How do you deal w/ a 16 yr old daughter that has to have the last word?

Jane - posted on 04/12/2010

LOL...don't let her...but I can guarantee....this too shall pass :)

Regina - posted on 04/08/2010

I can say that my daughter was this way for about two years and now she is much better and no longer has to have the last word....

Crystal - posted on 04/03/2010

Thank You ALL!!!I have felt like I am some how failing that my 13 gets so nasty sometimes. I felt so alone, I am a young mom and most women my age dont have a 13yr old. I was ready to pull my hairs out. I am going to try some of the suggestions on here,,,

Jodi - posted on 04/02/2010

I make sure I have the last word. Usually it's "your grounded". If she says something after that, I say "okay, i'll add another day to it". she begins to realize that the more she talks, the longer she's grounded. eventually they shut-it :)

Karen - posted on 03/18/2010

Thank you for all the help on here I was just about at my wits end with my 14 yr old daughter who is the middle of 3 girls (that is a whole other issue) who always had to have the last word unfortunately for us I do too, till now, after reading alot of the ideas on this page i have put a few into place with great success. She can have the last word but now i do not respond with my last word as it does not change what decision has been made it took a few days but now she knows that i am not going to fight back she has become more compliant there are still a few blow ups in the house either from her or me but the house has become a lot calmer so these are also decreasing.
I also realise that at this age they are trying to find their place in the world and what they have control over If there is something she needs to do I now also let her know clearly the consequences (even though we thought we were teaching these to all our girls she just didnt seem to get it) of if she does do the right thing or not and then tell her it is for her to decide which consequence she would like so that puts the ball back in her court.
Again THANK YOU ALL for all the advice and stories some days it has been great to know that i am not the only one going through these things

Shirley - posted on 03/01/2010

let her...who says you need to have the last word, as long as you've gotten your point across? what does it really matter ?? she's just messing with you, trying to get a rise.

Arica - posted on 02/26/2010

Let her have it..

Kelly - posted on 02/26/2010

i know exactly what you are going through!! my daughter is 16 and she has absolutely no respect for anyone. her attitude is more towards my husband than me but i still get it. Especially when she doesnt get what she wants. I dont know how to deal with it but im taking it one day at a time and some days are ok and other are hell on earth...depending on her mood! I've told her that if she rolls her eyes one more time i was gonna rip them out of her head!! im so glad to hear that im not the only one that feels this way or is dealing with this!!

Tammy - posted on 01/18/2010

Your not alone. And just so were all on the same page society has done this to our kids. They tell us we cannot spank our children or its abuse. So our children think they own us. Well I have 4 teenagers, 2 of my own, and 2 step. All live with us except one who has recntly left the nest. My daughter nad my step-son are both 15 years old. There also the 2 who like the last word especially the boy! Well God help there silly little souls I have severe anxiety now. So if they want the last word then by golly there gonna fight me for it. But these clueless saps never learn, i'm gonna win everytime. I've made my children aware that I will smack there mouths and not think twice about it. They know this. Now my husband is the push over. Thats right they'll treat him like a dog if im not around, even the youngest who is petrified to look at me wrong. I'll take cell phones, video games, computers, wifi, ipods, and there social lives as they know it. Do I care? Absolutely not I bought it all. Your not gonna talk to me like that while I hand you life on a silver platter. Don't get me wrong there teen-agers! They don't give up. But like I said I have anxiety I don't give up either. Don't take this the wrong way, my children are not abused in anyway at all. Would you want smacked in the mouth? I think not. Therefor your gonna quit before it happens. If you don't then your willing to give up your things. I have 4 very good kids. They don't break laws, they don't have criminal records, and they get good grades. But there still normal teenagers. There gonna test the waters. Its normal, just let them know the water is HOT and there gonna get burned. And always let them know you love them, even though they wanna lose there minds and test you. My husband and I like to torture our kids for entertainment anyways. Isn't that why we had them. So take a stand for all parents torture those teens and have fun. Goog Luck!

Christine - posted on 01/02/2010

my daughter is 17yr old and she just started to want to have the last work and it really gets me so mad at times but all's I do is just pray really really hard for her all the time.

Penny - posted on 10/01/2009

Many children in their teens needs the last word. So many reason why she may be disrespecting you. Remember she too is trying to figure out who she is and what her boundary's are as a person & daughter. My middle child, EvaJean, is always wanting the last word to. So I have now gone to "Old school" tactics...One way conversation, do not respond unless a direct question was asked. This may sound harsh, however we as parents need to keep respect intact or they'll railroad us. It doesn't always work...when it does, it's wonderful!! BTW: If it doesn't work take the cell phone, house phone, sleepovers AWAY. Best to ya!!

Sabrina - posted on 09/30/2009

LOL.
1. i bite my tongue
2. call my mom and caomplain only to be reminded that SHE A typical KID!
3. feel lucky that shes not in a worse predicament
4. have a clod drink of water
5.i assume she might be struggling with self esteem issues to some degree
and i remind myself that its her attittude...not her...thats getting at me.
6. I take a deep breath
7. I remind myself that im the adult and that her self image and physical brain isnt all developed yet...lucky me, i can help myself, she cant so much. it helps me keep perspective.
8. I wait it out, dont say a word and vent to her dad
9. I DO NOT GET INTO A POWER STRUGGLE WITH HER! or i lost the point of everything, no room for ego.
10. I pray for patience.

your not alone, my daughter is a sweety, but, when shes tired or hungry or not getting her way...she has to explain every loop hole in my rule book and train of thought! EEk. sometimes i just ask....whats bothering you, really?

Holly - posted on 09/28/2009

With my 23 yr old... I tried tooth and nail to get her to submit and teach her what I thought was important... that relationship was nearly if not destroyed. My now 16 yr old.. i approach differently. I talk to her as a friend. but not a pal.. I share with her what I would do or need her to do. Then I let her make some decisions, but I remind her she is stuck with the consequences. Unfortunately she has choose to pick the harder lower road many times.. but after me watching her fall on her face so to speak.. and no i dont' mean by letting her run loose or out of control but more so making simple preventable mistakes... I sit back and let her dust herself off... and figure out that its no fun doing things always her way. I have seen after letting her fall on her own she slowly started solicitating my advice and testing my theories. I learned the biggest thing was to never say teh old I told you so.. but more so commend her on how good things turned out by taking my advice... it's a hard road and took me years to get where I am, and yes... she still makes mistakes but now she is making smaller ones. At 14 she was out of control and on a path to destruction. at 16 she is now, more responsible and more cautious at times... at 16 they can go to jail is what I remind my daughter...but those are her choices. The idea of them answering to their own mistakes, seems to take you and your influence out of the picture and make them more the decision.. / problem solver.. Don't bail her out so fast if she gets into trouble the next few times. Make her dust herself off. This is my advice. I hope you have good luck with trying this if you so choose to.

Lisa - posted on 09/20/2009

Quoting Rachel:

Yeah I don't know either but if you find out let me know. My daughter just turned 17. She will absolutely not submit. She has no respect. She has to always say something. It has become to the point where I just try to avoid her. I know that sounds terrible but I feel like no matter what I say I get the eye roll and attitude like I'm just so annoying. I've tried to just make small talk but that ends up nasty many times as well. What do you do? I'd love some answers. Something to try!? Anything!

Oh I feel your pain !!!!!! my daughter went thru it... we couldnt be in the same room with out being at each others throats!!!..it took alot to get thru that one.....now shes almost 17 and apologizes to me still about how she was.....she too will get thru it.. i believe teenage girls are trying so hard to find themselves... i read a great book.. odd girl out.. the history of agression in girls.. i couldnt ever relate until my daughter was mid teens.....but this book WILL give you some insight on your daughters feelings....

Lisa - posted on 09/20/2009

LET HER !! i always hated that too... and i would tell her how rude she sounded...and id ignore it.. and eventually she saw how she sounded.....I think they all do it !!!!!!

Maria Martie - posted on 09/19/2009

I've learned a lot from my 4 daughters, they have all taught me that I am a person with stricked actions and I stick to my word. It was kind of funny to hear my 23 yo tell me that she had house hold rules that her husband's friends had to follow; ie when the kids are in bed they need to be quiet. My younges is 10 so she was 13 when the youngest was born I would tell her that she and her friends would have to be quiet. If they weren't quiet they left.



Now for this last word thing. I always have the last word, I thought until my 3rd daughter became 16yo. She taught me that if I wanted the last word that we would never be able to agree on anything. Now she is to ask her dad then come to me and tell me what they talked about and what her plans are. If she is confrontational with me She will automatically go to her room for a while then come back to talk. I am so proud we figured out how to do this. Fathers need to help with their daughters. Good Luck Girls!

Rebecca - posted on 09/01/2009

hi annie spencer, would u mind telling me abit more about this c.h.i.n thanks rebecca

Annie - posted on 09/01/2009

I am going through the same my 15 yr old daughter has anger issues and is very argumentive, she always causes a big scene can be violent towards other siblings when she dont get her own way. She talks back all the time doesnt help out around the house and when I punish her she sneaks out to the point where I have to have the cops look for her because she will stay out all night hanging with her friends. What I have done was file a C.H.I.N.S on her through the court with says that she is a child in need of services so now she has a probation officer that she answers to now. That has helped me

Rebecca - posted on 07/18/2009

im glad im not the only one and mine is 13. whatever whatever is all i get

Jen - posted on 07/16/2009

OH! The last word thing! It drives me bananas! We both want the last word, I know I can't help it so I'm pretty sure she can't either. If we could only come up with some catch phrase or signal or something that would allow us to let that go. It wouldn't end the arguing or turmoil or hurt or anger, but it sure would be nice to not get caught up in such a petty exchange! Keep us focused on the actual issue instead of just that stupid last word!! And as much as I like the phrase Samantha shared with us, I could totally picture my teen getting all pissy and insisting that she isn't just trying to get the last word in, but that whatever it is that she's mumbling or sniping is really important! You know? Grrrr. I'll be checking back here to see if anyone has something that might help me! Thanks for bringing this up!

Kathy - posted on 04/16/2009

teenagers are looking for control. remember to pick your battles. but also remember that once you put your foot down, that it stays down. let them know that some things are negotiable, others arent. it helps their self-esteem to win one every now and then. so ask yourself "how important that I win this one" or "will it hurt to give in". if a child feels like they dont have any control, it might be a great detriment to their ego

Lisa - posted on 04/15/2009

Teenage daughters are definately not easy. My daughter turn's 19 in July and I have been through so much with her. I try to remind myself that they have rampant hormones streaming through there bodies and are not always in control of their emotion.

The best thing to do is to persevere and to let them know that you won't give up on them because you want them to have a great future. It's very hard, I know, but it will get better.

Have a great day.

Lisa

Liz - posted on 04/14/2009

I have the same problem with our 16 almost 17 year old. Sounds like a lot of us do. We do survive it though.

We do not allow her to have the last word and if she thinks she can or insists she does, we do not drop the topic we are talking about. Obviously she has more to say that she wants us to listen to. So we listen to her. There are times we can go in circles so we end that simply by saying that we are the authority in this home and that we have explained ourselves very clearly on the situation at hand, have made sure you understand the situation at hand, and that you understand the consequences and resolution of the situation at hand. We have already listened to what you had to say and now you are repeating yourself and this conversation is over with. Please take yourself to your room until you can act like the young lady you are and raised to be.

If we get flack about going to the room, we begin to add chores to what she already has to do. She can walk down the hall mumbling under her breath whatever it is she wants to mumble and thinking she has the last word. Fine with me lol. She is the one that looks immature by doing that.

In our home me and my husband (he is their natural father) are the authority with Christ being above us. We always tell her that when she has her own home she can do what she wants in it. Until she has her own home she is to abide by the rules of our home. If she does not like it, get a job and prepare yourself to be on your own at 18 when you legally can be. You are more than welcome to live at home as long as you would like as long as you abide by the rules!

Walk away and let her mumble that last word under her breath. In all reality, she really didn't get the last word since you are the authority in the home and the authority always has the last word. The last word isn't going to change your mind so it is pretty useless anyways.

These kids....sheeesh...think they know as much as we do and think they can act as adults! It only gets them into a grip of trouble and problems when they do!

Bonnie - posted on 04/14/2009

No it's not a bad thing to want to do it but as a mother we don't even though we really want to just hang them up and let them think forever. I am in the same situation actually my 15 yr old thinks that the world revolves around her and she gives my bf and I no respect at all unless she wants something from us. Now that she is working she thinks she has the right to do whatever she wants. She even took it as far as not coming home the other night. She was found by my boyfriend at the local Robins Donughnuts coffee shop at 5:30am with two other girls her age. I was fit to be tied and I at that moment wanted to hang her up and let her dry out I tell ya. But we grounded her from her life, no friends, no going outside our house unless for school or work and we took away her cell phone for a month, we will see how that goes...

Tam - posted on 04/14/2009

We've had issues with out 15yo daughter too! It started a few years ago and I remember the first summer I phoned my SIL daily, crying about it because I was at my wits' end. And of course it was always our fault (to some degree it was because we weren't consistent in how we handled it), she would own no responsibility.

One day when things were calm (and after DH & I decided how we would proceed) we sat down and talked. We asked her questions (like how did it feel when we didn't listen when she yelled, etc.) We also told her what we expect and why. We don't want her to grow up unhappy because she mouthed out too many times to her boss, her love interest, etc., and lost it all. We explained that she was the one in control of her mouth and therefore she would be the one to decide how the situation would turn out. If she could remain in control of herself and her mouth and talk to us, we view her as mature and able to handle the responsibilities and privileges that come with age. That as long as she respected us enough to remain calm and talk, we would listen, but we would no longer tolerate the extreme language and all that. If she chooses to lose her cool, call us stupid (or worse) and curse or argue, then she will lose those privileges until she is able to regain control. No matter what, we were not going to engage in the arguments any longer.

It was difficult at first, but we see the glimmer of light on the horizon. Our house had a much calmer spirit more days than not and the boys (who were picking up on the signals) have ceased their defiance for the most part.

It's not perfect, but it works for us. She knows that with privilege comes responsibility and she is the one who can decide what she's ready for in any given moment (have the privileges or have them taken away, by how she reacts).

Tracy - posted on 02/26/2009

I am so glad to hear that it is not just my daughter.  She just turned 16 and I don't have a clue what to do with her half of the time.  She says I don't treat her like she's 16 and she has too many rules.  I told her to act her age and she will get treated like it, of course she says treat me like it and I'll act like it.  She always has to have the last word and when she gets mad, she just doesn't quit till she says so many mean hurtful things that I can't take no more.  When I tell people what she does here, they can't believe it because she is so sweet to everybody else.  I will try the let her have the last word but it is so hard to walk away.

Lesley - posted on 02/22/2009

I have the same problem . Last word thinks she is the centre of the universe.

Everything surrounds around her.

Rhonda - posted on 02/08/2009

My 16 yr old lost her cell phone & car at the same time because she couldn't stop arguing. She has learned her lesson. I start to open my mouth with a certain look and boy does she know I am about to mean business. It has taken me long enough, but I hope we have finally accomplished the issue in our household. Best of luck ladies!

Bonnie - posted on 02/07/2009

Well I see that I am not the only mother with a 15 year old who happens to have a mouth bigger then she is. I have two teenage girls at home right now 15 and 14 and i tell you WOW... It's very hard walking away when they talk back but when they try to get the last word well thats even harder. I will say though when I get into it with the 15 year old all I tell is is that for her benefit she had better not say another word and well depends on the argument or discussion if she pushes it she gets grounded off her cell phone and that is her lifeline but I tell you it works like a charm..

Rhonda - posted on 02/05/2009

I think it is the generation since there are so many of them around the same age out there :)

Sonja - posted on 02/04/2009

Wow, everything you all describe is happening at my house right now!!! My daughter just turned 15 and she refuses to help around the house, she gives me and my husband no respect whatsoever, and she is so mouthy I'd love to slap her sometimes. (Of course, I don't but....there's no law against wanting to is there?) She thinks we should hand her everything she wants on a silver platter with nothing in return and this infuriates me. Have I created this monster or is this just the age?? UGH!!!

Tina - posted on 02/03/2009

Let me know when you find out, because I have a thirteen year old the same way.

Nicole - posted on 02/03/2009

I wish I knew...I have a 13 yr old that is the same way. If you figure it out please let me know:) But I do pray alot and I have found that when I talk to her calmly & don't lose my temper she doesn't know how to react...

Alison - posted on 02/03/2009

Lol yes i am learning (slowly!!) to let go too. My almost 14 year old has already started the rolling of the eyes, the sneering and the condescending attitude... nice to know it wont last forever!! One thing i heard recently and have been trying with some success is to give consequences for her actions. eg if she is disrespectful towards me and then asks to go out with friends or have someone over the answer is no. If she can not cooperate by keeping her room tidy and helping a little around the house, then when she wants to go out shopping i cannot cooperate with her. When i explained this to her she accused me of going psycho!! However, she is learning that her behaviour and attitude has consequences. It doesnt stop her, but also gives me the feeling of being somewhat in control and that i am not letting her get away with it. Works much better than just yelling at her!! And def going to give Samantha's advice a try!! Anything that will help me stay sane for however long this lasts has got to be a good thing!!!

Rhonda - posted on 01/31/2009

Thank you Carla. I have learned to let go and let God take control. Which is very hard to do for a "Control freak"! :) Have a Blessed day!

Carla - posted on 01/30/2009

This sounds like your young miss(es) wants to be heard. Perhaps she is looking to make some more adult decissions in her life and to be treated a little more grown up? Let her (them) have the last word! She will turn around in a year and let you have the last word. Our daughter is starting to resemble a human again and we are coming to our 20th year together and she catches me with the wisdom I shared with her during those years. They really are listening! They get it!  Hang in there mommies.....

Rhonda - posted on 01/28/2009

First of all, I am glad to know it's not just me who has an out of control 16 yr old. I also have a 14 yr old that has some anger issues, but those are easier to deal w/ than the arguing one. I too have tried spending extra alone time w/ her, reacting w/ more positive than negative, but it never fails, she always seems to get under my skin. I have learned to show my emotion to her when she hurts my feelings. That seems to have been the only thing that has gotten through to her. I also have learned that if I threaten it, I have to be willing to go through with it. That even means taking her car away. Which means either I have to take her to school & pick her up, or she finds a ride. At first I thought it would be hard for her to have to explain why she is w/o a car, but it didn't. Oh well, I just try to pick the battles I want to fight and make sure it is worth it. Thank you all for your thoughts and best of luck w/ your children!

Lynn - posted on 01/27/2009

My 14 year old always has to have the last word and she is rubbing off on her 2 little sisters. I just want to smack it out of her but of course I can't do that. I am at witts end with her!

Rachel - posted on 01/27/2009

It's hard because I don't want to "let her get away with it." It seams like there should be punishments for things like that! I don't want conflict but I also don't want to be pushed around. I'll give it a whirl though.



I have also tried just spending time with just her and I. Sometimes I'll bring her with me to my Pampered Chef shows. That works well at times when the show is a good drive away. Then I try to just have conversations as non-abrasive as possible. That helps. Plus she's learning to cook and I'm making money. I usually give her a tip for helping me out also. So at least all our memories will not be fights.

Samantha - posted on 01/27/2009

I was told to say the following and stick to it, "I'm not prepared to argue with you, about this, but if you want the last word, well you can have it!" Now when I questioned how this could be of any benefit to me! I was asked what are you trying to achieve?and the answer to that was, "no conflict with my teen"
The first time I tried this I felt a bit like a dill, saying it to her and when her last word came!. what was it??...... BITCH!! any other time I would have reacted, "don't you dare call me.....blah! blah! blah!! but I followed the instructions, My daughter got so frustrated that she wasn't getting a rise out of me, I could'nt help but smile!! therefore changing the whole feel of the situationthe outcome and my sense of sanity!!!
best of luck
SamXXxxXX

Rachel - posted on 01/27/2009

Yeah I don't know either but if you find out let me know. My daughter just turned 17. She will absolutely not submit. She has no respect. She has to always say something. It has become to the point where I just try to avoid her. I know that sounds terrible but I feel like no matter what I say I get the eye roll and attitude like I'm just so annoying. I've tried to just make small talk but that ends up nasty many times as well. What do you do? I'd love some answers. Something to try!? Anything!

Lorraine - posted on 01/27/2009

I don't know, but my daughter is only 14 and I have the same problem. Or else she ends with "What are you talking about?" and I am ready to scream.