Always the bad guy

Tracey - posted on 01/14/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

7

15

0

My situtaion is this, I have a stepson who is married and expecting their first child.



I introduced these two becasue I knew it would be a great match, however, I did not know it would turn out to be more of a pain in my side then joy. She will tell people they met online, ummm I thought I introduced them, she is all about her family, and really has no regard for his. She acts like this really sweet girl, but it is far from her real self. On our anniversary, we recieved not even a card, but she takes her parents top dinner and has a big to do for them. They are now expecting their first child and we have been totally left out of all the joy of a first time grandparents. I was not asked if I would like to help with the shower, and all I hear about is how wonderful her family is. I know I should let it go, but it really does hurt my husband. His son should really step up and put his foot down with her, but he is impressed with the parents money. I end up saying something to her, and then I get flack for it. I give. How can I make this a happy situation?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

I am a daughter in law and I have to reply to this. I am sorry that you are upset but here is my input as a daughter in law.
1) you're angry because she tells people they met online, and not by you. She might have a good reason for this, she might be embarrassed that she couldn't find her own man.
2) she is all about her family? well they ARE her family, they raised her. Even though you are now family through marriage, she does not know you as well as her own family.
3) You are angry that she buys her family lavish dinners for their anniversary, and she didn't even get you a card...yes, SHE bought HER family an anniversary gift..she is showing her parents she is happy they love each other and are still together. maybe you're step-son is the one who should have bought you an anniversary gift...I don't see why she should get you a gift, that is your stepsons responsibility.
4) you were not asked to help with the shower...This one hits home with me as well, my own MIL wanted to help and was mad I didn't allow her. The baby is not born yet. the shower is for the baby, yes, but it is also for the pregnant woman. She probably wasn't comfortable having you help out...I didn't want my MIL to help out, because I just wanted my closest female friends there..in a sense its kind of the last party in your honor where you can have fun with the girlfriends...after that you become a mommy and you wont get together with your friends the same way as before becoming a mom. This one probably wasn't to hurt you, it was probably she just wanted those who were closest to her.
5) your stepson should NOT put his foot down, he is an adult and in his own family now..he has to stand by his wife.

I am sorry you are so hurt and you are right that it is not fair but being a new mom is very stressful. A new mother is trying to figure out everything on her own, and she will go to her own family over her in laws because they were the ones who raised her.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

9 Comments

View replies by

Sally - posted on 03/13/2011

9

0

0

I have to way in on this too! I am a DIL and I am sooo over this kind of stuff! My husband is the "baby" boy. He can do NO wrong. HE is the one that doesn't have an interest in doing things with his family. If I suggest something "lets go over to your Mom's or lets do something w/ your Dad and Stepmom"...he NEVER wants to....BUT if we don't come to something it is MY fault, I am a stay at home Mom with THREE girls and I take care of his son every other weekend FULLY! My husband more or less controls our his paycheck. So, I'll say "It is your stepmom's bday this weekend. What do you want me to get her"....he'll respond "we don't have the money to be doing anything...maybe a card or something" BUT he'll go spend his extra money on golf, beer, something for HIMSELF. Now, I watch children one or two days a week...so lets say I'll have $30 or $40 to spend for myself, so when my parents bday comes I will use that to buy them something decent...and then my inlaws complain too, "oh, she can buy things for her family"...WTH??? They blame me for him and his ridiculous behavior when it is HIM! They need to check their son, just like all these other Mother in Laws that blame the DILs!! The MILs don't hear the sons/stepsons when they aren't around. They will tell their Moms/Stepmoms what they want to hear and make the wives look like the bad guy! Then it drives tension from the DIL and thats why we do the things we do...my experience anyway

Diana - posted on 12/29/2010

9

14

1

I agree with this:
3) You are angry that she buys her family lavish dinners for their anniversary, and she didn't even get you a card...yes, SHE bought HER family an anniversary gift..she is showing her parents she is happy they love each other and are still together. maybe you're step-son is the one who should have bought you an anniversary gift...I don't see why she should get you a gift, that is your stepsons responsibility.
posted by Sandra R (below)

I am a DIL and Yes I send out greeting cards for holidays and birthday cards and updated pictures of my sons to my family and friends and even to some of my in laws as well BUT if there has ever been a time when I did not send a picture or birthday card to any of my in laws and my husband or any of them are upset I just say to him and them he (my hubby) has access to all pictures of our kids and is very much capable of shopping for a card; I place accountability on him. Clearly he is not sending my family anything if he's not doing so for his own! Difference is my mother isn't calling her SIL complaing to him about this.
She would never do this - not while I'm alive and well. it falls on me to keep the relationship going with my family same way it does with him to keep with his.
Hope this makes sense and is of help to you.

Heather - posted on 08/26/2010

13

32

0

I'm sorry to those MILs who have awful DIL. Mine is the other way around. My MIL likes to tell me how I am doing things wrong with my son, and that I am paranoid and neurotic. I complain to my husband about this and he joins in the name calling, and doesn't stick up for me. Even when we went to a marriage counselor and he told the hubby to tell his mother to shut the 'f' up, (exact words) he still didn't. She is ruining our marriage and my husband is letting her. Due to this I finally got on to her after I voiced concern about my Son (he was screaming and refusing to eat. Come to find out it was due to his acid reflux.. ie he was in pain) and all she could tell me is how I was paranoid. That showed me what little concern she has for her grandson. She lost a month of his life because she had to act like this. Though I have never told her that she could not see him I was very tempted to. I am tired of putting myself in a stressful situation and having it affect my Son to make her happy when she is an adult and she should just learn to keep her mouth shut. He is my Son and I am the one raising him. Oh and when I told her that she said that I only saw my son as a possession. My husband feeds off of this and will tell me the same. He is so unsupportive that I am beyond ready to end or marriage (after only 8 months, though we have been together for over 4 yrs) and move back home with my family. Which happens to be 600 miles from here. I don't want to take my son from his father, but I can't take this anymore. I am so unhappy. Any suggestions???

[deleted account]

Being a mom of 4 adult son's you get used to it, a son will leave his parents and cleave to his wife, the way it's suppose to be, and a daughter is a daughter for life and her family is her's so don't let it eat at you, if you want more contact call and let them and suggest you want to do dinner at their place and offer to bring something, and do it often if you want that kind of contact, but don't expect your stepson to as you said put his foot down, it is not gonna happen not in your lifetime.
And if your not asked to fork over money for a shower be glad you'll spend plenty on your new grandchild when it gets here believe me, offer to babysit believe me they will want you too visit when they have a few sleepless nights and want a break and will get you a diaper bag ready in a hurry lol, but remember this is your stepsons wife and she is his family and all the complaining is not gonna change it, it will just make you feel more angery and left out, sons are different than daughters or so I hear, but I understand your feelings.
Good luck.

Tracey - posted on 01/20/2010

7

15

0

Crazy isn't it. The thing that bothers me the most is he is my step son, and it was made very clear on Mothers Day, they called to say that my step son was pretty tired (he was working third shift) and I understood, right up to the point of seeing pictures posted of them at the club with her mom and family. Oh did I mention I work with my Step Daughter in law?. She placed a generic card and a plant on my desk. What was I suppose to do? I really do try to be nice and grateful, but I am almost over it. I have tried, and I am tired of trying to always make her do the right thing. I know her parents think I am this huge bully, and I feel like one. I love that I can come on here and let it out, I feel better, and seeing others going through the same is reassuring in some weird way. Funny its all the boy's that are not putting their foot down with their wives!

Eva - posted on 01/20/2010

12

24

1

Hi Tracy, Girl I felt like i was reading my own story. Your daughter in law sounds just like mine. I mean right down to the letter. Only difference is that we have more money than her family does, lol, and that is when she is kind of nice to me, when she wants or needs something. The way i handle the cituation is that i kill her and her family with over kindness. When she is being a turd to me, I act like I just missed that and go on being sickening sweet to her. Hard to be a turd when someone is being oh so kind to you. As far as my son stepping up, well, let's just say she has him under control alot better than I ever did when I was raising him. That's the only advise i could offer you, I wish I had more for both of us.

Susan - posted on 01/18/2010

5

4

1

I wish I knew, and could offer a great answer. but, I, too, am living with the daughter-in-law from hades. at least we can commiserate. here's my quick story: she became pregnant after one month dating my son. When they decided to move in together we rented them a home in a beautiful suburban neighborhood. We were invited over, ummm, never. Her parents (who live 90 minutes away) stayed quite regularly. She had the baby (a girl) with her family in the room, while I babysat her niece in the waiting room (OK, so she didn't really know me). After a few months of never being allowed over, of not being allowed to hold the baby, etc. I spoke with my son, and for a little while things were better. Since then (the baby is now 4) we only see the baby (child #1) when my son calls and says "I know you want to spend time with your granddaughter, can you babysit?" then I must pick her up and he, only he, comes to get her afterwards. (btw: notice that my son calls, and only he comes to pick her up. SHE can't be bothered to call, return calls, and even didn't tell us when she got a new phone and switched numbers!) I don't pick the length of time she stays, they do, as there are so many activities, and they must get to HER parent's house for this or that. when they do visit with my family (only for special events, such as the odd birthday or two...they ignored my Dad's 88th this year) they refuse to eat the food (she's a germophobe) that's prepared, unless she prepares it. Next, Christmas: never with our family, all traditions shot to .... on our side, but then, and SHE reminds us, she has 48 family members (although she's only one of two children). So, never christmas with that grandchild. This past year, my Mother has been quite ill and I and my daughter (who works 4 part-time jobs) were the primary caregivers (we're talking 24x7 here, literally). SHE, who cooks for people, offered to cook some meals for my parents. She made 2, and they paid her for them! 'I'm so sorry I couldn't help more, but I am pregnant"...yes, she was pregnant again. when I asked if they could babysit another granddaughter (my daughter's child, who lives with us as my son-in-law is in the Navy), one day, so I could go look at nursing facilities for my Mother, my son said they could give a few hours, and SHE thought my daughter should have asked. OK. in conversation re: holidays, my son informed me that they were doing T-day with her parents, that they were alternating with families. In Dec we put my Mother in a facility, Daddy is still living at home, I am dealing with Drs, attorneys (for Dad's VA benefits), Dad's newly acquired weirdness (they've been married 64 years so I guess it's to be expected, but he's not acting like my Dad), Mother's increasing agitation and dementia, my siblings' phone calls and absence from the scene, my household, my inability to find a job due to Mother etc etc etc. So, of course, I'm greatly looking forward to Christmas with my family. guess what: "she wants to spend christmas with her Mom (who's Father died three years ago at christmas) to support her and she's pregnant, so she needs her Mother". Wow. We were invited over to his house for the Sunday following Christmas ('it's just a day, Mom' which he knows isn't true, and if it is it works both ways...tell her Mother that). Then they began baby watch, with HER parents up here living with them for a week. So, 10 jan she was born at 5 AM. We were told that as soon as she was in a room we could come by. At 9:30 we were told she was too tired and couldn't have 'visitors' so could we wait a few hours. At noon were were told between 1230 and 1 was good. At 1245 we arrived, and discovered her family had spent the morning there, they returned at 1. We left and her Mother's response was "I hope we're not driving you away"...really...Mom and Baby#2 went home the following day, where HER parents stayed to help out. I was invited over for 1 hour on Tuesday, and her parents 'to give Emma (my nickname) bonding time with baby#2' took child #1 (the 4 year old) shopping. I walked in, and after 1/2 hour finally had to ask to hold the baby. I got three minutes (count 'em). No other invites, but my son called and said he was off this week and I could come over any time. HER parents finally left Saturday (after 2 weeks!). Yesterday my husband and I called to see if we could come by see both girls (we haven't seen child #1 since...the beginning of December when my MOther finally went into a home) and guess what: NO! They were too tired from having her parents and wanted to wait before any 'visitors' came by. We're the girls' grandparents for gosh sake! not 'visitors'. If I always expected to be entertained, I might understand, but I don't, the few times I'm there I take care of myself. My daughter was told not to come by (she's yet to see her niece). My son hasn't bothered to come by and pick up the baby rocker I re-upholstered (he has a car big enough to get it). I am so ashamed of my son, for not stepping up and telling her that his family counts, too. And I'm ashamed that I RAISED HIM, especially if he doesn't stand up to her because he doesn't feel that his family counts. I could go on about how I'm not supposed to do this and that (acc'd to my son, as he passes along her demands one of which is to be myself with her like I am with my other children....here's logic: be myself but don't do xyz). but I'll stop and say : how do I respond to this? He obviously wishes he was born in a cabbage patch, without family connections, as does SHE. I'm so tired of being hurt by them in the past 5 years, that I'm done. If I can't have a relationship with my grandchildren, then so be it. My son and his wife have done this, and my only prayer is that they will some day come to see their selfishness. I hope it is before it's too late.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms