why do mother in laws??

Danielle - posted on 03/18/2009 ( 28 moms have responded )

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why is it that mother in laws feel that they still have to be mommy to their sons even though they are married?

why do mother in laws feel that their sons do nothing wrong and their daughter in lwas constantly need someone to watch them to make sure they are being good. how is it their sons will always be babys to them!!!?????

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Marliss - posted on 04/21/2010

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stay away from the MIL and you wont get hurt. Obviously she dont care about her sons feelings either. She will not care about yours either. Im sorry to say dear, just stay away.

Stephanie - posted on 11/27/2009

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I dont know but I have 2 boys and I am not raising any mommy boys because imma have a life when they get older. When mothers treat their sons like that they dont have a life of their own thats all it is

Jennifer - posted on 02/01/2010

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My mother-in-law once told me, you raise your children and anything you get back is a bonus. I can't quite accept that but I am trying not to expect so much. As a daughter-in-law, I made sure that we were always in contact with my in-laws. I was the one to make sure that my husband talked to them on a regular basis. My mom-in-love and I developed a relationship with each other, I didn't want to put my hubby in the middle and you know how guys can screw up messages, and I was afraid he would miscommunicate what I wanted to communicate. hahahaha I could talk to my mil about anything. I know there were some times that I made her very uncomfortable with the questions I'd ask. LOL She passed away on Sept. 17, 2008 at age 88 and I miss her.

As for my dil, in the book The Mother-in-law Dance, there was a comment something like, "all your daughter-in-law owes you is that she loves your son and makes him happy. And she does. I haven't finished the book yet but it has helped.

Elaine - posted on 11/07/2009

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Mother, MIL, neither is an easy place to be especially if there is conflict. When my oldest son got married, I danced with the bride and said, "Today, I give my baby, my son, to you to be your husband, your man. Only one woman can be #1 in a man's life and it is now rightfully you. I relinquist my control as it should be so." "I am now #2 woman in his life and I hope that you and I may get along and you will feel comfortable coming to me if you need to talk. I would like for us to be friends. Just love him and take care of him as I have done. Welcome to the family. He is now divorced but she and I still have a good relationship and having only met his new wife the day before a JP wedding, I am trying to get to know her on the same level. My second son married this year also. So I now have two sons and three daughters.
May we all get along and be loving to each other. PS: My oldest son told his new bride, "I can tell my mom anything. She never judges me." Wow, that made me feel so special as a Mom. I have tried hard not to judge them even though it gets trying at times. I put love and honesty first in the family and I see the tradition being carried on in both my sons. I would like to add a word or two of CAUTION: What YOU THINK IS BEST for your child, may NOT BE! If you instill good morals and values, THEY CAN and WILL choose what is BEST FOR THEM! Trust them. you may be surprised!

Karen - posted on 03/19/2009

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Because you never stop being a mom, or loving and wanting the best for your children.

With that said, she should also learn to let go a bit, and trust you to be good.

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Stephanie - posted on 02/26/2013

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I have 3 children (2 boys and 1 girl ) ages from the oldest to the youngest 12,8,6 from my previous marriage. I have met this great guy and he has 1 son (12) who lives in N.Y. and my tubes are tied altough they can be reversed. He states that he wants one more but he has been married before and did not have any children with her at all. I want one more but at the same time that will make 4 children for me and a big age gap with my other children and he also said that he wants to marry me when my divorce gets final which is soon!!!! we both want to get remarry but I am not so sure about another child its very costly it is 6,900 for everything and he said he is willing to do what it takes so we can have a child together. We do plan on getting married butI am just nervous about havinganother child and all the work will be on me again like my last 3 was so ladies should I give this guy a child or what? Any advice helps!!!

Val - posted on 08/25/2010

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im very lucky my 3 oldest sons have all married and i have wonderful daughter in laws i never take sides i they tell me something i keep it to myself and dont tell theyre grown up and have to work out things for themselves

Marliss - posted on 04/13/2010

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Not all mother in laws are like that. Yes, i do baby my son, but he will always be my son, married or not. IIn what law does it say that once your children get married, they are no longer your children? I baby all my kids, no matter how old they get, they will always call me "MOM"

Leticia - posted on 04/08/2010

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Hi Sherry I dont think so, here is my story, maybe you can shed some light on why my MIL is like this.
I have met alot of mothers of boys even my own MIL and their kids never do anything wrong, it's always the wifes. 2 months after my wedding I found out that my husband cheated on me and conceived a child by someone els during our engagement, my MIL knew about the child (now 16mnths) and never told me. When i confronted her she just said that that it is now her grand child and she'll be the granny no matter how i feel. I know she would have hated me if I ever did something like this to her child. she supports the child financially and take care of the child knowing how it hurt me she just couldnt care less. My husband denies the child and refuse to pay child support cuz he say that the kid is not his, why dont she respect my marriage and listen to my husband.All because the mother of the kid and my MIL goes to the same church.

Sherry - posted on 04/07/2010

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if thats how you are treated ,shame on this person ,but one bit of advice i the parent of four children give freely .a mother holds her childrens hands for a while but their hearts forever,when you as a daugther in law need to take a minute and think ha ,maybe i understand how much she loves her child son 2 or 22 does not change there feelings of love for them and i bet if you both took the time to get to know each other and know that you both love the same person just in different ways there must be some similarties between you and your mother in law.there always are and talk to her about how you are feeling ,and realize its his families up bringing that attracted you to him.better to have a happy family all together than to have resentment because the only person this hurts is the son and it puts him in the middle...imagine how he must feel being stuck with two people he loves most in the world...

Sherry - posted on 02/02/2010

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i would like to ask a question why is that sometimes daughter in laws feel so threatened by the love that moms have for their children whether it be sons or daughters when you have children of your own you will understand that no matter what age your child is you always love them and .because of the upbringing your husband has had that is what has attracted you to him,so try and open your heart and see the positive of this situation,because if he choose you to marry he must love you ,,and she will love you for that same reason ,so think positive and if she does something you dont like pull her aside and speak with her im sure she would appreciate that.

Jennifer - posted on 02/01/2010

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I don't feel like a mommy to my son because he lives in another state and isn't very good at keeping in touch. I am wanting him to be his own person and not calling all of the time but I would love to have the same relationship we had when he was in high school

Jenny - posted on 01/07/2010

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You probably won't understand a mother-in-laws feeling until you become one. I am a mother-in-law to a wonderful daughter-in-law. She is more like a daughter to me. She is an excellent wife and mother to my grandchildren. I could ask for more from her. All mother-in-laws don't act as the one that you are describing. I don't have the attitude that my son never does anything wrong. He is human and he will mess up. I have on occassions given advise to my son and my daughter in law but only when they approach a subject and lead me to the conversation about advise.
Be patient with your mother-in-law. I'm sure that she only wants the best for her son and his family. You also need to be an understanding daughter-in-law. Put yourself in her shoes.
Good luck and I hope that you'll be able to look past these little differences and work through them to keep a happy and good relationship with your in-laws.

Kathi - posted on 01/02/2010

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Dear Danielle, I only have one son and when he married, he married a wonderful girl but I still feel, in many ways, he's still mine. I know this is wrong and that I should leave them alone - and I do. But, in the mean time, remember that it is so very hard to cut those apron strings! If I had had a dozen, I feel it would have been different, but God only blessed me with the one son. I DO NOT criticize his wife, EVER. She's everything a Mother-in-Law could wish for! It's just that he is so very dear to me. I hope this will show you that not all inlaws are bad, they are just begging for a little attention too!
Kathi Stewart

Cheryl - posted on 11/07/2009

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Hi, I know what you mean. My mother was a victim of that, so I've tried desperately not to be like that. I keep out of their way, and even though I only have one son and 3 daughters, I never encroach on their privacy, nor do I judge them. If they want to see us, then they can always pop in or they will invite us over. It doesn't bother me, as they have their own lives and that is the way it should always be, yet I'm here should they need help.
It really depends on the in law that you have chosen... Hee hee, and she should never interfere with what you do, although she may have done things differently. My father always wondered why no-one was good enough for him - I suffered the same thing, so we learn from the way we have been treated. Time may make a difference : )

Cheryl - posted on 11/07/2009

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Quoting Danielle:

why do mother in laws??

why is it that mother in laws feel that they still have to be mommy to their sons even though they are married?
why do mother in laws feel that their sons do nothing wrong and their daughter in lwas constantly need someone to watch them to make sure they are being good. how is it their sons will always be babys to them!!!?????


 

Penny - posted on 11/05/2009

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This is a very complex relationship. My sons have been married a long time now and it has taken work on everyone's part to make all the parties feel loved and comfortable. As a Mother you have to realize that your son's wife comes first. I know I feel proud as a Mother that my boys treat their wives with respect and make them feel like they are #1. This does not mean you do not have a role in their lives anymore, or that your son's do not love their Mom. My son's chose well and I love both my daughter in laws very much. I admire them for the work and love they have given to make their own family the loving crcle it should be. It has not been smooth sailing the whole time, but with work on everyone's part we have developed a loving and caring relationship. I consider both my daughter in laws close friends. They both fill a role of the daughter I never had.

Elaine - posted on 10/12/2009

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Much agree with above comments. You need to talk to your MIL as we are not all interfering MILs but maybe if we overstep our bounds, we need a gentle reminder. My mother was nasty to me about how I raised my boys all wrong. We fought for years until I calmly said, "I am sorry you are so disappointed in your grandsons" I'm not was her reply. Then maybe what I am doing although not your way,,it is the right way for my boys. Is it not the outcome rather than they method of getting there that matters?

Well. she said, I never thought of it that way. She no longer found fault with my way.

Perhaps your MIL never thought of it from your point of view. Maybe you need to sit down and calmly tell her that you are hurt that she thinks you do not have her sons interests at heart. Ask her why she feels that way and tell her that you want to be able to get along.

Bobi - posted on 09/15/2009

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Developing a relationship with an in-law is sometimes difficult. Especially when the two persons in question are very much alike. Your husband fell in love with you because you had characteristics that appealed to him. As unpleasant as it may sometimes be to realize, those characteristics are a direct link to his mother. You may have similar interests, similar manners, similar looks.



Your mother-in-law wants to be a part of your life...that "family of your own" you speak of is her family too. Try to see her side for a little while and make an effort to have a conversation with her, go shopping, whatever. And, most importantly, remember that you are a part of her family, too.

Christina - posted on 09/14/2009

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My mother-in-law only has 2 sons and she often tells me I am the daughter she never had. We get along great most times. She does sometimes get too motherly with her son (and he gets irritated, but he won't say anything so I have to hear it).

Freda - posted on 08/29/2009

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Quoting Danielle:

why do mother in laws??

why is it that mother in laws feel that they still have to be mommy to their sons even though they are married?
why do mother in laws feel that their sons do nothing wrong and their daughter in lwas constantly need someone to watch them to make sure they are being good. how is it their sons will always be babys to them!!!?????



Not all Mothers-In-Laws are like that. I have a very good relationship with both of my daughters-in-laws. Both of them love my sons as much as I do. I am proud that I now have them as my daughters. I enjoy being a part of their lives but I know when to step aside. My daughter-in-law that lives close to me and I go shopping, to the hair-dresser, and get our nails done together. And whatever else we decide to do. Whenever my daughter is home (she is overseas), the three of us are most times seen in each others company having a wonderful time.

Cindy - posted on 08/13/2009

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I am NOT like that! I get on my son if I feel he is being disrespectful to his wife. She laughs and tells me her mom does the same to her. I don't feel like he is my baby but my grown adult son. I don't give my daughter-in-law advice, or tell her how to do things. She comes to me sometimes for recipes and she asked me to help with their wedding, her own mother didn't help much because she worked full time. I love being close to my daughter-in-law and I will not interfere in their lives. Maybe if you talk to her and tell her how you feel with "I" statements and not, "You" statements, such as.. you do this, but "I" feel like this when this happens. It does work. Good luck!

Lora - posted on 05/02/2009

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I agree, you always love your kids, no matter how old they are. Sometimes, I have a hard time keeping my big mouth shut but, I keep trying and hopefully I'm learning. Sometimes you have to confront MIL and let them know how you feel. I hope my SIL and soon to be DIL will do this. The way I look at this is, we are all one family and I really hope they feel the same. Good luck!

April - posted on 04/29/2009

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In my case, I had hoped to stay close to my son and build a close friendship with my daughter-in-law. I love them both very much. My son would always tell me if I was getting in their space, or said something that bothered my daughter-in-law so that I could apologize to her and make sure I didn't do that again. The conversation can be brought up very nicely and without hard feelings. I just had a hard time that she didn't tell me the problem but she is shy. My son is not a saint and I don't have a problem telling him so. You need to be friendly to you mother-in-law and speak up. If you don't feel comfortable telling her the problem then have your husband do it but do it nicely with no anger. Expect her to come to you if you choose option 2, whether to apologize or confront depending on her personality. The best choice is for you and your husband to tell her the problem-without anger. Good Luck

Linda - posted on 03/28/2009

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Not all of still treat our grown sons like that. But some parents have a problem moving on to the next chapter in there life...having grown kids finding there own way with there family. My advice to you is, have your husband( there son) tell them your concerns. It has to come from him. It will get better in time  if he sets them streight. And hopefully all of you can get on to a better understanding for a really great future of happy events. I had this happen to me too. And I will always remember how it felt, and it took many years to get beyond the problems, since my husband didn't say anything to them. I felt like I had to fight the battles by myself as they came up.   Some day you too will be in this situation and just remember what worked and what didn't to avoid this in the future. Lifes too short, so I wish all of you happy times and memories for the future!  Hope this helps.

Danielle - posted on 03/19/2009

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i know that she will never stop loving her son and i totaly respect that but she does need to trust that my husband and i are both adults and we have our own family too. she thinks that i need her help when i dont, if i needed it i would ask her.

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