4th pregnancy...need advice

Libby - posted on 02/27/2009 ( 66 moms have responded )

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1st pregnancy...easy, text book, born at 37 1/2 weeks, the result is a healthy 7 year old.



2nd pregnancy...complications from the beginning of the 2nd trimester, hospitalized from week 25-27, had unexplained bleeding, the result is a healthy 4 1/2 year old born 10 weeks early due to preterm labor.



3rd pregnancy...complications from the beginning of the 2nd trimester, bleeding seemed to get worse quicker than last pregnancy, she lost all of her fluid, the result was Trina was born into the arms of Jesus at 20 weeks on December 3rd, 2008.



4th pregnancy...currently 7 weeks pregnant.





So, there's my history. I'm having a hard time not expecting something to happen this pregnancy. It was very unexpected as it took us 2 years to get pregnant with our 3rd child (even tried fertility meds), so even though we wanted to try again, we never thought it would happen so soon. So, here we are, just 12 weeks after our daughter has passed away and we are thinking about our next child already. I never thought we'd lose her. I thought the worst that would happen is that we'd have another preemie. And I knew I could handle that b/c we've already had one preemie. Now this time my fear is the actual worst...will we lose this one too?



I've already decided no sex during this pregnancy. That is how my spotting started in my last 2 pregnancies and I don't want to risk anything. I also will be discussing with my doctor our game plan this time around. I think I will ask him to see if I can get the steroid injection for this baby's lungs at 24 weeks. We had discussed that for the last pregnancy but we only made it to 20 weeks. I had the steroids for the 2nd pregnancy at 25 weeks because I was having problems. So, I think even if I'm not having problems I want to see if I can get the shot as a preventative measure. Other than that, I know my doctor will perform a lot of ultrasounds to check on this baby. So, I don't have any worries with that. My doctor is always very thorough.



I'm also hoping that we don't have any complications so I don't have to go back to the specialist this time. I don't feel like he treated me very well after he did some tests on me after I wasn't pregnant anymore. I waited for over 2 weeks for the results that I ended up telling my regular doctor about and he got me the results I had been waiting for. But if I have to see him again,of course I will, for the benefit of the baby. But again, I hope I don't have to b/c that only means that things are going great!



So, how do I not worry about every little twinge? How do I not over do it? How do I not let the stress of worry overwhelm me? How do I get through pregnancy milestones that I didn't reach in my last pregnancy? How do I not fear the worst?

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Libby - posted on 03/31/2009

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I am so sorry everything is sucking right now.  You have so much going on.  I feel so horrible for you.  I wish there was something I could do.  Even if it was to just take you out to lunch and let you talk it out with me.  Please keep talking about it here though.  It's not good to keep it bottled up.  Not good at all.  I know you feel like the hubby is done grieving and can't deal with it, but that doesn't mean you should shut down and be done too.  I'm sorry he isn't being strong in the marriage and he is letting this come between you two.  All I can say is hang in there.  Keep me updated. 

Paula - posted on 03/30/2009

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hey



I have to ask you....does having a baby inside make you focus on something positive and makes the healing easier? does it lesson the load?  I wondered if that would happen or not.



as for the counselling...it sucked.  he really is so detatched that he said he doesn't think our marriage is good and already think its over.



was horrrible, spent the day crying.



now I must have gotten some bug...cause I vomited a few times and well my gut feels bad too....



I will write more later....not feeling good right now



 



 

Libby - posted on 03/30/2009

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Yes, my friend is having a girl.  So that was hard for me too  I don't know how I got through it, but I did.  I guess for me that's like a special feat.  Like another notch on my belt where I can say I did this or that.  Like you, others have said that I'm strong.  I really don't see it that way.  I hide the weakness easily.  I guess I feel like what people don't see they can't ask me about.  You know what I mean?  I just am so tired of being the one who lost a baby.  Stop asking me how I'm doing.  I'm sad.  I'm heart broken.  I miss her.  That's how I'm always going to feel.  I'm tired of hearing "things happen for a reason".  Or "there must have been something wrong".  Blah blah blah.  I told one of my closest friends that I went and say another friend's baby on Saturday and that I wished it were mine.  And her response was that I'll have one soon enough.  I didn't mean a baby in general...I meant my daughter.  Seeing her daughter makes me want my daughter.  She said she wasn't sure what to say but that she loves me and that my daughter will always be with me.  I told her that there isn't anything to say.  That I'm tired of hearing stupid things that people say that they think will make you feel better.  The reality is I could have my daughter right now, but I don't.  She's not here and I am aching for her and being pregnant again doesn't take that away.  Her response was she is here if I need anything.  And I do know that, but I've realized there's nothing anybody can do.  So, what's the point if they're there or not??  She told me she can listen.  But I told her she just doesn't know.  I told her it wasn't her fault and I'm glad she doesn't.  But it's a very lonely feeling. 



 



Well, I'm curious to know how your counseling went.  Let me know!

Paula - posted on 03/30/2009

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Hi Libby



well after my anger moment last night, I left the room so as to not blow up in front of the kids.  it was for a stupid thing but he just gets to me, the moment he walks in the door I am mad at him.....for what?



so he went to bed and I cried till 3 am.



passed out around probably 3:30 am from exhaustion.  He never noticed I wasn't in bed.



I was late bringing the kids to school/day care today....just couldn't get out of bed.  I got them there for 11am.  so bad....



we have counselling today...at 1pm.  we really need to vent things off or I will freak out soon.....and it won't be pretty.



thanks for your advice.



you're strong ....for going to that baby shower....I wouldn' t have gone....I too would have been in a bubble....looking onto myself...but I would have been worried about bawling my eyes out seeing all this baby things.  Does she know if it is a boy or girl? is the baby born yet?   it would have been worse for me if it was a girl....seeing pink and such.



you take care

Libby - posted on 03/30/2009

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My friend actually told me she understood if I didn't come.  I told her that even though I was sad that it didn't mean I wasn't happy for her.  I just don't want to be that woman that has lost a baby and can't function, ya know?  I want to be normal again.  It was hard.  I sorta felt like I was sitting outside of my body just watching what was going on.  I gave some laughs at funny jokes and I oohed & aahed over the cute baby girl clothes.  But the whole time I was thinking about my girl.  It was nice to be with my friend and her family though.  It's been a long time since I've been to her mom's house and it was a nice familiar place to be.  And now my friend lives 6 hours away so I wanted to be able to see her.  So, I forced myself through it.  I've done that with a lot of things. 



 



I'm sorry you and hubby are in silent mode.  That really sucks.  Hubby gave me the silent treatment for several days once (when I got my 2nd tattoo).  That was aggravating.  I'm not sure how you do it for such an extended period of time though.  I can understand he's worried about doing or saying the wrong thing...so why don't you make the first move.  Maybe you're afraid of rejection, but honestly the silence is just that.  Good luck.  Have a great day!

Paula - posted on 03/29/2009

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today was ok till the hubby came home, then I got mad and mad at him for little things that don't really matter....the anger and resentment I feel towards him....it so hard.  I can't shake it.  I know he feels it cause he ignores me in the house for fear I will explode.



he did laundry and then put it all away...then next thing I knew he was heading for bed.



by the time I did my things...I got to the room and he was already sleeping.  another night of nothing....but silence between us.



its crap



you are strong to go to a baby shower.....I don't think I could go to one just yet.  don't think I could see all the baby things and not cry.  I just go in her room and see all the stuff and wonder if I am ever going to be able to use it.



its a shame it all there....with no baby to use it.



well you take care...have a good week.



Paula 



t



 

Libby - posted on 03/29/2009

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Yeah it's hard to hold and take care of someone's baby like that.  I went and held my friend's baby yesterday that had given birth on Tuesday.  She was 4 weeks early and due at the same time I was due.  So, holding her it made me feel like I could've been holding my own.  That's hard for me.  I feel guilty for being so sad when I'm pregnant again.  I've actually had a pretty emotional last few days.  I'm just missing my girl right now.  I even had a bad dream last night, not related to her, but just bad in general.  I haven't had a bad dream in a long time.  But it was nice to have my hubby put his arms around me.  He always makes me feel better.  He's working a lot this week.  He has 12 - 12 hour shifts in a row!  This is his 5th day, and it already feels like he's been at work for weeks.  I also feel bad because he doesn't get home till almost 9pm and by that time I'm tired and am ready for bed.  So, the poor guy gets neglected.  But I have a busy week coming up so hopefully it'll go by fast.  I volunteer tomorrow at Sebastian's school, Tuesday I have a doctor's appointment, and I babysit from Tues-Fri.  Busy busy!  Well, hope all is well with you today.  I had a busy Sunday.  Of course I couldn't sleep in.  But got up and got ready for church and I taught the kids' class today, and then I had a baby shower for a friend.  So, I think I'm gonna take the rest of the evening to relax.  Have a good one!

Paula - posted on 03/28/2009

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Hey am babysitting three kids plus my two....I know what you mean by a mouthy mouth,....when I get home tonihgt I will write him a letter telling him everything...maybe that way if he truely knows....then maybe he will come around. 



its hard today....because the kids I am babysitting there is three of them and one is a baby, the one I told you about that is close to me, she has a 8 months old...so today as much as its nice to do baby things, its bitter sweet...changing diapers, feeding by bottle...rocking....its hard to do this and not think of her.



take care



 

Libby - posted on 03/28/2009

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Paula,



It does drive me crazy when people bring up my boys.  Yes, I have two living children which help me get through the days, but that doesn't mean I hurt any less, or that I don't want to continue on with my family.  The maternal instinct is so strong.  Perhaps some people just don't have that.  My friend told me the other day that things happen for a reason, I think I may have said this earlier, but I just told her that I think that's what people say to make themselves feel better.  It really means nothing.  Just words. 



 



The lady who is a counselor who co-founded my support group 20 years ago said that people just say about giving it to God as something to hide behind.  I told her just because I hurt and grieve doesn't mean I don't believe in God.  Doesn't God expect me to do all of that??  It just makes me mad that people assume I don't believe or that I'm not believing hard enough or something.  But she made me feel better in the sense that I know that I'm not crazy.  It's not just me feeling that those are just words.  She said that same things I was thinking really.  That was reassuring. 



 



Well, when hubby wakes up from his coma let me know!  Haha.  I hope you have a good weekend.  I'm gonna sell my 7 year old...interested??  LOL.  He's been kinda mouthy today and the day started early.  Why can't they sleep in on Saturdays???  Geesh. 

Paula - posted on 03/28/2009

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HI Libby



how were the other people in your group with the give it to god thing?  are they giving it to him...is it helping them and how are thye able to give it? 



I know what you mean about people and their comments....



I had my massage the other day...the girl knew about what happened....said she was sorry...sort of didn't know what to say and then said...things like this happen...man it just kills me when she said that.  I know she doesn't know what to say....just say your sorry and that is it....no more...they just make it worst.



To Caz--- I wish you the best....I feel the same regarding wanting a baby....the urge to have a baby....something positive to live for.  we all know that it can't replace our babies....but the maternal instinct is there....the need to mother is there.



did you ever get the response from people...well you have two healthy kids at home to take care of....that is what I get alot when I say to people I want another baby.



why must poeple assume that I take my exsisting kids for granted if I want another child.....



if we were first time moms....who lost their first and only child...and they wanted more kids...people would say...its ok you will have more....they will come.



but when you have kids....its taboo to want more....



what do you think of that?



well you both have to keep me in the loop with the babies....I live through you....for now till I can tie my husband down and threaten his life....hehe I am kidding....I am ovulating in the next days and fell this is time....time to knock him out....hehe



see ya



Paula



 



 

Libby - posted on 03/27/2009

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Thanks for responding Caroline.  We are very similar in that we have two boys, lost our daughters, and now we are both 11 weeks pregnant!  That is so crazy!!  You are right though, it is my boys that make me want to keep going. I'm so glad I had them first.  They help me to keep moving forward. 



 



It hard not to stress.  I am trying to do like you..take it one day at a time.  I'm to the point though where I just want to fast forward to October and have this baby.  I just want to hold him or her.  I hope you come back and read here again, b/c I'd like to ask you how do you feel about being pregnant again.  I mean, you have two boys and lost your only daughter.  My fear is that is the only daughter I will ever have.  And I really want to have a daughter to raise here on earth with me.  I know in the end I just want this 4th baby to live, but I can't help to but to want a daughter.  I was wondering if you felt the same way and how you might be dealing with it.  Thanks!

Caz - posted on 03/27/2009

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i also just want to say that it is totally ok to want another baby, only you know when yr ready to try again. even when i lost my daughter i kept sayng we can try again we can try again, not because i wanted to replace her but because i accepted what happend. and instead of driveing myself crazy with grief i chose to slowly pick myself up and carry on my life, for me my partner and my boys,and to be honest it was my little boys that made me want to pick up my life again because i know they need me and love me and i do them to. so to me,its ok to still want to try again it doesnt mean you forget yr angel baby,it just means your finding a way to cope and pick yrself up xxx

Caz - posted on 03/27/2009

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hi,im caroline. im nearly 11 weeks pregnant,this is my 4th pregnancy too. i have 2 boys clinton nearly 8 and kieran nearly 6,a year ago i had a little girl but she was stillborn at 8 months. so this pregnancy is really strange for me too. it is hard being pregnant again after what happend but the way i see it now is just take one day at a time, and i deffinetly dont stress out anymore like i used to about silly things lol im so thankfull that i can still get pregnant and still have the chance to try again. im sure this time will be different but i still have a brick wall half way up in my mind,i just try and keep positive and keep myself happy xxx

Libby - posted on 03/26/2009

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My group is only once a month too.  But I feel its important to go and be around people like me.  Ya know?  I have only gone twice, but I do like going.  I had the God conversation yesterday at group.  Here's the thing.  It's not that I don't believe...like I said, I do!  I just think it's a way to hide behind things and not deal with your feelings but just saying give it to God.  How can I give my feelings to God if I don't know what they are exactly?  I can be angry one day, sad the next, pissed after that, happy one day, and then depressed after that.  All of these things are going on and I need to deal with them.  Yes, I need God's help to get me through it.  But I can't just throw away those feelings and not deal with them because I've said I gave them to God.  What happens when I give them to Him now and the creep back up on me in a few years and it kills me because I didn't deal with them?  I think it's a way to hide behind what actually needs to be said and done.  I know God will help me through it, but I have to do some of the work too!  He gave her to me and I have to deal with Him taking her back.  Ok, I think I'm rambling again.  I have some of these things jumbled up in my head and I'm just tired of hearing those same old expressions.  Like today, I told my friend that I found out a friend of mine who was due at the same time I was had her baby 2 days ago.  She delivered 4 weeks early.  I told her it was kinda depressing for me.  And her response was that everything happens for a reason.  I told her that I think people just say that to make themselves feel better.  I'm so tired of hearing that shit. 



 



I'm sorry you don't have any place to freak out.  I sorta know what you mean.  I feel like I can't freak out either.  I mean, don't I have to be a certain way because I'm still a mom and wife and people rely on me.  I'm glad you have momentos of her.  That's all we have left of our daughters.  You are right, it would be hard, extremely hard to have nothing.  I told the girl at group last night that I don't know how she does it, after losing her first child, how do you continue one.  I atleast have my little boys that keep me going.  I have to keep going for them. 



 



I can't wait to feel the baby!  I want that so badly right now.  Talk to you soon.

Paula - posted on 03/26/2009

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HI I do go to a group but its only once a month....just not enough....I think.



I understand what you said about giving god as much as you can.  I too wonder if I carry too much and yet I have friends who just say....give it to him and don't worry about it....yet I don't know how....I seem to take it back.



it would be easier if he was here to talk too. its like a double life....one on line and then the normal me who has to function with the kids and him....like nothing is wrong.



I think it is creating a rift....somehow....of preventing me from really releasing all this anger...cause there is no place to freak out....



I don't want to in front of the kids....I don't want to scare them.  he wonders why I am up late at night....last night I did scrapebooking....till 2 am.



I am doing a book of all the momentoes from her.  its all that I have .....these pictures and momentoes.



I wonder how hard it would be....for those who misscarry....there are no momentoes....no pictures....how hard that would be.  I would be afraid to lose any memory of the baby....



well you take care



let me know when you sense the baby move....that will be so cool



 

Libby - posted on 03/26/2009

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Paula, I wish your husband was there for you.  I think that would make this whole thing much worse if I didn't have my hubby to lean on.  I know my friends don't understand, and I feel like he is the only one who does sometimes.  So, to not have that would be so hard, I feel for you.  I will continue to pray that your hubby comes around to be what you need him to be. 



 



How's the book reading going?  I don't like to read.  I get much more out of talking to people who have been through this than to just read about it.  I just don't have the attention span.  I never have liked reading.  I wish I could change my outlook on that and maybe I would get something out of reading a book (if I actually read one).



 



I'm not sure how much you can really let go and give it all to God.  If this was a perfect world and God made me perfect I could give it all to Him.  But I do carry some of it.  I give to Him as much as I can.  I believe in Him.  I wish people didn't think that believing was the ultimate way to heal because I already do believe so that doesn't change anything for me.  Does that make sense?  I think I'm just rambling.  Sorry! 



 



Well, I went to my support group last night.  I really enjoy going there.  Maybe you could find a group too.  I know you're doing the counseling thing, but going to a group would give you a different kind of support system.  Maybe you could contact the hospital you delivered at and ask them for some information on some.  Let me know.

Paula - posted on 03/24/2009

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HI Libby



I am in the same boat in regards to friends....you are the ones who understand...here on this site.  at home...I can't freak out with my husband...he just isn't there.  IN counselling...well I freak out there but its a timed thing....oh your hour is up see you next time.



when you talk to friends who are not living this , they just don't understand really.....I have some that say call when you are down....call us no matter what.  but I feel like a burden to them, cause its a relving kind of moments....when the wave of sorrow hits you and if you were to call someone....they don't get it.  they say call anyway....we can listen.  but calling and having someone listen....who isn't living it feel fake.



I understand....what you mean.



I have a friend that had a miscarriage, years ago...but its so different like you, can't relate.



That day makes me cry, the moment I think or that my mind goes there....its awefull.  It is also bad when the future hits me....all the things that should have happened, what I should be doing right now and the baby that I want so desperately....that is not coming....the future plans....



the book I am reading right now talks about that, stay in the now.  But it is so hard to stay there in the now.....the ache bring you to the past and future....and there lies the pain.



so how to get rid of it....therapist says to work through it.  its awefull to work through it.....



what are you suppose to do....freak out for days ...get it all out....than what? does the pain go away? 



I too beleive in god, there are lessons to learn and reasons....this is what they say....well I want to know what they are???  I really would like to know why we are living this? 



is it like you say...when we are gone and reunited with our babies...will we know then?



why her?  I would like to know was she scared...dieing...was she in pain? did she know I was there?



cause no one can tell me for sure....it all seems unreal.



I too would be scared....being pregnant.  I agree with you, even if you beleive....let god take over and let him know your doubts.....can you really let go that much. How does one let go...and give it all to god.  Is it a question of saying it....?



like you said...he took your baby after you let go....and told him.  how fair is that?



what about the women who have expereinced....many losses...some women here lost 3-8 miscarriages....what about those women....why them?



I would hope when I have another child that I am strong enough not to freak out during the pregnancy....and the birth.  I think I would pray each night....patting my belly....telling that child that the love will carry you through.....



I pray you are able to bring this child home.....you are my strength....my beleif....if you can make it so could I.....



so if we all get behind you....wishing our best, sending every possible positive vibe your way....there is no way not to see that child.....



take care

Libby - posted on 03/24/2009

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Quoting Paula:



Hi Libby






I didn't have a choice about her autopsy...they did it regardless of what I would have wanted cause she died an unusual death.   any suspicious death is done automatically.






I was not upset so much for the cutting open but later when the test going to the states got screwed up and they had to culture her cells, grow them to get DNA....I was pissed at that.  I felt she was violated enough....now you have to grow her cells cause someone screwed up.  and noone told me that till later....






we had her buried...and that I am not sure if I like that now.....cold ground and all. 






oh I just don't know anymore.....






do you have alot of flash backs to that horrible day?  reliving it.....not a day goes by that it doesn't come back to me somehow.  it is relentless....if only your memory was gone....but then I think I would miss her if it was gone.






I just wish the pain would go away.






take care






I know you are scared for the next few weeks that are coming....but I will be here...if you need to talk.  I wish I was pregnant at the same time....we could freak out together....






good night.






 






I do have flash backs probably every day.  I can't think of a day that I don't think about being in the hospital, or the pain it felt to deliver such a tiny baby, or how I couldn't see her right when she was born b/c I didn't have my glasses on and I was telling my husband to get my glasses b/c I wanted to see if she was breathing.  It's really hard to remember much before that day.  I had a horrible pregnancy, but everything is drowned out by that day.  I remember standing up and the blood flowing out of me.  I remember hearing her heart beating when I got to the hospital.  I didn't think anything of it then that they took the monitor off of me.  So, I don't really exactly know the moment she died.  But she came out so still and so little.  I remember how good the nurses were to me.  I never thought it would be that way, but they treated me so kindly.  I remember not feeling much of any emotion until all of our friends and family left  Well, I guess its not that I didn't feel it, just didn't want to show it yet.  I remember every bit of it.  I wouldn't want to forget any of it.  She is my little girl.  I wouldn't want to forget seeing her tiny little hands and feet or holding her in my arms.  As much as I hate that day, it was the worst day of my life, I wouldn't want to forget my daughter. 



 



I wish there was someone I could freak out with.  There's really no one I can do that with.  Well, except for my hubby.  But I would like to have a friend to help get me through this.  But I don't have any friends that can truly relate.  I do have a friend that had an early on miscarriage and I told her once that she lost a baby too.  But I think she feels so differently about what I went through and what she went through.  I don't, a loss is a loss.  But I think she thinks I have suffered more or something.  So, I can't relate to her in a sense, plus she isn't pregnant nor is she having any more children.  I do have another friend that had an early on miscarriage and she is pregnant now but she is due next month, which is when I was orginally due.  So, that's just a little tough there.  Oh well, I have all of my friends here.  That will be good enough.

Libby - posted on 03/24/2009

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Quoting Dawn:

I don't know wheather or not you beleive in the Lord Jesus Christ or not you have to know he is in controle your not I had a stillborn @39 weeks I thought I had everthing under controle until the Lord showed me I don't He does He blessed us with our 3 next pregnancys but like you I could be like what if and worry every second of the day But scripure says worry is wrotenous to the bones, Philippians4:6,7 "Be anxious for nothing,but in everthing by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds though Christ Jesus." and 1Peter 5:7"casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you." The best way to battle this is with the peace of Christ I sugest reading the bible. the Psalms are excellent. I have experianced that peace with our Noah, and My Heavenly Father is there for me with every pregnancy. we have to trust Him no matter the out come.He has a purpose for everthing he does.



Dawn,
I absolutely do believe.  I did before we lost our daughter and I still do.  I believed so much that I asked Him to heal my body when I was pregnant and suffering complications.  Unfortunately, I suffered the worst complication of all.  I never thought it would happen.  But it did, and I still believe.  And I think it is naive to think that somebody's faith isn't shaken even in the slightest when an unnatural course of life takes place.  It doesn't mean you don't believe.  I mean, how stupid would I be to suddently stop believing and then never be able to see my daughter again.  I feel bad for those people who greive without any hope.  That's not me.  I have the comfort in the promise of seeing my daughter again, and that's what will get me through.  But it doesn't ease my worries that I could lose another child.  Am I afraid of experiencing the worst pain of my life again?  Yes I am.  But that only means I'm human.  God knows we are humans with emotions.  He made us that way.  He expects me to learn something from this.  I may never understand His plan until I get There, but one day I will hold my daughter and I will know why .  I do know she must have been pretty special for Him to want her so soon!

Dawn - posted on 03/24/2009

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I don't know wheather or not you beleive in the Lord Jesus Christ or not you have to know he is in controle your not I had a stillborn @39 weeks I thought I had everthing under controle until the Lord showed me I don't He does He blessed us with our 3 next pregnancys but like you I could be like what if and worry every second of the day But scripure says worry is wrotenous to the bones, Philippians4:6,7 "Be anxious for nothing,but in everthing by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds though Christ Jesus." and 1Peter 5:7"casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you." The best way to battle this is with the peace of Christ I sugest reading the bible. the Psalms are excellent. I have experianced that peace with our Noah, and My Heavenly Father is there for me with every pregnancy. we have to trust Him no matter the out come.He has a purpose for everthing he does.

Paula - posted on 03/23/2009

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Hi Libby



I didn't have a choice about her autopsy...they did it regardless of what I would have wanted cause she died an unusual death.   any suspicious death is done automatically.



I was not upset so much for the cutting open but later when the test going to the states got screwed up and they had to culture her cells, grow them to get DNA....I was pissed at that.  I felt she was violated enough....now you have to grow her cells cause someone screwed up.  and noone told me that till later....



we had her buried...and that I am not sure if I like that now.....cold ground and all. 



oh I just don't know anymore.....



do you have alot of flash backs to that horrible day?  reliving it.....not a day goes by that it doesn't come back to me somehow.  it is relentless....if only your memory was gone....but then I think I would miss her if it was gone.



I just wish the pain would go away.



take care



I know you are scared for the next few weeks that are coming....but I will be here...if you need to talk.  I wish I was pregnant at the same time....we could freak out together....



good night.



 

Libby - posted on 03/23/2009

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Quoting Paula:



Hey






my kids too are coming around but the fever persists off and on. 






I know what you mean about the results and how confusing you feel when you still don't know what happened.  I hope with the autopsy results that we know something.






I fear and they all tell me that you probably won't know anything.






see ya later, have to go






I hope that they can tell you something from the autopsy, if that's what you want.  I don't regret not having the autopsy, but I wonder if it would've shed any light on the subject.  It's six of one, half a dozen of another for me.  I don't have any answers, but for me it was the whole visual of her being cut into and stuff that really bothered me.  I had some moments too where I couldn't stand to think about her being creammated.  But the whole thing is confusing when you don't have any answers.  You just feel like a failure!

Libby - posted on 03/23/2009

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Quoting Paula:



Hey






my kids too are coming around but the fever persists off and on. 






I know what you mean about the results and how confusing you feel when you still don't know what happened.  I hope with the autopsy results that we know something.






I fear and they all tell me that you probably won't know anything.






see ya later, have to go






I hope that they can tell you something from the autopsy, if that's what you want.  I don't regret not having the autopsy, but I wonder if it would've shed any light on the subject.  It's six of one, half a dozen of another for me.  I don't have any answers, but for me it was the whole visual of her being cut into and stuff that really bothered me.  I had some moments too where I couldn't stand to think about her being creammated.  But the whole thing is confusing when you don't have any answers.  You just feel like a failure!

Libby - posted on 03/23/2009

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Quoting Josie:

I wish I could help you. I can only say that all you can do is try to relax. I lost 2 babies during the 1st trimester, 10 weeks and 6 weeks. I became pregnant again, made it through the 1st 3 months, and breathed a small sigh of relief. Because of my prior pregnancy loses and the previous loss of my 4 year old son, I was still constantly worried however and at 20 weeks he stopped moving. I went to the doctor and it was confirmed that he had died inside of me. I was induced and delivered. 13 months later I became pregnant again. I spent the 1st 3 months as motionless as possible, and the next 6 constantly aware of her position and movement and constantly terrified I would lose her too. I wondered if my body was even capable of producing a healthy baby. I am happy to say that she is a healthy 7 mo. old baby now, born at 8lbs. 7oz, 20.5 in, APGAR 9-10. I tell you all of this because I want you and anyone else who reads this to know that it is possible to finally have that baby you have been waiting for. The pregnancy will be utterly terrifying. We don't live in that wonderful naive world where our children are born and live to bury us someday. We see the world through different eyes. All you can do is put your feet up as much as you can, tell your baby you love him or her, rub your belly, cry, and get through the next several months the best you can. You must be a strong woman to have lived through all you have. You can do it and you can have a healthy baby.


Thanks for the reply Josie.  Well, I haven't suffered any where near what you have with all of your losses.  I know I can have a healthy baby because I have in the past.  It's just getting to that point that is so scarey for us now.  After a preemie and then a stillborn it is hard not to be scared about every little pain and stuff.  I'm trying the best I can to stay positive.  I'm ok now.  For me it's not the first trimester that I have problems, it's the 2nd.  So, I'm going to be in that 2nd trimester in a couple weeks and that when I'll be freakin out.  Or maybe not.  We'll just have to see how things go.  Thanks for your support.  You are definetly a strong woman yourself!!

Josie - posted on 03/22/2009

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I wish I could help you. I can only say that all you can do is try to relax. I lost 2 babies during the 1st trimester, 10 weeks and 6 weeks. I became pregnant again, made it through the 1st 3 months, and breathed a small sigh of relief. Because of my prior pregnancy loses and the previous loss of my 4 year old son, I was still constantly worried however and at 20 weeks he stopped moving. I went to the doctor and it was confirmed that he had died inside of me. I was induced and delivered. 13 months later I became pregnant again. I spent the 1st 3 months as motionless as possible, and the next 6 constantly aware of her position and movement and constantly terrified I would lose her too. I wondered if my body was even capable of producing a healthy baby. I am happy to say that she is a healthy 7 mo. old baby now, born at 8lbs. 7oz, 20.5 in, APGAR 9-10. I tell you all of this because I want you and anyone else who reads this to know that it is possible to finally have that baby you have been waiting for. The pregnancy will be utterly terrifying. We don't live in that wonderful naive world where our children are born and live to bury us someday. We see the world through different eyes. All you can do is put your feet up as much as you can, tell your baby you love him or her, rub your belly, cry, and get through the next several months the best you can. You must be a strong woman to have lived through all you have. You can do it and you can have a healthy baby.

Paula - posted on 03/22/2009

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Hey



my kids too are coming around but the fever persists off and on. 



I know what you mean about the results and how confusing you feel when you still don't know what happened.  I hope with the autopsy results that we know something.



I fear and they all tell me that you probably won't know anything.



see ya later, have to go

Libby - posted on 03/21/2009

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Sounds like you have a lot of mixed emotions about the results.  It's confusing, isn't it?  When I had some tests done on me after I lost my daughter, and they said I was ok, I was so frustrated.  I really really thought once I had the results that I would feel better.  But I felt worse.  It made me pretty depressed to not have any answers as to why she had to die.  I emotionally ate for like over a week.  So, don't be surprised if you find yourself having a reaction to the news, or lack of news.  It's all very confusing because nobody can tell us what happened or why our bodies failed us. 



 



Well, the nausea is ok.  Just trying to take Maalox for it.  Now that you say about the meds I remembered that I have some meds for nausea that I got last pregnancy.  I'll have to find them.  I think they're in my purse. 



 



Well, the little one is better.  It took him 4-5 days to feel back to himself again.  He was just worn down and had a lack of appetite and seemed a little icky tummy for a couple of days.  It wasn't anything too bad thank goodness.  We all had the flu during my last pregnancy and I was really hoping we weren't gonna pass that around again! 



 



Well, gonna go relax for a bit.  Hope you're having a good weekend. 

Paula - posted on 03/18/2009

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Hey



the genetic results...well came back sort of with nothing...the microarray test was negative for any deletions or additions of any genes on chromosone 1.  so basically that is a "I still don't know what is wrong and why she died " kind of answer.



it could still be genetic in a sense that a mutation could have occured or a recessive defect past on which is still a possibility....but really they don't know and untill the autopsy comes back they can't tell.  and she tells me probably they won't be able to tell.....



what was really hard...was being told that there could be a 1-25 % chance of it happening....again depending on what reason it was but there is not test that can tell us which one....the mutation one or the ressesive one....or something else....so its a gamble....



I like the 1 %....



the autopsy ....she talked to pathologist....and he is alsmot done...one more month, then it goes to coronor and he preps the final report.....so maybe another month...



so maybe by June.....hopefully



so I guess we should just accept we will never know.  I hope with this that my husband doesn't see these weird remarks of the 1- 25 % as bad....when I see it as its such a shot in the dark....that they don't even know....so how can these potencial % really be right.



there is nothing I could do to make it better or easier....so for me...I am so ready to try again.



I guess we wait and see



but really ....oh hell I just don't know.



I hope all is going well with you....nausea not so bad...taking anything for it?  I had to take meds...cause the puking was too much.



so your little one...sick too. this virus or what ever it is...is so hard....fever , chills, snotty nose, cough....ahh man.  I pray it passes soon.



take care.



 



 

Libby - posted on 03/17/2009

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Hi Stephanie!  Yes, it is really hard not to worry.  Especially when you get to that point when something happened, or started to happened, or you lost the baby in the previous pregnancy.  My problems start at the beginning of my 2nd trimester.  My 2 son was born early at 30 weeks.  I lost my daughter at 20 weeks.  I would've given anything to make it 10 more weeks with her.  But I think the 2nd trimester is going to be my weak point.  I just want to get to 25 weeks or more.  I am going to get steroids for this baby's lungs (even if I'm not having any problems).  I just want this baby to have a chance.  I don't even know if I will have problems or an early baby, but I guess I just have it in my head that I will.  My babies seem to get earlier and earlier.  My first son was 2 1/2 weeks early, 2nd son was 10 weeks early, my daughter was 20 weeks early b/c of complications similar (not exact) to my 2nd pregnancy.  I sorta just want this pregnancy to go fast.  I want to enjoy it b/c it may be the last baby I ever have.  But I just want to get to the baby part.  I am so glad I got to see the hearbeat last time.  I have a feeling at my next appointment that I will also get to have another ultrasound.  My doctor is thorough, so we'll be doing a lot of ultrasounds to check the baby and I would say to make sure there are no bleeds that I'm not aware of.  I understand you being nervous.  Hang in there!!!

Stephanie - posted on 03/17/2009

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hey, i just read further and saw that you got to see your babys tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound!! thats wonderful!!  Im so happy for you!! with my miscarriage i found out i had lost the baby when i went in and they found no heart beat. i go in next wednesday to look for this babys heartbeat..i will be seven weeks then , so i am nervous about that, but excited as well because i think things are going alright this time around.

Stephanie - posted on 03/17/2009

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wow, i am going through a similar process..i think you actually wrote me when i found out i was pregnant again..all i can say is that i understand. i am six weeks pregnant and i lost my last child when i was only seven weeks. i am terrified going into my seventh week this time.  i know that every time my back hurts i get nervous (because i had back pain before my miscarriage last time, and anything new, of course i worry about. i don't think there really is a way to not let your mind go there, because the pregnancy affects your whole body. i would just say to pray for assurance whenever you get scared, or worried. do the things you know to do, (or not to do) and try to place your faith on the lord to get you and the baby through it. it won't take away all of the worries, but it will help some. ill pray for you too.



Stephanie

Libby - posted on 03/17/2009

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I'm sorry your nervous about the genetic testing results.  Please let me know how they turn out.  I'm sure it will be a very confusing time for you.  My thoughts are with you.



My youngest son was sick all weekend too.  He literally laid on the couch all day on Saturday.  His belly hasn't felt very good for about 4-5 days.  Our poor little ones!!



I think I do the prescreening tests because I am aware they have a lot of false positives.  But also especially because I've had a lot of problems in the past and I guess I just wonder if it would ever shed any light on anything.  I also tend to feel like if something is/could be wrong that I might have some forewarning, and maybe I could be prepared. 



Well, I haven't puked at all, but have been nauseous quite a bit.  I was nauseous a lot my last pregnancy.  I would throw up during my 1st pregnancy when I ate eggs or got a real bad migraine.  I can't really remember being sick during my 2nd pregnancy.  I had a lot of complications during that pregnancy too, but just don't really remember ever being sick.  I have noticed with this pregnancy and with the last one, that if I get too hungry I get nauseous.  Also, sometimes I find myself eating and I have to spit food out b/c I feel like if I swallow it that I will throw up.  That hasn't happened very many times this pregnancy, but it happened quite a few last time.  If this pregnancy mimics my last one then I should be getting over this part of it hopefully soon.  Hopefully I don't mimic anything else from the last pregnancy though!  Oh, and I'm tired too.  Exhausted more like it.  I have had some restless nights this pregnancy (as well as last pregnancy), but I remember getting over that part of it too last time.  Hopefully that will end soon b/c I don't feel like I want to do a thing!!  I could nap all day!!  LOL



Well, gonna relax before I go pick up my son from school.  I think I'm gonna walk to pick him up.  It's a beautiful day outside so maybe that will perk me up!

Paula - posted on 03/16/2009

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Hi



everyone is sleeping...and yet I am not.  it midnight....almost.  we have our meeting with the genetic people from the hospital....they have results for us....I am nervous and yet not nervous.



I almost just want to prove to my husband that this shouldn't or couldn't happen again....and then maybe his views on having another baby will change.



My daughter is sick....fever and such which is a constant worry....I know this is just a virus....but seeing your little one curled up on the couch....holding her teddy....is just not how a 5 year old should be.



so the prescreen tests are a choice...that is good.



here it is too....but highly recommended...past 30.  I too would not choose amnio....I think if you are not willing to terminate if you get bad results then why know?



and why risk it...



10 weeks already....so awesome.  are you puking much? nausea? heartburn?



did you have much of that with your other babies?



I have to tell you....with my first two....I was sick puking, nausea...and back pain.



my last one....Narmeen....I was not sick, no nausea, no puking.....it was the best pregnancy ever.  I wonder why?



did she know....really what was going to happen....so that way...give mom a good pregnancy....cause she will have a hard enough time after???



I know don't...does't make sense does it.



well....take care...have to sleep.



P:



 



 

Libby - posted on 03/16/2009

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Shelly, for me the hard part will be getting through the 2nd trimester.  I've had complications in the last two of my pregnancies starting right at the beginning of the 2nd tri.  My first pregnancy was so text book and easy, I loved it!  My 2nd son ended up being born 10 weeks early.  My daughter was still born in December at 20 weeks.  So, for me, it's getting to a place in my pregnancy where I know if my child is born early that he or she will be able to survive.  I can handle a preemie!  I've done it before, I can do it again.  I'm hoping that doesn't happen, but I want that to be my worst case scenario this time.  It never crossed my mind last pregnancy that we would lose our daughter.  I thought for sure we'd have another preemie. 



 



I'm almost 10 weeks.  Which is almost a 1/4th of the way done!!  And half way to where I lost my daughter.  I think once I get to my 2nd trimester and even past the 20 week mark I might be able to be more excited.  It's hard not to worry, but we're taking some extra precautions.  Hopefully that's all we need to do!! 



 



Good luck with your pregnancy!  And yes, peace of mind would be wonderful!!

Shelly - posted on 03/15/2009

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I too am on my fourth pregnancy with a loss at 37 weeks for my third pregnancy. My advice to you is to set small milestones. If you have little things to look forward to regularly, then you will be able to cope a little better.

It is nerve wracking, but all we can do is hope for the best and (if you are the praying type) pray.

I have been doing better since I have been keeping myself as busy as I can. I am nearly seventeen weeks now and the nerves are alright. I am pretty sure that I will be a basket case as things get further. I pray that we all have peace of mind in the future.

Libby - posted on 03/15/2009

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Ugh, so I started a reply then I don't know what happened to my computer but I lost it.  So, let me think what I already wrote. 



 



Well, I know I said that I was just trying to convince myself it was a boy so that if they didn't say it was a girl that I won't be disappointed.  I don't know that I have a sense of what it is at all.  I guess I just don't want to guess.  I just want someone to tell me.  And yes, in my heart of hearts, I just want a healthy baby.  I just want this baby to live.  I'm afraid to say that I can't go through that again because then maybe I'll jinx it and God will make me go through it again to prove me wrong.  So, just pretend I never said that.  LOL



 



I've done the quad screening with each pregnancy.  I get a choice (I live in Ohio).  I know there are false negatives so I just take it in stride and see what they can find from it.  With my oldest it came back that he was high risk for Spinabifida.  My doc did a lot of ultrasounds and ruled it out.  With Trina, the quadscreen came back with down syndrome.  I told my doctor I would not have an amnio.  I didn't want to add any more risks to an already complicated pregnancy.  First of all, you can't change the outcome of down syndrome, and we wouldn't ever choose to abort.  Also, my placeta was attached to the front of my uterus, which makes an amnio much more riskier to try to stick in there without hitting the placenta.  So, it wasn't even really anything for us to consider at this point. 



 



I will definetly post pics when I figure out how!  LOL.  I have added my 1st ultrasound to my main facebook page, so check that out if you can.  It's basically just a little dot of a baby at that point.  I can't wait to get more ultrasounds and see this little one growing inside!!  It makes it all real.  I'm still trying to figure out this facebook thing, so once I figure out how to post pics here on circle of moms I'll do that too when I get more pics.  Well, gonna relax, so talk to you later.

Paula - posted on 03/14/2009

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hey



its not wrong to want a girl...everyones knows in your heart of heart that healthy is what you want.  if its a girl then bonus...but if you feel its a boy....then ok too.



I think the same thing about him going to counselling. 



today things went slow....spent the day with the kids...my husband was working and I went to the mall....hit the dollar store.  I love that store....where else can you get shit for a dollar....and not worry cause the kids broke it.



I take it your in the states....but do they run the prescreen on all women or only those who are older than 30 or have had issues?



I don't think I remember where your from.  here in Ontario....canada....they run it after 30 automatically unless there was downs in the family or spina bifida then they would run it regardless.



I think you had the test? thats why they checked the spine...all ok.



would you have done a amniocentesis?



this is something I wonder about....when on tues we go for the results of the genetic testing.  if and when Riz decides to have a baby....would I do this test and would I go for an amnio....I wonder.  I don't think so....I wouldn't risk it.



what are your thoughts about this?



I had a friend at work have one....all was ok no problems.  she was told downs was a 60 % chance.  baby is normal. 



well you have a good night.



when you go for the ultrasound....put some pics of it up....let us see this little one.



I am so happy for you....I truly am.



I know someone....face this after the tragedy was are facing....and dealing with it....I am proud.  feels like there is hope.

Libby - posted on 03/14/2009

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I think he should go to the couples counseling because he needs to know how to deal with you and how to deal with his grief when it creeps back up on him in the future.  I think it's a good idea 



 



Yes, I think fifths disease is just a virus.  It's in the same family as mumps/measles.  There's no way to treat it, you just let it run its course.  But it would be nice if we knew if he had it or not.  Well, whatever.  It's just frustrating. 



 



I'm not sure when my next ultrasound is.  If I had to guess I would probably say he might do another one on the 31st at my next appointment.  I will be around 11 weeks and if they can't find the heartbeat on the doppler he might do another ultrasound just to ease my mind.  He did that last pregnancy, so it wouldn't be a leap for him to do it this time around.  He has an ultrasound tech in his office, so he can pretty much give me an ultrasound whenever he wants.  And then I would say perphaps two months after that I will get another ultrasound to see the sex of the baby.  I'm a little nervous about that though.  I have it in my head that this baby is a boy.  I think if I say that now that I won't be disappointed if they don't say it's a girl.  Even though I really want a girl.  So, I feel really selfish about that because as long as this baby is healthy then I'll be happy.  But I really do want a girl that I can take care of on this earth.  I don't know if that's wrong or not.

Paula - posted on 03/13/2009

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Hi



almost there....keep it going.  is the 5th disease a virus....is that why there is nothing to do? still would be nice to know if he does have it or not...so to put your mind at ease.



went to the funeral home....to approve the wording on the grave marker....it will be put in may - june when the ground is completly thaw.



still so much snow there.



I have not been back to the cemetary....since her burial.  my husband ...just now told me after I told him what happened today....that when its ready we should go and see her....the marker and such.  I think so too.



so do you think he still should come the the couples grief counselling...even if he says he is over it....just so he knows what is going on with me??



I think so...



well take care



when is your next ultrasound?



 

Libby - posted on 03/13/2009

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Quoting Kylie:

you don't, you go with what your' feeling and you see the doc just to settle your tension, even a small reassurance is better than none, i've had 3 pregnancies since we lost our daughter and i know this is how i got through this, the other things is to be in control of some of the decisions that doctors take for granted, taking and making decisoions will give you some additional comfort, i found this to help anyway. take care xxx



I have discussed several things with the dr so I can plan ahead.  It just helps to ease my mind that I have sort of an idea on what we're going to do.  Like for example, I asked the dr if I'm going to get the steroids for the baby's lungs, even if I'm not having any problems before that, he said we could do that.  I also discussed with him about if I needed to go back to the specialist and he said not unless I have any problems.  I'm so glad for that, I don't want to have to go back to him unless absolutely necessary.  So, those are some of the things I can try to make decisions on this early in the pregnancy.  I am 9 weeks today!!  I can't wait til next week b/c then I'll be 1/4th of the way through.  It just seems like a milestone to me.  Very excited!

Kylie - posted on 03/12/2009

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you don't, you go with what your' feeling and you see the doc just to settle your tension, even a small reassurance is better than none, i've had 3 pregnancies since we lost our daughter and i know this is how i got through this, the other things is to be in control of some of the decisions that doctors take for granted, taking and making decisoions will give you some additional comfort, i found this to help anyway. take care xxx

Libby - posted on 03/12/2009

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I was thinking about what you said about your husband saying he's over it, or however he said it.  The truth is, I sailed through the first year of my nephew's death.  After the first year is when it got harder.  I thought I was ok, I felt ok, I made myself ok, but it was harder than I thought after that first anniversary came around.  I read some where that sometimes the first year is the easiest, and actually after the first or even second anniversary is when it gets harder.  So, I wouldn't be surprised if that's what happens to your hubby.  I would say let him be ok.  Give him this time to feel like he's ok because later he might not.  Don't take the only time away from him where he might feel somewhat normal.  I know it's hard to think he's over it, but I'm sure you know deep down he's not.  Just try to be as supportive as possible.  I'm sure it stings to hear him say that.  But please don't hold it against him.



 



Well, nothing has come about the Fifths Disease thing.  My husband went to the doctor and she told him even if it was that, that there wasn't anything she could do about it.  I was mad she didn't do a blood test though to find out for sure.  I know there's no medicines or anything but it would've been nice to know what I needed to do.  Guess I'll just leave it up to my doctor. 



 



Well, sorry your counseling didn't work out very well yesterday.  Just give it more time.  And I agree with what your counselor said, that your waiting anyway for another baby.  So, just agree to wait.  You need to reconnect with your hubby.  I know it's hard not to have any time frame.  But there really isn't a science to this, so no one is going to be able to tell you how long to take to work on things with him.  Just keep working at it. 

Paula - posted on 03/11/2009

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Hey



wow you had a busy day....I hope the whole 5th disease goes away and is not really that at all.  I heard about that with some of the moms on circle of moms who had complications....



people at work were kind and just let me cry.  then we sat int he lunch room and talked...till I could stop crying.



small group.  the word spread...so once I made it upstairs...everyone was either looking at me, commenting, or giving me hugs.



was ok....sincere.



as for the counselling today....well.  I had the first lady...single one at 10:15 and then would go to the couples one at 11. 



wellt he single one was behind on her appts so I only got in at 10:50.  I told her that I was seeing the other doc at 11.  she said it was ok...that she would be told.



so I go in there...mad that she is late and fucking with my day.  we talked....she said not to concentrate on having another baby....give it 6 months. 



told her I was scared that in 6 months it would be the same with him....and I would have waited....she said well you are wainting anyway....but now you are driving him away....



she said we needed to go on dates every week....to reconnect.   sheesh



I told her the last time we went on a date...it was weird....and fake.



she said go anyway.



then at 11:30 I finish there...and we go to the other couples one.



she said we could only do 30 min cause I was late...and she had someone at noon.



I said it wasn't me....she said it happens.



so we get in there...



she talks about how this is suppose to be for grief only and not other issues.  She suggests getting another counsellor for issues that don't retain to grief.  we both agreed.



So she asked him....what he thought about all of this and what he wanted out of it.



well....then the bomb hit.



he said he really doesn't need it ...really cause he is fine. his grief is over....



I was so blown by this I could have puked.



I told her....this is not good.  how is he going to know what is going on....in the grief...if he feels he is done?



so it sort of came out like he would come....only to hear me....but really he is done.



I don't know what to say with that.  I think it is bull.



she said maybe for now he is done....but later it might come back to hit him



so...she kept focusing on me....saying only think of your grief...not his.  part of my healing is him awknowledging this with me and if he thinks he is over...does that mean he will disregard what is happeneing with me?



he doesn't give support now...so what about later....it might be worse.



I just don't know.



well I work tomorrow....so I should get to bed.



 



you take care...



let me know what they do with this 5th disease thing....



see ya



 



 



 



 

Libby - posted on 03/11/2009

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Oh my day was stressful from the start.  Woke up late, so had grumpy boys b/c I was just like "hurry wake up...we're late!"  Then Sebastian spilled his cereal, so he had to change his clothes before we left.  Then I take Julian to school an hour later and when he had his coat on to leave he said something about he pooped his pants.  Well, he really didn't, but he had to go to the bathroom really bad.  At first I was mad b/c I thought I had to change another kid just to get out the door.  So, kids off to school and thought I was gonna come home to rest.  Well, I tried, and did a little.  But then had to take care of a bill.  Got some stuff in the mail that I didn't understand so had to call my lawyer (and figures he called back when we were at dinner).  Then called my doctor's office to ask them about my pap smear from last week and tell them I had been potentially exposed to Fifths Disease.  So, found out I have another bacterial infection (had one last pregnancy too, never had them before that I know of).  So, was a little worried about that because I wondered after I lost my daughter if that infection ever really went away.  I know if you don't treat it that it can cause miscarriage.  But I did treat it, but was never recultured.  So, I told the nurse I want to see if the doc will reculture me when I go back at the end of the month so I know that that will not contribut to anything.  With the Fifths Disease she just said to stay away from the little girl who had it.  Well, I already knew that.  Once we found out she had it I haven't seen her since.  But then my husband texted me from work and said he had a rash on his arm.  So, I thought maybe we gave him the Fifths Disease even though my son and I weren't showing any symptoms of it (read online that it is possible).  Plus, he was sick in bed all day Sunday, which is the first symptoms of this, and then a rash.  So, this is either purely coincidental or he has it.  But he's going to the doctor this morning to see.  Because if he has it then either Julian or I have it.  And if I have it, it can cause the baby to become severely anemic and possibly die.  Or it could do absolutely nothing.  But I don't need any more complications than what my body might already do on its own.  That's why I'm already taking extra precautions with taking extra folic acid, baby aspirin, and I decided no sex.  Just not taking any chances.  Then, my day ended with the little girl's mom (that I babysit) sending me a text asking if she can drop her daughter off early on Friday and Saturday.  And let me tell you, it was SUPER early.  I told her we could work something out, but I didn't want to make this a regular thing and explained that we just found out I was pregnant and I didn't want to over exhaust myself.  I need to have some boundaries.  Well, this morning she texts me and told me she didn't need to drop her off early anymore.  The whole thing was b/c the girl's dad was mad at her mom (they are not together) so he told her to just bring her over here in the morning instead of to his house.  He usually brings her when he goes to work b/c mom's job starts early.  Anyway, hopefully that will work itself out b/c I do no want to get up early, especially on a Saturday. 



 



Ok, so enough about my rough day.  Wow, that's weird that you had that presentation at work yesterday.  I'm sure it was rough.  That was sweet of your friends to try to comfort you.  I'm not sure I would've liked people around me though.  I usually just like to try to handle it myself (if my hubby isn't around).  I don't like people falling all over me and trying to make me better.  I'm not sure why.  I guess because I know there's really nothing they can do to make me feel better.  I just need the time to get over it in private.  I haven't really had any situations like that but I also haven't really shown much emotion in front of anybody except my husband and my mom.  Maybe that's why people tell me they admire me because I'm so strong.  And my response to them is...I'm really not.  I don't want them to admire me for my strength b/c what they look at as a strength I look at as weakness. 



 



Well, let me know how counseling goes.  Good luck.  I know it's been tough.  Hang in there.

Paula - posted on 03/10/2009

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Hi



why was your day stressfull?



I had one of those too....but it ended being ok in the end.  At work...which I am going back part time for now....I work in a animal hospital as a tech....and they had a speaker come and give a talk on ....what to offer the client when a pet has died.



so the director of the funeral home int he city...that now has bereavment for pets added to their services came and spoke.



they have a one hour presentation for professionals and a two hour one for clients...people who have lost thier pets.



so he goes through what to expect from client...the grief....the mourning....



so far I was teary eyed....but ok.



then the director mentions momentoes....things you can do for them, locks of hair, paw prints...etc....



he then goes on the say on the humane side we offer hand and foot print in clay to the parents of little babies....and hair clips...and momento boxes....



well the whole imgae of her box and feet and hand prints came woooshing back to me like a slap....



I ran out of our boardroom....crying my eyes out.



the man talking didn't know what to do....



friends came to console....thank god.



mentioned on how strong and that is was good for me to be there...



they were sweet....



I stayed ont he couch at work for over an hour...sobbing off and on....with them all.



then managed to go back to work....even though my face was puffy and blotchy....



was a rough day yet a ok one.



let me know how you are?



see ya



 



 



 



 

Libby - posted on 03/10/2009

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Quoting Paula:



thank you....for listening....is nice to have advice from someone who really knows.  someone to vent off too....who knows what is means when I say it aches inside.






I hope our counselling works this wed....






will update you then






thanks again.






 





You don't have to thank me for listening.  In fact, you've listened soooo much to me lately too.  It's kind of a give and take.  But I think for me that the listening and trying to give advice or whatever is just a way to help me heal (especially if I can help someone else heal too).  I totally know what you mean about needing to vent.  So, whenever you need to, please do!  And yes, I know about that ache inside.  It's a horrible empty ache that causes so much pain.  Well, let me know how things go tomorrow.  I'm having a stressful day.  Just got a bunch of things going on.

Paula - posted on 03/09/2009

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thank you....for listening....is nice to have advice from someone who really knows.  someone to vent off too....who knows what is means when I say it aches inside.



I hope our counselling works this wed....



will update you then



thanks again.



 

Libby - posted on 03/09/2009

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Quoting Paula:



HI Libby






I am so happy for you...hearing the heart beat must have been so awesome.  sounds like everything is going well....and I pray all continues that way.






all of what you said about the fears of losing my husband....future babies...is so true.  I strungle everyday wondering what new things he will tell me....that he is giving up or what.  he seems to think that if I am not happy with him becuase he has decided that he doesn't want anymore children....that living with a wife who is not happy with him....well he would rather not.






what can I say about this....he is making this decision....that affects us both.  my happiness is on rocky ground.  I don't know how I can be happy.....staying with him and not having another baby.  yet if I leave him I still don't have a baby.  I pray that a baby arrives every month....even though he uses condoms....I pray every month they fail. 






we don't really have a romantic life....not really.  I think he avoids me....that way in case....why play with fire I suppose.






so I am stuck.....I want a baby so badly....






if I give him time....which I can but how long.  a year or two....I am 37 ....how long can I wait.






if I knew it was a matter of waiting a year....I would.  if I knew that he would say yes....and that by next feb or march we would try.....I so could do that. 






but with him saying no....and not giving much reasons why.....I don't know what to do.






the more he sees me upset about his decision....the more he pulls aways....figuring she doesn't want to be with me if there is no baby.






its so sad....this whole mess.






he said the other night that a baby would be too much work. 






ohhh....how could he say that....knowing our little girl is gone.  I would work to the bone....if I could have her back.  how can anyone say its too much work....such a precious child.






we live together.....like roommates....I hate this so much.






he wants me to be like before...we can't....we are different....this whole thing changes you.






how can it not.






where do we go from here...I don't know.  we have counselling wed.....I guess we will have to see.






I wish my husband was like yours....willing and comforting....






good luck, and keep me posted.






 





I wish your husband could be what you needed him to be.  I know that all husbands respond differently to grief.  What was your marriage like before this happened?  I would have to say my husband wasn't willing and comforting.  In fact,  year ago I was pretty stressed about our marriage.  I felt he wasn't listening to my concerns and he didn't communicate very well.  Now I look back on that and feel pretty silly for feeling that way because he is exactly the husband I want/need him to be right now.  But that doesn't mean you give up on your husband.  I know you don't want to.  So, don't let his attitude about this cause you to ever give up. 



 



You are right...this does change a person.  Unfortunately this may have changed your husband for the worst....right now.  But it doesn't mean that through his grieving process that he won't change again.  We never stop grieving, we never stop learning from this, we will never stop hurting either.  Perhaps he just doesn't know how to live with the hurt yet. 




Maybe that's why he is afraid to try again because he doesn't know how to deal with the pain now, so what if it were to happen again?  It makes sense to have that fear.  I know my husband was afraid to try for our 3rd child after I hade a difficult 2nd pregnancy and our son was born 10 weeks early.  It was up to that point in our lives, the hardest thing we had ever been through.  So, he was afraid that might happen again, and it was a very VALID concern.  That's why I was so taken back when he agreed to try for a 4th baby after we lost our daughter.  It seemed to me that he would be afraid we would lose another child and it doesn't mean he's not afraid of that, it just means he is looking at the bigger picture.  It's REALLY hard to see that big picture from inside this bubble of grief.  It really is all up to God though.  I know that can sound so trite at times.  For awhile I was tired of hearing about God.  I mean, He had my daughter, the daughter that I wanted so badly, I didn't want to hear about Him, it sorta stung.  But God has been working on me and my husband these last few months.  My husband has decided he wants to be a fireman.  And we decided to continue to let our family grow through God.  We had no idea it would happen so soon.  And I don't know that if we hadn't lost our daughter and had to experience some big hard changes, that he would've decided to do something so great with his life, like becoming a fireman.



 



I wish I had a magic word you could say to your husband and he would see and feel things differently.  But he just isn't processing things the same as you are right now.  Which probably scares the hell out of you because, after all, you experienced the loss too.  Which probably makes you feel really alone right now.  You are not alone!  I am definetly here for you.  I went to a support group a couple of weeks ago for the first time and it was something I definetly needed to do.  Maybe you should find a group, and maybe your husband would benefit from it too. 



 



If I can over a little more bit of advice at this point it would be to stop praying for a baby, and pray for your marriage instead.  You may be praying for both, but at this point I think the more dire prayer is definetly needed for your marriage.  I will continue to pray as well.  I want God to touch your husband and show him that this is worth working on even though it hurts so badly right now.  The marriage isn't what is broken, it is our hearts that are broken.  I think you could help each other mend if you just knew how.  Hopefully by continuing with counseling and finding a support group or something will help both of you see that people do mend and continue to move forward with their lives.  It doesn't mean we will ever forget our little ones, but we do have to keep living for them. 

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