Is it ok for my daughters to call my boyfriend daddy?

Kristen - posted on 07/02/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My daughters father was never very dependable or in their lifes very much he has always been in and out but I have a wonderful boyfriend that treats my daughters as if they was his own and he is the one that is really their father figure that is always there for them and the one that helps take care of them take them to the dr.s and day care with me but then their biological father (sperm donor as i say) tells me if he finds out the girls call my boyfriend daddy he is going to wire his jaw shut as i know you cant tell a child that is so young that oh you cant call that person daddy but yet that is all they know as daddy and i know i will never be able to stop them from calling my boyfriend daddy b/c if thats what they want to call him thats what they are going to do but its not like we make them call my boyfriend daddy b/c we dont i dont tell them to go to daddy i tell them to go to ....his name... but they are the ones that say daddy and my oldest will call him daddy ....his name.... but my youngest has called him daddy since she learned to say daddy that is the only guy she has ever had take care of her but should i try to stop them from calling him daddy I really dont know if this is ok or not

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Jennifer - posted on 07/06/2010

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I got divorced when my oldest was 1 1/2 and had a little struggle with this as well. And actually it was on both sides with not wanting him to call his dad's girlfriend, who he ended up marrying "mommy" either.
The way I looked at it was when kids are young, they don't understand the full spectrum of what "daddy" means. They know what they see, that daddy and mommy live together and raise the children (at least while they're little, they get this picture of what a family is) and when a boyfriend comes along or has been there a long time I think it's natural for that to come around. It's a hurtful thing for the real dad, just as it was for me. I never forced my son to call my boyfriend daddy. He came home from a weekend visit with his dad and just started. But again, young children don't understand the full spectrum of what that word means to us as adults. My son ended up calling my boyfriend (turned husband, turned ex-husband) "daddy Jason". And it stung when I found out he called my ex's girlfriend mom but again, I had to remember that they are children and don't understand the full implications the word has.
The other side of it is (and I'm not saying this is your situation) if a mother hasn't been with her boyfriend very long I think the child should NOT call him daddy and if the child does, they need to be discouraged. Sometimes children are looking for that person to make the "family" they see in the books (mom, dad living together raising the kids) that when a man enters they want to put them in that spot. I think allowing that isn't being the best parent because if mom has 7 boyfriends before she ends up settling down with one, meanwhile the child is calling all these men "daddy"..... i just don't think it puts any positive light on what the child ends up viewing "daddy" as in their mind (conscious or subconscious). It's like getting abandoned by their "daddy" repeatedly. maybe i'm wrong but either way, unless the new man in moms life is planning to stay and raise them, they need to not call him daddy.
and i do think that you can have a child stop calling someone daddy if you need to. Now, your scenario sounds like your bf isn't going anywhere so maybe call him "daddy xxxx" (whatever his name is). But if they need to stop or he feels uncomfortable with it, by being consistant with correcting them and (even though he's a sperm donor) telling them they already have a daddy, and MAYBE tell them that he would become their step daddy only after you get married....something to that effect. I'm not saying you need to get married but it's just a suggestion if you want it to stop or if it needs to.
Talk to your ex. Explain that "daddy" is just a name for the man that is around and there on a daily basis and it doesn't negate the fact that he is their father, nor will they stop calling him dad. Explain this is the kind of thing that happens when you're divorced or if you never married, when you're not living together raising the child. Another man will be in their lives in most cases and he will end up with a girlfriend or wife and if he does get consistent with his visitation the child will possibly call her "mom" as well.
That's my experience and thoughts, just to give you something to think about.
One more thing, I recommend if dad's are not consistent with visitation, harass you, or....make physical threats you keep a journal of ALL contact with him and what happens. Note when he uses his visits, if he's on time or not. If he doesn't use his visitation if he lets you know or just doesn't show, etc. In the event he ever took you to court you have proof he was unstable. I got burned on accidentally trusting my ex with one thing that happened with a family member and he tried to get custody out of the blue over it. ALWAYS COVER YOUR BACKSIDE! again, just a suggestion.

Janeta - posted on 07/11/2011

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I see NOTHING wrong with it! If your boyfriend takes care of your kids, and your kids love him and he treats them like a Daddy should treat their kids then I WOULD NOT try to make them stop! They have developed that love for him (your boyfriend) and they know that he is always going to be there for them unlike their father (from the sounds of it) If your boyfriend and you are okay with it then I see no reason to make them stop. If their sperm donor has an issue with it I would tell him to get over it and if he would be more of a father to them then maybe they wouldnt call him daddy! I just see NOTHING wrong with it what so ever! ANYONE can be a FATHER but it takes a SPECIAL person to be a DADDY!

Melissa - posted on 07/10/2011

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NO ABSOLUTELY NOT....they have a dad- only one dad and one mom period. You can have other adults that are important n their life but that is confusing and damaging to allow or encourge that to a boyfriend no less. It is also very disrespectful to their dad. You can stop them from calling him that but i dont think you want to ....what if they called him a different horrible mean name? would you stop them from calling him that? you allow it and encourage it or possbly the BF encourages it and thats why you are unaware of where it is coming from possibly? Get married then he will be a "step dad" but first names are best all the way around except for the actual birth mom and actual birth dad. would you be ok with them calling potential dads girlfriend - mom? I know I wouldnt and I am both .....my sons "brother from another mother" ha! called me mom accidentally or testing it out (?) not sure and I corrected him when he was young (3-4)saying very nicely "no I am not your mom because you only have 1 mom and I am Melissa, but I am an adult in your life you can ALWAYS count on if you ever need anything and you are important to me. Works fantastic and I get along famously with his mom because of that....

Dena' - posted on 07/10/2010

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If this s the man who is consistently in there lives. I see no problem. MY neice has Dad Cory(step dad) and her sperm donor Dad Chris. Chris is my BIL and when we talk to her we Refer to Cory as her Dad and when speaking of Chris your Dad Chris. You sperm donor will have to adjust. I dont know why its such a big deal when all that matters is that they are loved and your Boyfriend seems to so he can be Daddy if they want him too.

Karen - posted on 07/07/2010

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Yours situation sounds pretty close to mine (although I had 4 when I met my partner) they refer to their sperm donor as their father - as that what he did - fathered them but refer to my partner as dad - as he is there for the day to day fun things- making breakfast on Sunday, teaching them to ride a bike, surf and all the boring bits like homework, discipline etc....
I think that if your children have chosen to call your boyfriend dad don't stop them, they have obviously learned what a dad is and have decided he fits the role better than the donor!!
Just my opinion

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16 Comments

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AMBER - posted on 07/10/2010

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i dont see problem with your girls calling your bf daddy. if they want to call him that then let them. i would.

Myloe - posted on 07/07/2010

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My daughter calls both her bio dad and my husband "daddy". I remarried when she was about 4 and my husband treats her as if she was his. Her father is still very involved but I even tried to stop her from calling my husband "daddy" at the beginning - trying to get her to give him a nickname or something so they could still have something special but her father would be called daddy - but she would never stop. But she did come to understand that it hurts her father's feeling to hear it so if she is around him she calls my husband by his name. But at home, as far as we are concerned, she has two "daddies" and there is nothing wrong with that.

Tracy - posted on 07/06/2010

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I went through this 18 years ago, My youngest came up to me he was 5, He asked when you and Mike get married can I call him Daddy? My heart broke, You see their SPERM DONOR left when I was 3 months pregnant with our second ans was married less then a month later. My sons claim my then Very new Boyfriend my now Husband of almost 17 years DAD FATHER etc.. If you meet my husband he would introduce HIS family, I fyou feel that this man IS THE ONE then I see no harm in it. The children obviously love and trust him. Best Wishes Oh and as far as the Sperm Donor I would call police and make a report just in case. but thats up to you I never dealt with that as it's always been just us since Hes been out of the picture except for a check from CSD now and then.

Shannon - posted on 07/05/2010

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The same thing happened to me. I am a step mom and when me and my husband got together their mom didn't want the kids to call me mom and I was the only mom who was taking care of them. So when they would talk to me I had them call me Mommy Shannon. But now that their mom has not been in their lives for 5 years, I am now Mommy. I say let them call him want every is in the heart and not to worry about your ex would say because in their lives he has no say so because he is not their to say anything. They should call your ex daddy because that is all they know.

Jennifer - posted on 07/04/2010

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As long as they know who their real daddy is. Just sit them down and explain to them. I mean if they want to call your boyfriend daddy then it's up to the kids. I don't see nothing wrong with it at all.

Crystal - posted on 07/04/2010

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i dont see the problem and if he doesnt then u shouldnt worry abt it as long as he loves them he is the best thing for them Here is how my family is. blood doesnt make u family love makes u a family I have 3 sister they called my daddy their daddy their sperm donars were not in there lives my daddy raised them as his own my parents met when my sisters was 4, 2,1 they are now 31, 29,28. 2 of my sisters talk to their really daddys now but they will tell u he is their father and they have 5 kids they dont know that papaw is not their real grand father

Sarah - posted on 07/03/2010

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When my ex and I got divorced, my ex looked my now fiance in the eye and said "you are with her now, they are your kids" and then a year later got upset when the boys were calling my fiance Daddy. I tell ex and your "sperm donor" the same thing: Honestly, with all that is wrong in our society, is it so wrong for children to have mutiple paternal influences?" There is never a reason for a true adult to get upset because a child loves another adult. It can only benefit the child, which is what parenting is all about.

Trindy - posted on 07/03/2010

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The sperm donor needs to grow up and pull his head in, the above comment shows he's a jerk. If he wants exclusive rights to that title he needs to earn it.

Lisbeth - posted on 07/03/2010

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I say let your children call him whatever they feel comfortable calling him and if their "real" dad has a problem tell him to be more mature if at all possible and look at it from their point of view.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 07/02/2010

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Im am speaking from experience…my oldest sons father is not around AT ALL…my boyfriend and I have been together for 5years and my son started calling him daddy when he was 4years old (and has been around him sense he was 2)…because he wanted to. The thing is I don’t tell him to say it so he will switch from daddy to his name…I leave it up to him. In your case if their biological father is a father that comes around when its convenient for him then really who is he to say who your children can call daddy???!!! If he comes as much a he truly can, and by the sound of he don’t, but if he did then I too would try and have my children call only him daddy, but I would not force anything on them, because in today’s world you can have more then one daddy, and mommy…nothing wrong with that at all. He really has no say if he’s hardly around.

I hope you find common ground with your “sperm donor” and by the way….That is the same name I gave to my sons “Sperm Donor” I thought I was the only one…LOL

Emmalee - posted on 07/02/2010

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I think it is a different scenerio if the biological father still comes around. Even if it is liek once in a blue moon. I think that it may just confuse the child later on in life. If the father isn't there EVER, never calls, ever ever ever like for years that is different. I definitly understand you don't want to tell your daughter to not call him daddy when that is what she WANTS to do, because right now she probably doesn't realize who her real daddy is when she does ever see him. I don't know. My judgement might be tainted because my sister used to have my neice call all her new boyfriends daddy.. When her real dad had a constant involvment in her lfie. . Sorry if i didn't help at all.

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