Is it normal to feel a sence of loss for your first child when having a second?

Heather - posted on 11/12/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I just feel like I'm losing something so special to me with having him be an only child. But so excited to share our lives with the new addition at the same time. I dont want him to feel like I dont love him as much.

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Jennifer - posted on 11/15/2009

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My daughter will be two this Saturday and her baby sister is due in March. I've definitely had similar feelings to a lesser degree.

I think every mother struggles with the task of sharing herself among her children. As long as you're concious of the effort that you need to make to give them as equal and as quality time as possible, which you obviously are, I think you'll find a balance that works well for your family.

I have a friend that said when her second child came along, her oldest, who was 21 months, found a new bond with her daddy that she didn't have previously. That's something you could try to encourage so that she'll feel like she's getting lots of attention and you won't feel so guilty about the reduced amount of attention you're able to give her.

Try to make time for just the two of you to do special things. Have the daddy or grandparents or a babysitter watch just one of the kids and plan special outtings for each child. I've heard a lot of people say this helped them a lot.

I hope one of the ideas I mentioned is helpful to your family. I'm sure you'll find a way to make it work once you've settled into a routine. Lots of other moms have done it and so can we!

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Heidi - posted on 11/20/2009

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my daughter is the light of my life and means everything to me. currently im trying to be a stay at home mom, run my own buisness and take care of the finances, the household and my husband. I feal like i dont have enought time now for my husband and daughter and i wonder how im going to juggle another baby. I worry that i wont care for the new baby as much as i do my daughter. she means more to me that anything else and i love her more than anything in the world. im not as excited with anthony and i feal guilty for it. i have a week and a half untill he gets here and i dont even have his room set up yet. Im hoping when he gets here all the fealings that i have for elaina will be there for anthony and that i can give my whole family the time with me that they need.

Crystal - posted on 11/19/2009

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to keep him part of the new life read him books bout the new baby coming and when the baby comes let him help you by getting a diaper for you or a outfit...and if u bottle feed let him help too..get him involved...

Lacy - posted on 11/17/2009

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I know how you feel. Except mine is with my second child. He just turned a year old and I am pregnant again. I feel like I am losing my baby boy already. This pregnancy was a surprise and I know he is going to resent this baby for taking his Mama away. Well I hope everything turns out okay for you.

Tess - posted on 11/15/2009

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Hi , yes i felt and still feel the same way. When i found out 6months ago i was preg it was a huge shock and i was so upset for my daughter , everyone else was happy and said Lily will be fine and gradually iv realised that but i still feel it every now and then so i sit down and tell her how much i love her, shes 16months, and she kisses my belly. I think its a mothers right to feel like this though!!

Lauren - posted on 11/15/2009

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i had my second daughter when my first was 14 months old,and i felt with my second that i couldnt really bond with her, i didnt feel as close to her as i did my first but 3 months on im feeling ok and love both my girls to bits, sometimes my eldest i think feels left out and craves the attention, while im feeding my second girl, but while im feeding, i make sure my eldest is close by and i talk to her to keep her involved,and say things like mummy has to feed your sister like mummy feeds you,i dont think she would understand but i still try to explain what i have to do and what im doing,but always make time for your first even if it means your partner stays home with the new born and u take the eldest to the park and always tell them u love them and lots of cuddles....im sure you will be fine dont stress....

[deleted account]

I am in the same position and feel the same way!!! My first and I are like one!!! I am already feeling the guilt!!

Kelly - posted on 11/14/2009

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Well I got preg when my first was only 4 months old! I had the same thoughs and felt like I was making my 1 year old grow up fast with a new born around. Now they are 1 and 2 and all those thoughs that I had are long gone!!! I thing I felt bad for the first 6 months ( with them both ) because one day I would think I gave more time to one then the other and the next day it would be the other way around. It all worked itself out in the end for me and I'm sure it will for you aswell :) Good luck

[deleted account]

Wow! I honestly never had that feeling. But I did have to make some changes. I had my 2nd son when my first was 20 months, and now im going to have my 3rd (a girl) in 6 days and my 2nd will be 23 months, my first will be 3.5. I have to say it all depends on your childs personality and the circumstances. With my first, I worked full time. He was ALWAYS a laid back child and when his brother came, he was SUPER excited and very interested in helping change diapers and pick out his brothers clothes. With my 2nd I was a stay at home home, so he was WAY more attached and possessive of me. So Im sure his feelings will different when the new baby gets here as he is VERY used to being the baby of the family.

Ive found that 1 on 1 time works really well. We do things as a family, but we make certain my oldest gets 1 on 1 time with Dad and 1 on 1 time with mom. Same with thebaby. They enjoy each other, but they also REALLY enjoy the 1 on 1 time and the individual attention. It seems to harness some of the jealously that may occur. Hope this helps :-)

Amy - posted on 11/13/2009

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I had that feeling too. My son is now 7 & my daughter 13mos. I was so worried that he would feel less love or attention but he has been great. He was thrilled when we told him he was gonna be a big brother for the first time. Helped me during pregnancy & always wants to grab her diapers for us or pick her clothes. We just kept him very involved & reminded him that his now sister was for us all to love together. I am 18wks with my third & he still is thrilled about sis & baby to be. We make special time for him, Hubby & me to spend together. Even if its just a board game.He loves it & so do we. .

Bridget - posted on 11/12/2009

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I had my second daughter when my first daughter was only 18 months old. During the pregnancy I felt really guilty for cheating my daughter out of more one on one time with me. She was my little princess & my whole world so I was thinking that she would just be devastated to share me with another child. When her baby sister came home, there was some jealousy but overall it seemed like no big deal to her. Now I know it was a good decision to have more than one. My two girls are best friends & they are both anxiously waiting for their brother to get here in 5 weeks.

Brandy - posted on 11/12/2009

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I just asked pretty much the same question a few weeks ago. I have a 18 month old daughter and am due in 9 weeks with my son. I know how you feel. I was so worried about not being able to be there for her throughout the day and being too tired to do the things we normally do every day. People who responded said that I will likely end up feeling like it was the other way around and that I didn't get to spend as much time with my son as I did with my daughter when she was a newborn. I'm feeling a bit better about it now, I just hope that the first couple weeks isn't too hard on her.

Amelia - posted on 11/12/2009

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wow I don't have a reply but GREAT question. I feel the same way. my daughter has been my princess for 2 years. I don't want her to feel put out.



Although I have heard that the baby is more likely to feel jelouse cause you already have that bond together with the oldest, and can do those special little things. I don't know thats just what i've been told

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