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2 years ago today my daughter was born an angel :(

Silvia - posted on 07/07/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My first daughter zoie was born 2 years ago today and i am not dealing with it to well. I miss her so bad and i cant stop reliving both finding out and not having her here. I am so angry and sad and i have so much guilt. July 5th, 2010 i was finding out that my daughter zoie passed away. I was being told the worse news i could have ever imagined. I still remember them trying to find her heartbeat and wheeling out the ultrasound machine. I thought for sure that they were wrong. Had to be wrong. I still dont understand how they wearnt wrong and i never will. i found out my daughter passed away 3 days after my due date. I thought she would be in my arms. I felt her move the night before, my husband and i even laughed because she was moving so much. We were listening to the song we dedictated to her "zoie jane" and joking that she was dancing to it. The next day, and this is what eats me up inside. i didnt really do anything, just watched tv and lounged around. Yet it wasnt till that night that i realized i hadnt felt her all day. What kind of mom does that make me! How could it take me so long to notice! Maybe if i had noticed earlier shed still be alive. They had me induced on the 6th, my 26th birthday but it wasnt till the 7th that she was born.
I found out after she was born that i was borderline gestational diabetic at my 20 week testing and full blown gestational diabetic when she was born. She was 9 pounds, 8 ounces. Ive since had another daughter, a very healthy 1 year old :) i was diabetic with her too and with the help of insulin she made it here safely. She was only 7 pounds and my doctor, not the same as before told me that my diabetes was what caused zoies death. The thing is, i picked zoies doctor, i picked that hospital. If i had picked a different one shed probally be here. My doctor was terrible, she was insensitive and didnt take care of my daughter. I have so much hatred for her, i cant begin to explain. You know what she said when i called to tell her i hadnt felt movement! She said i should come in to make sure she was still alive! And than after giving birth she said i was very lucky and god was giving me a gify because the placenta came out good! Yeah sure! I lost the most precious thing to me, im just full of good luck!
I cant stop with the whatifs, i know they wont bring her back but i cant help it. She made it to her due date. why couldnt she born than! If she had been born just a day earlier shed be here with me, my husband and her sister. Why do people who hurt and kill their kids, get there's and me, the person who wanted her kid more than anything have this happen! I tried for 3 years to have her, she was healthy, perfect! i am just so angry. Ive written a poem for my beautiful angel. I love you Zoie MaryRuth Keyes

I know your in heaven, smiling down
My precious zoie, you make me so proud
The days dont get easier, you not being here
How could this happen, still not clear
Perfect one minute, gone the next
I feel like god has stabbed me in the chest
You gave me such joy, you gave me such hope
Now all i have is this hole in my heart
I dont understand, why me i cry
why me, why!
I know il never know
did you suffer, or peacefully go
Did you think of me, hoping id save you
I let you down, i know its true
How could i not see, inside me you grew
The what ifs consume me, eating me alive
ive never felt pain like this, and never will again
I didnt save you, my angel zoie
And for that, im deeply sorry


sorry this was so long. If you got through it, thank you for listening.

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4 Comments

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Silvia - posted on 07/14/2012

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Thank you Tomai, Im so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine losing three of my children, it really is unfair :( I know our children are looking down at us and your right, I wouldnt want them to think were miserable because of them. I appreciate your kind words and that I'm not alone in sometimes blaming myself. Your not alone either. I know we'l see them again someday and I pray that you get your take home baby too one day ♥

Tomai - posted on 07/12/2012

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I am so sorry for your loss, but i truly believe that you should not blame yourself. You like many of us on here had no control over saving our angels lives......if we could have im definitely sure we all would have done everything in our power to save our babies.
I have lost my first angel to placental abruption, 6 month later i found out i was pregnant with twins, and I gave birth to them at 22 weeks, the died 10 minutes later about two weeks ago. I to am confused, was there anything i could have done, I should have known better??? these question eat me up inside and stops me from grieving properly for my boys.
Please learn to forgive yourself, because if you blame yourself for those reasons than many other like you will probably do the same to......and the truth is sometimes these things do happen, and to good people, and its just unfair.
To help me deal with the blame i think about my 3 angels watching over me and i dont want to upset them, by making them think that the reason why im so miserable is because of them.

You have nothing to blame yourself for, im really happy you went on to have a succesful pregnancy, you are very blessed in that sense....all the best x

Silvia - posted on 07/10/2012

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Thank you Lindsey, Your kind words mean alot to me. It makes me feel better that im not alone in how i feel. Im sorry about your son. Your right that life can be cruel. I hate that we have to go through this. I know trying to play what happened differently makes it worse, its just so hard not to. Im really going to work on it though because i have found that im so busy doing that, that it might be taking away from what im offering to my daughter thats here with me :( Im glad you have your 6 year old to give you joy, my one year old is what gets me through the rough times too. Thank you again for sharing your story. I hope your life continues to get better too ♥

Lindsey - posted on 07/10/2012

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I am sorry for the loss of your daughter your poem is beautiful . It has been 1 yr since my son was born an angel and as you know it doesnt get any better. But to be blaming yourself and going back and thinking what you could have done differently will drive you crazy. I did that for awhile but you cant it makes it so much worse. I read this and felt like i was reading my own story, I am type 1 diabetic and went to a high risk clinic i felt they werent looking out for my best interests not listening to my concerns so when i went in to the hospital and also found no heartbeat i was angry upset and in denial they can say it was this or that but I will never know the real reason. Life can be very cruel but please dont blame yourself and believe me I have dreamt many nights changing what happened and rewinding time and waking up in tears. Enjoy your daughter you have she will get you through all your hard times seeing her smile :) I have a 6 yr old and she is my joy when i am having a hard day. I hope everyday gets alittle easier for you and please don't think back and try to play it differently your not a bad person unfortunately it cant bring them back just be the best mom you can to your daughter

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