HELP SOON PLEASE unsure how to handle this issue!!

Melissa - posted on 04/07/2011 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Please I need some advice on this issue which is that my barely 16 yr old daughter went to my brothers sister and told her that she wanted to go get on birhcontrol because she's sexually active. This is not the problem had she come to me I would have taken her, was going to anyway becuase she said she was have female issue and i thought she might need the pill to regulate her and second i am the last person on earth who keep my daughter from birthcontrol. The problem is that my sister in law has still over a month later not called to talk to me about this i had to find out from a third and fourth party. I do believe in keepiing confidences and the privacy of all that but my family knows me well enough that there was no reason to keep this from me, I am the only parent my kids have everyday of their lives and I feel like this is important information for me to know. Am I wrong in being so upset about all the lying and hiding and especially my sister in law who by the by has 3 little girls of her own for not calling and talking to me about this?? I obviously have to have a talk with her suggestions needed on that and how to handle a daughter who promised swore that she is not sexually active and has been taught about waitng. Not that I completely believed that but i did trust my daughter suggestions needed on how to handle her, what to do! HELP MOMS I am desprete not to screw this up but I have to do something with both my daughter and with my sister in law don't I????? HELP SOON PLEASE!!!

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Gail - posted on 04/08/2012

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Melissa, I am not certain I am giving the best advice here, I do know that I have a 16 Y.O. daughter that I am open and honest with ,and I have several sister in laws that I could see such a thing happening. so This may not be the correct way to handle things but the following is exactly how I would handle them.

I wold arrange a visit or a lunch date or what ever it would take for some time for the 3 of you to get together at the same time.(especially since this information came to you 3rd party) you will get a lot of denial and blaming of the other one if you don't address them both together.

I would first reassure my daughter that I want her to always be able to confide in a family member, because that is important, but based on past conversations you felt confident that you would be the one she came to when she reached this point in her life.Because despite what a boyfriend or friend or family member might tell her THERE IS NOONE in the world that will have her best interest as a priority more than you!!! ( often our daughters would come to us until they mention it to the boyfriend and he freaks out at the thought of the girls parents knowing the truth about him) I would explain to her the importance of seeing her regular family doctor who knows everything about her health and has a responcibility to her well-being ( Unllike a family clinic that does not carry the same legal liability ) Make her aware that even though you still disagree and think she should stop having sex and wait for the right one. You are still willing to make sure you do everything in your power to keep her safe, happy and healthy,and If that means BC then ok, but make sure she listens closely to the dr. when there for the visit as to everything he will have to say about the pills and the long term effects they have and of course the fact that they are not 100% and so on and so on.... as for the sister-in-law, I would then say to her .....now that I have said what I had to say to my daughter, I want to say to you that I am so very hurt that as a mother of 3 girls you didn't think I had a right to know what was happening. I understand confidences and she asked you not to tell but when it is something that is a matter of her well-being possibly life or death since unprotected sex can be a death sentence in worst case scinerio. Your responce to the situation should have been.....I will go with you to talk to your mother because I know she loves you and will always do what is best for you and this is something I can not keep from her, but it would be better to come from you or you and I together if you want. but she must be told and she must be the one to make the arrangements with the proper medical professional. Because when the day come that she has 3 teenage girls she is going to need all the help she can get and all the comfort of knowing her own family members are not out sabotaging communication between her and her girls!!

I dont know if any of that helps or not but Ilike I said it is exactly how I would handle it.

Good luck to all of you

Gail Erdman

Constance - posted on 07/08/2011

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I know it feel like betrayal from both parties but from personal experience I do understand why your daughter didn't come to you. My mom was always very open about sex and told me if I needed birth contol then she would take me. When I did come to her she yelled at me and told me she would not support me having sex. I had my first at 16. Condoms didn't wok for me.

She probally thought if she did ask you would respond the way my mother did.

Your sister-in-law not telling you is difficult but if she swore to her she wouldn't tell you. Then she keeping a promise. Which means if it is another situation she is not comfortable coming to you about then she will trust her again. I am sure that if is was something like being pregnant, drug use, physical abuse or something like that your sister-in-law would come to you with out ever thinking twice. If you really want to know exactly why she didn't tell you anything about it then ask privately. Ask he to go for lunch just the two of you. Start it off with (If you aren't angry) I am not mad but I heard through the grapevine you took her and got her on the pill. Thank you for making sure she was protecting herself. I am just a little upset that you didn't even let me know that she had come to you.

Then I would let her know the things that you absolutly won't flip out and scream at her. And ask her if she can try to convince her to come talk to you even if your sister-in-law is with her. Sometime that is all it takes to get teenagers to open up to mom.

I defidently would not let your daughter find out you know she went to her for help. You want her to trust at least one adult and your sister-in-law happens to be that person. Work together with your sister-in-law so your daughter does truelly know she can come to you.

I hope this helps.

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Sharleen - posted on 04/15/2012

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Right This is simple ........Dont break the relationship you and your daughter have with said sister in law ......Go to your daughter and say
" Look hun you are nearly 16 and I know you have womans problems so I,ve been thinking prehaps we should see the doctor about the birth control pill?!
End of .......
You then havent done anything to upset anyone .....and you will make your daughter realise she could have asked you anyway ......

Now yourself ...Dont be upset you do now know about it so JUMP IN and sort it out

good Luck

Tracy - posted on 11/16/2011

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I think the issue I would have with this is, why did your sister in law think it itwas ok for her to get birth control for your daughter and not tell you. I could see the sister in law saying to your daughter, ill help you out, but we need to tell your mom. Its in the best interest of the child, and I think thats maybe how you can address it to her. Ask her houw she would feel if it was the other way around. I am sure she would want to know, not to mention that the possible side affects of pills.
Maybe your daughter was nervous to tell you or ask, because she would feel she let you down. Disapointing a parent is not an easy thing to deal with. being sneaky though isnt acceptable either. I think explaining to them both the importance of keeping you in the loop is a good thing, not to mention this is kinda one of the stepping stones that im sure you would have liked to taken with your daughter yourself...she is your daughter after all. Learning together is important. Good luck in tackling the conversation, just remember to stay calm in your conversation with both sister in law and your daughter. think mirrored reactions, if your calm in expressing the issue, your likly to get a more calm sensible responce. If your daughter turns on the tears, let her cry, but remember to listen and then talk. Sometimes its important for us as parents to shush up at times and just listen. our kids dont want to relive our every :when I was your age:moment....

Tanya - posted on 06/01/2011

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I think it may hurt you that your daughter went to someone else for such an important situation. It seems like that maybe more the issue as opposed to the fact that no one mentioned it to you. But as hurt as you are, you should feel good that you have raised your daughter to do what is right. She could have not said anything and gone without birthcontrol and ended up pregnant. Instead she confided in a trusting adult and did the responsible thing. And if she knew that the trusting adult ran to her mom and "told on her" she might not be so trusting about other serious issues and feel she has no one to turn to next time. Be happy that you taught your daughter so much and gave her the trust and freedom to feel safe and secure in making these decisions for herself. Hope it all works out for you!

Melissa - posted on 04/07/2011

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sorry i meant my brothers wife my sister in law and yeah thanks for your replie

Melissa - posted on 04/07/2011

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she is on the pill my sister in law did take her and it wasn't about telling me she was having sex it about not tell me anything all all!! by the by i did go to my mom and my daughter does know she could have come to me becuase we had already talked about possible getting on the pill sooo???

Mabel - posted on 04/07/2011

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Your brothers sister?sorry but I am confused on that one..Any way she never should have over stepped the boundaries of a mother and daughter but I am wondering if she even knew there were boundaries.You need to sit both daughter and woman down and explain what you are expecting out of both parties and let them know how it hurt and upset you that they didn't involve you in such a decision let a lone tell you anything about it.The other woman needs to be reminded that this is YOUR daughter and you make the decisions for her not the other woman.Hope this helps,and good luck.

Louise - posted on 04/07/2011

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There are lots of issues here that you need to look at. First of all it is good that your daughter has somebody she can talk to about this sort of thing. Think back would you of gone to your mum at 16 and asked to go on the pill because you were having sex! No! Is the answer. I went behind my mums back to get birth control at 16 as she would of had a pink fit if she knew what I was getting up to. If your daughter has a regular boyfriend then I would turn the tables on her and say look I know your not having sex yet but I would really like you to be prepared and maybe going on birth control now would help her with her periods as well. This way she would think that you still thought her a virgin and she would have the protection she would need not to make you a grandmother. Then when she is on the pill and taking it properly talk to her again about using a condom to protect her from sti's.

As for you sister in law how do you tell a 16 year olds mum that her baby is having sex! Not easy so don't be to hard on her she is innocent here. I am sure she has advised your daughter to talk to you about it, but your daughter feels to embarassed

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