Having some issues with my mother in law, it seems to never end. Any advice?

Louise - posted on 05/07/2012

My mother in law started off like this but as the years melted away she has mellowed and now we are good friends. As a mum of two adult sons it is really hard to accept another female into your life. I have tred really hard with my sons girlfriends and now my eldest son is moving in with his long term girlfriend I have tried to be supportive as much as I can. It sounds to me that your mother in law thinks your not good enough for her son. This is not going to change unless you make it change. She must of realised by now that a 13 year relationship is a strong one. Your children will notice mine did but it did not bother them. They accepted it for what it was. Now the grandchildren on both sides are adults they take the piss out of each other for how spoilt one set were to mine. It has had no lasting affects.

My advice to you is carry on doing what you are doing, be sociable when you have to be and leave it at that. Just bite your tongue and make her look stupid. You and your husband knows the truth nothing else matters.

AOE - posted on 05/03/2012

Wow! Its amazing how many of us are in the same boat with m.i.l. Thanks for the advice. My children love her so my relationship with her has no effect on them, but that's grandma spoiling them. I'm sure later on they will see the big picture when they are both older. For now, my husband has fallen for the manipulation and she is getting to get our daughter Friday's after school to spend some "quality" time with her. School is almost out and I feel my daughter is old enough to tell me about her time there. As for my son, he is too little for me to consider leaving him alone with her. I just don't trust her to watch him. After the first Friday, my daughter came home and layed on the couch most of the evening complaining that her stomach hurt. I guess a large Icee, a lolipop, and whatever else my m.i.l. let her have shows what kind of care she is getting from her. We shall see what this Friday brings. Only 4 more weeks of school then I don't have to worry about it anymore. Plus another grandchild on the way from other son so we shall soon be forgotten again!

Corinne - posted on 04/21/2012

I think after 13 yrs, you know how the land lies with this woman. She is never going to change and saying it will if you would just leave the kids with her, is monkey nuts, it's manipulation plain and simple. As for favouring the other grandchild, let her; just don't have your kids around at the same time as it will really hurt them to see it. As long as you and your man remain together on this and he understands and supports you, you'll be fine.
My little family now has no contact with my husbands mother, step father and gran, as she was very much the same as your M.I.L. I was never accepted, I was told I was uneducated as I didn't have a degree, my career as a dancer was poo-pooed as it wasn't academic, everything I said was quietly shot down. Then, she started with the little digs. 'You do know how safe your birth control is, don't you?', 'Oh good, no more little whoopsies then', ' you got pregnant quick, didn't you?' she even accused me of 'snaring' her son by 'getting' pregnant. I told my husband about these comments, to which he would say 'ignore her, she'll get bored eventually'. Well, she did. That's when she started calling and texting him to say stuff about me (couldn't tell you 'what', as he's never told me). He kept it from me for months, all the while asking other family members about events and things I've said etc. Then, one morning last year, he told me what had been going on. I was stunned, literally. He spoke to his mum that day and has never spoken to her since, she doesn't want anything more to do with us. We only put up with it for 7 years, I don't know how you've lasted this long. I've had 'fan mail' from his gran, accusing me of setting it all up so I could have my husband and kids all to myself?! Apparently, I've been telling him what to do and say with regard to his mum and it's not my place. Erm... Yeah, we're much happier without their negativity and stirring. You are the better person here, as you are still trying to keep the relationship going for the kids. I really hope things get better for you.

Véronique - posted on 04/21/2012

I know exactly how you feel, my boyfriends mother is one of those sneaky mean people, that wont be directly hostile towards anyone but says things behind your back kind of thing (unless its to her children which she can be very very harsh with my boyfriend to his face), only difference is she says things about me to her children, 2 of which are young enough to be influenced by their mother, so in turn act snobbish when around their mother; and her oldest son, that has had"unwanted girlfriends" in the past but is now dating a very very sweet girl thats about to become a doctor, needless to say his mother adores her. While all the while she has "banned" me from their home. But now she thinks she has a right to have my son at their home whenever she pleases and actually made my boyfriend feel like he had done something wrong which caused this stupid rift between all of us, We've decided she can see our son when WE choose, around twice a month opposed to every few days as I feel its healthier for our son to not be around her negativity.
If I were you especially if your daughter is old enough to notice that her grandmother favors her other grandchild, I would let her visit with them but sparingly and only when the other grandchild isnt around (unless its a family function in which case I would only stay for a short period of time, or leave immediately if she does start that behaviour). I would also try and sit down with his mother and explain to her that you understand that she has her own separate mystery issues with you, but that if she continues to let it affect her relationship with your children, that eventually they will be old enough to see that and it will hurt your children. and if she refuses to see any fault in herself I would simply tell her, thats fine but you cant knowingly let them be put in a situation where they will feel like they're second-string.
Its sad and obviously its not the first choice in a perfect world, but unfortunately any negativity or hostility she has towards you will inevitably filter thru to your children, and thats not healthy.