Losing love or the attention I give my son, when the new baby comes

Jenell - posted on 04/12/2010

Jennifer do you mind sharing some of those strategies with Daye and I. I am really interested in trying to work with some of those for Jr. The other day I had a breakdown on the phone with my bestfriend trying to explain the anxiety I have with having another child, and she said exactly what all you ladies have told me, that my love will grow, and I won't lose love for Jr. I just spend so much of my time with him, and dedicate everything I do towards him because I want so much for him. I mean I want the best for both of them, but right now Jr is my main focus. Thank you all again for reassuring me that things will be fine!

Rachel - posted on 04/11/2010

I have a 3year old and a 2week old. I wondered the same thing. I am trying to make sure I spend quality time with my 3 year old son when my daughter is sleeping. I try and make him a part of the process with his sister. Helping me and showing him how to love her "gently". I can tell you that your love for your first doesn't dim. You will love them just as much, although you won't have as much time to spend with them. Also, there may be some resentment. My son punishes both my husband and myself for bringing her home, but luckily he feels no animosity to his sister directly! I am learning how to deal with his aggression, and making sure he knows that even though mommy and daddy are busy with his sister, he is still loved. Lot's of time-outs right now, but I'm sure once his sister is a bit more mobile, his feelings of hurt will subside. That's really the hardest part of having another child. Your first feels replaced and abandoned. You gave them 100% of your time and attention, now they get 50%. That's a hard fall! Just make sure to include them in the care of the sibling, and ensure they know they are still loved...not replaced. Also, I make sure to play games with my son while breastfeeding. There is a great memory game I can play with him while I am sitting there, and reading books. That way both childrens needs are being met. Good luck, and I wish you all the best!

Daye - posted on 04/09/2010

hi there! I am also expecting a 2nd baby and my daughter will be 2 years and 2 months when the new baby is born. I am VERY interested in Jennifer G's strategies and tactics for getting my toddler to tolerate and perhaps love her sibling. As it is now I am terrified that she will react very poorly to the competition. She has strong willed personality.
Anyone else's suggestions would be helpful too.

And good luck Janell, I don't think having enough love will be a problem for most Moms. Having enough energy. . .? Now that could be an issue!

Danielle - posted on 04/02/2010

When I was pregnant my second child, I didn't expect the feelings I felt. I hadn't any idea how it would feel to have two, and I wondered at how I could possibly love another child as much as I loved my son already. During the pregnancy, I felt a love growing for the child inside me much like the rate he was growing himself. I was afraid at how to manage the feelings for both of them.

When my second son was born, I loved him. I took advantage of the three days with him at the hospital and just loved him and tried not to worry about my son at home with his grandma. When I got home, my older son was sick. The first night I spent at home with the newborn, I was up in the night with my 2 year old. I was so grateful that my mother was there. I felt like my heart was being torn in two because I wanted to hold and care for both of them at the same time, and I didn't feel like I could. My mom held my new little baby after I fed him and he went to sleep while I rocked my toddler for an hour or so until he calmed down. It felt like my heart was literally outside my body - like the saying goes "Having children is like having your heart walk around outside your body" or something like that as a rough quote... It was literally how I felt! But after a few days I began to manage it. It was much easier when both of them were healthier.

It is hard to comprehend before it happens to you, but you will love both of them just as much as you love yours right now. The love isn't taken away from one for the other, but rather, your heart grows to hold more love. It's beautiful.

It's always a big change adding another to your family, and it can take some getting used to, but don't be afraid. Things will balance out and you will find it's all even better than before. Your son won't feel neglected because you'll probably play with him while the new little one is sleeping, and they'll learn to share their mommy as they grow up.

A hint, though: always remind your child that the baby loves them. It's hard to force a child to feel love for a younger sibling all of a sudden. But every time my baby would smile or look at my older son, I told him his little brother loves him and they have become great friends.

Good luck!

Jennifer - posted on 04/02/2010

Hello Jenell. I completely understand - In fact, I'm expecting baby #3 now. However, back when we were pregnant with #2, I worried about the same thing. So, I employed some unusual tactics to help build a strong relationship between the two children even before #2 was born. I'm happy to report that not only did these strategies work, but they helped to build make my child feel very much a part of the experience. If you're interested, I would be happy to share. Jenn

Misty - posted on 04/01/2010

it means that you will find out when the baby is born just how much love you can feel, i know that was my biggest fear with my step children and my youngest, my oldest was my only child for a while, and he was my life, i was a single mother for a year and a half before i met my husband, and then i fell in love with his oldest son, and the love didnt fade for my oldest, it just seemed to grow for my oldest step son, then my second step son was born and love just kept growing, and when i was about to have my daughter, i about had a panick attack everywhere a turned cuz i was so afraid i wouldnt have the connection with her that i did with the boys, and it was just amazing!! believe me, your heart is bigger than you know, and it seems like you just learn to go with it, and you learn to distribute yourself evenly enough so everyone is included!!! i wish you the best of luck!!!

Jenell - posted on 04/01/2010

Thank you ladies! I guess when the time comes that will be the best time to actually see how things will go. I just look at my son now and just feel bad because of the way I feel about him. I do hope that once the baby comes everything will fall in order. Again thank you ladies for your feedback. :)

Neisha - posted on 03/31/2010

My son will be two in May also & I now have a 3 1/2 month old baby,i felt the same way as you.I wont lie, the first two - three months were extremely hard, tackling both kids & keeping up with their demands, but once you get yourself & the kids into a nice little routine, you will be able to concentrate on spreading your time with both kids. When the baby is asleep, have special time with your toddler, even if its a cuddle on the couch (you will be tired) watching tv or reading a book. Just having you near him when you are with the baby may be enough. I get my Toddler to help out with the baby, bringing me nappy's, wipes or the dummy, he feels special & feels as if he has helped out. Your love for him will not change, you will expand your love meaning, you will spread your love between the two. You will adjust, it will just take a little time. Good luck with your new baby

Tiffany - posted on 03/29/2010

I am due in aug with my second, and even though my daughter is 4, i still feel the same way about her not being the only child anymore. I think the emotional part just gets harder the older your first child is. I feel like she has been the princess for 4 years and now she is going to be the big sister and the helper. But I am just trying to have her focus on how important she is to me and how much of a big helper she will be. And how lucky she is to have a sibling. Plus i think its harder of the expactant mother than the sibling, as long as you do your best to prepare them..i hope this helps....