19 years and counting......My Journey

Lori - posted on 06/25/2009 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I have been reading alot of stories from this site which I am new on and the memories still come back to me as if it were yesterday. I was 15 ....yes 15 first time well it only took that to realize that I was going to be a mommy. I was so confused and scared and of course the father of my son walked out. He figured that he got what he wanted and split. I had the support of mt family and I had to grow up almost overnight. My pregnancy was hard and I had many problems. I spent months in the hospital to stop my labor but my son came into this world at 33 weeks. He was so perfect in every way and I looked into his eyes and hoped he loved me as much as I loved him. My baby was born premature and with bleeding on the brain. He lived for 12 days and all I could do was wait and watch him die. He had kidney failure which resulted in his death. I could not understand why and all I could do is fall apart. I was 15 and now I had to bury my baby. My guilt of what could I have done different took its toll on me. I could not deal with life any longer and I needed to be with my son in heaven. I tried to take my own life and I believe that my mother who is my guardian angel found me in time and saved my life. It has been 19 hard years and I still cry and I still think of the what if's but I know that God took my son for a reason. He was so specail that god needed him more. I visit my sons grave every week and wonder what he would look like today. My life changed the day my son died but I have to have the strength to go on for my boys. Its okay to be angry, confused, out of control, blame others, cry, its called the grief process and it will never go away but it does get alittle easier. I remember my little one and talk about him like he was here today with friends. When others ask how many kids do you have I say 3 wonderful boys.

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Stacie - posted on 06/26/2009

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On July 3 it will be 12 years since our first child was stillborn. Colleen had Turners Syndrome. We were told to expect this outcome as most babies with this don't survive. I was 7 1/2 months pregnant. We had to name her and bury her. And still to this day I have never been back to her grave site. I just can't seem to go. One year later I had a miscarriage at 3 months. Another girl. It was the worst time of my life. In 1999 I sank into a deep depression and stayed there for the whole year. Eventually I started to get better. I got pregnant again for the third time and was terrified. But we had a healthy baby boy in October 2000. The summer after his birth, I had another miscarriage. But to make a really long story short we went on to have a baby girl in April 2003, and another boy in August 2006.

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