What if I don't Like my Son -in -Law?

Raelynn - posted on 03/06/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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OK, Before they got married he didn't treat her well. Now that they are married they are so immature- both 21 and 2 weeks after they got married his sister moved in and she is nothing but trouble.
He thought my daughter would start cleaning when they got married (huge fight)- they have no money and spend there money very stupidly and this latest thing ...
Registration was due on the car in DEC and they still didn't pay it and she told me and we told her park the car and we will take them and they can go pay it and change the broken headlight for them and she was to tired today to do it.
Oh and they spent all their tax money... I got mad maybe I should just shut up and let them live their life. But I see them hitting a wall. He is a real Eddie Haskel. What is a MOM to do. just sit there? No children in the picture
need help from some experience mother-in laws

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

MYOB yes! it is hard to do, but they are adults maybe not the ones you want them to be, but I have been a MIL for 14 years, and you daughter and son in law have to make it or not, if you try to "help" they will blame you if you give advise and it backfires..
Good luck

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Linda - posted on 10/26/2009

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I know where you are at. Been there!! Unfortunately, they are still your children no matter how old they are, especially when there are grandchildren in the picture. The hardest thing to do is say I don't have it now. Amazing how they can find the money when they have to...

Elaine - posted on 10/12/2009

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I promised to not be an interfering mother in law. My sister does not have contact with her son due to his second wife. They adopted a child which she never sees. HOW SAD! My relationship with my two boys is very strong and I would die if I lost that with either one of them. My oldest divorced with two children is in the Reserves, came home on leave and got married (big family wedding next year he said) I was not sure how to take this but bit my tongue and now glad I did. The change in my son was immediate. He sounds happy, he looks happy, he is happy!! May it stay that way? Only time will tell. BUT that is not my problem. It is theirs. I love my son but I dont live his life nor do I have to live with them so although he IS MY SON, he is an ADULT and I must respect his decisions as to what is best for him. My job ended when my 2 boys each turned 18 and I have nearly bit my tongue off living up to that. I didnt want to be like my mother and other mothers who always tell their kids what to do. I raised them to think for themselves so now I must let them.

My second son just got married for the first time at age 30 and 11 months. He said he wanted to wait....For the right one, Until he knew where he was going, Until he could afford a wife and eventual family. NOW, thats a kid who was thinking for himself.

TUFF LOVE it works!

Oh, and my grandkids. They live with their mother and she and I have always gotten along, Love her like a daughter so divorce was rough for me. She and my son are together on decisions about the kids and they try to keep things happy for them. Both parents take extreem interest in the kids. I can see them whenever I want and she told me she does not want that to change.....EVER! I am very very fortunate.

I told my boys before they got married that if I did not like their spouses, neither they or the spouse would know. I will never voice that~lucky I like their choices.

Remember Its their life, their choice. If they are not happy then THEY have to decide whether to accept it or change it! NOT US! I dont even ask questions. I tell them to come to me if they want to, I will listen. Advise must be asked for. Sorry I am so long winded.

Christi - posted on 09/16/2009

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You have to love them. My one daughter-in-law ground me from the beginning, but now we have a good relationship. Of course we all know the bad examples that don't change, but she will have to find that out herself. If you convince her she may end up hating you instead of relying on you.

Cindy - posted on 08/13/2009

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I have to agree, tough love is the only way to go or it will get worse! They will expect you to bail them out every time. It is much harder when children are involved though. I never liked my son-in-law, He was controling, and what I consider to be verbally abusive to my daughter and grandkids. BUT I treated him with respect and just like my son for 10 years, until he left my daughter preganant with their 5th child for an 18 year old still in High School! I no longer talk to him or have anything to do with him! I do not talk bad about him. I cut out pictures in the newspaper (we live in a small town and he plays sports and hunts) for my grandkids, because no matter how much I don't like it, he is still their father. :( Good luck!

Karen - posted on 05/02/2009

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Yes, yes, yes. Let them hit the wall. Do not bail them out. Let them not have a car, but don't take them places, otherwise why should they do any different than they always have. The hardest part of being a grow up is growing up. Age doesn't make you a grown up, making hard choices does.

Lora - posted on 05/02/2009

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I must agree on all counts here. Let them hit the wall, it's hard but, a nesassary thing. They have to learn. I have 3 grown children. My oldest daughter is turning 31. She has 4 children, hubby is in the Military, they live in Alaska. My son is now 27 just getting married this month to a wonderful girl with 3 children. They live in Wyo. My youngest daughter has 2 boys, just got married in Oct, moved about 150 miles away, going to school, hubby is going to school and in the NG. I'm very proud of them. They still tug at my heart but, they are all 3 doing wonderful.

So in short, yes, let them bail themselves out. That is the only way to learn.

[deleted account]

I agree with Debbie - let them hit that wall! It's HARD to, but do it! It's the only way they will ever grow up or change. My daughter and son in law waited 6 months to pay the registration on her car, last year, so she was stuck at home with the two children (2 and 9 mos) and a car she couldn't drive, but he went out and bought a new shotgun during the same time period. Don't even get me started on the guns!
My daughter still doesn't clean, and I hate to see the mess my grandkids live in. She makes excuses for everything, and whines about what she hasn't got! She thinks life is unfair because they can't afford to buy a house, yet.
On the other hand, they are now a ripe old 24 years old, and we've seen some progress. He went for a better job, and got it. They bought a van, because she's pregnant again. They are actually trying to teach the children things, now, instead of acting like they are little dolls for their entertainment. Someone (not me!) must have told them that it ain't so cute when a 3 year old can't say any words, yet. They no longer keep a pony beer keg in the kitchen of their apartment, wrapped in the quilt I gave them, to keep it cool!
Grown kids can make you crazy, but if you want to do something that will produce growth in your child, the only effective thing is to keep some distance, and let them experience the consequences of their own actions.

Debbie - posted on 03/11/2009

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Best thing to let them go and hit that wall!! They need to learn to build their own life and make their own mistakes or their mistakes will drive you crazy. Once I finally let go my daughter made her own mistakes but she also learned when she fixed them on her own how proud she was. She also seem to start to value her stuff a lot more when I didn't replace things or buy things she needed. Now seeing her proud makes me a happy Mom and I feel like she will be OK out in the world on her own.

Anita - posted on 03/08/2009

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You have to let her figure it out as long as there is not physical or mental abuse taking place.  If you continue to bail them out of the situations, they will depend on you to do so going forward.  I understand that you don't want your daughter to suffer but by making them make their own way, they will either do it or separate.



You can't be the crutch.  Be there for your daughter, if she needs to talk.  Tough love is the hardest thing but it sounds like this relationship is not a two-way street.  She will figure it out.  Explain to her that you are willing to help them if they help themselves but if not, the financial door is closed.



 

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