Being at home and doing everything!

Jeanna - posted on 09/24/2010

My partner was the same way during my first pregnancy and i became really angry and resentful of him to the point that i made him leave the room during labour cause the sight of him made me mad.
I made a pact with myself not to let it happen this time and i had a similar "talk" to what Yurena described as soon as i found out i was pregnant.
He's been helping me a lot more during this pregnancy. he gets up to the baby at night for me now so i can get a full nights sleep (his work is in shifts so he often naps during the day to make up) And on his days off he gets up early with the toddler and lets me sleep in and does all the cooking. So in a way i get a day off.
He still complains when i ask him to change nappies for me but loves taking her for a shower ( i have to dry, dress etc after but im thankful for what i get)
All im saying is that there is hope. Some men take more convincing than others (and a lot of "could you please... while I ...") but give lots of praise and thanks when they do things and they start to enjoy the time they spend with the kids.
Hugs 4u. cause i know how hard it is to have "the talk" without it becoming a fight (3 unsuccesful attempts for me).
XOxoxoxo

Yurena - posted on 07/29/2010

Break the TV, drastic but will make a difference. Don't tell him it was you. Disconnect, open the plug and remove the fuse, he'll never work it out.
Or tell him that if he doesn't want a family he needs to tell you NOW, before you continue raising his children, making up excuses for why he is such a lazy partner and father, cooking his meals and washing his skidmark pants. If he wants a servant he needs to hire somebody and they'll leave him alone as much as he wants as long as he keeps on paying for the work they are doing.
Good luck, he needs to wake up and smell the coffee, his partner and children are not going to love him and respect him just because he happened to produce some sperm at a certain time and watches telly near them.
X

Michelle - posted on 07/29/2010

Oh my goodness I have been driving myself mad the past couple of months trying to get back into being a stay at home mom now that I'm pregnant again. I have a 1 yr old son that we lovingly call "earthquake" and for good reason. I had just begun to get my old energy levels back after having a really tough pregnancy and one very colicky baby boy. Now I'm pregnant all over again and having to get used to chasing my son for 14 hours a day plus middle of the night teething episodes again is killing me! Plus, add on the housework and errands and all the prep for a new baby, it's ridiculous. My boyfriend likes to think that telling me he's tired after work and just needs a few minutes when he gets home are magic words...actually they are...magic fight words. I immediately start freaking out because I need a break too! HE gets to eat breakfast alone, HE gets to eat lunch alone, HE gets smoking breaks during the day...and HE gets to sleep through the night! Not to mention, he didn't have to fight a toddler all day that has decided he likes to bite when he's pissed.

Men would do well to "share" their weekends with us. He takes the kids for the 9-5 hours on Saturday and we take them for the 9-5 hours on Sunday. That way, everyone gets a break. I know at least for my son, his daddy ignoring him to watch tv when he gets home is like getting stabbed in theheart. My son will literally turn around and do the first off-limits thing he can get to just to have his daddy's attention. It kills me everytime...especially when I'm the one getting bit.

Yurena - posted on 07/26/2010

Very common your problem. He think he does 'his job' and you 'yours'. The fact is that he does not do 'his job' 24/7, and we do, we get up in the middle of the night and do feeds, ill children, etc. This for years!!!! There is not a day off, not in a week, not in a month, not ever. No wonder why women get so many more heart problems than men (sleep deprivation related). You may have tried nagging and even crying (I did, out of exhaustion and desperation). This normally doesn't help, they do, badly, what you ask them a million times and resent you forever. Try sitting for a minute with him, if you can after the children have gone to bed and the tv is off or at least on the ads. Tell him clearly and with your heart in your hand that that you understand he is tired from work and you understand he wants to relax watching telly or whatever, but you are ALSO tired, you are running a house AND raising the children, plus heavily pregnant. You are physically exhausted (pregnancy in itself is enough to rundown anyone, never mind two small children). Even if he is doing a physical job himself you are probably smaller than he is and doesn't have 'anyone' growing inside him, taking all the calories and calcium and iron away. Tell him you are not expecting him to do a lot, just little jobs that can help all of you and make you feel that you are something else than a baby machine and a cleaning/cooking lady. I don't know how your relationship is but try NOT to make it into a fight (even though he may perceive it as a 'telling off', he is probably using you as a mother figure and you treating him as a child, at least that's what happens very often, so easy for them because you are the 'bad' one, 'telling him what to do all the time', blablabla). If he thinks of you as his partner, and thus as an equal, why is he expecting you to do all the heavy chores at home? Would he be happy if his mum or sister or daughter had to raise 3 children and had a strong husband that was happy to see his wife wasting away while he sips beer in front of the telly? Surely not. Try to create special bonding situations between him and the children, bath, a story telling, playfights, and don't interfere (I can't help it myself), let them have their time with dad. Then he will look forward to it instead of seeing it as a chore or punishment. After all they are HIS children too. Anyone can pay the bills (in England if you are a single mum the Government gives you money AND housing) a father and a husband is something different. Ask him if this is how he wanted to be when he asked you to marry him. All this not in a reproachful manner, but looking for solutions, you are at the end of your tether and you don't want to resent him either. If you are successful in this PEACEFUL talk and he seems understanding the chances are he'll start with some gestures. If he doesn't remind him gently 'have you thought anymore about the chat we had because I could really appreciate if you did some dishes/hang out the washing, etc', nothing too challenging. He may start with the dishes or preparing some dinner (cheese on toast tastes great if someone else makes it and you save an hour cooking and the washing up!). This is your chance to 'train' him. I don't mean to offend but men are like puppies, they need a lot of reward. Thank him, thank him with words (check how you phrase it, avoid 'it was about time you...' and try 'thank goodness you helped with the bath time, I don't feel so tired right now'), with gestures, a smile, a cuddle, a kiss, or his favourite dish. It really works a treat. I think in times like these you both need to think of why you married each other and the life you want, more than thinking just today or this month. Does he want somebody to have happy memories with or someone who does his laundry while he has the happy memories with other people? How does he want to be perceived by his children, like a lazy dad or a hands on? do you have any little girls? is that the type of man he would like them to end up with? I doubt it very much. Life is difficult itself, we don't need to make it worse to each other. These times are to find comfort in each other, remind him of that, it'll be worthy in the end. The priest at my wedding told us to love each other generously and that must go both ways. Don't take each other for granted. It may take a lot of time and there will be times that he 'forgets' to do stuff, or that you all exist. Keep on being gentle but persistent, make him see what he is to gain (a happy wife when you get home, when you go to bed, when you wake up...makes a difference). You'll be able to do things together, watch a little movie or down to the park with the kids. THIS IS HIS LIFE AND HIS FAMILY, it's not like it magically it'll be lovely and perfect 10 years down the line. I have been married almost for 3 years, 2 little children and it's now when my husband has started really showing what a good husband and very caring father he is. I thank him all the time (because I feel thankful that he is not the selfish man he used to be after the 'honeymoon' period) and I am now starting to enjoy the children and being married. It took time but it seems it's going to stay like this, I certainly hope so. I'm looking forward to the future now. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you. x

Carina - posted on 07/25/2010

i am in the exact same situation. i have a 4 yr old and a 2 1/2 yr old at home with me all day while my husband works and we are due to have our 3rd in just over 4 weeks. i'm the one that does all the cleaning and it is hard especially when it gets really hot in the house. i hope that he would come home and help out just a little but anytime i bring up anything about him helping wit the cleaning i get a guilt trip that he works all day long and he isn't going to come home and clean the house. he makes it out to be that i want him to clean the whole house top to bottom as soon as he gets home. but all i really want is the slightest bit of help. so you know what i know how you feel and it really sucks. they should be willing to help out but i think they don't fully understand what we go through during the day while they are at work. you should add me to your circle and we can complain about our husbands some more lol

Amber - posted on 07/24/2010

Thanks ladies, Just hearing that I'm not the only one and the support you gave was enough to make me feel better! No baby yet, but contractions are coming tonight. Hope this is it! Wish me luck!

Sarah - posted on 07/14/2010

I know your life, I live it too. lol I have a 3 1/2 year old and a 19 month old, and due in December, so by the time I'm almost due, my kids will be 4 and 2 too lol Also a stay at home mom, so I totally understand how crazy the house can be and how chores can get get neglected! (Just now finally caught up on laundry, after it needing to be done for a least a month lol) I'm tired now at 17 weeks, so I can only imagine how you feel, being almost due. My husband also works full time, about 10-6 or 7 every day and when he gets home, last thing he wants to hear is me asking him to do some dishes. lol But as I remind him, and I'm sure you're the same. His job ends at a certain hour, mine NEVER does til I get to go to sleep. Kids are a fulltime, sun-up til sundown job. And they're more exhausting than any job I've ever had! And it never ends! Yes he helps with kids somewhat when he's home, plays with them or puts a stop to bad attitudes, which helps a lot, but rarely helps with the house. If he does laundry, he just does his stuff...once in a new moon throw dishes into dishwasher, but doesn't rinse them off first so they don't get clean even after running through the cycle so I have to redo them...lol So I generally do everything also. I save up my energy and do small bursts of cleaning at a time. I also use the kids, they clean up their toys, or put dishes in sink for me. I try to minimize, so there's not much to clean in the first place. Kids use the same sippie cup all day, eat leftovers or sandwiches so no dishes are really used,my oldest, she likes to vacuum...and still ask for help, no offense to hubbies, but being a mom 24/7 is way harder than any 9-5. Kids drain you physically and emotionally, chores never end, pregnancy just drains you period...you need help and he needs to understand that, just like mine does. Maybe let him walk in your shoes to get him to understand, on his day off, you go off and do whatever for the amount of time he's working so he's home alone with kids and chores. lol And pray he has your worst day, not best! lol ;)

Kaitlin - posted on 07/14/2010

I can sort of relate to this. I am a stay at home mom as well and is 7 months pregnant with a hyper toddler and does most if not all of the cleaning. my husband works all day as well and his job sometimes send him away from home for short or long periods of time, so I have no choice but to do all of the cleaning sometimes. considering that you are about to have another baby anytime, I would deffinately ask for just a little help with the cleaning or even helping by keeping the kids distracted while you did some cleaning. You could even ask the kids to help. My daughter helps me with laundry by throwing clothes in the washer and helps me pick stuff up off the floor and wipes off tables and what not and she is only 2. She enjoys it. I would just remind your husband that it is hard for you right now to do alot and that all you ask for is a little help everyonce in awhile with some cleaning. That's my advice. :)