A letter to my sister: How dare you be so insensitive after the loss of my baby!!!!!

Patricia - posted on 12/14/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Your actions have caused me more heartbreak,
To go along with the terrible pain I already feel due to the loss of my son.
I thought you did not realise this because you have never suffered a loss as such. But your insensitiveness proves otherwise.
You do not understand that it hurts me to see babies(although I have told you when you recently pointed one out) (Believe me I see them all, and pregnant women too!)
You do not understand that seeing any boy(doesn't matter what age he is) receiving doting attention from his mother hurts me! It reminds me that my son will never grow up, and that I will never be able to show him such affection. Seeing other boys with their families also hurts because even if my husband and I have more children; I may never again experience nurturing for a boy.
So AT MY SON’S FUNERAL when you where standing right in front of me doting on your young son IT HURT ME!!!! As any normal human being, one would realise on her own that it is incredibly disrespectful to do as such.(KiKi and Phil did not attend because they had no babysitter for their little boy) But you didn’t!!!!! And as another attempted to tell you to be a bit more considerate(thank you, my dear father-in-law for trying to save me from sorrow), you did the opposite. You yelled and made a huge scene.
Being the kind of person I am. Always supportive towards you(when you lost your children to Child and Family Services- three times all by your own doing, when you had boyfriend trouble and financial trouble) I chalked up your indiscretions as just being unknowing when being faced with the tremendous loss that I, your sister, has suffered.
Four months passed until I finally felt ready to try to explain to you how heavily your actions weighed on my mind. Then when having a conversation with you, an opportunity arose as you brought up my son’s passing. Calmly, I tried to tell you how I feel. And instead of you taking accountability for being inconsiderate of my feelings. YOU TOOK IT UPON YOURSELF TO BELITTLE MINE AND MY LOVED ONES’ PAIN BY SAYING THAT YOU HAD EVERY RIGHT TO CAUSE AN UPROAR AT YOUR NEPHEWS’ FUNERAL; YOU HAD THE AUDACITY TO CALL ME A BITCH AND SLAP ME ACROSS THE FACE…..IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER AND MY NIECE AND NEPHEW(whom you just got back from Child and Family Services)
Well SISTER, I applaud your great decision making skills!! You’ve definitely shown me your TRUE COLOURS!!!!!!
And as a result, our relationship is no longer and will never be.

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9 Comments

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Sheila - posted on 12/22/2009

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Patricia, i think your sisters actions are disgusting,how insensitive is she, she is obviously not capable of looking after her own children if they have been taken away from her more than once, my sister lost a 4 month old baby in a fire approx 23 yrs ago and we still think about him now, your son will be in your thoughts forever, even when you do have more children , best wishes for next yr and for the future

Kelli - posted on 12/20/2009

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Wow that really hurts me too to think that your sister would act like this. When I lost my daughter my parents came over to my house a few days later and my dad noticed that I had pictures of her hanging up and asked me why I would put pictures of her up!!! He especially didn't like that I had them hanging in my sons room. People that never experienced a loss of a child have NO CLUE how much hurt and pain it brings. I think you are better off without her in your life she seems to do nothing but bring you down. Keep your head high sister and you can add me to your circle and vent all you want! We are here to support one another!

Jessica - posted on 12/18/2009

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i also feel for you,i think sister's should be there for you when your down and help you get throuh the tuff times,i had to give up my second daughter and it was very hard to,my daughter and my sister's son are only two day's apart and i held that little guy every chance i got,but after a year we had another blessing, we had a little boy,but after a week i notice'd something was not right with the little guy.he was diagnosed with epilelsy and had 30-40 seizures a day.He has been on alot of meds but they did not help him so he had to have two brain surgery's to help him.He is developementally delayed but we love him soo much,but it still hurts seeing other parents with there healthy boy's who can runn around and talk to you,but every thing does happen for a reason even if we cannot understand it,i hope that you heal in your grive and i'm sorry you dont have a better sister to help instead of wound even more.

Anne - posted on 12/18/2009

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I am very shcoked at your sisters behaviour,the pain of losing a child is unbearable enough without that happening,I too lost a son,he was 2 when he died and I will never ever get over losing him,I have become intolerant of others and if they annoy or upset me they are gone,Im just so sorry you have had to deal with this.xx

Natasha - posted on 12/17/2009

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My dearest Patricia,

First off, I am sorry for the loss of your child. I know how difficult that has been for you. As for your sister, has she always been this way? Or is this new behavior? If this is new behavior (NOT that I am excusing her in any way) maybe she doesn't know of to handle herself. People become so retarded when they are around a situation that they neither understand nor have had experience with before. If this isn't new behavior, then calmly tell her, "I cannot control your behavior but I can control mine. I am angry at you for the following reasons _____________ and until you can be respectful of my loose, you are not welcome in my life." Do not speak to her, and do not visit her. Christmas is coming and most families gather, if your sister is there; stay on opposite sides of the room, or change rooms all together. Avoid any further hurtful confrontations. If she seeks you out, repeat what I have said above and nothing more. Walk away. You have enough pain to deal with without adding your sister’s disrespect to it. She will do one of two things: a.) get the point and make amends or b.) get the point and leave you alone. Either way, it’s a win/win...

I hope all will be well for you and yours this coming holiday. Don't try to make everything perfect ... just enjoy the family that is close and remember your Angel baby.



Always

Natasja

Sneaky - posted on 12/17/2009

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Hi Patricia,
The best life advice I was ever given was: 'Just because they are blood does not mean you have to love them'. I know that there is an old saying: 'You can't choose your family', but I do not believe this. You have your husband and daughter and your angel son and you can choose for them to be the only family in your life - the type of family that has love, support and experiences joy and sorrow together. Just because she was born to the same parents as you, you do not have to consider your sister as part of your family.
The only other advice I can give you (if you want it! If you don't want advice, just stop reading now:o) is to try and not let anger and hurt and disappointment in your sister effect your life. I have learnt (bitter experience) that if you keep the hurt and anger with you everyday then if feels just like having that person in your life still everyday. And this moment in time is ALL ABOUT YOU! Your sister being a bitch has nothing to do with you and your feelings and how you choose to grieve and remember your son. She is a bitch because she chooses to be, it has nothing to do with you and, if you can, you should not waste any more time thinking about her when you could be spending these moments healing yourself. And please do not get me wrong - I am not suggesting that you shouldn't vent and that you should not be hurt by her actions and I am glad that you chose to tell your story here so that we can support you, I just basically think that your sister is a jerk and she is obviously interfering with your grief instead of supporting you.
I am sorry if I sound harsh, I hope I have not said anything to upset you further.
Lots of love, Tracey

Imani-Rashaunn - posted on 12/16/2009

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Let me start by saying that I feel for your loss. I have also lost a child and I know exactly how you feel. I am sure that I lost my child before you lost yours but, it doesn't matter the age your child is when they die, the pain is just the same. My children weren't old enough for me to have a funeral for them. I lost two pregnancies early on. My sister in law was horrible to me when I lost my first child. My husband and I were so excited when we found out that we were going to have our first child and unfortunately that didn't end well. My sister in law found out that she was pregnant two days after my surgery. She threw it in my face every chance that she got. Not that I am excusing my sister in law's behavior but, I know for a fact that she is jealous of me and the relationship that I have with my husband. Maybe there is something about you that makes your sister want to be spiteful. When we are down, our enemies take the opportunity to kick us. Since then I had another miscarriage and now we are having a hard time conceiving. My first child and my nephew would have been one month apart. Seeing him (which I do on a regular basis) breaks my heart because I know that I would have had a child the same age. And now that we are having a hard time conceiving, my heart breaks even more. I know that it hurts when you see pregnant women or babies or moms cuddling their children (trust me I truly know that pain) but, see the good out of the situation. Your son is in the safest place possible, heaven. He is not alone and he wouldn't want you to feel all this pain. You must except that. One day, you will be pregnant and your dream will come true. Hang in there. There are many support groups that you can seek support from. That's what I did and it did help a little but, my true healing will come from me being able to hold my first born. I wish you all the best luck. Don't worry about your sister. Blood does not necessarily make you family. Take this as a lesson and move on. God will bless you again

Trish - posted on 12/16/2009

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Sjoo how inconsiderate could your sister be. I really think you are better off cutting her out of your life as she will only conitnue to inflict pain and hurt on you.

I'm also terribly sorry for the loss of your son. Having lost a son and now having two daughters I fully understand what you are going through seeing boys and I find I do the same thing as you.

Thabie - posted on 12/14/2009

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Hi there Patricia, i'm deeply hurt by your sister's behaviour & attitude, it a pity we do not

choose our families, but i feel a person like her is not needed in yo life, people who don't have anything nice & positive to contribute in yo life are not worth being in yo life... i still cannot believe that yo own sister could be so cruel, i'm deeply sorry 4 yo loss, i hope that with time, you will heal & find new meaning to yo already fulfilled life... inspite of it all, remember god is always @ the centre of every situation, so right in the midst of all he's watching over u & will always be there for u.... he's also taking gud care of yo baby boy... i hope that you find peace.