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Rachel - posted on 08/24/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Ok so i am 4 months pregnant and the father isnt around.. at first i was ok with that if he doesnt want to be around then i cant force him. so i never really thought about the situation again i let him live his life and i was living mine.but my best friend seen him yesterday and said a few things to him about being there for his child and what not and ever since then i have realized how much it hurts and bothers me that he isnt here for me and the baby and he doesn't care about us.. i just feel so low now and i find myself crying more.. what should i do? how do i either get him to understand the importance of his support.. or how do i lift myself back up to where i was..

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Tamara - posted on 08/31/2010

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Hi Rachel,

First off let me say I am sorry that the father has made the concious choice to leave. It is very natural to feel the way you do because at some point he led you to believe that you had something special and when something happens like pregnancy, he bolts. Although it hursts he is showing you his true character and lack of maturity. I am not sure if you have tried to tell him how you feel, but if not, it could be worth a try. I don't mean that you want him back necessarily, but that your baby deserves a father's love and attention. Also inform him that you will be taking him to court and expecting him to support this baby. If he tries to tell you that this baby is not his, get a paternity test so as to prove to the courst that this baby is in fact his. If he still chooses not to help you raise your baby then ask someone close to you like a dad, brother, cousin or close friend to be a positive male role model especially if it is a boy.

In terms of the hurt feelings, I recommen you journal or write a letter to him (don't send it) of how you truly feel and then destroy it. Then let it go completely. You have to think of you and your baby and don't want your child to pick up on any unresolved feelings.
This will also help in relating to this gentleman should you choose to co-parent. It is the kids that suffer amids all the bickering and fighting. I do recommend you seek counselling to help you cope with this along with the stress of being a single parent in a healthy way. I don't recommend you discuss it with friends at it only keeps you stuck in the past and reinforces your pain suffering. Your friends would be of better use as supports to assist you with your kids.

Best of luck my darling.

God bless

Amanda - posted on 08/27/2010

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Hi Rachel. It hurts me to read what you are going through when you should really be so focused on your own happiness and bliss with being prenant. I am a single mother. My daughter if 4 now. The one thing that always lifts me everyday is I never once speak badly about her father or neglect that there is a chance that one day he will decide to come around more. For her I talk so positivly about him to her and always make sure to speak of him as her father. He may not be around but I make sure that she doesn't forget about him. I did tell my daughter a bedtime story one night.(just one I made up because she wanted to hear about a horse) So I told her of a mother horse who gave birth to a baby girl horse and they lived happily ever after.... She asked me where the Daddy horse was in the story.. That broke my heart on the inside. I had to be strong and revise my story to her.. You may get used to doing it on your own but one thing you never forget is that you need to know that you can do it alone and not count on broken promises. This way when or if that happens you and your child are takin care of. You just need to know that you give every ounce of support to your child for them to make their own decision one day on how they feel and that they know who was there for them everyday making sure they knew they had a father out there and you never pushed him away.

Kelina - posted on 08/26/2010

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Try a mom's group to help you get out of the house for right now. You have to remember that pregnancy is one of the most emotional times and horomones don't help the situation! Things always seem worse when we are pregnant and tired. TRy to get to bed early and get as much sunshine as possible to help combat the depression and ask for help if you need it. Rent movies about mom's whoa re doing it alone if you think it will help! Remember you can do this! If he wants to be there for his child then let him, but you can't force him, and chances are he's scared of the responsibility. He'll either come around or he won't but your baby is going to have a mother who loves him/her very much and that's what counts!

Rebecca - posted on 08/26/2010

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You can do this on your own.I am and have been fine.My daughters father has only seen her a few times in nearly 4 years.I have never stopped him coming to see her.I would never say he could not see her.as I don't want my daughter to hate me for keeping her father away from her.It's upto him if he wants to or not.I go out at least 5 days a week with my daughter to be around my friends who are there if I do need help.Try finding a mothers group in your area and get support that way.As you said you cant make him see your child.There is an on line mothers group I am on called mumsnbubs that helped me to. email mumsnbubs@yahoogroups.com.au It helps to talk to people that are going through the same thing as you are. hope this helps.

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