After 8 years still grieving...

Ashley - posted on 12/22/2012

yes Jessica i lost my son 8 years ago he was also still birth i thiink about him daily and it gets to me around holidays and i never stop thinking of him they say time heals alll wounds but this one is not healing i have two ther childern and love them very very very very much and they both know about their other brother and ask me question and i tell them they are ages 6 and 5 and i keep nothing from them they hug me and try to tell me one day i will see him because im going to heaven i love it when they say that but im still having a hard time dealing with this loss so i understand where your comming from i you need to talk ill listen and try to help u where i can your friend Ashley

Cindi - posted on 01/03/2009

Grief is like a thief in the night - it jumps right out at you when you least expect it to. Of course, sometimes it's bold enough to show up on schedule, too. I have finally given myself permission to not attend baby showers. I have fun shopping for a cute gift, then send it on. Watching "ER" (my friend and I call it the baby death show) just kills me! Glad it the last season, as I am otherwise addicted to the stupid thing. I do love, love, love holding babies!! It's the only time that things feel just right to me. Having that baby in my arms is such a comfort - if only for a little while. The tears will slowly move farther and farther apart, but the ache in your heart will always be there. We'll always greive. And this place makes it safe and normal for us to do so. Especially, when family and friends have probably figured you should be over it at a certain point, and then the topic just doesn't really come up much any more. Sometimes I feel like I am the beholder of the pink elephant in the room that no one wants to deal with. But I deal with it every moment of every day. Thank God for my other 2 sons, my huband, and my family for supporting me always. They just can't imagine how much remembering Harrison's birthday or angel day means to me. WHile it has been 6 years since he died, I sure wish someone would still come around with a casserole and cookies once in awhile.....

Thelma - posted on 12/20/2008

I lost mine to SIDS in 1983. They're always close to your heart. He was 9 & 1/2 weeks old. It was very hard especially on my two other children who were 4 and 2 at the time.

Kathy - posted on 12/19/2008

I lost babies in 1996 and 2001. I have 3 lovely healthy children but the grief /guilt from my first two have never left me. I cannot watch anything that endangers children on tv or the horror stories on the news even 12 years later. I don't think it's a problem or sickness. I think you just have a reverence for life and seeing that belittled for drama's sake just doesn't appeal to you anymore. I don't think that hole ever goes away, I do know that it stops feeling raw at some point and then it's just another facet of you.

Yvonne - posted on 12/18/2008

Hi Jessica,



I lost my son Zachary at 18 days old 20 Jan of this year and I too have a hard time watching babies period. It is a horrible feeling and everything just comes back to you. I think you are perfectly normal for grieving even if it has been 8 years ago. Jesse will always be on your mind and in your heart wherever you are. I think it is healthy to let it out. I know sometimes it can happen to me at the mall, doctor's office, the grocery store. Any little thing could set me off. Not everday is like that, thank god, cause I am sure some people think I must be crazy or something but it is normal and it has been said that one of the most horrible things that could happen to a person is losing a child.



Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I am pretty sure when I have reached the 8 year mark, that I will still be crying over my son Zac. It is still hard to believe that he is gone but he will be with me forever in my heart.



My thoughts are with you,



Yvonne Melvin

Melissa - posted on 12/10/2008

its been 6 years since i lost my precious maddison. i was 35 weeks pregnant when i went 4 a routine check up and was told that my baby was no longer alive. the next day i had 2 give birth 2 her, that was 1 of the hardest things i have ever had 2 do, knowing that i would never see her smile, hear her voice or watch her grow totally broke my heart. not a day goes by that i dont think about maddison n i would give anything 2 have her with us. i have gone on 2 have 2 healthy, beautiful children but i feel my family is incomplete without our angel here. i still cry 4 her n i miss her like crazy. this site is great 4 me because it gives me a chance 2 talk about wat happened. my family have been great but friends wont talk 2 me about it n that hurts so much because i feel that they dont care. talking about maddison is what helps me get thru each day. the pain is still as it was 6 years ago but u learn how 2 cope with it. i still dont know y my baby died n i still have difficulty accepting it. its hard watching other kids that r the same age as maddie, i always find myself wondering wat she would b doin n wat her personality would b like. i am finding it extremely hard now because my other daughter, caitlyn is starting school next year n i never got 2 have that with maddie. every year on maddies birthday i feel like locking myself in a room n having no contact with the outside world, i get depressed n spend most of the days leading up 2 it crying. i love my other 2 kids more than life itself n they know all about their big sister in heaven, i talk 2 them about maddie all the time n when we go 2 the cemetary they both kiss her picture on the headstone when we get there n when we r leaving. it makes it easier knowing there r people out there who understand the pain i feel n that arent just pretending 2 understand.

Mary - posted on 12/09/2008

Hang in there Jessica! I have lost two babies 2001 and 2003. A girl in 2001 due to still born and another girl 2003 due to triple x. It still hurts alot but a get through it. The holidays are the toughest times. I have younger nieces and knowing that I have them to enjoy eases the pain a little. We have chose not to have anymore children. We have 2 beautiful healthy kids boy 14 and girl 9. They are the world to me.

Christy - posted on 12/09/2008

Jessica~

You are not alone! It has been almost 5 years since I lost my son. He was almost 8 months old but in the hospital all his life. I am the same way. I'm convinced that I will never fill that hole. And maybe I don't want it filled...maybe it isn't a hole that can ever be filled and maybe that is a good thing. Our children can't be replaced...we know that. We have other children and we love them just the same but they can't fill that space. It is the place of our child we lost. The child we didn't get a chance to hold and see grow. It is a special place reserved JUST for them. For me, sometimes it hurts so much to focus on that missing part of my family but it is also a great reminder that he did truly exist. It wasn't a dream...it was real! Sometimes I feel like no one else remembers, that they just move on. The hole for me has become a motivator...it can take you down or it can move you to do something to keep the memory of him/her alive! Maybe that hole can be a precious gift...the feeling of loss can be a feeling of love. To know that YOU loved your child so much. It is something no one else can have of your experience. I don't know about you but I sure find that I hold onto my kids a bit tighter. They truly are the most precious of gifts.

Paula - posted on 12/09/2008

thanks Mkenzie- I have all my scrapebooking stuff ready, have just not started yet. I did so for my other two, so I will start her book soon. I gathered all the stuff to go in it. I have many ultrasound pics...had 11 ultrasounds...and have a pic for most.

all the momentoes from the hospital,and the cards and messages from everyone during this time.



I also kept a long of all appt and stats during those time and e-mail journal entries...



some of it will be hard to do...since I have not read the journal from the hospital time.



like you said this is a work in progress.



thanks

P

Mkenzie - posted on 12/09/2008

Hi Paula,

Wow... even after [almost] 8 years, it's reassuring and comforting to know that I truly am not alone in all of this! It's nice to know that I am not the only one who has done certain things within grieving over the death of a child.



I made a scrapbook for Eric. I started it while I was pregnant with him, and still have not quite completed it. Eric may never see it, never touch it, never read the pages of his story... but I have other children and I have friends and family members who weren't around for the pregnancy and delivery/aftermath. (At least not until much later... we were overseas and didn't come home until 6 weeks later, for one month, for his funeral, and then we were back overseas again for another seven months until we could come back to the States.) My family & friends that have seen it admire it. It helps them feel close to him, in a way.



His book has pictures from our pregnancy and the few pictures we have of him after his birth. I did it similar to a "regular" baby book and put all of his stats in there, where we got his name from, what his name means, what he looked like, etc. I even put in a wrapper from one of the balloon things the doctor used to help induce me and I put in the DVD insert to a movie he "watched" while still in utero. (Disney's "Tarzan"... to this day, I still cannot watch that movie! My daughter has never seen it. I can't even get through the theme song by Phil Collins, as we played that at Eric's funeral. His headstone even has the child Tarzan swinging on a vine engraved next to his name & dates. It turned out pretty awesome, actually!)



I'd recommend putting whatever your heart leads you to put into it. Pictures, memories, words, anything and everything. It may take a while, it is a type of healing process to go through, to create a scrapbook like this. But it will be worth it, while doing it, while sharing it, and while remembering with it.



Love & hugs

Paula - posted on 12/08/2008

Heather- I am fearfull when there are parents who say after many years the void is still there...its so painfull now and the void is huge....I thought it would go away....but you all say no, the void stays you just go through the pain.



Mkenzie- I won't wait that long to have another-god I can barely wait till feb....little does my husband know....but we will have another. he may say he is not sure.....but I will collaspe if we don't.

I figure I will bug the shit out of him.....till he gives up. either that or I will tie him down. hehehe



some humor....



I know though what you mean about memories....I know there are many parts to that day I don't really recall. the flow is off....



there are days I don't remeber while in the hospital. I kept a journal....but I have not reread it yet. I am waiting to make her scrapebook and put the pages in there. then I will read them.



has anyone made a scrapebook for thier child? I like to scrap....and I made ones for my older children as their baby book. but this is different....cause she won't use it later on in life. so I don't have a destination for it....if you know what I mean.



I kept a journal while she was in the hospital cause I wanted her to know what she went through....but now, its my memories...



so if anyone has an ideas on how to prep for a book like that for someone who will never read it??? let me know



thanks everyone----writing to you all....keeps me sane.

Heather - posted on 12/08/2008

It has been six years for us. Serena was 13 months old when she died. I don't think anything will ever be the same. Like you, we've been lucky enough to have three healthy children since, but there is a hole that will never be filled. Not only that, but the grief goes on and on. My husband and I were talking last night that we still feel like shadows. I have a masters in Psychology and when talking about the death of a child, they said it took seven years to even get out of the cycle of depression. I will hit seven next year and have been hoping . . . but you've passed it, and as I've suspected, it looks like it continues. On the other hand, I don't think I could stand it if I could forget about her enough to "go back to normal."

Mkenzie - posted on 12/08/2008

Paula,

I had several years where I knew I had held Eric, but didn't remember it for myself. I only knew that I had done so, because there are pictures of me holding himand because his daddy told me I did. But I personally did not remember holding him until early last year, after his sixth birthday. And it was one of those overwhelming, out of the blue, slamming memories. I had been on my way to work and I had to pull over until I could get my bearing again, from all the tears. I not only remembered that I had held him, but I remembered his weight, his smell, how he snuggled closer to me, how he gripped my finger is his tiny little fist... all of it came crashing over me like a tidal wave. I cherish that memory now, now that I have it back.



I think that our minds sometimes put memories in a further recess of our minds, so that our hearts can have a better chance at some much needed healing. Once we've reached that unique to each of us point in our healing, our minds allow us to remember some of those long hidden memories. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that we ever "forget" or even "misplace" our beloved memories, I think it is merely a survival mechanism that our minds, hearts, and bodies go through together.



As far as having another baby... I wouldn't wait too long. It was excruciating having to wait after we lost Eric. We waited 2 1/2 years before trying again. Charlize was born the next Spring. Two years later, we lost Cian. The end of that year is when my marriage was irrevocably over, and it's taken me 2 1/2 more years, since Cian's stillbirth, to be able to try again with my second husband. I know I had to go through various things to get through my divorce, as well as the loss of Cian, but to know that it's going to be the same length of time (approximately) from one loss to a success.... that alone wreacs havoc with my emotions.



Good luck... just remember that you definitely do need to let your body heal before you try again... but once you're there, and healed, and the doctor gives you the go ahead... Let the fun begin! ; )

Paula - posted on 12/06/2008

Caroline- I completely understand where you are coming from with having another child. I feel compelled to have another one....like I can't leave the house, a baby room and all these gifts bare. I can't leave this babythings....alone. the house needs a baby. the house needs to feel the presense of a baby. I feel the need to have one, to feel a baby in my arms....to amek sure I still can have that feeling. when you first nurse..., first hold them in your arms and smell them. cuddling with them on your belly. If I don't have another it will be too devastating....like I failed or something. the urge is so strong. I know I shouldn't have one this instant...I need my belly to heal(c-section) and we do need time to get our bearing straight....but soon. I need to know this was not all in vane.



does anyone feel that the whole pregnancy..birth...and what ever days you had after not feel real. its like its erased somehow. like I should rewind the whole year and start over.



I hope my husband comes around, so far when I did talk to him about it....he doesn't seem like its a good idea. this nearly killed me....the fact that he doesn't seem like its a good idea....I cried so much. for all I could think of is you need to give me a baby....you need to want this as much as I want this. I will not function in life if our last child is not with us. that we didn't try again....I will hope and pray that he comes around. I will not give up....this is too important.



has anyone had issues with their husbands....not seeing the urge as we do?



my next option is ....to tie him down and drug him so gives me what I want....hehe just kidding. the thought is there though....hehe

Caroline - posted on 12/05/2008

Paula,

There were numerous tests on both myself and Amber when she died to see if there was any connection with my blood clot and her death but they could not find anything. These tests were then performed again with myself and Montana and still they could not find a connection. I have yearly blood tests to see if they can't find a disorder or genetic condition but so far nothing has been found. That is not to say that there isn't something there, they may just not have the technology yet to be able to find it.

Gestational Diabetes is meant to give you bigger that normal babies - didn't happen with me. Clexane is meant to help with the size of the baby - didn't happen with me either. Considering both Amber and Montana were both small for 32wks (especially Montana) they think it is a Placenta issue - but they can't find anything to prove that. It is the 100 million dollar question so to speak.

The last 4 years have been incredibly hard. First losing a child, then going through the whole process with my partner was another struggle (we are both so different when it comes to dealing with Amber), then fertility issues, miscarriages etc. I had brought myself to the point that I thought I would never be able to bring a baby home again. I had pretty much given up. I wouldn't say that I was strong, I think I was weak. It was more scarey for me to think that Amber was my last child then to try and have another one. The thought that my last born died and would never come home to me was something that I couldn't live with. I had to have another child, even if it was to prove to myself that it wasn't my fault Amber died, that I could bring another child into my household. I would go through it all again to have another little Montana - she is a true blessing to me, my husband and her brother and sisters.

Caroline

Paula - posted on 12/05/2008

Caroline- was the clexane you were on causing montana to not grow? was it side effects or nothing to do with it at all. just you having the clot and her a separate thing? how stressfull your pregnancy was...I can't imagine going thorugh this all. you are one strong lady.



how is montana now? doing well I hope? your story makes all other pregnancies seem like a breeze. I thought mine was stressfull going in all the time for Ultrasounds..and such.



I am glad you survived...and you are all well.

Caroline - posted on 12/05/2008

Paula

I had many complications with Montana. At 28wks she was showing that of a 24wkr. She never grew length wise from that scan until birth (she was 30cm long). At the 28wk scan she was showing at about 600grams, we got the weight up to 1.6kg, however she dropped down to 1kg within the 1st 24hrs after birth. She was diagnosed with Intra Uterine Growth Restriction. I have a blood clot on the brain (sagital sinus thrombosis) which meant that I was on Clexane injections twice a day near my belly button from 8wks gestation. I got a secondary blood clot down the left hand side of my neck at 8 wks so the dosage of Clexane was then increased to 3 times a day. I then had stitches put in my cervix to cut down the chances of pre term labor (i went into very hard and fast labor with Amber at 32wks). Then I started getting very intense braxton hicks contractions at 18wks and told to stop doing things and take it easy. Then at 27wks I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes (prob because I was told to stop doing things) which couldn't be controlled with diet so on came more injections and finger prick tests. Then at 28wks I was given 1st lot of steroids to build up my babys lungs for the possibility of delivery due to her small size and lack of growth. Then I was put into hospital and full bed rest with CTG's 4 times a day and scans twice a day. Then my blood pressure started going through the roof (stressing out of my brain the closer I was getting to 32wks). Then the fluid in the womb started to decrease, Montana's heart rate started slowing with the contractions and that was the end of the pregnancy - next morning I was having a c-section (not allowed a natural birth as I am not allowed to push due to blood clot on brain). They checked the placenta after birth due to the fact that Amber's cause of death was put down to an Infarction of the Placenta (millions of blood clots occuring at the one time - like a massive heart attack in the placenta), they found the same thing occuring with Montana's placenta as with Amber's. Basically if I do decide to try for another baby it will be a maximum of 32wks again. For some reason my body will not allow me to carry on further than that. My first two were fine, Shakira at 38wks 6pd11oz and Josh at 37wks 7pd7oz. Amber was 32wks 1.5kg 41cm and Montana was 32wks 1.6kg and 30cm.

Caroline

Paula - posted on 12/05/2008

Caroline-I don't klnow how you stayed sane after 8 miscarriages....how strong you are.



Mkenzie- I am happy you are doing well in your pregnancy. I can only imagine how nerve wracking it would be. but you are doing well....awesome.



I love you comment about the breeze...its very sweet. makes you almost want to stand outside for awhile, just to get a sense of our angels.



I just recently had a breeze moment but with a toy. a friend had a painting made of Narmeen and I, and I put it up in my room so that I would sit in my bed I would see it. the next day I got up , sat up, look at it....I said good morning my little Narmeen. there was a toy at the foot of my bed on the floor and it turned on and played a song.

this startled me...at first then I said was that you....there was a calm feeling in the room and I smile and cried at the same time. feel she was there with me....I wanted to stare at the painting all day. also I haven't moved the toy....just in case she wants to say hello again....I am freaky I know.



Caroline- why did they make you have the baby at 32 weeks? was there problems with the baby and you had to deleiver for fear of losing it?

Sheila - posted on 12/05/2008

I am so sorry to hear all of your stories and heartbreaking sorrows. McKenzie...it's amazing what you said about the breeze...I VERY recently was standing on my front deck, it was very cold out but just felt like I needed the cold blast on my face...it was SO still...than a breeze came out of nowhere, ever so gently and I closed my eyes, smiled and cried at the same time and thought "hello Sarah". My thoughts and prayers to everybody here. It has been almost 10 years since I lost my son (stillborn) and precious daughter (8 1/2 mo's.) and the pain is still very raw for me as well. Some days are better than others...but never EVER without thoughts of my babies. At times I think I'm okay and then other times....well....not sure if I'll make it. But...then I look at my surviving daughter (I had triplets) and think "wow, how blessed am I?" A friend once said "you never get over the grief, but you find ways to get THROUGH it"

Caroline - posted on 12/05/2008

Mkenzie,

The pregnancy will be very tough. I lost Amber nearly 4yrs ago to stillbirth at 32wks. I then proceeded to have many problems conceiving (PCOS, endometreosis, fibroids etc). After 8 miscarriages all between 5 and 8 weeks I finally made it. With the help of IVF, lots and lots of Progesterone (up to 16wks gestation) I finally got my beautiful little Montana born at 32 wks gestation. Every day of my pregnancy was a panic attack. Once I started feeling her move I was prodding and poking her every hour just to make sure she was still alive. I was suffering sleep deprivation well before I had a baby to care for. Montana was also my 4th child (not counting the numerous miscarriages), and I was showing very early. I got married at 5wks gestation and the week after my belly popped. The whole pregnancy was problematic, gestational diabetes, pre eclampsia, just to name a couple. At 28wks we were told she was too small and I was put in hospital for 24hr a day monitoring. My obstetrician ( who I could have killed at the time) pushed me past the 32wk barrier, more for my mental issues than anything else. I was petrified that I would loose this baby at the same time that I lost Amber. The next day I went in for my c-section. Even though she was incredibly tiny she was alive and that was all that mattered, anything that got thrown my way from that moment on I could handle, I just couldn't handle having to bury another child. Montana will be 2 next week and is about the size of a good 1yr old (her twin cousins are 1 and they are all the same size). I tell people that I am getting extra baby value for the baby that I never got to bring home. I hope it all goes well and as smoothly as can be expected. By the end of it you should know your way to the doctor and the hospital with your eyes shut. Good Luck

Caroline

Mkenzie - posted on 12/05/2008

Hi Paula, I am currently just past 9 weeks into this pregnancy. My nerves are SHOT! To have one pass away early in the pregnancy, and to have another die after birth... it's like there is no "safety net" until the baby is home. I'm having a sonogram done next Wednesday to find out for sure how far along I am and to see how many are in there. I'm a bit bigger than they think I ought to be at this stage, though it could just be that I'm larger than most women at this stage... and this is #4, after all, and "they" say that you get bigger with each one... though twins do run rampant in my family! We've never skipped a generation, and we've even had a twin have twins before... so we'll see!



I for one, firmly believe that there are no tears in heaven. The book of the Revelation speaks about it, no pain, no tears... New bodies. And the book describes heaven in great detail and I almost can't wait!



I'm grateful for this new life being created within me, and a large part of me is very excited about this baby; but a huge part of me is just an enormous ball of entangled emotions. I'm unsure how to deal with a lot of the emotions I'm feeling.



Girls, just remember, those moments when a very light breeze skims across your face, ever so gently, in the midst of stillness, it isn't merely the wind saying hello; it's your precious angel giving you the sweetest of kisses.

Paula - posted on 12/02/2008

Mkenzie- how far along are you in your pregnancy? how are your nerves during this one?

what you said made me cry as well, you pinned it down well. I think every mom who has lived this or is living this....aches the same way....we are all aching for our children. longing for one more hug, kiss, snuggle and some of you ache to even see your child. some of you have never held you child....how cruel. I ached to hold her and when she was 8 days old I got the chance...they let me even though there were so many tubes and such. I cried so much when I sat in that rocking chair....I held her for a long time...oh how I miss that.

I too wonder what she would have turned out to be....looked like. she was similar to my other chilrdren....the chin and mouth.

I hope my little angel is having fun up there too, is pain free, tube free and is waiting for us...some day I will see her.



if its true what you say there are no tears in heaven then I am set....I suppose with the amount of tears here....they figure there is none left for up there.

Jamie - posted on 12/02/2008

Mkenzie~~ Thank you for that. That was beautiful, and I cried when I read it. Good luck to you.....I'm praying for you! :)

Kim - posted on 12/02/2008

That brought tears to my eyes. You put into words what I have in my heart. Thank you

Mkenzie - posted on 12/02/2008

Paula~ (and the other mommies in this amazing group of women)

To an extent, I've learned to cope and deal with my grief. My only full blooded sibling and his wife have a daughter 6 months older than my first born, Eric. Each time I see my niece (whom lives 5 doors down), it's difficult. I know that she is my brother's daughter, I know that she is my blood, but to have her look identical to myself at that age, and to know that she is only a few months older than my son, is very hard. It hurts. To see pregnant women, whether they are family or friends or strangers, is hard. To see newborns is even harder.

Each time one of my friends or family members gets pregnant, I relive all the heartache all over again. I ache the entire pregnancy and only sigh relief once that baby is brought home... and usually not until I've held the baby myself! And in 8 years since Eric's death, with a family as large as mine is.... it's been VERY tough. I'm blessed to have friends that are just like family to me, most of which I have known for over a decade or longer, and they help me get through the really tough times.

That song by Kenny Chesney, says "I wear the pain like a heavy coat" and I do. Even when I don't want to, it's there. There are times when it hits me harder than expected, or hits unexpectedly, and/or in inopportune moments...

I often find myself wondering what my boys would look like now. Would Eric still have dark brown hair like his daddy? Would his eyes be green like both of his parents'? Would he have a smattering of freckles across his face? Who's nose whould he have? Would Cian be talking up a storm? The wonders of being two... how amazing! He'd be two and half by now... Would my marriage have lasted?

I don't have the answers to my own questions. But I do have one everlasting, unfailing hope and belief, and that is that I know that I will see both of them, as well as those beautiful nieces of mine that have gone to heaven as well, someday. I have a hope and a joy, in picturing my little angels up on those golden streets, wreacing havoc amongst the other angels, pulling on Jesus's robes, begging for His attention. Playing with the pups that are there, climbing trees, playing baseball.... It's a beautiful vision, one that I cherish.

And one of these days, when my work here is done, and it's time to go Home, I can clearly see -and hear- Saint Peter calling to my boys, telling them to wait for me to get inside first, as they rush past Jesus's open arms, running to be the first to wrap thier sweet, little -boy -strong arms around me and welcome me home to heaven. But no tears. None at all, for there are no tears in heaven.

Mel - posted on 12/02/2008

I completely understand the sorrow everyone feels. I had my precious Corina almost 4 years ago and she was stillborn at 40 weeks. I also have a niece that is just a couple months older then Corina and it tears me up inside everytime I see her. I love my niece to pieces but it doesnt make it any easier. I have 2 older children and they are what have kept me going. I have tried to have another baby but I know it wont fill that emptyness I feel inside. There isn't a single day that goes by that my Corina isn't on my mind. I miss her and love her with all my heart and I always will. She will always be a part of our family.

Elaine - posted on 12/02/2008

Yes Paula I agree, I have learnt to live with this pain and the pain has become a huge part of my life, I don't accept the death of my daughter and never will do.

Elaine

Paula - posted on 12/01/2008

learning to live with it and excepting it are two different things....I take it. Cause really I don't see why this had to happen.....

Elaine - posted on 12/01/2008

I lost my Darling first born daughter Dawn on thge 20th December 1987 and still there is not a day goes by that i don't love and miss her more than words can say. She is my first thought each morning and my last thought each night. I have four other fantastic children who i love with all my heart and i also now have three beautiful grandchildren who mean the world to me but Nothing fills that void in my heart that Dawn left. I don't want to sound too dispairing as you do learn to live with this nightmare that life has thrown at us. Even though I only had my little princess for four months i can honestly say they were the best four months of my life. I feel honoured to have been blessed with my beautiful daughter even for sunch a short time. I won't tell you time heals because it doesn't but you will learn to live with this pain and please ladies don't forget your partners, they are hurting too and together you can get through this. Love to you all and your preciuos children xxx

Paula - posted on 12/01/2008

Mkenzie-I don't know if I heard that song but I will look for it.

does the longing for your child ever go away? does the ache when you see other women with babies...??

Mkenzie - posted on 12/01/2008

I lost my first son 8 years ago this December. My third baby, another boy, was stillborn in April 2006. My second baby, a girl, was born 4 1/2 years ago and is my only surviving child. I still have my moments when I can't seem to shake the grief and depression from having lost my sons. My first marriage (that I had those 3 babies with) was not as healthy as it should have been, or could have been. In the simplest of explanations, we grieved differetnly over the loss of our first born, and when #3 died, it was the straw that broke our camel's back, and our marriage ended soon after. I am since remarried and now pregnant with my #4, my husband's first. It is so extremely difficult, daily, to go through this pregnancy. I have so many "what if's" that can't be answered. I think Kenny Chesney's song "Who You'd Be Today" hits the nail on the head for me. The lyrics are so dead on as to how I feel, about each of my sons.... and just as the song says, the only thing that gives me hope, is that I know I will see them again, someday.

Paula - posted on 11/30/2008

I am sad to think...even with time and other children that the void is there...this scares me. for me this is new...and I ache like I have been living in hell. I don't know how this will play itself out in the year to come. how I will ever come to except this.

I want more children...but hearing you both say the void is still there scares me.



I am glad there is this web site....I would be lost without you all.

Caroline - posted on 11/30/2008

It will be 4 years on 21st December since I lost my Amber to stillbirth at 32wks. I am just like you, I dont think a day goes past that I don't cry my eyes out. I have 2 older kids and an older stepdaughter and had my precious Montana nearly 2yrs ago at 32 wks. That was a hell of a pregnancy. I agree with you about nothing filling the void. There's always something missing. My sister-in-law has a little girl that is roughly the age that Amber would be and it still cuts me to the bone seeing her, it's just such a huge reminder of what I should have and I don't have. I love my niece to bits don't get me wrong, but I see her with my kids and that's where Amber should be. I wouldn't swap my kids for anything in the world, but there are times where I would do anything just to see my little Amber again.I still dream of the day I lost her, I still relive the events and days leading up to her passing, it still feels so fresh and so raw to me. I can't even write this without crying! There aren't that many people around me who realise how much it still affects me, I have become a master at hiding my pain. Just know that you aren't alone.

Caroline