4th pregnancy...need advice

Paula - posted on 03/09/2009

HI Libby

I am so happy for you...hearing the heart beat must have been so awesome.  sounds like everything is going well....and I pray all continues that way.

all of what you said about the fears of losing my husband....future babies...is so true.  I strungle everyday wondering what new things he will tell me....that he is giving up or what.  he seems to think that if I am not happy with him becuase he has decided that he doesn't want anymore children....that living with a wife who is not happy with him....well he would rather not.

what can I say about this....he is making this decision....that affects us both.  my happiness is on rocky ground.  I don't know how I can be happy.....staying with him and not having another baby.  yet if I leave him I still don't have a baby.  I pray that a baby arrives every month....even though he uses condoms....I pray every month they fail. 

we don't really have a romantic life....not really.  I think he avoids me....that way in case....why play with fire I suppose.

so I am stuck.....I want a baby so badly....

if I give him time....which I can but how long.  a year or two....I am 37 ....how long can I wait.

if I knew it was a matter of waiting a year....I would.  if I knew that he would say yes....and that by next feb or march we would try.....I so could do that. 

but with him saying no....and not giving much reasons why.....I don't know what to do.

the more he sees me upset about his decision....the more he pulls aways....figuring she doesn't want to be with me if there is no baby.

its so sad....this whole mess.

he said the other night that a baby would be too much work. 

ohhh....how could he say that....knowing our little girl is gone.  I would work to the bone....if I could have her back.  how can anyone say its too much work....such a precious child.

we live together.....like roommates....I hate this so much.

he wants me to be like before...we can't....we are different....this whole thing changes you.

how can it not.

where do we go from here...I don't know.  we have counselling wed.....I guess we will have to see.

I wish my husband was like yours....willing and comforting....

good luck, and keep me posted.

Libby - posted on 03/04/2009

Quoting Lara:

You have every right to worry Libby.  We moms are good at that.  I have one daughter who is 9, we had 4 miscarriages, and then a boy who is 1.  With the last pregnancy, I worried about everything!! I was constantly getting ultrasounds (we had 13) and checking the heartbeat in the doc's office when I was afraid.  It is natural to be concerned, worried, afraid, emotional, etc. I would say that if you weren't at least one of these you would be numb. The only thing that really helped me, besides going to the doc for fetal monitoring, was knowing that I could only do what I could do and I had to leave the rest to God.  I am not in control anyway so I had to at least try to let Him handle it. He will no matter how it ends.  And if we rely on Him He will get us through it also. I hope this doesn't sound too preachy but it's the only advice I know.  Hang in there and know that you are doing what you can and that's all you can do.

Lara

I worry a lot!  It's really hard not to.  Now after losing a child, I worry about losing more.  Not just losing my current pregnancy, but also losing my living children.  I just got my first ultrasound and I know I will have a lot this time pregnancy too.  Even with my first uncomplicated pregnancy I had several because my quad screen came back that my son was high risk for spinabifida.  So, the doctor kept close tabs on his spine until he was satisfied with what he was seeing.  And then the last two pregnancies, well I just had a million b/c of the complications.  Even with my last pregnancy I made the mistake of going to the ER because of  bleeding and when the ER doc couldn't find the heartbeat I wanted an ultrasound, and he didn't want to give me one.  I insisted and then called my doctor, and he insisted I get one.  I guess I am just used to a certain level of care and when I wasn't getting that from the ER doc I wasn't going to settle.  I had to know if my baby was dead or alive. 

You are right, I can only do what I can do.  And I am going to do those things that I can do, and the rest I have to leave up to God.  No, what you said didn't sound preachy.  I totally understood what you were saying.  I am going to rely on Him.  I have been praying daily about this baby since I first found out about it.  I prayed about the other baby too, which I ultimately lost, so it makes praying for this one that much harder.  But I know that God wants me to be diligent and obedient when it comes to praying about this.  I am going to do that.  I am going to do everything I can!

Libby - posted on 03/04/2009

Quoting Paula:

Hey

let me know how it went...and di you see the baby move and heart beat and everything.

we went to counselling today my husband and I....it went.  when the therapist talks all makes sense....yet when I am I home and the ache starts and when the crying and pain start the logical part of what she says goes out the window.

he mentioned today that he thinks this will end us....I was so sad.

so we continue ...every week....till when well I don't know.

you take care

Well, the appointment went great!  I had an ultrasound, as I figured I would.  I measured at 6 weeks and 2 days (according to period I'm at 7 weeks & 5 days), but didn't change my due date at this point.  And I'm honestly not surprised.  When I tested at day 33 & 36 and it came back negative I figured I wasn't pregnant.  Then I tested at day 43 and it was positive.  I don't generally have a regular 28-30 day cycle anyway, so I probably ovulated about a week later than what you would expect.  Anyway, the best part is I got to see my little baby.  Obviously he/she was very tiny, just a little speck on the screen.  But a speck with a beating heart!  They said the heart rate was strong for being so early, 128.  The doctor also said things are looking good.  I was a little worried about my lining since I only had one period, but the US girl said it was over 1cm and when they're too thin she said it's usually under .6cm.  So, I'm happy about that.  I was a little worried maybe things happened to soon and my body wouldn't be able to handle the pregnancy, but so far so good.  I'm also taking extra folic acid and baby aspirin as just a precaution since I've had problems in the last two pregnancies.  I also told the doctor that I wasn't going to have sex.  He said I could if I wanted.  He even said I could after the 2nd trimester started or I could wait till after week 20.  BUT I don't think I will be comfortable at any point.  My problems start at the beginning of my 2nd trimester.  I just figured it out and my problems started at 13 1/2 weeks this last time.  So, definetly not looking forward to my 2nd trimester.  But I'm hoping with the precaution I am taking and then the extra medications that I will have a GREAT outcome.  Plus, we discussed getting the steroids for the baby's lungs between 25-28 weeks as a just incase thing even if I am not having any complications at that point.  That is really important to me because I had my 2nd son at 30 weeks and I think had I not gotten that injection at 25 weeks his stay in the NICU probably would've been longer than 6 weeks.  He could've been sick and had breathing complications, but he didn't and now he's a healthy 4 1/2 year old!  So, all in all, I know I will have the best care possible.  My doctor is awesome!  I go back in 4 weeks.  And I will probably get lots of ultrasounds just to check on the baby and make sure that I don't have any bleeds that I don't know about.  But as of right now, no bleeds were detected and no spotting after my pap smear.  So, all is well and I'm feeling really great about this pregnancy. 

So, Paula, I am so shocked...why does your husband think this will end you?  That is horrible!  I am so sorry you have to go through this.  It truly does effect everybody differently.  And it also seems to effect marriages differently.  It made me see that all those little things that bother me aren't important.  I just want my husband.  I need him.  And I hope he needs me.  We have been very close through all of this.  I don't know how to tell you to get that with your husband.  I wish there was something I could tell you to do that would fix this.  I'm pretty sure you're afraid on many levels right now.  First that this is effecting your marriage so badly that it could cause it to end.  That shouldn't happen in a perfect world.  But as we know, things aren't perfect and are extremely unfair.  I would think that at this point you are worried about not having any more children.  I have just sensed your great desire to have more children, and right away.  And if things don't work its way out between you two, then that dream could also vanish.  I certainly don't want any of those things to happen to you.  But definetly keep going to counseling and work on this.  That's the only thing I can suggest at this point.  I know how badly you want another baby, but just give your husband some time to process what's going on in his head and his heart.  And don't forget that you are a different person now too.  You are a mother who has lost a child, that changes us down deep!  Give him some time to accept the new you.  It may take some time, hopefully he is willing to take that time. 

Well, keep me updated.  Thanks for listening and helping!

Lara - posted on 03/03/2009

You have every right to worry Libby.  We moms are good at that.  I have one daughter who is 9, we had 4 miscarriages, and then a boy who is 1.  With the last pregnancy, I worried about everything!! I was constantly getting ultrasounds (we had 13) and checking the heartbeat in the doc's office when I was afraid.  It is natural to be concerned, worried, afraid, emotional, etc. I would say that if you weren't at least one of these you would be numb. The only thing that really helped me, besides going to the doc for fetal monitoring, was knowing that I could only do what I could do and I had to leave the rest to God.  I am not in control anyway so I had to at least try to let Him handle it. He will no matter how it ends.  And if we rely on Him He will get us through it also. I hope this doesn't sound too preachy but it's the only advice I know.  Hang in there and know that you are doing what you can and that's all you can do.

Lara

Paula - posted on 03/02/2009

Hey

let me know how it went...and di you see the baby move and heart beat and everything.

we went to counselling today my husband and I....it went.  when the therapist talks all makes sense....yet when I am I home and the ache starts and when the crying and pain start the logical part of what she says goes out the window.

he mentioned today that he thinks this will end us....I was so sad.

so we continue ...every week....till when well I don't know.

you take care

Libby - posted on 03/02/2009

I'm sorry that your grief is dividing you.  It would make things so much easier if it would just bring you together.  That has been the best part of all of this, if there is a best part of something so awful, but my hubby and I just have this unspoken bond because of it.  I'm glad we told people about the new baby though.  I want everyone to try to be happy again, and happy for us.  But like I said, just leave me to my privacy for awhile.  I guess atleast until I get a feel for this pregnancy on how things are gonna go.  It's too early to tell right now.  I'm just a little over 7 weeks and if I am going to have problems they usually start in my 2nd trimester.  So, I think the 1st trimester will be ok.  I don't think I'll worry as much now.  But when that 2nd trimester comes I think I might be a little wacko!  LOL.  I go to the doctor tomorrow.  I will probably get an ultrasound.  I'm looking forward to that.  I just want to see that yes this is real!

Paula - posted on 03/01/2009

Hi

I know what you mean about laving your baby at the hospital....after I held her for hours...after she passed....and they let me take allt he time I needed....but yet it wasn't long enough...sort of cause when I said ok you can have her....the lady held her and I kissed her again...and then I would have wanted to keep her again.  they asked if I wanted her back....I said I won't let you have her at all....

our relationship was great until she passed....then his grief and mine are totally different that it has wedged us apart.

plus he doesn't want to try again now....so that pisses me off.

I know what you mean about now being pregnant...and not wanting people to comment....I would be the same.  its like give me space.

I think when the time comes....I won't tell people early at all.  I might have too cause of what I do....but I won't want too.

it does make sense...hands off all the way.

take care

I am glad you have pictures and held your baby....makes it more real. 

Libby - posted on 03/01/2009

Quoting Paula:

Hi

I started with kids late...I was 32.  I always wanted a big family.  becuase we never knew there was even a problem with her....I was totally unprepared. I don't know if you can be prepared for things like this....with you....being bed rest did things in your head get worst....did you fear the worst? waiting for doom?

I would think that would be worse maybe....waiting when things are bad to maybe have things go worse.

when she was born....it was a c-section only cause she was breach....all was normal.  I was followed closely due to hypertension and excessive amniotic fluid.....thought maybe I was diabetic.

the 27 days with her....was difficult in waves....first few days not knowing if she were to survive.  not being able to  hold her till day 8.

but when she made it out of ICU at day 17....I thought the only thing pending...was figuring out how to get her to eat and regulate her glucose.

the pending tests were coming in and nothing was ever conclusive.

the last test ...the MRI the day before showed a bleeder on the brain and her respiration and oxygenation was going weird that night.

when I went in to see her on the sunday....people were all around her bed.  she was on full O2...and desating....all the time.

those hours....from noon till 4....was the hardest I have ever done. pacing and waiting....they said they would take her for a CT....and she needed to be entubated.

well it didn't go well and the entubation was not for the test now but to save her life.

the weird part....is that they couldn't entubate....her throat anotomy was weird they said....yet....someone entubated her at birth and gave me 27 days. I think that person was an angel....she gave me 27 days.....with my Narmeen.

they performed a traechotomy.....but even with O2...and bagging...and everything...drugs...she was leaving.

I held her from 4 pm and she died 4:23....in my arms.

I wonder why almost everyday.

I prayed she would stay with me

I never knew pain could exist this way.

a parent should never have to tell a nurse to stop bagging and watch thier child leave this earth.....we should be going before them....

I had the babyshower two weeks prior to her birth....the room was full of all the gifts they gave us.  her room was filled with the clothes she would wear.

she did wear some clothes at the hospital the last few days.  I keep those in the bureau....and have not looked at them since.

I don't let anyone in the room much....I feel like its my space...and noone elses.

even though she never came home...it is her room.

with me being 37.....and this whole thing could be genetic....makes me want to try sooner than later.

my husband is 40....and this whole thing has rocked our world.....our marriage is rocky.

I have tried to convince him that having a baby would unite and solidify things....not because it would create a better us....but it would perhaps....make me a better person.  a solid person instead if a person whoes life has been torn apart.

will this make my grief be delayed....maybe but I think it might be easier in bits and pieces than all at once.

in your case....not having the chance to hold, and look at and see your baby eyes....how cruel I think that is. I don't know....how you can do it.

were you able to get pictures? did they let you see your baby? did they offer to let you hold your baby?

I am sorry as well....

this site....has all these moms....who never should have been in this boat....yet we are.  It is a sink or swim kind of boat....isn't it.

somedays I don't think I am swimming well at all.

I never was really sure how many kids I wanted.  I thought only two.  Then when we had our 1st, it seemed so perfect and I thought maybe we shouldn't tempt fate.  Maybe he should be our only one.  That feeling wore off and I definetly wanted another child.  I was 22 when my 1st was born, and a little more than 2 years later we had our second.  After I had him I knew I wanted more I always felt jipped.  I for some reason loved being pregnant, and because the 2nd pregnancy ended 10 weeks early, I just felt this desire to be a mother again.  To carry another child, to give birth to another child.  Even with the complications I had in the 2nd pregnancy, and then had a 10 week early preemie, I still longed to have another. 

But even though I had problems with the 3rd and had been on bedrest, I never though of the worst.  I NEVER thought we would lose her.  I thought the worst that would happen is we would have another preemie.  And I could do that!!  Before I had my 2nd child I didn't think I could do something like that, but after having gone through it, I knew I could!  So no, I never prepared myself for doom.  I didn't even know doom was possible until the day I had her.  I had an appointment with the specialist that morning.  I had started bleeding so heavily the day before.  Then when I went to the specialist and got an ultrasound her fluid was gone.  I knew what that meant.  I knew she couldn't survive without it.  I didn't know we would lose her the same day.  It happened so very fast.  I remember driving home from the appointment and having anxiety attacks.  I couldn't breathe.  I was sobbing uncontrolably.  My husband tried to be supportive, telling me we wasn't sure what was going to happen.  But she was only 20 weeks along.  She couldn't survive long enough without fluid to make it far enough where she had any chance of surival outside of me.  My appointment was at 10am that day...I went to the hospital at 3:30pm due to cramping/contractions, I delivered her at 4:56pm. 

We did get to hold her.  I remember when she was born I was yelling for my glasses because I couldn't see her.  I had taken them off when I was laying in the hospital bed and was in a lot of pain and would bury my head in my arms.  But when she came out it happened so fast.  I was afraid I wouldn't get to see her, that they would just whisk her away.  But they didn't.  They wrapped up her 7.4 ounce, 9 inch body, and put her in my arms.  Family and friends came and held her until about 10pm.   My husband and I then took a little more than an hour for ourselves.  It was the hardest thing I ever had to do...leave my child at the hospital and go home empty handed.  I thought that was hard when I had to leave my preemie in the hospital.  I didn't get to hold my preemie until he was 3 days old.  But I never thought I'd leave my child in the hospital and then bring her home in an urn about a week later.  It was the craziest time of my life. 

Even though it was so crazy, it did bring my husband and I closer together.  I'm sorry it hasn't done that for you and your husband.  I have relied on my husband so greatly these last many weeks.  And I relied on him very much so especially those first few weeks.  I would say that about a year before this happened I would say things weren't that great between us.  I felt like we weren't communicating very well.  Now that I look back on that I think how trivial that was.  He is exactly the husband I need right now.  I'm so blessed for that. 

Oh, yes, we did get pictures.  The nurses were great with thinking about everything.  It was definetly the worst day of my life, but everybody was so great to us.  People have been so kind and generous. 

Oh my gosh I miss her so much.  I am looking forward to going to the doctor on Monday and seeing this new baby.  It still doesn't feel completely real.  I took 2 tests at home and had the nurse at the office confirm it.  But I think once I see the baby growing it will be real.  I'm doing my best to try not to be scared.  It is hard.   I do want people to pray but one thing that I find hard is that I don't want a lot of attention.  I don't want people falling all over me because they are worried about me or concerned that I am worried, or whatever.  I like my privacy.  I think right now I just want people to be hands off and just pray for us in private.  Does that make sense? 

Libby - posted on 03/01/2009

Quoting Paula:

Hi

I started with kids late...I was 32.  I always wanted a big family.  becuase we never knew there was even a problem with her....I was totally unprepared. I don't know if you can be prepared for things like this....with you....being bed rest did things in your head get worst....did you fear the worst? waiting for doom?

I would think that would be worse maybe....waiting when things are bad to maybe have things go worse.

when she was born....it was a c-section only cause she was breach....all was normal.  I was followed closely due to hypertension and excessive amniotic fluid.....thought maybe I was diabetic.

the 27 days with her....was difficult in waves....first few days not knowing if she were to survive.  not being able to  hold her till day 8.

but when she made it out of ICU at day 17....I thought the only thing pending...was figuring out how to get her to eat and regulate her glucose.

the pending tests were coming in and nothing was ever conclusive.

the last test ...the MRI the day before showed a bleeder on the brain and her respiration and oxygenation was going weird that night.

when I went in to see her on the sunday....people were all around her bed.  she was on full O2...and desating....all the time.

those hours....from noon till 4....was the hardest I have ever done. pacing and waiting....they said they would take her for a CT....and she needed to be entubated.

well it didn't go well and the entubation was not for the test now but to save her life.

the weird part....is that they couldn't entubate....her throat anotomy was weird they said....yet....someone entubated her at birth and gave me 27 days. I think that person was an angel....she gave me 27 days.....with my Narmeen.

they performed a traechotomy.....but even with O2...and bagging...and everything...drugs...she was leaving.

I held her from 4 pm and she died 4:23....in my arms.

I wonder why almost everyday.

I prayed she would stay with me

I never knew pain could exist this way.

a parent should never have to tell a nurse to stop bagging and watch thier child leave this earth.....we should be going before them....

I had the babyshower two weeks prior to her birth....the room was full of all the gifts they gave us.  her room was filled with the clothes she would wear.

she did wear some clothes at the hospital the last few days.  I keep those in the bureau....and have not looked at them since.

I don't let anyone in the room much....I feel like its my space...and noone elses.

even though she never came home...it is her room.

with me being 37.....and this whole thing could be genetic....makes me want to try sooner than later.

my husband is 40....and this whole thing has rocked our world.....our marriage is rocky.

I have tried to convince him that having a baby would unite and solidify things....not because it would create a better us....but it would perhaps....make me a better person.  a solid person instead if a person whoes life has been torn apart.

will this make my grief be delayed....maybe but I think it might be easier in bits and pieces than all at once.

in your case....not having the chance to hold, and look at and see your baby eyes....how cruel I think that is. I don't know....how you can do it.

were you able to get pictures? did they let you see your baby? did they offer to let you hold your baby?

I am sorry as well....

this site....has all these moms....who never should have been in this boat....yet we are.  It is a sink or swim kind of boat....isn't it.

somedays I don't think I am swimming well at all.

I never was really sure how many kids I wanted.  I thought only two.  Then when we had our 1st, it seemed so perfect and I thought maybe we shouldn't tempt fate.  Maybe he should be our only one.  That feeling wore off and I definetly wanted another child.  I was 22 when my 1st was born, and a little more than 2 years later we had our second.  After I had him I knew I wanted more I always felt jipped.  I for some reason loved being pregnant, and because the 2nd pregnancy ended 10 weeks early, I just felt this desire to be a mother again.  To carry another child, to give birth to another child.  Even with the complications I had in the 2nd pregnancy, and then had a 10 week early preemie, I still longed to have another. 

But even though I had problems with the 3rd and had been on bedrest, I never though of the worst.  I NEVER thought we would lose her.  I thought the worst that would happen is we would have another preemie.  And I could do that!!  Before I had my 2nd child I didn't think I could do something like that, but after having gone through it, I knew I could!  So no, I never prepared myself for doom.  I didn't even know doom was possible until the day I had her.  I had an appointment with the specialist that morning.  I had started bleeding so heavily the day before.  Then when I went to the specialist and got an ultrasound her fluid was gone.  I knew what that meant.  I knew she couldn't survive without it.  I didn't know we would lose her the same day.  It happened so very fast.  I remember driving home from the appointment and having anxiety attacks.  I couldn't breathe.  I was sobbing uncontrolably.  My husband tried to be supportive, telling me we wasn't sure what was going to happen.  But she was only 20 weeks along.  She couldn't survive long enough without fluid to make it far enough where she had any chance of surival outside of me.  My appointment was at 10am that day...I went to the hospital at 3:30pm due to cramping/contractions, I delivered her at 4:56pm. 

We did get to hold her.  I remember when she was born I was yelling for my glasses because I couldn't see her.  I had taken them off when I was laying in the hospital bed and was in a lot of pain and would bury my head in my arms.  But when she came out it happened so fast.  I was afraid I wouldn't get to see her, that they would just whisk her away.  But they didn't.  They wrapped up her 7.4 ounce, 9 inch body, and put her in my arms.  Family and friends came and held her until about 10pm.   My husband and I then took a little more than an hour for ourselves.  It was the hardest thing I ever had to do...leave my child at the hospital and go home empty handed.  I thought that was hard when I had to leave my preemie in the hospital.  I didn't get to hold my preemie until he was 3 days old.  But I never thought I'd leave my child in the hospital and then bring her home in an urn about a week later.  It was the craziest time of my life. 

Even though it was so crazy, it did bring my husband and I closer together.  I'm sorry it hasn't done that for you and your husband.  I have relied on my husband so greatly these last many weeks.  And I relied on him very much so especially those first few weeks.  I would say that about a year before this happened I would say things weren't that great between us.  I felt like we weren't communicating very well.  Now that I look back on that I think how trivial that was.  He is exactly the husband I need right now.  I'm so blessed for that. 

Oh, yes, we did get pictures.  The nurses were great with thinking about everything.  It was definetly the worst day of my life, but everybody was so great to us.  People have been so kind and generous. 

Oh my gosh I miss her so much.  I am looking forward to going to the doctor on Monday and seeing this new baby.  It still doesn't feel completely real.  I took 2 tests at home and had the nurse at the office confirm it.  But I think once I see the baby growing it will be real.  I'm doing my best to try not to be scared.  It is hard.   I do want people to pray but one thing that I find hard is that I don't want a lot of attention.  I don't want people falling all over me because they are worried about me or concerned that I am worried, or whatever.  I like my privacy.  I think right now I just want people to be hands off and just pray for us in private.  Does that make sense? 

Paula - posted on 02/28/2009

Hi

I started with kids late...I was 32.  I always wanted a big family.  becuase we never knew there was even a problem with her....I was totally unprepared. I don't know if you can be prepared for things like this....with you....being bed rest did things in your head get worst....did you fear the worst? waiting for doom?

I would think that would be worse maybe....waiting when things are bad to maybe have things go worse.

when she was born....it was a c-section only cause she was breach....all was normal.  I was followed closely due to hypertension and excessive amniotic fluid.....thought maybe I was diabetic.

the 27 days with her....was difficult in waves....first few days not knowing if she were to survive.  not being able to  hold her till day 8.

but when she made it out of ICU at day 17....I thought the only thing pending...was figuring out how to get her to eat and regulate her glucose.

the pending tests were coming in and nothing was ever conclusive.

the last test ...the MRI the day before showed a bleeder on the brain and her respiration and oxygenation was going weird that night.

when I went in to see her on the sunday....people were all around her bed.  she was on full O2...and desating....all the time.

those hours....from noon till 4....was the hardest I have ever done. pacing and waiting....they said they would take her for a CT....and she needed to be entubated.

well it didn't go well and the entubation was not for the test now but to save her life.

the weird part....is that they couldn't entubate....her throat anotomy was weird they said....yet....someone entubated her at birth and gave me 27 days. I think that person was an angel....she gave me 27 days.....with my Narmeen.

they performed a traechotomy.....but even with O2...and bagging...and everything...drugs...she was leaving.

I held her from 4 pm and she died 4:23....in my arms.

I wonder why almost everyday.

I prayed she would stay with me

I never knew pain could exist this way.

a parent should never have to tell a nurse to stop bagging and watch thier child leave this earth.....we should be going before them....

I had the babyshower two weeks prior to her birth....the room was full of all the gifts they gave us.  her room was filled with the clothes she would wear.

she did wear some clothes at the hospital the last few days.  I keep those in the bureau....and have not looked at them since.

I don't let anyone in the room much....I feel like its my space...and noone elses.

even though she never came home...it is her room.

with me being 37.....and this whole thing could be genetic....makes me want to try sooner than later.

my husband is 40....and this whole thing has rocked our world.....our marriage is rocky.

I have tried to convince him that having a baby would unite and solidify things....not because it would create a better us....but it would perhaps....make me a better person.  a solid person instead if a person whoes life has been torn apart.

will this make my grief be delayed....maybe but I think it might be easier in bits and pieces than all at once.

in your case....not having the chance to hold, and look at and see your baby eyes....how cruel I think that is. I don't know....how you can do it.

were you able to get pictures? did they let you see your baby? did they offer to let you hold your baby?

I am sorry as well....

this site....has all these moms....who never should have been in this boat....yet we are.  It is a sink or swim kind of boat....isn't it.

somedays I don't think I am swimming well at all.

Libby - posted on 02/28/2009

I understand with what you mean about not feeling complete.  That makes a lot of sense to me.  I can totally get what you're saying about not wanting to wait to have another (because of your age).  For me it's not because of my age to have kids that I wanted to have another one sooner than later, it was because of my age for our plans for our family.  What I mean is...we wanted to be done having kids by the time we were 30.  We are going to be 30 this year.  I didn't want to change our plans and divert from them too much and have my husband regret having more kids after 30.  Obviously I will have this next one when I am 30.  But if I hadn't gotten pregnant so soon I would've been worried how long it would take.  I've also felt like maybe not just one more, but two more.  But I don't know that I could talk my husband into another one in a couple of years.  He doesn't want to be too old by the time the kids are grown.  And you wouldn't think a few years would make a difference, but it sorta does to him.  Oh well, we'll just have to see how this pregnancy works out.  It wouldn't be fair to think beyond this right now. I'm sorry you have all of that baby stuff and no baby.  That totally doesn't seem fair.  I was disappointed that I never got to buy my daughter anything because I had been on bedrest for 2 months before I lost her.  But I don't know how I would handle having all of those things and no baby.  That would be tough.  I'm so sorry.

Paula - posted on 02/28/2009

Hi

what I meant about a baby saving me....it more like the feeling of completeting something that never happened but yet we were so ready for.  the room and everyting is ready yet no baby to fill it.

having another will save me in that the completion of the dream will happen.

I ache not being pregnant.  the reason we are not is that my husband doesn't want one...for how long I don't know.

I am 37 and I don't want to wait years....if I was younger...maybe...but not now.

I wish he felt the same...and this separtation is really hard on us both.  we are in couselling for it....becuase we grieve differently and the difference in the having a baby is torture.

this whole year....feels like its not real.

I feel like I should start over....fresh slate and go ahead with living again.

I too feel like this will help with grieving....

put my energy into a living being and not the dead and gone.  I know a future baby will not bring her back....no baby can be replaced....but the dream is still there.

take care

Libby - posted on 02/28/2009

Quoting Paula:

Hi

I am in your boat as well, losing her in Nov....and we both have two children at home (5 and 3).  it is not wrong to want another....it is so normal.  our hormones are running full course...figureing there was suppose to be a baby coming home.  I don't know if yours did or not but my Narmeen never made it home, she died at 27 days old.

I also want another child very badly....very very much.  my husband is not wanting too now....and maybe never I don't know.  but what I do know is I will be pregnant this year.  I need this to save me.

 

I think the desire to have another....outweighs....the risks or probable risks if something happeneing again.  I still don't know what happened to her and so until those results come back.....we are in limbo.

for you....it is now....this life inside you.  concentrate on that....only that...the positive engery inside...growing.  meditate, soul search...., relax. and read...pass your days thinking all the future positive things and more realistically....think only in the now.  think today only.

take on only one day.....

you can get through this....for your baby I know you will.

if you ever get scared...just write....tell us...and we will be here.

take care

 

 

Paula,

Thanks for writing again.  No, my daughter never came home.  She was stillborn.  I don't have any memories of her being alive except when she was in my belly.  I will never know what she smelled like, what her smile looked like, what colors her eyes were, or what she sounded like. 

I had some tests done on myself.  They all came back fine.  But I'm left without any real answers as to why she died.  We didn't have her tested for anything.  As much as I wanted to know, I couldn't have them do anything to her body.  It just didn't feel right.  So, I was told I was ok and there wasn't any real reason to try again.  Except for the fact that I feel my body failed me.  It's a scarey thing not to have control over your body, especially when your most precious possession is in it. 

I was worried about my husband wanting to try again.  After our 2nd son was born 10 weeks early he hesitated for a long time to want to try.  I basically had to talk him into it.  But ironically, to try now after suffering a tragic loss, he didn't hesitate to want another one.  I asked probably 3 days after we lost her if we would try again and he said yes.  I was so glad to hear that.  However, I wasn't sure that was his real answer.  I wanted us to make an educated decision rather than an emotional one when it came to trying again, that's why I had the tests done.  But hubby and I have talked about it more since, and he is serious about another.  Well, obviously it doesn't matter now b/c the deed is already done!  Ha ha!

I am sorta concerned about what you said though, that you need another child to save you.  I don't feel that way, but I don't think it's a good thing for you to feel that way.  I think I might've felt that way if I didn't have any living children.  But my boys do keep me feeling like I am being productive.  I think having a baby will help in our grieving process.  But I think that's a tall order for a child.  I would think about it a little harder before you put that much responsibility on a little baby.  And what if you have another baby and it doesn't help...that you feel as depressed as you did before or whatever?  Anyway, if you want to talk about that some more, I'd like to.  I just don't want you to rush into something that might not help, and that you and your hubby don't both agree on. 

I guess things aren't that bad.  I went to a support group on Wedsnesday and it was a really good thing for me.  Plus, I was able to see I am coping pretty well.  There was a girl there that was a mess.  She apparently is very depressed.  I mean, I am too, but to a certain extent.  I can still function and it just sounded like she was having a hard time with everything.  It was her first time to the group too, so hopefully she will find it to be helpful like I did. 

But I'm going to take it one day at a time like you said.  I'm looking forward to Tuesday when I get to see my doctor.  And I will probably get to see my baby for the first time too.  That will help keep me going these next few days...something to look forward to!

Paula - posted on 02/28/2009

Hi

I am in your boat as well, losing her in Nov....and we both have two children at home (5 and 3).  it is not wrong to want another....it is so normal.  our hormones are running full course...figureing there was suppose to be a baby coming home.  I don't know if yours did or not but my Narmeen never made it home, she died at 27 days old.

I also want another child very badly....very very much.  my husband is not wanting too now....and maybe never I don't know.  but what I do know is I will be pregnant this year.  I need this to save me.

I think the desire to have another....outweighs....the risks or probable risks if something happeneing again.  I still don't know what happened to her and so until those results come back.....we are in limbo.

for you....it is now....this life inside you.  concentrate on that....only that...the positive engery inside...growing.  meditate, soul search...., relax. and read...pass your days thinking all the future positive things and more realistically....think only in the now.  think today only.

take on only one day.....

you can get through this....for your baby I know you will.

if you ever get scared...just write....tell us...and we will be here.

take care

Libby - posted on 02/28/2009

Thank you for responding Paula.  I guess right now I'm just feeling kinda guilty because I have two living children.  I have such a desire for wanting atleast one more.  But after losing my daughter in December I ofcourse have that fear something will happen this time around.  Is it wrong to want more children when you already have living children?  Should I have risked this again?  My last pregnancy was so complicated that it was starting to effect my health because I was bleeding so badly.  They didn't find anything wrong with me, so there's no reason to think I am going to have the same problems.  But what if I do?  I know it's hard not to live in the past.  But my past wasn't that long ago.  And here I am pregnant again already.  It's a very  nice surprise, don't get me wrong.  I want this baby so much.  I'm just concerned.  I also don't want my family to have to go through what they did last time.  I was on bedrest for almost two months and had to be taken care of.  I couldn't even pick my kids up from school.  And then my family suffered a loss when my daughter died and I just hope my family doesn't have to grieve over another baby. 

Ok, a lot of what if's.  I go see my doctor on Tuesday.  I'm sure I'll probably get an ultrasound.  And we can discuss our game plan.  I guess I just need to relax.

Paula - posted on 02/27/2009

Hey libby

I don't know if there is anything to do to make your mind not wonder to the dark side....to dark thoughts.  it probably will....but the amount of time spent there....can be limited. 

I want to suggest a book....a book by Eckart tolle.....called "the power of now"

this may help you stay in the now and focus on one day at a time....and not visit the past and not leap to a future you don't know.

I am in the process of reading it...it helped me get of out days where my mind relived Nov 16th over and over...and where all I could think about was that day and what went wrong.

good luck....