Caroline - posted on 09/13/2009 ( 30 moms have responded )
I have been married for 2 years to the most amazing man. But his parents and siblings won't have anything to do with me anymore. They ignore our baby (born 11 months ago), but spend loads of time with their other grandchildren, including my husband's son from his 1st marriage. They go to my husband's ex-wife's house to visit him, even though she was disloyal to the family and wanted out, taking custody of the boy.
Our dining table was a wedding present my husband's folks gave to my husband's first wife when she married their son, but for our wedding nothing at all was given. I don't mean to sound greedy. I don't need a "thing". I just wanted to know I was welcome into the family.
They call us "outcasts" and "freaks" because I cloth diaper, and make my own yogurt, bread, cheese, etc. We want the best for our family, and don't have much money, so I do everything myself, MAKE everything I can. I want to continue to be a SAHM and raise my kids myself, so we have chosen to have less $$ rather than put the children in daycare. But we also don't want to eat crappy food, just because we can't afford everything to be organic all the time, so I buy what I can (organic), and use it to bake/cook the rest, or make yogurt & cheese out of organic milk. It is cheaper than buying organic yogurt, cheese, bread, etc. But somehow, they think it is odd that we do this, rather than subsist on mac & cheese from a box like they eat all the time. (I know this because of the older boy telling me that he eats it all the time when he's over there.)
Their other children all work full-time, so the grandkids are in daycare, which is their choice, and we have never criticized. But maybe they think that we are criticizing by choosing a different path. I don't know.
The other BIG thing that made this blow out was the fact that we chose a homebirth. We objected to the procedures that are done just because it's standard procedure in hospitals (if a procedure is medically necessary, no prob!) so we chose a natural homebirth since everything was low risk in our situation. But they started acting funny about us when they heard our plans, and then stopped talking to us altogether when we had a wonderfully successful 3-hour birth. They go visit other newborn grandkids in the hospital the day they're born, but never visited our baby.
It dawned on me that our baby is the only grandchild of theirs to have been born without a c-section, and I think they are insecure about the fact that they were so dead set against our choice to birth naturally. Like the success of it said, "I told you so!" But we never threw it in their faces.
But they made such a big deal about how horrible the idea was, and now they know it was an awesome choice for us, and led to much less issues than we probably would have had if I'd been a bundle of nerves in a hospital. (White coat syndrome, you know.) I get tense, and tension during labor usually leads to intervensions, like pitocin, and often, eventually c-section. It happened to my husband's son's mom, and the other daughters/DIL in the family.
ANYWAY...they have never seen the baby except once, when we (very nervously) showed up for Easter, and it didn't go to well. They live locally, and I just cannot fathom them seeing every other grandchild except my baby. But at this point I would prefer them not to be around him because if they are going to call him a freak, I feel that's abusive. I don't trust them anymore.
His 1st birthday is coming up, and I fear it will go like it did at Christmas: his 1/2 brother will get presents, but he won't.
My husband is AWESOME about it, choosing me over his family. But I hate to see him lose everybody on account of me. However, he says he is ready to let them go if they choose to act this way. It's been for over 18 months now, so it's not like we have judged them on one incident.
Is there any chance of healing? To be honest, I don't know if I can ever trust them, even if they would start to act nicely toward me now. They've pulled so many double-crosses with the older boy, so I don't trust them to be around my baby. Am I unforgiving?