Son & Daughter-in-Law live with me b/c of inability to financial support themselves w/4 month old baby. How do I get them to understand that they are not guests in my house and they need to contribute to the overall chores if they are going to live there? I'm getting push back and my son reports

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Millie - posted on 02/02/2009

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Hi Mel, I think one of the "mistakes" families make when they chose/have to live together for awhile, is that they don't all sit down together and agree on what is going to be "shared chores" and "shared responsibilities" as far as contributing to the one combined household. We think that because of being "family" that everyone will pitch in and help. Today, more than ever before, families are having to live together for awhile for different reasons. The economy has a huge play in this. You didn't say how long your son and family have been with you. I would sit them down and say, "Look, we agreed to let you all live here "temperarily", but we need to ALL pitch in and help. I cannot/will not do everything. We re NOT a motel or a place where I am going to do all of the work and pay for everything"!. I don't know you, but I would assume you wouldn't let a stranger move in without contributing to the financial aspect of the household. You would charge thema reasonable amount for room and board. NO ONE should "free load" on Mom and Dad just because they are in need of help right now. Do this before it's too late and you are totally angry with your son and daughter-in-law. We recently had a financial crisis of our own and had to move to Ok. We lived with our daughter and family for 2 months. We weren't able to give money to them, BUT, I took care of the kitchen and did their laundry every week, helped with the little guys, and sat for them when the need arose, cleaned the house, did tons of baking for the Holidays,etc. There are many things your son and wife can do to help out without having to pay money for their room and board. For some reason, we have a difficult time letting our children know the rules and the need for help while they are living with us. My youngest son has lived with us for several years and he is such a blessing to us. He helps by buying groceries almost every week, does most of the evening cooking for us. GET brave and face this issue head on, before it becomes a dividing issue. You also didn't say how old your son and daughter-in-law are. Are they 20's? Are they just starting out together? Or, are they older and married for seveal years? My heart goes out to you. Good Luck!

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Mardi - posted on 10/07/2012

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She may not be a house B****, but then neither are you. Your not asking her to clean up after you, just herself and her family while she is home.



I shared with the inlaws for 3months awaiting our house settlement, and it nearly ended our marriage.......it ended a few years later anyway but thats another story.



They either chip in or they move out.....you are no-bodys house B****

April - posted on 10/02/2012

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Denise, it seems your son has no respect for you by taking up for her and saying that she is not the house B****. They are taking advantage of you and you are enabling them. I would have someone with you that can handle any altercations when you talk to them and I would just tell them that it isn't working out and they have to go.

Thomas - posted on 09/26/2012

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When you do have your discussion try hard to remain calm, stick to the facts, don't speak from emotion and try not to yell. Good luck.

Denise - posted on 08/22/2012

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Mel, I can understand how you feel and don't know which way to twist and turn. My son lives with me, his wife and 2 boys, ages 6 and 1. My daughter in law does not work but told my son to tell me she is not the house B---tch.....I am about to be 61 years old and work full time with an attorney. I have a 4 bedroom house well they have taken 3 of the bedrooms including the main bedroom with its own bathroom, which was fine with me. She puts things wherever she wants to put them and sits and basically does nothing all day. She complains about her neck her back her this and her that. If my son wants to deal with that that is his business I don't get in the middle of that stuff....but she just does what she wants with my house goes in my bedroom and stores stuff in there when she wants had her mother put something in my bedroom while I was standing right there. I keep my mouth shut so I don't start an arguement. However, for the past 2 months she has been opening my electric bill.....we split all bills in half which is not fair to me...I know at least they split...but she wants all this control then they better put their money where their mouth is because this week if my electric bill is opened I am going to let someone know about themself. So all in a nut shell I guess we just have to do our best as to sit and try to have a family discussion with these kids and pray for the best. Now my son is one who takes the defensive quick so It should be a nightmare.....but all I can suggest is try to talk to them.......let me know and if you have suggestions for me all opinions are appreciated. I have worked hard to keep my house and to let this 29 year old women come in and take over I don't think so. Too many tears shed to keep the house and still paying a mortgage.

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First make them Pony up rent even if it is only $20 a week.. if you don't they will not want to leave.
Divy up household chores you are not a motel 6..
I say this as I have had DIL's live here for short stays with my son's their husbands before getting their places.
You will be housekeeper, cook and bottle washer if you allow it..
You will not be asking anymore than they would expect if you stayed at their home for an extended visit right?
My husband and I had our house on the market it sold in less than a week , our new house was not even in the process yet and the buyers want our old house in 60 days, we asked our son and his wife if they would consider if we could stay in their home, they talked it over and said sure.
We help pay thr difference with ALL the utilities and paid for half the food, I also helped with my grandchildren and did house work, it would have been a very akward situation if we mooched,
Your Son and Daughter inlaw need to chip in, can he push a mower, can she mop a floor, vacuum a floor maybe not the exact way you would but they can learn real quick, you raised your son correct? now teach them both pride in doing a job well done.
If you do not it will make your blood boil everytime you are doing ALL the work, with one ex daughter inlaw I have been in your shoes, but I had to change, they were more than happy to watch the maid (me) do the work.
They were both good kids, I just had to make them be adults.
Life is not a free lunch,k and you as much as you think they may run away w/ your grandchild to live in a car or on the street, believe me they won't.
Be the person who takes control back.
Best of luck, Candice

Mary - posted on 10/28/2009

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Ok i have a good one for you my son and his wife and there 3 kids live with me and my husband and our 3 big dogs, the only way i get my daughter in law to do anything around the house is yell and hollar and scream at them. She is a internet junkie and wants to spend her time sitting on Facebook and Myspace and the kids are all over the place doing all kinds of things. After weeks of this with me yelling and trying to talk to her and make her see that she can't sit on the internet and that SHE has to take care of HER kids my husband had to step up and get on her and now it seems to be better.



It makes her mad when i get on the internet and she can't and i tell her that i have no kids to take care of and that is why i can do it, i tell her to get the kids down for a nap and then she can get on but the kids sleep at different times. When the lady down the street found my grandson in the middle of the road and brought him to the house that really upset me cause they were sleeping, now they have a lock on there bedroom door so the 2 year old can't get out without them hearing him. Life is fun here at my house and the only rules i have is TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS first and formost and clean up after yourselves. Believe me when i say i do alot of PRAYING for strength.



I sometimes wonder how she was raised but then again i can't blame it all on her and i know how my son was raised and it wasn't to disrespect me and my husband and our house and the offer to help them. He does work but she calls him all day long i just don't know how she is going to make it after they leave her she don't have a clue!

Mel - posted on 05/13/2009

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Well, things seriously melted down. I started getting accused of lying, the 2 of them went to fighting nearly EVERY night and still nothing getting done around the house even though there had been numerous agreements and reminders. The only request I made was that they clean up after themselves. It got to the point, I wasn't going home. However, as most things do, an end came. My room was ransacked for a shirt I didn't have but since I was not believed and accused of being a liar, my room was destroyed. I presented them with a 30-day notice to vacate and at the end of 30 days, my son left with a bang. Throwing a temper tantrum, shattering my windsheild and getting arrested. They have been out of my house since March 30th and living separately elsewhere. Thankfully, I am getting full nights sleep again and the filth is gone.



By the way, these 2 are only 19 & 20; way over their heads in responsibility and chaotically dealing with life. The little guy is now 7 months old, happy and enjoying mastering crawling and cutting teeth.

Verna - posted on 05/13/2009

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Quoting Mel:

Son & Daughter-in-Law live with me b/c of inability to financial support themselves w/4 month old baby. How do I get them to understand that they are not guests in my house and they need to contribute to the overall chores if they are going to live there? I'm getting push back and my son reports




Hi Melody;



My husband were just in the same boat as you and your hubby.  It all started because my son wanted to come home from NY to Canada.  We arranged to rent a truck from here and go get them and some of their belongings.  They knew that we lived in a 2 bedroom town house, that was not big enough for all 5 of us, for very long.  We all agreed to rent a house with an in-law apartment or close to it.  We found this 3500 sq ft house, that has two full baths, 2 kitchens.  The top floor has three bedrooms, one has the laundry in it to.  We have a curved wooden staircase that seperated the two areas.  The downstairs is just 2 bedrooms, a wall to wall brick wood burning fireplace, a family room, dining room.  A medium sized ktchen with a dishwasher (built in).  However they loved to argue, Tiffany was doing a lot of crying,  The noise was getting to the two of us.  When we first agreed to take this place, the agreement was to split the rent, the utilities, and the outside chores between the four of us.  It  soon evident that the outside chores were not going to be shared., unless I asked my son for help, for either me or my hubby.  Then they started to say the they could not pay all the rent for that month, then the utilities etc.  Just after christmas my husband informed me that we went through 6 grand, and could no longer afford to pay for 5 people. Work for him was slowing down quite a bit.  Our only solution we to get the kids ourt of here and on their own.  That is exactly what we did.  We have my sister-in-law and her hubby living in the space downstairs now.  They both work, and I am at home all day long.

Debbie - posted on 03/11/2009

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Sounds like a time for a family meeting. Don't talk with just you son, your daughter in law is part of te family too. I agree allocating chores out my help - when I had a grown son come home with his signficant other I found that their idea of cleaning up was not mine. Definitely communicate or there willbe hard feelings.

Nonna (Jamie) - posted on 02/08/2009

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I would give them a time limit to stay with you.  Say 3 months....  In addition I would assign household duties, alternate cooking etc. whilel they are with you.  Just a thought.

Mel - posted on 01/28/2009

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Quoting Mel:

Son & Daughter-in-Law live with me b/c of inability to financial support themselves w/4 month old baby. How do I get them to understand that they are not guests in my house and they need to contribute to the overall chores if they are going to live there? I'm getting push back and my son reports that she does do stuff around the house, although I've seen no evidence of such and she is in bed until noon or later.



 

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