Still bitter?

Gretchen - posted on 01/14/2009 ( 36 moms have responded )

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I'm wondering if anyone still feels that awful bitter feeling about other people's pregnancies, even now that you have a child of your own? When I hear of someone who conceived really quickly (especially if by accident), or who gets pregnant right after getting married or something, I just get this angry feeling inside and I HATE it. I wish I could finally be happy for other people. My husband doesn't get it and tell me to just get over it. I thought maybe some of you would understand . . .

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Tara - posted on 05/01/2013

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This is an old post, but i am responding because I need to vent about this very situation! I totally relate! i am now 5 weeks pregnant after losing twin girls 8 months ago to preterm labor at 24 weeks. Both pregnancies were from IVF (MFI). In the past months, I have basically lost a number of friends because I am bitter, angry, and jealous. ON top of that, I feel bad about being so envious and so I get down on myself like I'm a bad person. Even after finding out that we are expecting, I still can't bring myself to be around these preganant friends of even people with their kids. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, so I still can't be happy or excited for myself or anyone else. I've turned into a bitter angry person and I don't like it. Glad it's not just me!

Dawn - posted on 09/01/2010

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I absolutely, positively, understand! I am as bitter as they come.
It took me 10 1/2 YEARS to conceive for the first time ever via IVF. I was pg w/ quads, but they were all born "sleeping" at 19w6d. 8 months later, I did another IVF. Got pg w/ twins. Lost twin B at 9w1d, twin A is now 3 years old.
We have been TTC #2 for over 2 years now. We were going to do a FET in April, but found out my RE's office had a tank malfunction (and they chose not to tell the clients about it. I found out from a friend who worked there) I cancelled the cycle so I didn't waste $5,000+. The worst part is, I can't even say anything to the RE because my friend will lose her job for telling me. So now I have to keep my mouth shut, and come up with $ for a fresh IVF cycle. We just cannot afford to do it. I'll be 39 in Nov, so its not like I have a long time left.
As I was cancelling my FET, I find out my brothers' fiance is knocked up while on BCP's. Now THAT really pissed me off!!
Anyway, while nobody else "gets" your bitterness, I totally understand and feel the EXACT same way (My husband and family will never "get it" either).

Kelly - posted on 12/20/2009

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i was tryin for nearly 4 yrs (i am currently 13 weeks preg) a friend of mine had 1 baby and was pregnant at the time, told me to stop trying and there was plenty of kids that wanted adopting, i cried and cudnt even speak 2 her even online for months. i cried every time i found out any1 was pregnant and i did feel resentment...even friends talking 2 me about trying for a baby after having 1 and finding it hard was heart breaking for me, felt like i couldnt talk to any1 about it even though i neva made a secret of it. i still find it hard when people who cant look after themselves neva mind a little baby get pregnant without even trying but i am alot more happier and cant wait for my little miracle to be here

Jazmina - posted on 07/22/2009

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I have a child and now am infertile. I struggle with seeing other pregnant people every day. For a while recently it seemed like everyone I knew was getting pregnant. I felt like people were rubbing it in my face. I still feel that way although I try not to show it. I don't know if or when I will ever feel better about it.

René - posted on 07/04/2009

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What I find annoying is when people think that because you have one, another one shouldn't be as difficult. Some people just don't get it.

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Britney - posted on 07/25/2014

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Hi, Gretchen. I know how you feel. There are so many natural ways to get pregnant.
You have to increase your fertility by eating some foods to boost your chances to getting pregnant. You have to make sure that your period is regular, don't forget to go to your OB/GYN for knowing your healthy . This link encompasses many topics such as fertility problems, ovulation, diet, womens cycles, and much more http://aboutgettingpregnant.com .

Jessica - posted on 05/17/2013

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I have a 5 year old daughter and have been trying to get pregnant since she was one.. my sisters all have multiple kids and always make me feel like the outcast because i haven't been able to get pregnant. My sisters and friends keep getting pregnant and i feel envy.. I hate myself for that. i wish to god that i wouldn't feel like this.. I feel so miserable that i feel im destroying my family.. My husband or my family have no idea how i feel.. its all bottled up inside me..

Nicole - posted on 04/16/2013

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I have two kids and after having the second baby I got my tubes tied, I cannot emphasize how much I want another baby. My husband is more skeptical. I need to talk to someone.

Elizabeth - posted on 12/26/2012

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I feel for ya. It's very hard for me as well to be around pregnant girls or newborn babies. I feel like everyone is teasing me by asking me to hold their babies or to look at a ultrasound. It hurts so damn bad it's almost overwhelming. I understand how you feel, you just wanna cry everyday 24/7 non stop. But you put on this front to be polite and you wanna be strong as well. But what you have to understand too is that it's totally normal to be jealous. I'm personally giving up on having any kids. I'm married and tried for 2 years, 3 months of meds, and 1 month of clomid, still no luck. I'm already in the stage of where I don't like babies, only older kids like 6 and up. It hurts when my husbands family asks when we are gonna have children. I just reply, "um, I'm not really a kid person. Although I have 1 already. He is now 3 years old. I would like another. I waited on god to help me find my husband and I made sure I waited for my man. I finally am married and ready to multiply but it pleases god to not give me any. I keep god close and try to not get bitter but it is very very hard. Just see it as a demon that your fighting off like in a mystic land and in the end everything will be great and beautiful.tht means you will be able to be round newborns and pregnant woman without feeling that extreme hurt, jealosy, anger, and envy that I know you feel.

Eileen - posted on 12/07/2012

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I thought I was the only one. My beautiful son is 4 months old and I'm aching to have another baby asap. I still get jealous and depressed when all the women that had their babies when my dh and I were still ttc are now having their second babies.



I just tell myself to try to be happy for them. I would hate for anyone to experience infertility, I have to remind myself that I'm not infertile and that I'll be able to have as many children as I want in my own time.

Janelle - posted on 05/23/2011

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I know how you feel it took me 4 years to get prego with my twins and then i had them at 25 weeks so i didnt even get to carry them that long. and 8 months ago i found out my sister was having a baby and i hated her for it. and i cant help that im happy for her but at times it makes me so mad. I want more kids and i feel like i was cheated you know. So i do under stand

Lesley - posted on 01/09/2011

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Absolutely I do! I have a 2-year old daughter, conceived after 15 years of unexplained infertility - naturally I might add! Or atleast I believe with the help of Vitex. Anyway - I do get bitter when I hear "oops I'm pregnant - again" or that someone is unhappy that an unplanned pregnancy has happened, etc. And now that I have had my daughter - everyone keeps telling me the 2nd one will be easier to get. Really?? We've been trying for the 2nd one since she was a year old - who says that the 2nd or the 3rd or the 10th will be easier??? I really envy that woman with the 19 kids who has been on the news - I guess she got all our fertility dust - thief!!! :) xox

Kylee - posted on 01/06/2011

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Wow ladies...I so know what all of you are saying and I feel a little connection to you all. Even though there are sooo many of us out there that have battled (and some that have conquered) infertility,none of my friends or family have gone through it, making it harder for me:(

I feel that infertility molds us into completely different people then we would have been had we just gotten pregnant on our own quickly or accidentally. I also feel that going through infertility has given my husband a deeper appreciation for our son and pregnany in general.

My sister is pregnant and due in June (3 days from my son's due date). i battled inferility for over 3 years and then when I finally got pregnant (FET) she also ended up pregnant. It was fun to be pregnant with her, but at times I hated how nonchalant she was about pregnancy when I took it all soooo seriously. This time it is weird to not be pregnant with her and there is a bit of resentment, but I truly believe things happen as they should.

I really want to give Logan a brother or sister, but it is out of my control...guess we will just see:)

Heidi - posted on 06/07/2010

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I understand that feeling completely! It's really hard to be excited for everyone that is getting pregnant around you, and at the same time you're struggling like crazy to get pregnant yourself. It's a hard pill to swallow:( I love all my friends, but most of them blink and get pregnant...and while I am ecstatic for them and their babies, most of them just don't get what I'm going through to try and have a baby.

CARRIE - posted on 05/24/2010

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I thought it was just me! After 13 years of being with my husband and nothing happening I had all but, given up on ever being a Mom. Then one day it happened. Nothing felt real......the pregnancy, the birth, even after a year I still can't believe that my son is here. I thought all the hurt and anger would just go away once I got to experience everything for myself. But, I still get that twinge when I see or hear about someone getting pregnant without trying.

Kelly - posted on 05/10/2010

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I know exactly how you feel. I literally hate pregnant women!! I envy them so bad, my husband & I have been trying for 9 years & when my sister-in-law got pregnant(2x) I completely broke down. I want to be happy for pregnant women, but cannot bring myself to do it. When I'm at a store, I feel like they're everywhere!! My husband & I have an 11 year-old boy(from a previous relationship) & I still am envious of pregnant women. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feel's this way!! My husband is ALWAYS telling me to appreciate our son, which I do, but he's a great dad & deserves to be a father again. I see people who don't even want babies having them & it's not fair!! I tell him I'd literally give my arm to be able to get pregnant!!

Jessica - posted on 05/05/2010

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I was 19 when I was diagnosed with endometriosis, two months after I was married. So, I had laproscopy, removed some of the cysts, did 3 rounds of Clomid (along with the lovely Lupron-Depot therapy in between to throw me into menopause), and NO BABY! I was (and still am) working at a domestic violence program, and we tend to see a lot of women who are ANGRY that they are pregnant!!! I guess that is where my bitterness comes in. I am now 15 weeks pregnant with my first baby (NATURAL CONCEPTION!!!), but when I hear people complaining about being pregnant, especially those considering abortion or who are using drugs, my blood just boils. This is a gift...if you don't want it, take the right preventative measures. For the most part though, I just try to focus on how lucky we are to have concieved in general. Can't wait to meet my baby :-)

Stacey - posted on 04/21/2010

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I have not gotten that far in my process I dnt know nothing yet my Dr is still tryna figure out bout my cyst I just found out bout the cyst last yr august he said if it doesn't grow hes not gonna bother it at all so far I just have a hormone imbalance Along with my cyst. So every thing ur tellin me is a heads up for Wat Im up against

Sylvia - posted on 04/20/2010

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Yeah, I hear you. I remember being invited to a baby shower (baby #2) for one of DH's nieces just shortly after I'd had my second surgery for ovarian cancer, which was after 2 straight years of trying to get pregnant before the tumour got so big it really had to come out. We knew there were still options for us to have kids, but I was still coming to terms with the fact that I was never going to get pregnant the old-fashioned way, never get pregnant the way other people do, never be surprised to find out I was pregnant (and probably never get to have a child who carries my DNA -- although compared with everything else, that's never been the part that bothers me!). I told DH to tell his sister that I was really sorry, but there was no way I could go to this baby shower because I *knew* that at least three people would ask me "So, what are you guys waiting for?!" and then I would have to hit them in the head with a chair. (I doubt that's what he actually told his sister LOL, but anyway I didn't have to go, thank goodness.)

When we were TTC, it seemed like I saw pregnant women and babies everywhere I looked, and half the time it was pregnant women drinking beer, parents smoking right in their babies' faces, babies shrieking in strollers while their grown-ups totally ignored them ... I'm sure I was seeing things as a lot worse than they were, but yeah, rarely did a week go by when I didn't find myself going "Why do those people get to have a baby and I don't? If I had a baby I would take care of it SO MUCH BETTER!!" Oh, and the other thing that happened around this point in my life was that a co-worker got pregnant by accident. Twice within two years. Because (I swear I am not making this up) her husband was supposed to be in charge of birth control, and apparently she didn't notice that he didn't ... do whatever it was he was supposed to do (I didn't ask because I SO TOTALLY did not want to know).

For a few years after DD was born most of those feelings went away, because we felt so extremely lucky and blessed to have this beautiful baby. But now my miracle baby (conceived via IVF with donor ova) is almost 8, and we are TTC #2, and it's pretty much all started over again. We just did an IVF cycle, and we were *so sure* it would take -- we had two really great-looking embryos, I had all my meds perfectly timed, I even started carrying a little handbag instead of my big heavy backpack just in case, and my bras were getting too small and I was sleepy all the time ... -- and then it didn't. So, so miserable and depressing. And, yeah, now I'm feeling pretty bitter.

One thing that gets me, and I don't want to sound crass or callous here, is the financial aspect of the issue. I live in Ontario, where the provincial health plan doesn't cover IVF* and you can't get supplemental medical insurance that covers it, either (apart from the medications, which some drug plans do cover. So when I hear parents complaining about how much it costs to raise a child and send them to university, I want to yell, "Shut the hell up! It costs us as much to *try* to have a child as it's going to cost to send yours to uni for the first two years!" I mean, if we had extra money just sitting around, I would spend it on IVF with great enthusiasm; but we don't. At a certain point we looked at our small savings and made a choice: buy a flat or try to have a baby? We picked baby, and our second IVF cycle worked, and we're very happy with that decision, of course. When you come out the other end with a baby, then every penny you spent and all the pain you went through is worth it. But when you spend money you don't necessarily have and go through all that -- the hormone injections, the getting up at 5 am to go downtown for bloodwork, the drugs, the phlebotomist sticking you with needles, the waiting for phone calls and test results -- and it doesn't work? Doesn't seem so worth it. And the way everyone else around you seems (whether or not it's true) to be able to get pregnant just by looking at their spouse? SO UNFAIR.

* Unless you have bilaterally blocked fallopian tubes. I no longer have *any* fallopian tubes -- they were removed with my ovaries when I was 21 and 24, respectively -- but that apparently doesn't count :P.

Stacey - posted on 04/07/2010

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I thout I was the only one that felt like that. I feel that way cause I want to have
another child even thou I already have 3 children but I want one more I been trying for
2yrs now but I just found out I have a cyst on my ovary and it
seems like everyone I know is popping up pg I be so upset
so I know how u feel.

User - posted on 10/22/2009

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Hi, I totally had the same situation, I do not ovulate and so for 7 years without any birth control, nothing, I took Clomid for 3 cycles and never even tested to find out if it worked, I was over one month late and conceived with out even having a period. An old man in NY (my Father in laws neighbor) 82 yrs....told my hubby he hoped we would have a happy healthy baby, I did not know til a week later I was pregnant. I cried and cried.....it used to bother me when I heard someone was pregnant, but now I am fine....I do wonder how I will feel when I am trying again. My cousin found out she was pregnant right after I had Alexa, she had only went off the pill and started trying the month before...........Now, I am not on anything....we threw caution to the wind. I will be 30 next August and I do want two or three all together.

[deleted account]

Actually, what makes me bitter is when people take their kids for granted. Someone put up a post on Circle of Moms that starts "How do I Survive the next 18 years" and that made me bitter. I just wanted to reply that you don't Survive them, they are a gift and you cherish them. I cried when he was two weeks old because I realized that I only had 18 years before he went off on his own. So that is actually what makes me bitter -when people don't recognize how precious this time is and instead act so put-out by their "responsibilities". Sorry, done. That post has been eating at me.

Brittney - posted on 05/26/2009

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OH, that will always anger me. I seriously think there should be some sort of testing to become a parent. I mean, you have to take a test to get a driver's liscence...but people are having kids who don't even want them or can't take care of them, or just hink it's somebody elses job to take care of them...I think that sort of anger can come out of anyone...not just the women that have struggled to get pregnant.



We were very fortunate to have a strong support system in our church family, blood family and friends while we were TTC, that made all the difference in the world. But I will admit, there were times...when we were still TTC that I would find myeslf literally glaring at pregnant women, and I'd catch myself in the mirror, giving these complete strangers the nastiest looks. I couldn't help it. I think I know better now.

Susan - posted on 05/26/2009

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I tried for 5-1/2 yrs to get pregnant. After surgeries and IUI I decided to take the summer of 1999 off to gear up for IVF in September. Surprisingly my husband and I conceived in July. Our son is now 9 yrs old. I know it probably sounds crazy, but I still cannot believe he is here in our world. I don't think that I'll ever get over him. After my son was born, my resentfulness went away. However, I still get angry when I read about these women who are just popping out baby after baby, but can't take care of them.

Brittney - posted on 05/22/2009

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My son is only 18 mos old, so his first year especially, I don't think I felt that way. I finally had him, and that was all that I cared about. Although...I WILL say that since many of the moms in my local mom's group and friends are pregnant..I am feeling the urge again. I always knew I wanted my children close in age....my husband wants to wait until Michael is totally potty trained. But I can help but feel the same envy I felt before (well, without the hatred). I think I might be focused on other things that seem to help. I have a friend right now who has been trying with her hubby...sans any treatment, for a while, and two of her friends are expecting and it just breaks her heart. And it breaks my heart because I know how she feels. I think....in the end....I will always be envious of beautiful pregnant bellies (and the ability to make it happen like THAT) but I need to focus more on the gift I have...he definitely doesn't leave me much time to think about anyhting else ;)

[deleted account]

I agree with Wendy. I too feel strangely jealous and I still get irritated by people who get frustrated so easily when trying to concieve naturally. I am like - girl! you have to give it some time, like longer than one month would be nice. And what about the new trend of women that just go immediately to infertility treatments without trying naturally first? This just show extreme impatience. Why would they ever want to put their bodies through some of these procedures? It isn't FUN. Right? Yes Gretchen. I guess I am too still fired up about it all. LOL.

Lori - posted on 04/15/2009

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I have and still do to an extent feel bitter, anger, resentment you name it.  I also know that my walk in infertility has brought me closer to a God that is unbelievable.  Once I believed that his plan was best for me and that infertility was his way of bringing me closer to Him I had more peace.  I also began to understand that those people who got pregnant when they didn't want to or teenagers or those on their 4th child, He was using their pregnancy in their lives to bring them closer to Him as well.  We all have our burdens our just happens to be not being able to concieve babies the way others can.  It's okay for you to have these feelings we all do.

[deleted account]

I can't say anger is what I feel, but even after two children conceived via IVF, I still feel very jealous.

[deleted account]

It took me a very long time and alot of effort to get pregnant so I understand exactly what you are saying. I am actually thankful now for what we went through. I know that my son is never going to be taken for granted, I know that I am never going to miss a special moment because I am too "busy". I really feel like I have been given an amazing gift because I have the knowledge that he may have never been here and just how thankful I need to be every single day.

Darlene - posted on 02/23/2009

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I tend to only feel this way about people who get pregnant and it just doesn't seem fair... teenagers, the person who didn't want to get pregnant and is outside smoking, a girl who is living with her boyfriend's brother because neither is working--or even looking for work.  It doesn't seem fair that they can get pregnant and have babies when it takes so much work for so many stable, loving, financially secure families to get pregnant.  BUT, I believe everything happens for a reason, and we may not always understand those reasons.  It's not worth expending the energy to be bitter, when we can delight in our little ones!

[deleted account]

Exactly! Why does a 13 year old deserve to have a child and I don't! I am getting better but I still harbor bitterness. I am doing better hiding it though. I am hoping it goes away when I am done having children. Relax, hug your little one and know that you are so thankful to have your baby :)

Mary - posted on 02/08/2009

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I went through 3 IUI's & 5 IVF's, all without success for unexplained infertility with my 1st husband. The anger, bitterness, depression and heartbreak damn near killed me, and it eroded that marriage. To make life even more challenging, I am an L&D nurse, so my whole world was about pregnant women & babies. Although I had some rough moments at work, I never really considered changing jobs...the people I work with were my biggest support system, and I found taking care of couples who had been through infertility particularly rewarding, albeit emotional for me. However, random acquaintances, friends or family getting pregnant with ease tore me up. God, that was the most miserable period of my life! I was eaten up with jealousy, self pity...had never felt quite so alone as I did then.



I remarried, and at the age of 37, spontaneously conceived one month afterwards...and miscarried at 9 weeks. WTF?? I had finally made my peace with being childless, and found happiness in my life. Wasn't trying to get pregnant, b/c I really believed that it would never happen, especially at my age. To have all of that hope, and joy so cruelly crushed was devestating, but I was in a better place, with a man who truly loved and cherished me, & the life we had. Went thru a major funk, but resurfaced 2 months later...and got pregnant again. I was beyond paranoid that this would end badly as well...didn't tell anyone until well into the 2nd trimester, wouldn't register or buy anything until I was 30 weeks, and quite frankly, didn't fully trust or believe until the moment she was in my arms. That day will forever be the most incredible, magical...words fail me. I did not fully comprehend the human capacity for love until I saw my daughter's face, and heard her cry.



All that being said...I get it. while I am so happy, and grateful for what I have, the embers of that pain & resentment are still there...I think they always will be. I realize that had I not gone through all that crap I wouldn't be where or who I am today...I wouldn't cherish my baby in quite the same way. HOWEVER, I still can't say that this makes all of that past "okay"... I'm not sure that it will ever reallyleave me

Kim - posted on 02/03/2009

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I felt the same way and sometimes still do get that way when I hear that yet another one of my friends is expecting. it all depends on that persons situation I guess. I was extremely bitter after my miscarriage, but I am usually happy for people when they are preggers now. The only time I think it is bad is when the parents can't take care of the children they have and then they are having more! that drives me crazy!



 

Liz - posted on 02/03/2009

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I understand.  After two years of infertility we conceived my son through iui and clomid.  I made a promise to myself when we were trying that I wouldn't be bitter if others got pregnant-I wanted a baby and they should have the same experience. 



 



But now-I guess since we are thinking about number two I am getting frusterated.  I think it's because I was pregnant once-my body should just know what to do.  It's not a matter of "can I get pregnant" it's now "when will I get pregnant". 



 



I got pregnant again shortly after my son was born (much to our surprise) but lost it at 7 weeks so I think that's why I also feel bitter.

Theresa - posted on 01/14/2009

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I used to feel exactly the same way you do! I tried to conceive for 6.5 yrs without success. I tried fertility treatment which didn't work either. I felt very spiteful and upset with any news of anyone getting pregnant (even if I didn't personally know the person). It upset me when it was a "surprise pregnancy" or a second or third pregnancy for anyone. I couldn't understand nor did I really want to understand why it wasn't me. I felt it was unfair that others were having more than one and I was just hoping for one (to start with). Finally after about 6 yrs I started feeling happy for others who were pregnant but then I'd start feeling upset I wasn't (kind of a whirl wind of feelings all at once). I'd be upset for a week if it was someone close to me who got pregnant. My husband didn't understand it either. It got to the point that I'd get upset and he'd go out because he couldn't cope with it or me. They definitely don't have that maternal instinct (not saying he didn't really want a baby, but he "grieved" his own way and couldn't help me deal with mine while dealing with his). I had alot of resentment for anyone who had kids. I learned to cope better by distancing myself from any of my friends who were pregnant or had new babies. And surprisingly enough, my friends respected my wishes and didn't hold any of it against me.



Last year I was very lucky to find out I was pregnant in March (though I was about 1.5 mos at that time). It took me almost my whole pregnancy to accept it and believe it. And even now that Angelina is 3 mos old, there are days it still doesn't seem real after all those years of disappointment. Once I was about 4 mos pregnant I could totally handle others getting pregnant because I was past the "touchy" period. I finally felt like I was living in the real world and my emotions and thoughts were appropriate again.



Hope this helped!

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