Will I be able to forgive?

LORI - posted on 10/12/2009

I can relate. My husband's family has treated us differant and didn't always accept our way of parenting or fully accepted that i had a son from my first marriage. My husband didn't choose us over his family for years and it was very hard.
More recently he has choosen us over everyone and it feels wonderful to have a partner to walk thru the weeds of other family members together.
It may never get better but forgive them in your own heart and it won't leave so much weight on your heart.

Laura - posted on 10/01/2009

i wish your family the best of luck. good for you what you are doing all the choices you have made for your family. its harder doing what you do eating better and the birth and all i think that is great. i know what you are going through and sometimes you just have to forget what people think and just live your life and be happy. it took me sometime realizing that for myself about 4 years but now that i know my hubby loves me and if that's how his family feels about me then oh well. i also choose to be healthier and making my own baby food and breast feeding and his parents weren't very supported. but if you are happy then be happy. if you dwell on how they feel about you then you are only going to bring your self down and your family. and my advice is don't trust them. there is a reason why you feel that way trust your feelings. his mom finally started being nice to me and i trusted her b/c i wanted her to like me so much. but now i regret it she still says mean things about me. no you are not unforgiving you are protecting your child and that's the best thing you can do. best of luck to your family!

Jody - posted on 10/01/2009

Hi, my name is Jody and I can't relate to your story, but I do think they've gone quite a bit overboard. How could you not want to know your grandchildren? And how can they be so heartless? In reponse to your question, I don't think that you have a forgiveness issue. Yes, I do believe that you should forgive what they are doing to you because they will pay for what they do, and you will too, so why add unforgiveness to your life. I know first hand, that when you harbor unforgiveness things will never go your way and you will never have peace. That in turn will lead to sickness and you don't need to be sick raising a family. If you don't forgive, God won't forgive you. They are the one's losing out, so turn your cheek and keep on keepin on. If your husband loves you and this hasn't seemed to cause strife between the both of you, that tells me he sees it too and he supports you, that is really all that matters.

Dana - posted on 09/30/2009

I give you mad credit for being brave enough to go through a home-birth. Sometimes it's about understanding then forgiving. When I was growing up my Nana would go and visit my cousins that lived next door all the time but never come to see me. I also had a brother but he was my 1/2 brother. I always knew him as my brother ( there was an 8 years difference in age between him and I). Everybody choices the life they want to live. On that note please let me explain more. Even thou my Nana never came to see me at Holidays, Birthday etc. there were times I was at my aunts house and my Nana had gifts for everybody else but me. I was hurt but I moved on. Now as an adult I understand.
My mother is a very negative, always speaks whats on her mind no matter who its to and how it might effect that person she's talking to. My father just always tried to stay away (in the garage, basement, or in his own TV room). My mother and I never got along, as I got older it got worst. My brother also avoided her. There was times my brother didn't talk to her for years. When my brother had his first child, my mother and I didn't find out about her until she was born. When I was 19 my mother and I had a blow out and I moved out of the house into my boyfriends parents ( my husband now) house.

When my husband and I decided to get married I was 25 at the time. She was so unhappy about the whole thing she refused to help us in anyway. And also make jokes about the wedding. My husband's parent paid for our wedding. Both my parents sat at home when I was getting married because my mothers pride got the best of her. There were time periods that I did not speak to her for 3 years. My father would call me when she was not home to see how I was doing. Then 2 years ago I go the call from my sister in law saying that my brother is dead. It was a complete heart breaking time for me because my brother and I didn't really get along until 2 years before his death. The reason why was my mother treated us differently. My brother was resentful towards me because what environment my mother created during our childhood. My sister in law also informed me the night of his death that she was not going to call my mother. I understood why she didn't want to make the call. So I made the call even thou it has been years since I spooking to her. After the funeral we started to talk I didn't want to in any way have an relationship or try to build one with her but my husband insist. I had a baby in February and we were still talking everything way going good until about 2 months ago. Again we are not talking. I changed my phone numbers and never gave the new one to my family. Just so she does not get the numbers.
The point that I am getting to is that I speak to my Nana a lot more now. She is forever apologizing to me for my childhood. I understand why she didn't come around. Who would want to come around with a mother like mine. I always explain to her that the past is the past she can make it up by being there for my little man now. I would never deny my mother from coming to my house to see her grandson. But she has not done that yet. But I would deny her from him going to her. My husband was hopeful that my mother would of learned from my brother's death that life can be too short to hold onto the negative parts of it including choices the people make. But she didn't. Understanding how my mother is, is what gets me through the sadness that I feel because of the choice I am making for my little man. One day when he's older he might hate me for making the choice of not talking to her and him missing out on his grandmother. But right now it is the best thing for my family. And I could only hope he would understand. That is why it hurts. You and your husband want to forgive but yous as adults know it's wrong. You can only hope that your son will understand. A family is not about the choices we make in life, it's just about being a family. I hope this helps. Sorry it's so long.

Tracy - posted on 09/26/2009

stay positive, When you join as one, your husband and your baby are the only thing that really matters, Ive been through ups and downs with inlaws, I don't say anything bad about them to my husband or around my husband, but i know they don't care that much for me and im cool because ive learn to "love them from a distance" meaning

when im in there presence im polite, don't have much to say and always smiling, knowing i will probably not see them for a year, married 12 years things usually get better with time, by the way doing things organic is the way to go.

Tracy - posted on 09/26/2009

Quoting Caroline:

Will I be able to forgive?

Help!

I have been married for 2 years to the most amazing man. But his parents and siblings won't have anything to do with me anymore. They ignore our baby (born 11 months ago), but spend loads of time with their other grandchildren, including my husband's son from his 1st marriage. They go to my husband's ex-wife's house to visit him, even though she was disloyal to the family and wanted out, taking custody of the boy.

Our dining table was a wedding present my husband's folks gave to my husband's first wife when she married their son, but for our wedding nothing at all was given. I don't mean to sound greedy. I don't need a "thing". I just wanted to know I was welcome into the family.

They call us "outcasts" and "freaks" because I cloth diaper, and make my own yogurt, bread, cheese, etc. We want the best for our family, and don't have much money, so I do everything myself, MAKE everything I can. I want to continue to be a SAHM and raise my kids myself, so we have chosen to have less $$ rather than put the children in daycare. But we also don't want to eat crappy food, just because we can't afford everything to be organic all the time, so I buy what I can (organic), and use it to bake/cook the rest, or make yogurt & cheese out of organic milk. It is cheaper than buying organic yogurt, cheese, bread, etc. But somehow, they think it is odd that we do this, rather than subsist on mac & cheese from a box like they eat all the time. (I know this because of the older boy telling me that he eats it all the time when he's over there.)

Their other children all work full-time, so the grandkids are in daycare, which is their choice, and we have never criticized. But maybe they think that we are criticizing by choosing a different path. I don't know.

The other BIG thing that made this blow out was the fact that we chose a homebirth. We objected to the procedures that are done just because it's standard procedure in hospitals (if a procedure is medically necessary, no prob!) so we chose a natural homebirth since everything was low risk in our situation. But they started acting funny about us when they heard our plans, and then stopped talking to us altogether when we had a wonderfully successful 3-hour birth. They go visit other newborn grandkids in the hospital the day they're born, but never visited our baby.

It dawned on me that our baby is the only grandchild of theirs to have been born without a c-section, and I think they are insecure about the fact that they were so dead set against our choice to birth naturally. Like the success of it said, "I told you so!" But we never threw it in their faces.

But they made such a big deal about how horrible the idea was, and now they know it was an awesome choice for us, and led to much less issues than we probably would have had if I'd been a bundle of nerves in a hospital. (White coat syndrome, you know.) I get tense, and tension during labor usually leads to intervensions, like pitocin, and often, eventually c-section. It happened to my husband's son's mom, and the other daughters/DIL in the family.

ANYWAY...they have never seen the baby except once, when we (very nervously) showed up for Easter, and it didn't go to well. They live locally, and I just cannot fathom them seeing every other grandchild except my baby. But at this point I would prefer them not to be around him because if they are going to call him a freak, I feel that's abusive. I don't trust them anymore.

His 1st birthday is coming up, and I fear it will go like it did at Christmas: his 1/2 brother will get presents, but he won't.

My husband is AWESOME about it, choosing me over his family. But I hate to see him lose everybody on account of me. However, he says he is ready to let them go if they choose to act this way. It's been for over 18 months now, so it's not like we have judged them on one incident.

Is there any chance of healing? To be honest, I don't know if I can ever trust them, even if they would start to act nicely toward me now. They've pulled so many double-crosses with the older boy, so I don't trust them to be around my baby. Am I unforgiving?

Ruwayda - posted on 09/25/2009

Caroline you know wot,it's their loss i'm sure your baby is just a bundle of joy.
As long as this tension does not come between you & your husband you should be just fine.If your husband has made the choice to just avoid them altogether then you should'nt feel guilty cos he sees how unreasonable his family is.Goodluck & stay strong.

Stacey-Marie - posted on 09/25/2009

I am not condoning his family - their behaviour isn't nice but in order for you to move on you need to understand where they come from,
They do things their way and it's normal for them and it works for them - it also worked for your son before you came along - then along comes you and you are very different to them and you change their son and his ways. They may feel you look down on them and their lifestyle.
You say you do not judge but you are judging, just as they are judging you.
Yes it is awful they treat you and your child differently to the others.
Both sides feel they have to defend themselves and therefore you are both creating a hostile environment - and you are ALL at fault.


Communication needs to happen - everyone needs to be honest with everyone else - just have ground rules - respect and stay calm etc.

Orina - posted on 09/24/2009

Quoting Caroline: well the only thing that would make you feel better is to forgive them because if you don't then they will forever be there in your mind and you don't want to worry bout them all the time and bout what they think of you anyways. Trust me I know. See me and my husband have been married for a year and a half and his dad hates me. He will talk to my husband and be nice to him but he has never liked me not even when we were dating. Now we have a little girl together and he still doesn't care. Hes rude and doesn't even say hi to me when we do see him about once every two years since we got together. I was so angry at him for the longest time. I cried over it and worried constantly that he would be missing out on our lil gurls life all cuz of me. But the truth of the matter is I don't care for him but I forgive him for everything for all the things hes said and done to me I knew if I didn't he would always be on my mind and it would just make me sad and mad all the time. But now that I've forgiven him I don't think bout him anymore he come over last month to visit us for the first time in over one year and he didnt even say hi to me but the way i see it oh well i think im a great person with a big heart and if he doesnt want to get to know me then thats his fault cuz hes missing out on a good friendship with his sons wife

Will I be able to forgive?

Help!

I have been married for 2 years to the most amazing man. But his parents and siblings won't have anything to do with me anymore. They ignore our baby (born 11 months ago), but spend loads of time with their other grandchildren, including my husband's son from his 1st marriage. They go to my husband's ex-wife's house to visit him, even though she was disloyal to the family and wanted out, taking custody of the boy.

Our dining table was a wedding present my husband's folks gave to my husband's first wife when she married their son, but for our wedding nothing at all was given. I don't mean to sound greedy. I don't need a "thing". I just wanted to know I was welcome into the family.

They call us "outcasts" and "freaks" because I cloth diaper, and make my own yogurt, bread, cheese, etc. We want the best for our family, and don't have much money, so I do everything myself, MAKE everything I can. I want to continue to be a SAHM and raise my kids myself, so we have chosen to have less $$ rather than put the children in daycare. But we also don't want to eat crappy food, just because we can't afford everything to be organic all the time, so I buy what I can (organic), and use it to bake/cook the rest, or make yogurt & cheese out of organic milk. It is cheaper than buying organic yogurt, cheese, bread, etc. But somehow, they think it is odd that we do this, rather than subsist on mac & cheese from a box like they eat all the time. (I know this because of the older boy telling me that he eats it all the time when he's over there.)

Their other children all work full-time, so the grandkids are in daycare, which is their choice, and we have never criticized. But maybe they think that we are criticizing by choosing a different path. I don't know.

The other BIG thing that made this blow out was the fact that we chose a homebirth. We objected to the procedures that are done just because it's standard procedure in hospitals (if a procedure is medically necessary, no prob!) so we chose a natural homebirth since everything was low risk in our situation. But they started acting funny about us when they heard our plans, and then stopped talking to us altogether when we had a wonderfully successful 3-hour birth. They go visit other newborn grandkids in the hospital the day they're born, but never visited our baby.

It dawned on me that our baby is the only grandchild of theirs to have been born without a c-section, and I think they are insecure about the fact that they were so dead set against our choice to birth naturally. Like the success of it said, "I told you so!" But we never threw it in their faces.

But they made such a big deal about how horrible the idea was, and now they know it was an awesome choice for us, and led to much less issues than we probably would have had if I'd been a bundle of nerves in a hospital. (White coat syndrome, you know.) I get tense, and tension during labor usually leads to intervensions, like pitocin, and often, eventually c-section. It happened to my husband's son's mom, and the other daughters/DIL in the family.

ANYWAY...they have never seen the baby except once, when we (very nervously) showed up for Easter, and it didn't go to well. They live locally, and I just cannot fathom them seeing every other grandchild except my baby. But at this point I would prefer them not to be around him because if they are going to call him a freak, I feel that's abusive. I don't trust them anymore.

His 1st birthday is coming up, and I fear it will go like it did at Christmas: his 1/2 brother will get presents, but he won't.

My husband is AWESOME about it, choosing me over his family. But I hate to see him lose everybody on account of me. However, he says he is ready to let them go if they choose to act this way. It's been for over 18 months now, so it's not like we have judged them on one incident.

Is there any chance of healing? To be honest, I don't know if I can ever trust them, even if they would start to act nicely toward me now. They've pulled so many double-crosses with the older boy, so I don't trust them to be around my baby. Am I unforgiving?

Jenny - posted on 09/22/2009

i can't even imagine such harsh treatment! i am actually envious of you, that you have the energy and amazing ability to do all the things you do to make things wonderful for your family.
i have to say, i'm very fortunate with my in-laws. reading some of these posts, i feel petty for some of the things i react to.
you are very blessed with your husband! it can be hard to leave your family behind because of how they treat your spouse, and i think it is very admirable that he's standing with you against them.
i pray that forgiveness blossoms, and that you are able to keep this from causing damage to your "little family". a happy little family is a very big deal. =)

Treva - posted on 09/22/2009

I have issues with my inlaws too. They are just as mean but they aren't so straightforward about it. They are two faced. Anyways, I think it is awesome that your husband is behind you. Girl that is half the battle. The best advice I can give you is pray alot. God can do amazing things. I've seen it. With my parents. They should be divorced according to the world, but God helped them through it and needless to say they dont talk to my mom's parents anymore. Hope this helps. God Bless!

Julie - posted on 09/21/2009

Quoting Caroline:

Quoting Julie:

No you are not. Let me know what time dinner is! Actually I think what you guys are doing is great.

My sister and I were adopted by my dad when I was in 4th grade. We are part Native American/part Anglo. My brother is my dad's natural son. During any holiday season, even Valentine's Day, Birthday's etc. but especially X-mas, my dad's parents would send a huge box filled with gifts for my brother and my parents. However, there was nothing, not even a card for me or my sister. Ever. At first my parents thought it was an oversight. When it happened the second time, my dad called them. My sister and I received a card a little after X-Mas with $5.00 each in it. The following year the same thing occurred. When my father called them to complain, he chided them saying, "Look if you can't send everyone something, don't send anyone anything." His parents told him if he didn't like it he could send it back. He packed up everything and sent it back. We never received another thing from them. Ever.

They also sent away for a family tree. (It was big back in the day). After all of the adults had looked at it, I went to check it out for our names. After a diligent search, I could not find my sister or my name on it. I asked my grandmother how come our names weren't on it and she retorted, "Because you are not a Ricker." Well true enough except we really were since my dad, her son adopted us. However, no matter - even up until a few years ago. She did not recognize my existence - Julie? Julie who?

And did all really matter? For a bit when I was young, it hurt my feelings and then I moved on. And now? Well they are both deceased. My wonderful father who called their bluff? Unfortunately he just died this Feb.

In the long run, Caroline - life is so very short, do not waste it worrying about them. You guys live it to the fullest and enjoy whatever you are doing. If they don't like it, they want to snub you, and exclude you - then it is their loss, NOT yours or your child's. Don't wait for them to come around because although they may, they also may not. Ever.

I am absolutely appalled, and so ashamed of after reading that.  I'm so sorry you endured that, and I'm extremely impressed at your ability to move on with positivity.  My extended family is also mixed (black & white), so there were similar instances of favoritism, but NEVER to that degree.  Your dad was astounding, standing up for his children--ALL of them.  Your brother could have grown up very bigoted if your dad had allowed his parents to continue their behavior, so he did all of you a great service, perhaps greatest of all toward your brother!  I'm just about speechless, so this will be short.  Thanks for the encouragement.  Thanks for sharing.

Thank you Caroline! I guess I never thought about it in this light. My dad was a wonderful man and now my brother is a wonderful person and father!

Caroline - posted on 09/21/2009

Quoting Antoinette:
 To forgive is very hard, but you can do it. Just because you forgive somebody it doesnt mean that you will continue to let them hurt you. if you feel the "relationship or lack thereof" is hurting you and your little family then you need accept that they will never be part of your lives (until they are ready to treat you with the love and respect that you deserve).

That was very well put.  Thank you all for being so understanding.  I will try to forgive, and yet I won't be a fool about it, allowing others to harm our family.  It is a very fine line to walk.  And yes, I do pray about it a lot. 

Hugs to you all!!!

And to the mom who wants to learn yogurt & cheesemaking:

http://biology.clc.uc.edu/Fankhauser/Che...

Angela - posted on 09/20/2009

MAN THATS HARSH AND IF I WERE YOU I WOULD BE THE BIGGER PERSON AND FORGIVE BECAUSE IF YOU DON;T YOUR FADING INTO THEIR LEVEL AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT DON'T LET THEM KNOW THAT IT BOTHERS YOU.. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE LIVING FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY NOT THEM AND THEIR FAMILY.. I THINK YOUR DOING A GREAT JOB KEEP IT UP AND HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH!!!

Kerri - posted on 09/19/2009

Hi Caroline.....it is a sad story and sadly i can relate. My husbands family also spends time with his ex and their son and forgets that he is actually married to me and we have a son too. At first i got really angry about it and would get upset everytime i had to visit (get called someone elses name too many time and try not to get upset!) but after neally 12 years together i have slowly gotten over it. I know that no matter what my husband is behind me and our son and that i also have my loving family around whenever i need them.

I think it is great that you have made the choices that u have....i would love to be a SAHM but we both need to work....i wish that i could do all the things that u are doing for your family.....just remember that it is your little family and to take care of them and that u do not need the bad karma in your life and making u unhappy. I think it is just about accepting that they may have feeling for your husbands ex and to make the best of your life and the life of your family with or withour the in laws in them! And if you do not trust them with your child then do not have him in that situation!! Kids come first in my mind, and their protection!!!

Have a happy and lovely life with you family and release the anger and do not c them if u don't want to.

Best wishes to your great family....and keep up the great mum stuff....it is all we hope and prayer for at the end of the day.

Idelsa - posted on 09/18/2009

Hello Caroline. After reading this and giving a bit of analyzing, This is what I think it's going on. I don't think that your in-laws think bad about you. I believe that they have great feelings towards your husband's first wife. I were you, I would just give it more time. It just needs time to heel and to be ready to see thier son with a new wife and a new family. Good luck!

Kristin - posted on 09/18/2009

Oh my goodness. First off, you seem like a wonderful mom! Nothing about anything you said is "freakish". Honestly, I think they sound somewhat jealous of your lifestyle, you're very smart with how you handle things. Making a healthier life for your family is awesome, and there is no reason they should criticize that. I have had similar situations and I know it's hard but you just need to focus on what's best for you and your husband and children. It sounds like you need to stay away from them. It would only be harder on your son to feel mistreated and I have learned that you can't change people. A mothers instincts are usually right, if you don't trust them then don't put your child around them. They are the ones missing out. I think your son will be just fine, I would be a little more worried about your husband and he sounds like a great man to stand beside you! Sometimes going to a counsilor to talk about these issues with your husband is a great way for them to tell you guys advice on how to deal with this. My "ex" and I dealt with a similar situation (without kids) and I always feared resentment from him. My parents also had the same situation and I always saw resentment from my dad to my mom. It's a very hard thing to deal with when there isn't acceptance but it's not your fault at all and I think you're smart to not trust and stay away. Try to not think about what they do for anyone else and think about how much better your familys life can be without those kind of people in it.

Cherokee - posted on 09/18/2009

I am so sorry that you have to be going through this, however, do what is best for your family. My husbands family does not accept me, we are not invited to holidays, we are not called and checked on, and we are not visited, but my husbands exwife and his children with her are still his Mothers first choices. When I met my husband I had two biracial children, his Mother has made it a point to pick and choose between the children since the day we got married, even after standing at our wedding crying on my shoulder telling me she wanted to get to know us as family, and telling my husband that she was so happy for him, how she never wanted him to marry his exwife, she could see the difference this time. None the less we had a fallen out shortly after our marriage because my husband and I refused to allow his Mother to come to our home and seperate our children, step or not, and she has not liked me since. My husband made the choice to leave them behind and move forward with our family, and I have had a very hard time with it, I tell him frequently that she is his Mother and I do not want him to be an outcast because of me and my children, but now, I simply let his choice be his choice, I can not force his Mother to accept me and my children and I will not beg for her acceptance, my husband has made his choice and I stand by it, it has gotten us very far in life together as a family. And for us what worked best, was not allowing his family or my family to SEPERATE our children, they all have to be treated the same or the family can not come around. There probably is no easy answer to family situations such as these, but I found that what worked for me was letting my husband make the choice of how to deal with his family, making it clear I would not tolerate my children being treated any differently then his biological children and moving forward. I forgive his Mother for the things she said at the wedding and knowing that she has not upheld any of that now, but it will be her choice to make it right, not mine or any of my families. Good Luck in your battle!!!

Antoinette - posted on 09/18/2009

Caroline - you are doing an awesome thing. You are living YOUR path and your husband is behind you 100% (you are a very lucky woman). I cannot relate with regards to bad inlaws (I reckon I am VERY fortunate). To forgive is very hard, but you can do it. Just because you forgive somebody it doesnt mean that you will continue to let them hurt you. if you feel the "relationship or lack thereof" is hurting you and your little family then you need accept that they will never be part of your lives (until they are ready to treat you with the love and respect that you deserve) and look to the future with YOUR family (your husband and your child). Yes everything that is going on hurts you, but you need to put it aside and focus on the wonderful job you are doing with your family... You are a SUPERMOM! Thinking of you!

Goundy - posted on 09/18/2009

Don't waste your time or effort worring about it. I know that it is easier said than done, but you have all the happiness in the world right in front of you w/ your family. To me you are doing the right thing. Bugger them and move on, let them come to you when they are ready. It is their loss if they can not love everyone equaly. But they have to remember that it is their son's descion to live and love someone else, no one else can make that for him.

My suggestion as far as the 1st birthday is to enjoy it how you and yur husband see fit. Remember you only get this chance once. Btwn my husbands family and mine, we have to worry about 5 different families and not all can be in the same room as the others. My daughter is 2 and 1/2 months and we are already trying to figure that one out.

And as far as them thinking that you are "freaky", well atleast you are taking the time and thinking ahead and making the most out of your buck.

Good luck w/ everything and just always remember what you have right in front of you. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to ask the big guy upstairs for some help. We are all human and have trouble, but try to see the brighter side w/ all that you do.

Anna - posted on 09/18/2009

honey, i am so sorry they feel that way. You and you're husband chose a very wonderful way to have your child. You're choices are wise. I am very proud of you and i don't even know you. I understand that it would be wonderful to have his family involved in your sons life but if they're going to be so hateful and uninviting they can stay away. It seems to me that you're trying to set great examples to your child(ren) and for that i applaud you. Many mothers can't or won't sacrifice their lifestyles to take care of their children.



But the Lord says that a man will leave his father and mother to be with his wife. Your husband even if its painful for him is stepping up to be the best husband and father. I'm proud of you guys and know that with time healing comes.



If an apology is not made i believe you should confront them and tell them what their actions are doing to your family and that even though its hard to do you're going to try to forgive them. Yes your heart may hurt for your husband, child and self but push aside their pettiness. You will be a better person for it.



Different subject: Can you tell me how to make my own cheese and yogurt? I think my husband and family will definately appreciate it.



God bless you

Caroline - posted on 09/18/2009

Quoting Julie:

No you are not. Let me know what time dinner is! Actually I think what you guys are doing is great.

My sister and I were adopted by my dad when I was in 4th grade. We are part Native American/part Anglo. My brother is my dad's natural son. During any holiday season, even Valentine's Day, Birthday's etc. but especially X-mas, my dad's parents would send a huge box filled with gifts for my brother and my parents. However, there was nothing, not even a card for me or my sister. Ever. At first my parents thought it was an oversight. When it happened the second time, my dad called them. My sister and I received a card a little after X-Mas with $5.00 each in it. The following year the same thing occurred. When my father called them to complain, he chided them saying, "Look if you can't send everyone something, don't send anyone anything." His parents told him if he didn't like it he could send it back. He packed up everything and sent it back. We never received another thing from them. Ever.

They also sent away for a family tree. (It was big back in the day). After all of the adults had looked at it, I went to check it out for our names. After a diligent search, I could not find my sister or my name on it. I asked my grandmother how come our names weren't on it and she retorted, "Because you are not a Ricker." Well true enough except we really were since my dad, her son adopted us. However, no matter - even up until a few years ago. She did not recognize my existence - Julie? Julie who?

And did all really matter? For a bit when I was young, it hurt my feelings and then I moved on. And now? Well they are both deceased. My wonderful father who called their bluff? Unfortunately he just died this Feb.

In the long run, Caroline - life is so very short, do not waste it worrying about them. You guys live it to the fullest and enjoy whatever you are doing. If they don't like it, they want to snub you, and exclude you - then it is their loss, NOT yours or your child's. Don't wait for them to come around because although they may, they also may not. Ever.

I am absolutely appalled, and so ashamed of after reading that.  I'm so sorry you endured that, and I'm extremely impressed at your ability to move on with positivity.  My extended family is also mixed (black & white), so there were similar instances of favoritism, but NEVER to that degree.  Your dad was astounding, standing up for his children--ALL of them.  Your brother could have grown up very bigoted if your dad had allowed his parents to continue their behavior, so he did all of you a great service, perhaps greatest of all toward your brother!  I'm just about speechless, so this will be short.  Thanks for the encouragement.  Thanks for sharing.

Caroline - posted on 09/18/2009

Tanya, Judy & Deirdre,

Thanks for writing. So I am not alone. It makes me feel better, but yet, sad for you gals, too, because it's not fun. No, a year & 9 months is NOTHING! How hilariously petty to make a big deal of that. And I liked the advice to not judge, or say mean things about them. Rise above... Good positive advice.

Caroline - posted on 09/18/2009

Quoting Amanda:

if you think you have unforgiveness toward them you probably do. I would also recomend that you ask God to show you and ask for him to help you forgive them and that he would help you to love them the way he does even if they are seeming unloveable.

Thanks, Amanda.  It is sobering to read what you wrote, since I pray the Lord's Prayer, asking forgiveness for MY sins, as long as I am willing to forgive others'.  So I have things to work on.  Thanks for the support, prayers, and encouragement.

Julie - posted on 09/17/2009

No you are not. Let me know what time dinner is! Actually I think what you guys are doing is great.

My sister and I were adopted by my dad when I was in 4th grade. We are part Native American/part Anglo. My brother is my dad's natural son. During any holiday season, even Valentine's Day, Birthday's etc. but especially X-mas, my dad's parents would send a huge box filled with gifts for my brother and my parents. However, there was nothing, not even a card for me or my sister. Ever. At first my parents thought it was an oversight. When it happened the second time, my dad called them. My sister and I received a card a little after X-Mas with $5.00 each in it. The following year the same thing occurred. When my father called them to complain, he chided them saying, "Look if you can't send everyone something, don't send anyone anything." His parents told him if he didn't like it he could send it back. He packed up everything and sent it back. We never received another thing from them. Ever.

They also sent away for a family tree. (It was big back in the day). After all of the adults had looked at it, I went to check it out for our names. After a diligent search, I could not find my sister or my name on it. I asked my grandmother how come our names weren't on it and she retorted, "Because you are not a Ricker." Well true enough except we really were since my dad, her son adopted us. However, no matter - even up until a few years ago. She did not recognize my existence - Julie? Julie who?

And did all really matter? For a bit when I was young, it hurt my feelings and then I moved on. And now? Well they are both deceased. My wonderful father who called their bluff? Unfortunately he just died this Feb.

In the long run, Caroline - life is so very short, do not waste it worrying about them. You guys live it to the fullest and enjoy whatever you are doing. If they don't like it, they want to snub you, and exclude you - then it is their loss, NOT yours or your child's. Don't wait for them to come around because although they may, they also may not. Ever.

Sharon - posted on 09/17/2009

You are an amazing woman, the sort that is mentioned in the bible, who tries her all just to make sure her family is well catered for. A type that all family men would want to have for a wife.



I can see that these people who do not appreciate your effort are purely envious. They simply have no other way of expressing it. They know that in the same situation as yours, they would not be as good to handle as you do.



I would advise that you ignore them completely but unfortunately there is a strong link so just give them distance and dont even at one time think that you are doing anything wrong just because of their attitude. One day they will come to see that you are such a wonderful woman for their son.



Keep going and God bless you.

Deirdre - posted on 09/16/2009

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and can relate totally. My husband's entire family despises me. We haven't had anything to do with each other in 16 years. My husband chose me over them and that did not go over too well. We have just focused on our little family and not let it get to us. They have never been a part of our or our children's lives. It is a very sad situation, but we had to do what we thought best. We have a very happy marriage and family. They have no idea what blessings they have missed out on by hating me.

P.S. The main reason they hated me is because I was a year and 9 months older than their son. Now that we are both in our 30s it sounds pretty ridiculous!

Tanya - posted on 09/16/2009

I can relate to this somewhat.... What I have done is not worry about it you are happy with your family and that is all that matters.. Never scoop to there level with bad talk or say anything nasty about them they are people who have different ideas and lifestyles as you do and there is nothing wrong with having a different lifestyle on your behalf or theirs... I choose to not be a judgemental person so our situtation is kind of like yours a little different but I choose to say there is nothing I can do about it if they choose to have a change of heart later then I will go into it with a guard up just to protect my family but never will I do as they have done and push people out of the family, you don't get to choose your family, nobody does. If your husbands family would like to be judgmental and hold whatever grudge they have against you and your family then that is up to them and they will answer in the end for why they have choosen to do that. Remember all you need is your family that is you, your husband, and your kids and that is all that should matter in the end.....

Amanda - posted on 09/15/2009

Oh wow I am so sorry. I admit i have had problems with my husbands side but not to the extent that you have/are having. I believe that God can heal any relationship, but it takes time. All that matters is that you do what is best for your family. Like you seem to be doing. If they are going to look down on you that is their problem. It sounds like God has blessed you with a wonderful supportive husband. I am Glad for that for you. I do know that its not fun feeling like your husband is in the middle but it does say in the bible that the man is to leave his family and cling to his wife. You are his family now! Its sad to leave his family by the wayside but the family that he has created with you is his priority. And honestly the choices you have made as far as lifestyle have no baring on their life. You are not harming your family by the choices you have made. They have no right to judge your family choices. From what it sounds like to me your a great mom ...i would even say supermom :) ...i make somethings on my own but you are doing great. I would hang in there and just take care of your family. I would also recommend praying that you pray that God would bless them even if they dont seem to deserve it. I know its not easy trust me, but God will bless you for your obedience. I will be praying for you.
if you think you have unforgiveness toward them you probably do. I would also recomend that you ask God to show you and ask for him to help you forgive them and that he would help you to love them the way he does even if they are seeming unloveable.

Judy - posted on 09/13/2009

Caroline,



I want to tell you it will, but more then likely it won't. I have been married to my husband for 32 years and has family as always liked his brother and his brothers wife and daughters better. I have had to listen to how they did this or that and every holiday they went to their house NEVER ours. Ten years ago my husbands father passed away and who were they ones who handled everything and paid for the meals and making sure my mother in law got to where she needed to go, us! You see my husband is a paramedic and has an unsual schudule and they think nothing of telling him to take her places, because they thing he has all the time in the world to do these things, well you know he still has a family! My brother in law passed away 5 years ago and he ended up helping my sister in law and her two daughters, and did she listen to him, no! So two years ago she comes to us for $$ to bail her out of fourclousure which of course my mother in law does and now my mother in law has no money, because my sister in law has not paid her back and let her house go back to the bank and moved to Florida and my mother in law is living with us. So see how the tides turn!



There are good days and bad days, she is not a well woman and I have to keep that in my mind and when the boys where growing up I would my myslef go to family things for them so they would know their "family", but I can tell you it really does not matter, has now that they are older and have formed thier own opion, they really could care less about that side of the family (as does my husband too).



Worry about your family, make the best for your family, it will matter later in life for them!