why something so natural as having sex and children impedes personal progress.

My points? Balance and reasonableness are the best qualities to inculcate in our children to keep them safe - extremism in this case is damaging: see 'no sex before marriage' in its historical context; and lets look at how we are raising our kids as a community because if they are making unwise choices, it has something to do with their environment.

I realise my essay may raise a few issues but my husband and I married for legal reasons because it made providing for our children easier, otherwise we were quite happy to remain unmarried - til death do us part. Now we are, I am happy but bristle when I get called by my husband's name. Why do people find this necessary? My point? Sexual politics are at the bottom of so many debates.

Thank you for listening :)

Cassana - posted on 12/20/2009

109

13

8

I'm just going to point out a very obvious fact...just because your married doesn't mean that one day you won't end up split up from your husband anyway, and there are no guarantees that a signed piece of paper means your relationship will last a lifetime, it takes work and commitment to make a relationship last a lifetime, not a piece of paper and a ceremony. my parents had me before they were married and I got the joy of being a bridesmaid for them which to this day was one of the loveliest days of my life as a child, they are still together now and still happily married. I had 2 children with my now husband before we were married and one after. I have no regrets about either situation but people should not be judgemental, but at the end of the day a signed piece of paper holds no guarantees in anything. I believe me and my husband will last as we've already been through an incredible amount together and stresses that I can't start to explain and married or not I love him and our children and at the end of the day thats what counts!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

76 Comments

View replies by

Tanya - posted on 02/21/2011

518

35

83

I don't feel anyone can judge. This is a personal choice. I have never had to defend any of my actions sexual or otherwise nor would I to another person that really is in no position to place judge on me. But I also hold no judge on another person. Honestly it has never come up in my everyday.

[deleted account]

i have never defended my reasoning about having sex before marriage as i don't think its anyones business and if i had of waited i wouldn't have my son

Katherine - posted on 02/02/2011

440

0

33

i am by no means embarrassed by having sex before marriage or being 7 months pregnant when i waddled down the aisle. Sure my Dad and his Dad werent happy because they were old fashioned and we did get married sooner because our dads were gonna have a heart attack about it but we were engaged already. I do not regret havin gmy daughter when I was 21 nor do I regret marrying my husband. We are going on 9 years of marriage and 10 years of being together. not ashamed of it at all. I am extrememly happy about my choices even more know since my father has passed, if i didnt do it then then he would not have been able to walk his daughter down the aisle. the best part it was all recorded

Keira - posted on 01/24/2011

36

11

2

I think there is a huge difference in having SEX outside of marriage and having CHILDREN outside of marriage. Sure there are risks, but I was active for 10 years before getting pregnant because I was very careful to minimize my risks. I did not have my daughter until i was ready to support another person, and getting pregnant was a conscious choice for me and my husband (after 2 years of marriage).

On the other hand, I do feel that marriage is not necessary to have a child, and that a loving stable home is far more important than having 2 parents married. Love and affection, and having one's needs met is a far bigger indicator of a child's happiness and success than whether or not the child's parents are married (or were married when they had him/her). I have a good friend who had her son a few months before I had my daughter, and she made the decision for herself. She had a stable job, drive and ambition, and is self-sufficient. He is a wonderful child, who is sweet and well-behaved, and very smart. She is not married to his father, and never was, but occasionally accidents happen and a REAL parent does what is best for everyone, and doesn't get married just because. How many kids turned into messed up adults because mom and dad "stayed together for the kids" and actually hated/resented/couldn't stand each other. It is far better to show a child many healthy relationships (not just with boyfriends/girlfriends, but also with extended family, and friendships), than one unhealthy marriage.

Amber - posted on 01/18/2011

280

17

7

i don't know about any of this, and i don't believe in God or any of that stuff, but i do know that i'm very very glad i didn't get married to the person i had a child with. i got pregnant when i was 17 and the father, at the time, was so immature. we broke up when our son was 6 months old, and he has never really known any different. to him, it is normal that we aren't together, and my husband is an amazing step-father [soon to be daddy, finally, to a child of our own]. my son is so lucky to be able to have such a loving, involved, happy extended family. he is the only grandchild on three sides and he loves it, as does everyone else. he thinks it's cool that he has three sets of grandparents! i think, as long as everyone is happy and healthy, and the child is surrounded by love no matter what, that it doesn't matter about sex or marriage or anything. as long as your family, however you choose to live, is perfect for you (:

Lynn - posted on 09/18/2010

1,042

33

174

Why do people try and defend their actions? How about instead, ask why is it we feel that people need to explain their actions to "us'? We never ever have room to judge people, do we? We are not God. We do not decide things for God. We should not make it our job to Judge others and their actions. Instead, we should tell them its ok what they have done, And that we will love everyone anyways. Does anyone agree, or am I way off?

Jamie - posted on 09/17/2010

88

29

1

Well, I did not have sex before I was married. I walked down the aisle a virgin. My husband was also a virgin. I was 21, and he was 23. I never planned to be wait for marriage. I just wanted it to be with someone special. By the time I finally met someone that I felt I loved I was 20, and we decided "what the heck, why not wait?" All I can say is I don't think you need to have sex before marriage to see if you are compatible. I have a GREAT sex life, we are very sexually active with one another, and are madly in love. I don't care if people sleep together before hand or not... I am just relating MY experience. To be honest, eventhough I am a Christian I will not DEMAND that my children remain virgins. I think if they do then that's GREAT, but if not I completely understand! As far as having kids outside of marriage... my mom had me when she was 16, and she worked 2 jobs, went to school at night, and is my hero. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been, but I know she wouldn't have changed it even if she could of...

Haley - posted on 09/16/2010

21

30

3

I got married when I was around 4 months pregnant. I know everybody probably assumed it was "just because" I got pregnant but we were already planning a wedding. We didn't plan on getting married for ab another year but I mean we just felt we loved each other without a doubt would be together forever so we figured why wait! We were bringing a baby into this world so why not do it as a family! But I share your thoughts! Nobody should feel guilty for a previous decision that they have made. You can't go back and change time so deal with it!!

Tammy - posted on 09/16/2010

44

104

0

i had sex before marraige and for a while I felt like i was gunna go to hell for it because i have a strong faith in God. but now we are married with 2 beautiful kids and another on the way Ive got to be honest I think the most important thing is that you love eachother and are serious. its better to be having sex outside of marraige in a loving relationship than having meaningless sex with lots of strangers. To me that is wrong, but each to their own as they say and we all have to live with our actions at the end of the day whatever they may be

Brenda - posted on 09/11/2010

71

38

5

i agree Venessa!!! i had both my kids before we got married (not fully my choice with my son) but i was just as happy with how we were. I've never been embarassed about having 2 kids out of wedlock and my extended family is extremely conservitive in that way. No one should be embarassed about anything in their lives because we wouldn't be who we are and where we are today without our little "mistakes" (as some people call them). Im proud of my kids always have been and always will be...

Corky - posted on 09/11/2010

18

26

1

ok time fore to cut in I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 18 there was no way I was getting married at 19 now understand we did not have sex for a year after we started dating but we did have premarital sex, he was a virgin when we got together I was his first he was not mine but its ok we are both fine with it we got married sept 20th 2004 our first born and only child for right now was born on Oct 8 2004 so yes I got pregnant before we got married but I would not do anything any different from what I did our daughter is the blessing of our lives and our joy I would like for her to wait until she gets married but if not to be responsible about it. WE waited a bit before we got married because we were determined not get married just because I was pregnant but we were in love and had lived together for almost 4 years before we got married so yes I was pregnant at my wedding but I feel no shame over it and next year we will be renewing our vows so that I have a chance to wear a wedding dress and not be gigantic when I walk down the aisle. I think sex is an important part of a relationship and as for having children out of wedlock its a persons choice some people dont want to be married I've seen people date for years and years and then get married 5 months later they were divorced sometimes marriage can kill a relationship just my opinion of course no offense meant.

Felicia - posted on 07/24/2010

44

24

9

Not sure, My husband and I were 3 months away from our wedding when i found out I was expecting, I was never ever embarrassed by it, the only thing that bothered me is that people thought we were getting married because I was pregnant and that was it at all we were getting married because we loved each other very much.

Jessica - posted on 07/24/2010

21

11

2

I dont think people should be embarressed, they should just be responsible for the actions. My fiance and i have a beautiful baby girl and tho we arent married, we'd lived together since pretty much day one of our relationship and decided we want to be together forever. I do want to get married but i dont need the piece of paper to tell me how much i love my man and how happy my little family makes me. I disagree with the people who judge others for not being married, yes you have the right to an opinion but you dont have the right to force it on anyone

Shayna - posted on 07/24/2010

8

17

1

I've never been one to be embarrassed about having sex before I got married. I married the man I lost my virginity to (with a few people in between). We dated when I was very young and broke up and stayed best friends, but we knew both of us were too young to handle a relationship like we did so we were better friends at that time. We stayed best friends and dated other people and got married when I was 19, 6 years after we met each other. Everyone always told me how stupid I was for having sex as young as I did, but it worked out for me and I never regretted it because I knew that when I had sex with him I really did love him, and that's what makes it special.

Victoria - posted on 07/23/2010

50

11

2

*raises my hand* i was having sex with my hubby since i was 17! I married him when I was 21, just last year! This year we're preggo and proud ♥

Mae - posted on 07/18/2010

190

19

17

A lot of it has to do with your own beliefs and how you think you family will react. I was rised in a very strict christian home where the only reason you dated was to find a husband and have children. You didn't live together before marriage and you scertainly didn't have sex before marriage. My husband was raised the same (though he was raised as a non denominational christian and I was raised Jehova's witness) we however upset both families and moved in together a year before getting married, and yes we had sex before we got married too. If I had gotten pregnant before we were married we would have been very embarrassed given the way we were brought up and the way we know how our families feel about it.

[deleted account]

I do not regret sex before marriage. It lead to our beautiful daughters and we are married now and expecting our third and our first son!

Emma - posted on 06/11/2010

14

21

0

I was with my husband for 4 years before we had our first baby, we married 7 months later on the Date we always planned, our bundle of joy was just an extra suprise for our happy day and made our bond even stronger. We now have 2 children have never been happier, how could i be embarrassed about what we created together :)

Nonie - posted on 06/11/2010

8

21

0

I do not agree with pre-marital sex, but it's also not up to me to judge anyone. It is very important to me that my children know, and understand, that having sex is a very mature decision that should be made by adults and (especially in this society) those decisions are best made in a committed and loving relationship! Even if you just look at it from a health perspective, there is no protection out there that is 100% and getting pregnant is only one of many, many consequences that can result.

Sheena - posted on 06/10/2010

3

1

0

I commend you on your hounesty... my husband and I were only married 4 months brfore we found out that we were expecting our first. It may be fast for some people i suppose but we are both more than blessed to have a child coming into our lives. i have many friends and relitives that have been pregnant before they got married but each one of them rushed off to do so before the baby was born. i never agreed with this but that is my opinion. I just want to say thanks for being true to yourself and your beliefs and not making a rash choice because you were "emabaressed". i believe that a child being born is a blessing wheather it be in wedlock or not! i know that you dont know me but i really want to commend all mothers that share this thought because a child in my opinion (right or wrong to anyone reading) should never be brought up in a home of a mother who settled because she felt like she had no choice (like i did).

Elisabeth - posted on 06/09/2010

275

12

4

I had sex before marriage. I also had two children before I became married. I also consider myself a Christian. I don't regret it, if I didn't have sex before I was married I would not have my wonderful children now. A lot of his family asked him why he had a child before we were married (as they have quite strong cultural ties - including no sex before marriage) and my husband always answers "Try before you buy". haha

Melanie - posted on 06/08/2010

441

23

58

I could not marry someone i have not been intimate with. For me one of the most important parts of a realtionship is sex. I'm not saying it's the most important part but for me it's just as important as love and security. I had sex with my husband long before we were married. We waited until after we were married before we had children. Too often i hear about friends who have only experienced one partner and wondered if they were missing out. I had my fun in my teenage years and am settled now but you need to be compatible in all aspects of your marriage for it to work. I've been with my husband for 11 1/2 yrs now and married for 8. x

Shannon - posted on 06/08/2010

47

5

0

My husband and I were kind of a weird relationship at first I will admit... We were only supposed to be a scratch an itch couple since neither one of us were looking for anything serious (he had already been married twice and vowed never again...) What we didn't tell each other was as of a week after we met, we had fallen for each other but knew the other didn't want a relationship so we said nothing... after 8mos I found out I was pregnant and thats when we finally told each other the truth... He had always wanted another child that he could help raise (the other ex's took the kids and wouldn't allow him anything to do with them as a way to hurt him)... The first pregnancy ended in a miscarrage at 10wks and I was crushed... it was my first and there was always the thought of if I had done this or it was my fault (had been active for 5yrs then and never even had a scare when there were numerous times there should have been) but he was by my side the whole time, telling me it wasn't my fault and just wasn't meant to be at that time...

We have know been married for a little over a year ( May 27th was our anniversary) and our son just turned 7mos with #2 due in October (ooops, but oh well, lol...)... I am not embarassed to say I had sex before I was married because if I hadn't, I never would have met the most amazing guy in my life and have had soon to be 2 kids! We lived together for 3yrs before our son so I think it helped us see that we really were meant to be

Cara - posted on 02/26/2010

7

10

0

Usually having a child before marriage is considered an accident, maybe not an unhappy one, but an accident none the less. And having your child considered an "accident" by people (even if they are super judgmental) is never something that someone wants. I also think that it's traditionally seen as a sort of lack of maturity to have an "accident" like that. As mothers I think that none of us want to be seen as immature. So it's probably not as much embarrassment of having had premarital sex as it is fear of judgment to some degree.

Olivia - posted on 02/11/2010

59

81

1

I got my pregnant with my daughter when i was 17. my daughter was born in Dec of 2008 and we got married May of 2009. My daughter is in my weddin photos and I love that she was apart of something that special. I don't regret anything. I dont really care what anyone else thinks honestly. I am happy with whats happened and I love the choices I've made.

Lize - posted on 02/09/2010

20

22

1

Hi I am also a christian and I felt that it was definitely wrong to have sex before you get married, but we are all human beings and if you love someone you can't help it. All that I feel strong about is that some people just have sex because they want to and it should be special with the right person, the first time I slept with my boyfriend now hubby for almost 4 years I said to him if I get pregnant I want you to marry me because you love me not because you have to, cause then it is usually when marriages do not work!

Melanie - posted on 02/09/2010

441

23

58

I think it's important to have had sex before marriage. Personally i think a couple should be compatible in all areas. I think as a couple you need time to explore each other sexually and it's hard to do that after your married. I agree with not defending the decision one way or the other. If your not compatible sexually chances are the marriage won't last. I like the fact that after 11yrs of being in a relationship we can still have fun in the bedroom xx

Jennifer - posted on 02/09/2010

26

13

2

I have known my husband since we were born. We had dated on and off since we were 11 and by the time we were 17 we were pregnant with our 1st child. My mother is very Christian and of course was not excited about it. We actually didn't talk for about 5 months because of it. My husband and I just finally got married last year, 4 kids and 9 years later. I realize what I did was against God's laws but in our hearts we have been together for so long it was like we were married. We didn't need a piece of paper telling us we were! We lived that way with each other and have been faithful to each other so that was good enough for us. As long as you see yourselves as husband and wife and know you are committed to one another I don't see the big deal either.

Jessica - posted on 02/06/2010

5

14

0

Well I had 2 kids before I was married and I just had another one 4 weeks ago and I am married to her father have been for the last 3 years, and to be honest it's really no difference if you are married or not, I love them al the same and they are my world and people who are ashamed to be having kids before marriage should not be having sex in the first place, sex equals baby, not hard math skills to figure that out..lol I have also married my first childs dad cause I had him, but it did no justice we split up a month and a half after we got married. But what people decide to do with their lives is totally their choice. And it's really no concern to anyone else. A baby is a baby rather their parents were married or not.

Emma - posted on 01/31/2010

816

59

76

Me and my husband were engaged and had set a date for our wedding even before I got pregnant (at 18) and were had been happily married just under 3 months before our little miracle arrived. I am not currently pregnant with our 2nd girl and she is due in 7 weeks.

I am not embarrassed that I fell pregnant out of wedlock because I love my husband & my daughter more than life itself, I agree with you nobody should be ashamed to have had sex and got pregnant out of wedlock because it isn't marriage or our children that keep us together, it's love.

I first had sex with my husbadn (then boyfriend) when I had turned 16. He respected that I didn't want to do it before then and never pressured me into it, I just wanted to because I knew it was right and I knew I'd be with him for life. We have been together 5 years and happily married 2, our little girl is 2 in April and our 2nd is due in march. He was the first and last person that I had sex with and I am not ashamed to admit it because I love him with my heart and soul.

Ashley - posted on 01/30/2010

55

17

5

honestly i feel sex is a very important part of a marriage. you need to know if your compatiable before hand or the marriage won't last or won't be a happy one. i am for waiting until you have developed your brain though. mabe we should start a program for that instead of the abstinence program. i think it would catch on faster!!!!

Sheree - posted on 01/29/2010

909

14

142

I had sex before marriage, and we actually tried to have our first born before we were married, unfortunately it didnt work out that way for us. I lost my virginity to the man i did marry and have a gorgeous baby girl to. I am not ashamed at all of having had sex before i got married. I have only ever been with my husband and I am also not ashamed of that. I too think it is a personal choice. I know people that due to their religion were not allowed to have sex before marriage, so rushed out and got married and now they arent happy :( I was also born out of wedlock and I dont think i have ever been looked down upon for that. But it is definatly a personal opinion and personal choice :)

Rachel - posted on 01/28/2010

54

13

2

I grew up in a VERY Christian house. Pre-Marital sex was wrong wrong wrong!! And my parents managed to scare me out of it until I was 18. I don't believe in the method they went about it. All I remember my mom telling me is that it hurt really bad. They wanted to scare me out of it. When I was 18 I went up to NY to meet my birth mom. And the second I saw this guy I knew he was the one...and nothing mattered anymore. 3 months later we got married, and yes we had sex before then. I wasn't pregnant...didn't get pregnant till we had been married for over a year. I am now an Atheist....and believe the only people who feel guilty about pre-marital sex are religious nuts who think god doesn't like pre-marital sex or they go to hell for pre-marital sex. My parents spent 18 years trying to scare me into being good. If you do this and this you go to hell, but if you do this and this you don't have to burn forever in a pit of fire. I am going to live my life and do what makes me happy...and if that means I burn when I die, than atleast I was happy alive.

Maria - posted on 01/28/2010

20

21

3

As much as I respect other people's beliefs and opinions I think the idea that people shouldn't have sex before marriage is very outdated and unrealistic. I think it's more important to get it all out of your system before you are married and then stay faithful. A lot of people don't take their wedding vows very seriously, judging by the divorce rate which is a shame. It's a bad idea not to get to know someone intimately before you marry them, after all if you're going to be with someone for the rest of your life you need to be sure they are right for you in every way. You wouldn't buy a car without a test drive!

Heather - posted on 01/23/2010

5

25

0

I had my first daughter when i was 19. I have been with her father now for 14 years and it just keeps getting better. We had our fouth child in January and got married in November. I dont see the big deal about being selabate before marrage as we have been in a loving, commited and faithful relationship for 14 years. I am also a christian and so is my whole family. My grandmother asked a minister once if he thought my partner and i were 'living in sin' and he said, 'no, in this day and age if a coulple are living together in a faithful relationship it is a marrage'. I think it is very old fasioned to think sex is for marrage. I thought that beleif died out with the older generation. My husband and i got married because that is where we were in our relationship, i would hope that if we had decided not to marrie we would be treated just the same and i agree with you that it shouldnt even be an issue.

Mandy - posted on 01/23/2010

233

16

8

I would also like to add that I lived with my ex partner for 7 years and we never intended to get married, we did try to have children but it didn't happen for us. I don't agree that having children outside of marriage is wrong or selfish, I know plenty of couples who have a great relationship and are very loving parents and marriage would ruin that. Marriage just isn't for everyone. My parents are a good case in point, they married nearly 32 years ago because I was on the way and I think it was the biggest mistake they ever made, they have been divorced for 30 years now and something in their relationship changed after the wedding, maybe it was their young ages and my dad feeling he had to do the "right thing" by my mum, I personally think they would have been happier co-habiting, and we would have a better life.

Mandy - posted on 01/23/2010

233

16

8

I happened to be pregnant when I got married but that was only because we decided to try a month before our year in the planning wedding, we were very surprised and lucky to fall so quickly. My now husband and I lived together for 18 months before we got married. I didn't realise that sex before marriage was still such a big issue, half my friends are married but the other half who are not single are living with their partners are seem just as commited to each other. I don't believe in regretting something you did in the past, your actions made you the person you are today.

Adrienne - posted on 01/19/2010

11

5

0

my husband and i got engaged a month after we found out i was pregnant, and married on new years eve. i don't regret it for one second. nor am i embarrassed about our situation. we love each other more than life itself, we've never met anyone more perfect for each other. life is not perfect; not everyone gets married, THEN has kids. as long as you are getting married for the right reasons, you should feel blessed. as far as being embarrassed bc you feel like you are "sinning"...you shouldn't. doesn't God teach us that he is a forgiving God? he also teaches that he made us in his image. i couldn't be happier with the decisions that we've made, and i'm positive in 20 years i'll be writing posts that say " my husband and i got married when we found out i was pregnant, and we're still going strong 20 years later..." :)

Chelsea - posted on 01/18/2010

190

52

16

probably just because the old school reasons, aand back in the day it was shund apon. maybe also some feel like they're unstable and if they were married they would have what the more stable families have, maybe its hard for them to get over. they shouldn't defend themselves. it just happens. i was married when i concieved my daughter, but since it was literally the wedding night we conceived i felt like i had to defend myself about that. and it was because others didn't approve and it was a shot through the self esteem there.

Sarah - posted on 01/17/2010

190

12

11

Ok, so I catch hell all the time for getting married when I was pregnant. I'm gonna tell you my story, I'll try to keep it short. The first time my husband asked me out, I LAUGHED AT HIM!! I had known him for almost 3 years, and I couldn't picture us together. I had my reasons, one being that he is 7 years older than me (when you are 20 and he is 27 that seems like a big gap). But I went out with him anyway. After about 3 dates, I knew we would be together forever. After about a month of dating, we both knew it, and were already planning our future. We would get engaged, buy a house, make a home, get married, and a year or two after getting settled we would have kids. We both wanted 3 or 4.
About 4 months into dating, I got pregnant. I was on birth control, and taking it the right way, and was not on antibiotics or anything... The way I look at it, someone knew it was the best thing for us. We moved quickly for insurance reasons and such. We started dating in March 2007, I got pregnant in July, didn't realize I was pregnant until October, we got engaged in December, got married in March (on the anniversary of our first date!) and our daughter was born in May. We couldn't be happier, and if we didn't have our daughter, I don't know where we would be today. We bought a house in November of the same year, remodeled it together, and love every minute of it all!! We are now pregnant with #2, and can't wait to meet him/her!
I believe that everything happens for a reason. EVERYTHING! I could go into MANY stories of things that have happened to me and my family, good and bad, that led to something else, that changed someone's life... now I'm getting on to a whole other subject, but, anyway, my daughter, and my husband are the best things that have ever happened to me!!

Brianne - posted on 01/17/2010

25

18

0

my dad is an elder and my uncle is a preacher. i was a very permiscuous (sp?) teen but i always felt like i was letting my family down because of the way i was raised.i started trying for a baby after i had been kicked out of 10+ houses in less than 2 years for various reasons and living in a car because i was tired of feeling unloved and unwanted. i got on my feet and decided that i wanted a baby because there is no greater love than that shared between a mother and child. (i realize now that that sounds selfish). my husband and i had talked about getting married before but it was just talk until i found out i was pregnant. we were both SO excited. we found out march of last year and got married in june. haha i love my family and that love wouldnt have been any different if we were married first.

Hannah - posted on 01/16/2010

22

10

2

Im 19 I just turned 17 when i had my son, we obviously wasnt married we are now and its great we have our issues but who doesnt but we have a strong relationship and i seriously believe we will be together forever, im not embarrased i had sex before marriage i kinda wish i knew then what i know now but i love my son with all my heart and wouldnt change having him for anything but i do give advice to my friends that dont have kids or that actually havent had sex but if they still do it thats their life. why judge people i dont like to be judged so why would i judge?

Maria - posted on 01/15/2010

1,068

123

3

I agree with Sherin whole-heartedly. We make decisions we feel that were right at the time and sometimes we screw up... some self-righteous people might think that's a cop out, but no one has the crystal ball and tell the future every time! Plus, intimacy in a relationship is what it is, personal.

Amanda - posted on 01/15/2010

299

28

7

I had sex and had a baby without being Married..I'm still not married but we are planning on getting married..My baby is now 9 months old..and I don't regret having him..Its a persons decision to have sex before marriage and tell you the truth I don't think there is anything wrong with it..But yea I would of liked to have a baby when I got married but it never happend..When I get married when are planning on having another baby..But right now can't cause my boyfriends in prison which is my baby's father..I am not embarrassed at all for having a baby before marriage and my boyfriends being in prison cause to me I don't care what people say or think

[deleted account]

Because I waited until I got married and he thought 4 times a year would enough for any person. Even though we thought we would want each other all the time. I had sex with my current before we got married and we have an amazing marriage and very sexually comptable. Its a personal choice that but I dont think it is always the answer.

Emilia - posted on 12/25/2009

109

6

4

It matters not to me what goes on in the bedrooms of consenting adults so why bring it up? If the situation works for a body then they don't need to justify anything to me.

I am a bit mystified though about the logic that at 18 (or any age for that matter) one feels that they are ready to commit to a child (FOR LIFE) that isn't capable of returning that commitment (our children don't ask to be brought here) but that same person does not feel that they are capable of committing to another consenting adult who is supposed to be capable of returning that commitment whether it is for life or only a portion thereof.

Every child is a gift regardless of the circumstances that brought them here. Having said that I would strongly DISAPPROVE if any of my daughters used the logic cited above as it makes no sense. But then again, if they aren't living under my roof and I am not supporting them financially then what I do or do not approve of shouldn't matter to my daughter... should it?

A child should never be made to feel shame for the decisions their parents made but sadly society doesn't behave this way. Does it?

Any woman who purposely chooses to commit to the child of a man who refuses to commit to her as a partner in life is selling herself short. period.

Premarital sex and raising a child of a man who refuses to lift you out above the rest of the female population are two separate issues. Thankfully science has allowed women power over their lives and reproductivity. I think it is sad that more women do not think more highly of themselves to use this to their advantage. "The shame" factor was in place before reliable birth control and was put there to protect women. Right or wrong, it is what it is and for a body to argue that it isn't necessary is not thinking through the rammifications of such foolhardy behavior to the innocent child.

If you decide to commit to a child FOR LIFE then you should be able to commit to that child's mother/father. No? If there is doubt then perhaps the couple should delay parenthood. I mean, doesn't that make sense?

My comments were not designed to offend anyone. I am merely trying to add to the conversation in an intelligent fashion. I would like for more women to elevate themselves above "settling". We did not always have the ability to do this. Now WE DO. Let us take advantage of such situations for ourselves and for our children.

Venessa - posted on 12/24/2009

96

10

4

My parents were married before I was born.... they were married for 19 years but in the end sge chucked him out. they did it the traditional way but she ended up living woth someone who she didn't know.... I was brought up that it should all be done the traditional way but that cant be the case for everyone..... I would never have got married without living wit DH 1st as I was not gonna marry and move in with someone that I didn't know intimately....
I am very proud of my family and I know that alot of children born outside marraige are not living with both their parents but they're are also alot of children born after marraige who are not living with both their parents either as divorce rates are so high. So how can anybody say that either way is best. God doesn't want us t have sex before marraige but he also doesn't want us getting divorced and breaking up families and causing all that pain!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms