14 year old dating 18 year old

Tanya - posted on 01/18/2011 ( 39 moms have responded )

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My 14 yr old daughter has been dating an 18 year old for a few months now. I decided to allow it because like most teenagers, she would do it anyway and would incourage lying and sneeking around. I want my children to be able to come to me, not hide things from me. Anyway he seems like a good guy. My concerns are for her losing contact with her friends her age. By dating someone that much older at that age, I am scared she will lose interest in her 14 year old life and be more interested in an 18 year old life. Any advice on how I should deal with this?

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Brook - posted on 09/13/2012

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Tanya, I know you posted this quite some time ago, but I have just come across your post and wanted to contribute some thoughts. My daughter is 15 1/2 and started dating a senior (17 at the time) in the fall of her freshman year. My husband and I had the same thoughts - she would go behind our back if we said no, so at least this way, we could keep a controlled eye things. If I had known then what I know now, I would never have allowed this relationship. Let me say, this is not a bad kid. We grew to care about him very much and felt he was a part of our family. We naively thought they were being respectful and following our rules. We didnt allow them to go out alone. We didnt allow sleep overs. I always check on my kids throughout the night and I never caught her sneaking out etc. We had open communication with his family about what our rules and expectations are and felt they were on the same page as us. My daughter and her boyfriend seemed to have a good relationship. No major drama or fighting. They seem to have a really good friendship above all else. My daughter had some issues with grades dropping which we attributed more towards it being her freshman year than anything else. We continued our cell phone rules (ie phone plugged into our room at 9pm on weeknights, 11pm on weekends). We limited her internet access on her ipod. No computer in her room etc. In short, sort of, we felt like we were doing everything right. There was a little nagging in the back of our minds, that she was focusing too much on being with him and not enough time on previous things and friends that used to make her happy. But again, no huge red flags. Fast forward to two weeks ago (10 months into their relationship). We have decided to put our house up for sale, and had people coming to see the house so I decided to do a Mommyclean on both kids rooms. I found - lighters, bottle caps from wine coolers, love notes that were sexually graphic, an iPod Touch that we didnt know about and...brace yourself....battery operated sex toys. Of course, I was completely floored, shocked, heartbrken, angry...you name it, I felt it. On the iPod were nude pictures of both of them as well as videos of the two of them, together and seperately in sexual acts. There were pages and pages of text messages which allowed me to piece together what had been going on in my daughters life for the past 10 months.Including the fact theat they were having unprotected sex and he didnt even care if she got pregnant. He would take care of he, he said. Without a job, apparently.I had what I thought was a pretty open road of communication with my daughter aout sex, about pregnancy, about making choices that are good for HER amd healthy for HER, and how important school, college, etc is. We are now at a total loss on how to get through this with our family in tact. We have of course, forbidden her to see him. He has graduated, is 18 and no longer going to her highschool. We have taken her phone and every other freedom she had. We have spoken to his parents and grandparents (who he is now living with) and they have supported our wishes that they have zero contact. Of course, being teenagers, I know they have been finding ways to communicate while she is at school. I have taken an upaid leave of absence from my job in order to babysit my teenager. We dont know how else to handle this. If I had said NO 10 months ago, my 14 and now 15 year old daughter would probably not be so sexually saturated. I share this now because I felt like we did it all RIGHT. I thought we were being smart. I thought we had covered all the bases. I was wrong. I hope othr parents can see my story, and make the best choice for their own child. And if anyone has any advice for getting through this time, please please please....tell me.

E - posted on 02/17/2014

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I was a 14, just about 15 year old girl that dated an 18 year old male in high school. Let me tell you, I was wooed by his charm and charisma..and looking back, 14 and 15 year olds want to be accepted by their peers-- I wanted to be accepted by this 18 year old. I grew up without a father, so I looked up to this 18 year old as he told me "don't worry, I'll protect you" I believed him. I ate all of it. My mother liked this 18 year old and he'd come over unannounced, joke with her and even woo her. My mother was OK with this man coming over unannounced (aka no boundaries). He would come over and have sex with me, unprotected, and somehow my mother was oblivious to this for about a year and a half. I would be upset and cry at times because I was so miserable in this relationship, but the 18 year old would tell me he'd be the best thing I'd ever have and I believed him. My mother never asked what was wrong. In fact, I asked her at age 23 why she hadn't asked me what was wrong and she said, "I thought you were upset about my relationship" (she was in a rocky relationship with her boyfriend). It kills me that my mother couldn't see what seems obvious. My grades, too, declined- I lost my friends- only hung out with him. I didn't even realize I was sexually abused, and raped, but also emotionally and mentally abused, and shamed. I am in therapy for this now, thankfully. I am at a point where I'm surviving through my trauma and can't wait to thrive through it. Take it from me: DO NOT let your daughter or son date at an age with an unreasonable means. Even if you ask them questions, and they respond, you will want to believe them, but they will lie to protect their own relationship. Sad, but it's true. Hope this helps any parent(s) in this situation.

Richard - posted on 11/07/2013

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Not all 18 y/o are about sex. I know I'm not a "mother" but I want to point that there are some 18 y/o who know how to control the hormones and wait. Sure it's out of the legal document for 18/14 but with the right mindset they could build a better future for themselves. I mean would you rather have your daughter date a responsible, intelligent, 18 y/o or another dope head sex crazed 14

Julie - posted on 02/17/2012

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If my husband found out our 14 yr old was dating an 18 yr old grown boy - he would be sitting in jail for statutory rape. Not right at all. HUGE difference between a 14 yr old and an 18 yr old. And here is another question - WHY can't he find a girlfriend of his own age. Makes you wonder.

Ella - posted on 02/10/2012

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Well I hate to say it's a little late.......16 year olds date, not 14.....would u let your 12 year old date a 16 year old too?

You guys will benefit from some family therapy, this goes back to your childhood, and yes, she is probably living the life of an 18 year old now....are you being an advocate for college and career with her....or housekeeper/baby daddy chaser?....good luck.....ella

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Get - posted on 04/24/2014

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the type personality that wants a child of 14....when he is 18.......is NOT healthy...he wants a "woman" that is not yet equally mature in intellect and judgement and just plain life experiences....TRUST ME he will control her....she will stay no matter what...even if she is being mistreated...........she should date her own age, so they can find their way into teen relationships and all their awkward behavior TOGETHER...not a guy who went thru that maturing process FOUR YEARS ago

Heidi - posted on 02/01/2014

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How is that even legal for a 14 year old girl to date an 18 year old? I think that you are playing with fire!

C - posted on 01/20/2014

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lol.. I don't know too many responsible 18 yr olds Richard.. Just saying.

Not that there aren't any, but they are just getting out of HS themselves and there is a good chance that they are still living with mom and dad.

Margaret - posted on 11/11/2013

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It's a good thing to allow it but you should also know that giving her a limit to things would also damage on how she feels about things. She's still a teenager and doesn't know a lot of things yet. You need to slowly tell her things and know that she'll get hurt by things you say too so be careful of your words. It's good to have a good talk with her about it at first and let her know your thoughts, also let her know what's right or wrong. Try to persuade her. She might listen. She might be starting to think about things differently but it might be better. Being more mature is a better thing than being naive and then being betrayed all the time. It'd hurt a lot and she'd fall into depression in no time. The more mature, the more safe it is. Don't put too much pressure on her though. It wouldn't be so good. Good luck.

Tanya - posted on 08/16/2013

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The relationship is over and We really had no problems...The relationship just ended and they are still friends. I learned a lot from this experience, and eventually made the same decision for my younger daughter when it was her turn to try this. It was a real learning experience for both of them,but I don't regret my decision at all.. It was was worked best for my family situation. And all those that found something wrong with it, then that is your choice to make. i found I wanted my kids to be truthful about who they were with and not have to sneak around. And after getting to know the boys I felt my daughters were in very safe hands. It is about being involved and knowing what is going on that makes decisions like this easier.

Samantha - posted on 08/16/2013

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not sure about an 18 year old who wants to date a 14 year old. tell her it's like her dating a 10 year old and maybe she will get a better perspective on how you feel.

Angelina - posted on 08/09/2013

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This is terrible Mum ,She shouldn't be dating ,I think as a parent you should not encourage it .She should be focusing on her studies.

Julia - posted on 08/03/2013

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My daughter is 14, and she has been texting an 18 year old guy. They plan on meeting up some day as he only lives an hour or so away. He seems nice as he respects my daughter but I really don't think this relationship is right. I don't want to tell her that she has to stop texting him as I don't want her to hate me. I just don't want her to get hurt. What should I do?

Justin - posted on 05/25/2013

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You should be put in prison for endangering your own child. You are desgusting and need mental help.

Justin - posted on 05/25/2013

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well, most kids wouldn't do it anyway. The only time kids started doing things like this is when parents started getting lazy and used that as an excuse not to do their job by raising their kids. Now those children has no since of guidance and now see their parents as a friend instead of an authority. This stuns their mental growth and shows they are not loved by their parents, but only told they are. If a parent does not guide their child or show them right form wrong, then that child grows up with the empty feeling of know thing there is nobody willing to give them the truth out of love.

Michelle - posted on 12/27/2012

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My experience, First a 14 y/o should not be dating an 18 y/o, but you are right rebellion will win in the end. I can tell you that chances are this relationship will not last. The only way this relationship will continue to succeed is if they are able to have sex on a regular basis. I know this is something that mothers do not want to think about, but let's be realistic. Boys in this age group can not think of anything else, and a 14 y/o will do anything to keep a trophy boyfriend. If you regulate their relationship and their alone time then this relationship will fizzle quickly and your daughter will reunite with her friends again. You really need to sit down and discuss these issues with your daughter and pre-warn her for what you see in the future. Even though she will not believe this could possibly happen to her, when it does she will know mom was right. Her heart is going to break regardless, but atleast you will have opened the line of communication. I had a similar experience with my 14 y/o dating a 16 y/o, and trust me as soon a she was grounded the first time in their relationship and not allowed to even see him, he moved on. When he tired of that girl he came crawling back to my daughter, which I basically forbid the reunited relationship, and explained that he didn't care about her if he chose not to wait out her grounding before moving on. So, long story short they seen each other behind my back, but he continued to treat her like crap and eventually she figured it out on her own. Mom was right. Now at the age of 16, she thanks me for being there for her and knows I was looking out for her, not trying to be controlling. I hope this helps.

Jerina - posted on 12/25/2012

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So this means she is sexually active. That is statutory rape. By law a 14yr old can not make a decision to have sex. I know, I have had this experience with my own daughter just a few years ago.

Sabrina - posted on 12/19/2012

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Brooke - thank you for the long term reality check. I actually stopped following this post becuase of this. I felt out of touch with so many who agreed.And I'm glad after so much time to look back and find that I was not alone. My position still stands. Statistically, problems will arise of a more serious nature. Some have been brave enough to be honest about this. Your honesty is refreshing and fair warning to those who care to listen and think twice about the emotional consequence taken not with the comfort of their lives, but that of their children. As I said, emotionally, young girls are not as equip for the natural age diff. Best regards to regrouping with your child and I may consider therapy as the appeal of this high speed sexual life may be a draw for future behavior and a premise to connect with men/boys in the future. Will the innocent age appropriate boy seem too boring after all this? One may wonder.

Kristin Flowers - posted on 12/19/2012

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My daughter is a 15-year old freshman. I have just found out that her supposedly 16-year old junior is a 18-year old senior. I found out because her friend threstened to tell us and my daughter attempted suicide. I blamed my parenting and the divorce of her father and i. The guild overwhelmed me until I read a text that revealed her little lie that led to her suicide attempt. Now she will be returning home from a hospital stay and I dont want them to have contact. SHe is refusing to end the relationship. I am at a loss...overwhelmed and disgusted with the lies.....

Lissa - posted on 10/27/2012

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I'm sorry if you don't like what im going to say, But your daughter may not be a virgin after this relationship is done. It really cool that your allowing this but think about it, He practically is a adult and her being a minor it more like babysitting. And if she gets pregnant he will probley leave to protect his reputation think about it. A 18 year old knocking up a 14, Hes probley a sweet guy

But think about yourself being her

Amanda - posted on 04/24/2012

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My daughter is 13, but is often mistaken for 18-20 year old because of her height and maturity. The teens at our church are all 16 - 19 and there aren't any her age and so she associates with them. If she were to be asked by one of them I would let her go out, but I would have to be along, not directly, but off in the background. It's hard sometimes to remember she is only 13 because she is homeschooled she is used to being around adults a lot and can communicate on an adult level. She has asked about dating and I've told her I would have to accompany probably until she reaches 16. I figure if a guy is willing to accept that, then he can't be all bad.

Betty - posted on 04/21/2012

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my daughter tried that, and i would not let her, i put camera in my house, alarm on my doors, and i let her know that i would have him arrested for messing with a minor.l also let him no if he sneaked and tried to have sex with her i would have him arrested for statutory rape. He didn't want to have to do with her after that. Than later i found out that he already had a baby by another young girl.

Debi - posted on 04/15/2012

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You need to tread very carefully here. If he so much as touches her inappropriately, the courts won't care if she consented, she's a minor and he is not. He can be charged as a child sex offender for a long time. This happened to my brother-in-law. He was 18, she was 13 and there was heavy petting that her mother found out about and they charged him as a child sex offender. We had to go to a class to become certified sponsors of him so he could be around our children, his own nieces and nephews. He couldn't even be in line at the grocery store w/in so many feet of a minor.



I too think she'll try & mature long before she is ready. His life is much different than hers even with just a 4 year age difference, its a big 4 years. I would watch this relationship very carefully because all it would take is an anonymous phone call to get authorities interested.



And even if he's not pressuring her for sex, she may feel she has to placate to keep him happy especially when girls his age are so much more mature and mobile. Know what I mean?



I know it's hard and I wish you all the best.

Natalie - posted on 03/13/2012

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@Tanya-I agree, at that age it will be the "end of her world". When I was 14, I had a boyfriend that was 18 and he was a real nice guy that didn't pressure me to do the things that 18 year old do and I was not a teen mother either. I think if you talk to them both and let them know where you stand, then it will fizzle its way out like any other relationship. Just don't fool yourself and think that it can't happen. It doesn't matter if he is 18 or 14. So don't ignore it. Best wishes.

Christina - posted on 03/11/2012

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if my brother found out his 14 year old neice was dating a 18 year old, he would probly kick my *ss. yes its only a 4 year difference but seriously what do 18 year old boys think about. do you want to be a grandma?

Di - posted on 02/07/2012

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I'm sorry but I think this is awful. A 14 year old should be out having fun with friends her own age, not getting serious with an adult. I know that some people have had a relationship like this and have lived happily ever after but they would be the minority. I would be extremely concerned if my 19 year old son showed interest in a 15 year old- I would tell him 17 and no younger. Sure kids lie and go behind your back that's their job- to push the boundaries. Your job as a parent is to push right back and keep them safe. It's great that you are keeping the lines of communication open- maybe you could try to get her involved in some other activities with her friends. I hope that all goes well for you and your daughter.

Kim - posted on 06/19/2011

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I have a 15 y/o and I nor her father and stepfather would allow her to date an 18 y/o man. @ 14 you aren't equipped with life experience. I pray that my daughter does not approach me with the desire to date an 18 y/o man. I would listen and then question this mans motives for wanting to date a child. We (biological father and I) just gave our daughter permission to go out on group outings that include boys. She also knows that I would give her enough rope to hang herself. meaning she has freedom to be with her friends as long as she is honest and up front with us. Sje must tell me where her group is going and who might be there. I will probably drop by without being seen to check up on her. My daughter knows that as long as she is honest with me the sky in the limit. I was not a teen mother so maybe I have a different view on this then you. But once again I would not allow my child to date a man and if she tries to sneak around she would get caught and lose ALL her FREEDOM.

Tanya - posted on 06/01/2011

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Thank you for your response Tina. I worry about what will happen if he breaks up with her. I know how devastating it will be. On the other hand at that age, it doesn't matter whether the boyfriend is 18 or 15 when a relationship ends it is the end of the world. I hope things worked out okay for your daughter!

♥TIA♥ - posted on 05/17/2011

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Not sure I would approve of that....My teen ain't allowed to date till 16.

Tina - posted on 05/09/2011

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My daughter started dating a senior at the beginning of the school year. (She is a freshman) She turned 15 in September and he turned 18 in March. We allowed it also with some strict rules and as we got to know him and his family we loosened up a little bit. They were together for almost 8 months but about 2 weeks ago he broke up with her and was seen out with another girl. Our whole family was crushed because we had trusted him so much. Now he thinks he wants her back and we are going to have to lay down some serious rules for it. We watched our daughter lose all of her friends and be consumed with what he was doing. She literally lost her whole freshman year to him. Be careful. Try to limit the amount of time she spends with him. There is a big difference in maturity from 18 to 14-15. I'm with you on allowing it so they don't sneek around. I figure that if we have an open relationship with our daughter she will be more likely to come to us if she has a problem.

Tanya - posted on 04/08/2011

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I to was pregnant at 16 and you know what, I don't want my child or grandchild to have to struggle through life like that. But there are also worse things. I would rather that than her lying going behind my back and other things that are much more destructive. I believe in my daughter and trust her. If pregnancy becomes an issue then she has the love and support of her family. As I said there are much worse things in the world that teenagers do!

Sabrina - posted on 03/28/2011

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karen...i strongly disagree. even from a human development model, they are in 2 seperate life stages and this, the deper it goes, is VERY likely to cause problems. diff needs at diff ages. period. there are lots of things i dont want my daughtetr to do, like smoke dope, but i dont simply say OK, out of fear? and BRANDY open minded is a liberal term for this situation. it almost sounds complimentary. what you had was maybe the rare exeption to the rule, and im suggesting a little more guidance and gut to parenting this young child. ladies, im not on this one for support and i don't think I want to apologize either. within 3 years, they could be having sex and the dynamics can complicate emotionally and physically and no one would pay the price quite as harshly as the baby and the now 14 year old child. its a dice game for poverty, dropout, depression, emotional issues, pregnancy, premature sexualization and self esteem issues. :( disapointed and sadened by the feedback.

Sabrina - posted on 03/28/2011

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i was pregnant at 16. pull the plug on this quick. your responsibility and obligatyion, however uncomfortable it may be, is to guide her into good judgment. where she lacks iot on her own, your there to make it for her. the fact that she would do it anyway??? i dont know about that, in fact, i'd say maybe not. and even moreso, the premise is faulty, you dont let ppl do all sorts of bad stuff jjust b/c they would do it anyway. animal abuse? rape? peeing in public places? the rules are there for a reason. YOur daughter is being groomed for an adult level sexual relationship that comes with all sorts of emotional and physical expectations her young under developed mind and body can't ( and isnt suppose to ) handal. as i have told my own NOW 15 year old daughter....even "good girls" who know better are subject to teen hormones that make them lose judgment and act implusivly. so i dont have to trust you. im your mom and im doing my job. period. if you end up pregnant, THERE ARE ONLY 2 WAYS OUT...1.Birth and even if you chose to parent or put my grandchild up for asoption..you will never be the same. 2. ABORTION. and it will change your life and break your heart forever. And, our faith tradition does not condone it. SO, as I see it, the risk is too high and consequence too steep. NOw, as for you feeling that he is a nice guy. my ex husband was( is ) so freakin what? he's groping her when your not around, if you dont mind me driving the point home.
I THINK YOU NEED family therapy and to ask a trusted male role model in your/her life is this is the best possible situation to assure that your sweet little girl has the BEST possible chance at an emotional, sexuall, spiritual and academic future.

Tanya - posted on 03/19/2011

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Thank you for your thoughts ladies! Things seem to be going well and I hope it stays that way :)

Karen - posted on 03/17/2011

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your doing the right thing by letting her date him. You dont want her hiding or sneaking around. I think the worst you could do is let her go places with him and his friends. That is where she could end up doing somthing she regrets.

Brandy - posted on 02/09/2011

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When I was 14, I dated a 19 year old. I was more mature than he was, and I still had time to hang out with my friends at school and during the week but I would see my boyfriend on the weekend (behind my parents' backs, of course)
I praise you for being open-minded and realizing what your daughter needs: support. I only wish my parents had been so generous with their acceptance.

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