Silvia - posted on 07/07/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )
My first daughter zoie was born 2 years ago today and i am not dealing with it to well. I miss her so bad and i cant stop reliving both finding out and not having her here. I am so angry and sad and i have so much guilt. July 5th, 2010 i was finding out that my daughter zoie passed away. I was being told the worse news i could have ever imagined. I still remember them trying to find her heartbeat and wheeling out the ultrasound machine. I thought for sure that they were wrong. Had to be wrong. I still dont understand how they wearnt wrong and i never will. i found out my daughter passed away 3 days after my due date. I thought she would be in my arms. I felt her move the night before, my husband and i even laughed because she was moving so much. We were listening to the song we dedictated to her "zoie jane" and joking that she was dancing to it. The next day, and this is what eats me up inside. i didnt really do anything, just watched tv and lounged around. Yet it wasnt till that night that i realized i hadnt felt her all day. What kind of mom does that make me! How could it take me so long to notice! Maybe if i had noticed earlier shed still be alive. They had me induced on the 6th, my 26th birthday but it wasnt till the 7th that she was born.
I found out after she was born that i was borderline gestational diabetic at my 20 week testing and full blown gestational diabetic when she was born. She was 9 pounds, 8 ounces. Ive since had another daughter, a very healthy 1 year old :) i was diabetic with her too and with the help of insulin she made it here safely. She was only 7 pounds and my doctor, not the same as before told me that my diabetes was what caused zoies death. The thing is, i picked zoies doctor, i picked that hospital. If i had picked a different one shed probally be here. My doctor was terrible, she was insensitive and didnt take care of my daughter. I have so much hatred for her, i cant begin to explain. You know what she said when i called to tell her i hadnt felt movement! She said i should come in to make sure she was still alive! And than after giving birth she said i was very lucky and god was giving me a gify because the placenta came out good! Yeah sure! I lost the most precious thing to me, im just full of good luck!
I cant stop with the whatifs, i know they wont bring her back but i cant help it. She made it to her due date. why couldnt she born than! If she had been born just a day earlier shed be here with me, my husband and her sister. Why do people who hurt and kill their kids, get there's and me, the person who wanted her kid more than anything have this happen! I tried for 3 years to have her, she was healthy, perfect! i am just so angry. Ive written a poem for my beautiful angel. I love you Zoie MaryRuth Keyes
I know your in heaven, smiling down
My precious zoie, you make me so proud
The days dont get easier, you not being here
How could this happen, still not clear
Perfect one minute, gone the next
I feel like god has stabbed me in the chest
You gave me such joy, you gave me such hope
Now all i have is this hole in my heart
I dont understand, why me i cry
why me, why!
I know il never know
did you suffer, or peacefully go
Did you think of me, hoping id save you
I let you down, i know its true
How could i not see, inside me you grew
The what ifs consume me, eating me alive
ive never felt pain like this, and never will again
I didnt save you, my angel zoie
And for that, im deeply sorry
sorry this was so long. If you got through it, thank you for listening.